Raceday wasn't a good one for Fabio. He texted me that morning, asking me if I wanted to watch the races in his pitbox. I told him I would be somewhere out on track and I was.
In the beginning of the race I was close to the turn with the long lap in it. I wanted to see how it went and it went amazing. Fabio did it good and he lost the places, he only went back from P2 to P5. So not much damage. But after it was worse, his lines were different, he had trouble overtaking. Some overtook him. I could almost see the frustration when he rode the bike in the last few laps.
It wasn't nice to see. It hurt to see him like this and I couldn't do anything.
I texted him that evening when I was on my way to the airport. We talked about the race for a while before I had to turn my phone off. I texted Pecco a quick congratulations when I was back in the Netherlands.
I went straight to the facility instead of going home for the night. I didn't have to be back until Monday, but I didn't want to go home for the night.
I gave them my phone and settled in my room. It's kind of comforting and safe to be back here. No distractions, just working on myself.
I saw a lot of messages on Instagram this weekend. Fan posts about Fabio. Questioning why I wasn't with him in his box, things like that. They are still saying I had a miscarriage. But this time it's not Fabio's anymore. Now they are talking about me cheating on Fabio, getting pregnant and then having a miscarriage. It got in my head and I kept thinking about it on the plane ride. Why do they automatically think bad things?
I talked about this a lot with my therapist. Also talked about the times I saw Fabio. How it went. The dreams I had. Eventually we agreed I didn't need to stay there. But I need to continue the sessions. I was a little scared to go and stay at my own home, alone. Margaux is on vacation, so I'm alone with my thoughts and all the things surrounding me. Like all the social media things. But we agreed I could call the facilities if something was wrong and when she could, she would talk to me or I could talk to another therapist on call.
So it's Wednesday and I'm back home. Just three nights after I got back from Silverstone. But they are right. Silverstone went pretty well. I was a bit overwhelmed at occasions but other than that..
She advised me to also talk to Fabio and Tom. Getting back in contact. I agree, I need to get back in contact, I want to get back in contact.
I decide to call Fabio first. I think it's easier than calling Tom. I have to explain everything that happened to Tom, going all the way back to Assen. And that's a lot. And it's scary. I don't know how he would react. Maybe he wants nothing to do with me anymore, maybe he gets angry with me. I mean, I would feel betrayed if no one told me about all the stuff that has happened.
I find Fabio's contact in my phone and sigh. My thumb hovers over the call button for a few seconds before pressing it. My heart thumping faster, the longer I wait before he answers.
"Yeah?", I hear Fabio pant out eventually.
"Oh um.. hi, it's me", I stutter. It's me? Like he knows who that is. "Um Julie, I mean", this really is going great. I don't really remember being this nervous.
"Hey, Julie", he still pants out.
"Um.. did I call at a bad time?", I ask, wondering what he's doing. He's panting. What if I interrupted him during some activities with a girl? Oh god, I don't want to think about that. My cheeks turn red at the thought.
"No, no. I was running. Why are you calling?", his breathing slowly steadies. My nerves don't. Well atleast he was just running..
"Oh, yeah, well.. I wanted to talk about some things", I tell him, "meet up some time"
"Julie, relax. It's just me.. You want to meet up and talk?", He tries to make sense.
"Yes. If you have time, of course", I add. Maybe he doesn't even have time.
"Yeah, sure. Do you want me to come to you or should I arrange a plane for you to come here?", He asks, rambling a little. I take a deep breathe, before speaking again.
"I thought about meeting in Nice if that would work for you", I slowly say. My heartbeat picking up again.
"Nice?", Fabio asks, shock clear in his voice.
"Yeah.. I need to go back there again. And I would really like to don't do that on my own", I softly reply. My therapist and I have been talking about it. I have to go back there some day. I thought about going there alone, but I don't know what would happen. Maybe I'll freak out as soon as I'm at the airport and maybe I'll be fine altogether.
"If you are sure, I want to be there with you", Fabio says. "When did you want to meet up?". I haven't really thought this far ahead. I thought he would never agree on coming with me.
"I don't know.. soon? I don't know about your schedule and your plans. But I thought soon"
"I can change my plans. Tomorrow? I'll take a plane and be there faster than riding", he suggests, "Do you have plane tickets already?"
"That would work. I will start looking for a plane ticket. I'll tell you when I arrive, okay?", I am excited to see him again and nervous about seeing him again and being in Nice again.
"Why don't you let me worry about plane tickets. That way I can arrange getting there at the same time. I'll get us a rental car. And do you want a hotel room as well? Or do you want to sleep over at Tom's house?", Fabio asks.
"I want a hotel room. You can sleep at Tom's if you want. Are you sure I don't have to arrange it?", it's sweet how he's willing to do all this for me.
"No, no, I'll make it happen. As soon as I'm home, I'll go look for plane tickets", he tells me. I imagine him pulling his hands through his hair, like he always does. It looks so cute. "Go pack and relax. I'll text you once I know more. See you tomorrow okay?", Fabio adds.
"Thank you, see you tomorrow", I tell him softly before ending the call.
I walk towards my bedroom, sitting down on my bed. I suddenly feel anxious about meeting him. And in Nice.. what if it doesn't work out. What if I can't handle it. What if I run into Alex. Maybe it's a bad idea to drag Fabio back into this mess. But I love him...
Eventually I get back up and pack a bag with some clothes. I don't really need much. I can't imagine staying there long. And I don't think Fabio has the time to stay there any longer than two days. I saw he was busy training. I asked him once why he didn't do more muscle endurance in the gym, well I guess he's trying that. I hope it works out for him.
I settle in bed and wait for a message from Fabio, saying what time I have to be at the airport. And which airport.
I'm dozing off every few minutes till Fabio calls. It's only six in the evening, I'm just a little tired.
"Hey", I say, my phone on speaker and my eyes closed.
"Okay, so I haven't booked yet. But I only have a few options. So you can decide and I arrange it right away", Fabio starts talking immediately.
"Okay. Tell me", I sit up a little, opening my eyes.
"Are you laying in bed?", Fabio probably heard the rustling around of my blankets.
"Yeah, was a little tired. So when's the flight?"
"Oh um.. Well there's one in two hours. Then you'll be there around nine thirty. I can be there around nine. Or tomorrow around two and then you'll be there around three thirty and I can be there around five. Or tomorrow night same as tonight", Fabio sums up.
"What do you prefer?", I ask. Knowing him, he already has his favourite picked out.
"Well I thought tonight. I'm free all day tomorrow and I don't want to wait till tomorrow night. But I also don't like it when you arrive around three and my plane lands around five", he rambles a bit.
"Okay, then tonight it is", I agree.
"But if you're too tired...", Fabio starts, but I don't let him finish. "No, no. Tonight is good"
It's quiet for a minute or two before Fabio speaks again.
"Your ticket is in your mail", he tells me, "the hotel only has one room available. Do you mind if I sleep on the couch?", his voice turning a little nervous.
"I don't mind sleeping in the same bed, Fabio", I say softly. Of course it freaks me out, but I won't let him sleep on the couch. We slept in the same bed when we barely even knew each other. "If you are okay with it as well?", I ask when he stays quiet.
"I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable", he tells me. His voice is soft and caring.
"Just book the room, Fabio. It will be okay. I am really glad to be there with you", I tell him, I blush although he can't see me. I can't help but feel nervous, but also excited to see him this soon.
"That's good", I hear Fabio sigh, before continuing "I'll book the room and see you in three hours"
"Merci, Fab", I tell him before the call ends.