"Julie?", I hear the next morning and some knocking on my door. It takes me a while to properly wake up and to remember where I am.
I get up and open the door I locked yesterday. I didn't want anyone to walk in on me sleeping here. I probably look like a mess.
Fabio comes barging in, as soon as I open the door.
"Oh thank God, you are here", he says, wrapping me in a tight hug. I don't hug him, I can't, I feel emotional drained.
Fabio seems to have turned around completely. From telling me to leave, to not letting me go.
When he let's me go, I turn and sit at my desk, turning the computer on.
"I have to work", I tell him quietly.
"Did you sleep here?", He asks, not moving from his spot. I simply nod at his question.
"I'll be back in the motorhome tonight. If you want me to. Otherwise I'll just pick up my stuff".
"I thought you were with Pecco? I called him in the middle of the night when you didn't come back. We have been trying to call you all night, searching everywhere. Why didn't you come back?"
Is he really this stupid?
"You told me to leave. So I went. And no, I wasn't at Pecco's. Why would I be? Because I do everything you tell me to do? You know you can only push me away so many times, before I'll leave and don't come back", my voice is hard, but I'm trying really hard not to cry right now.
"I really need to work now"
"You are off today. You told me yourself", Fabio calls me out.
"Yeah. And I decided I am working now. I have enough to do", I try to convince him.
"You don't even get paid to work today. You barely get enough money to cover your flights. So why would you do extra work for free..", Fabio says and it's true. I really need to talk to Dr Zasa about it.
"Well.. if I'm not allowed to be in the motorhome and not allowed to be here. I'll just go pack my things and take a flight home", I sigh. Why is he making this so damn hard..
"You can't afford a last minute flight home"
"Fabio.. please, give me some peace. You don't even apologise for your behaviour last night. And you probably don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe you're right and I'm just overreacting. Probably. But please just leave me alone, right now", I say, my voice soft.
It's quiet for a few seconds, we both don't say a word and I don't turn around to look at him.
"But shouldn't we atleast talk then?", Fabio sounds a little unsure.
"Just give me a few hours and I'll be at the motorhome", I tell him eventually turning around. He looks confused, he studies my face for a few moments before nodding and walking out.
I take a few deep breathes before turning my phone back on. There are a lot of missed calls and a few text messages. Just when I want to read them, there's a knock on my door. Pecco opens the door and steps in.
"Hey! I'm sorry for last night. I heard Fabio made you search for me", I feel guilty for dragging him into our mess again.
"It's okay. Fabio just texted me that you were here. What happened?", Pecco takes a seat on the treatment table, looking a little worried.
"Well, I don't really know", I sigh.
"Just tell me. You need to get it off your chest anyway", he tells me. Well he is right. I need to sort things before I go back to the motorhome to talk to Fabio.
"Okay, well. Fabio wasn't in the best mood yesterday. He was down and saying things like how he's letting me down and how he's a loser. And then he told me that I should go and celebrate with you. I told him, I wanted to stay and that you are a very good friend, but he's my boyfriend. But he told me to just go. So eventually I went", I sum up what happened.
"So he wants you to go, you go, you are upset, he is worried because you don't come back and now you're fighting?", Pecco summarises.
I nod, "pretty much"
"Well, honestly, I get him. I get how he's feeling like he's disappointing you and that he was down. I've said the same thing to Domizia a few times this year. But you both are a little stubborn. And he can't push you away. He needs you more than anyone else", Pecco says. And it makes sense. Of course I understand it's harder than anyone can imagine.
"Maybe you two should talk about these situations. I mean we are in a championship battle and we both are gonna make mistakes and feel disappointed a few times the rest of the season", Pecco tries to advise.
"Talk about it how?"
"Well for example, when this happens to me, Dom knows I need some time. I need to process what happened and what I did wrong. So she leaves me alone until after interviews. And I know I can't take it out on her or push her away when interviews are over. She probably went through hell while watching, so I don't need to make it worse", Pecco explains and it really helps. Maybe we can work something out like that as well. I hope so.
"Thank you", I hug him, "and congrats on the race, you did amazing"
Pecco just smiles and nods before walking out again.
Well maybe that's the right way, making a few agreements together. But at the same time, we should be able to feel what the other person needs. That's also love right? I don't know what the best way is, but I know we can't continue like this when the race doesn't go as planned. If we do, I'm starting all over with my insecurities. Fabio is really my weak spot. And that's a good thing, because that means I really love him, but it makes everything harder. I can't take it, when he pushes me away.
Well first things first, I need to talk to Dr Zasa about money.
"Julie, what can I do for you?", Michele Zasa asks as soon as I step into his office.
"Hi, Dr Zasa. Ehm.. Well I actually wanted to talk to you about something", I linger at the door. I feel extremely nervous to actually ask for more money.
"Go sit down", he gestures to one of the chairs and I sit on the edge of it.
"I um.. I wanted to talk about my salary and my travel expenses", I look down at my feet.
"Well now that you mention it, I haven't signed any of your flight or hotel expenses. Does Yamaha cover those because of Fabio?", He asks a little confused.
"No, I've been paying for them. But money is getting tight and I don't think I will be able to afford any overseas flights", I tell him, blushing. I feel stupid to tell him I'm getting tight on money.
"You don't have to pay for them. That's on us. So I want to know about every single flight and hotel reservation you made since you started working for us. I'll make sure we cover them", he immediately tells me. "And about your salary, I know the wait for your bonus is long. But there are some problems with the teams, regarding the time you spend at each team. But I think they will work it out in the next weekend and then I'll make sure you get your bonus for the raceweekends you worked with them. And after you get the bonus after every weekend"
That sounds much better. And I'm glad I didn't have to ask, but he told me himself.
"Okay, thank you! Do you know how much that bonus is per raceweekend?"
"It's about 5 to 10.000 euros. It depends how much time it costs. But I make sure to get as much as possible. And I know it's a lot more than your regular salary, but you deserve it for all your hard work", he tells me.
5 to 10k per raceweekend? That's so much. That's something I can be independent with. Thank God.
"That's a lot more than I expected. Thank you", I grin before walking out again.
"Oh, Julie wait. Can you do me one favour though?", Dr Zasa asks me and I can't say no after this. I turn back around and nod slowly.
"We have been invited to the Monza F1 weekend by the medical team there. And I can't go, would you? It's this weekend. And they are paying a hotel room from Wednesday till Sunday. They are going to show you around in the medical area, you can discuss how they handle certain things and are a guest at redbull and ferrari", he rambles on. He sounds super excited. I know F1 is like the big brother of MotoGP, so I get that this is an amazing opportunity.
"You can of course take Fabio with you. Will you think about it?"
"I'll let you know", I smile before stepping out. I don't really watch F1 or care about it much. Fabio watches most of it. And he knows quite a lot of those drivers. I mean he goes surfing with Louis Hamilton or Pierre Gasly. And he is great friends with Daniel Ricciardo and Charles Leclerc. So I know those names, but can't say I know much about those races or their championship standings.
Maybe, if Fabio and I work things out, he wants to join me. I don't really see myself walking around there alone to be honest.
I reluctantly make my way over to Fabio's motorhome. I wanted to take some more time, but I really need a shower and fresh clothes. And I would love a few hours of peaceful sleep. But yeah, that's probably not gonna happen.
"Hey", I hear as soon as I open the door and walk inside. Fabio is laying flat out on the couch.
"Hi", I say a little surprised. I somehow thought, Fabio wouldn't be home.
"I um.. I should apologise. I didn't want to push you away, but I did and that was wrong", Fabio starts, sitting up straight.
I sit down next to him on the couch. I nod slowly, I'm grateful for his apology.
"Why did you?", I ask. I want to know what happened.
"I just wanted you to have a good time and celebrate with Pecco", he shrugs.
"Isn't it more than that?"
Fabio shrugs again, "I don't want to disappoint you. Plus I had a few moments I almost crashed and I don't want to stress you out"
"I'm stressed out when you are in the front too.. since we are more than just friends, every race freaks me out. But that won't change. I think that's pretty normal. So you can't hold back because of that. And certainly not push me away", I tell him.
Fabio starts chuckling, before speaking again. "Why are we always in this kind of situation?"
"Because we both don't really know how to do this?", it's my time to shrug now, "it's my first time in a relationship with a guy with a job that's so stressful and dangerous. And you're first relationship. You didn't have to worry about how someone else feels"
Fabio hums in response.
"We'll figure it out", I say, laying my head in his shoulder.
We sit like this for a while, my head on his shoulder, his head on top of mine.
"Julie?", Fabio voice is soft when he speaks up.
"Yeah?"
"I really am sorry, you know", his voice breaks and I think he's crying.
"I know. It's okay, really. Why are you always so hard on yourself?"
"Because I don't want to disappoint", Fabio shifts and lays his head on the back of the couch, looking up. I turn so my body is facing his. "My family, my friends, my fans they're all counting on me. So I don't want to disappoint them. My family and my friends have put up with so much for me, I need to make them proud"
"They are proud. Very proud", I am sure they are. All of Fabio's friends and family are extremely proud of what he's achieving.
Fabio just shrugs.
"Hey.. I have another question", I say, changing the subject. "Do you maybe want to go to Monza this weekend?"
I hope he wants to join me. I'm curious about their medical centre and I'm curious about the F1 weekend in general.
"Why?", Fabio looks at me confused. "We are going to spend the week together right? Or did you change your mind?"
"No, no, I haven't. But Dr Zasa just asking me today, if I wanted to go on behave of the clinica mobile. It's a tour of the medical centre and passes to redbull and ferrari", I explain.
"Yeah, okay. I haven't been inside the ferrari box before. And haven't seen Charles in a while"
"I'll arrange things", I smile.
The rest of the day, we spend together. We even run a few laps around the track together. Fabio slowly relaxes and gets back to his goofy self.
It makes me so happy to see him smile.