"I am afraid you will be infertile soon, Julie"
"What do you mean infertile soon? It's infertile or not right?", I ask the doctor confused.
"Well.. because of the treatment and the hormones you will be going in an early stage of menopause. When you are in menopause, you won't be able to get pregnant", she tries to explain. But I don't really understand. It feels like my brain won't understand.
"So I won't get kids? Like ever?", I ask unsure. I always thought I didn't want kids. But with Fabio I changed my mind. I would love to have a little version of him running around some day.
"We can give you extra hormones and freeze some eggs. So you can have a try when you're ready. It's not a hundred percent certainty you'll have kids, but I think it's your best try", the woman is so patient in explaining everything.
"How will that work?", I ask, still a little confused.
"You get injections and inject them yourself for a month. Then we'll try to take some eggs and freeze them here"
"A month? And when do I need to start?"
"As soon as possible. We don't know when you will go in menopause. Maybe soon, maybe it will take a year. But we think it will happen soon, seeing the symptoms you had", she grimaces at me, "I know this is a lot. And maybe you need to talk about it with someone. But I think if you want a change of being a mother, you should do it"
I don't even know what Fabio would think about all of this. It's Tuesday now and I need to fly out tomorrow. So I won't see him till tomorrow night.
"Can I travel while doing this?", I ask, knowing I have some long flight ahead of me.
She nods, "you need a medical statement but that's it"
"Okay, then I'll need four of those and I'm traveling tomorrow", I say, my voice determined.
"You don't want to discuss this first?", she asks a little surprised. "You need someone when you feel like it will be too much"
"Well, I see my boyfriend tomorrow in Spain. And after Spain we travel to Japan and then we travel to Thailand. And when I'm back it's four weeks from now. So I don't really have a choice and moment to discuss", I tell her with a small smile.
"You travel that much for your work?"
I nod. "So yeah. Let's do this"
And she makes everything ready. All the papers, the injections and some information on how to inject yourself and any side effects.
I need an extra bag for all those injections.. they are definitely going to ask questions at the airports.
I hope Fabio will support this. But somehow I'm having doubts. Maybe he doesn't really want kids this way. I mean we are not gonna have kids the normal way. If he wants kids with me all together, that is.
I'm nervous on my way to Aragon the next day. And everything that could go wrong, went wrong. First they are really giving me a hard time with that extra bag. They don't just believe my story, but eventually let me go. Then the plane was delayed and then in Spain the whole thing starts over. They don't allow me to leave at first because of all those injections. So I make it to Aragon just before it gets dark.
I'm dead tired when I step inside the motorhome, which is dark and empty. They are away.. I don't know if I am relieved or disappointed. Relieved that I don't have to tell them about all of this. Disappointed that Fabio isn't here to hug or kiss me.
I put four of those injections in the refrigerator and go for a hot shower.
"What are these? And why are they in the fridge?", I hear Tom's voice when I get out of the bathroom.
"I dunno. Never seen those before. Just throw them away", Fabio answers.
"Please don't throw them out", I speak up. Well speak up.. my voice is pretty soft.
"Ma Chérie", Fabio walks to me hugging me, "are they yours?", he looks a like confused.
I nod, not saying a word. I don't think this is something I want to discuss in front of Tom. Maybe we should talk about it in private first.
"What are they?", he asks, taking one from Tom, looking at it closely.
"Maybe we can talk about it later?", I ask, my eyes pleading. I hope he will drop it for now. I take all for of the injections back from them, putting them back in the fridge.
"How was the travel?", I ask both of them, like nothing's going on. When I sit on the couch, Fabio is almost immediately next to me.
"It was fine. I haven't told you but I gave Borja, Espe and Xavi paddock passes. They are here on Saturday and Sunday", he tells me smiling. It seems like he's fine with dropping the subject and I'm glad.
We talk for a while and even Tom and I share a laugh or two before we head to bed.
I take one of the injections with me and as soon as our door is closed, Fabio's on my case.
"Are you gonna tell me what that is now? Or do I need to Google it?", he asks, his voice soft but he's making it clear he doesn't like this one bit.
"Yes. I just didn't want to talk about it with Tom there. I think we should talk about it first, that's all", I say sitting down on the edge of the bed. Fabio stands close to the door and it makes me more nervous.
"Can you maybe sit down?"
Fabio looks at me for a moment, before nodding and sitting next to me.
"These", I start, holding up the injection, "are hormone shots. I got them yesterday from my doctor", I tell him. "Because of the heavy bleeding, they did an examination and think I will be in early menopause soon"
"Okay. And what does that mean?" Fabio looks confused, he takes the shot from me and keeps rotating it in his hands.
"It means, if I'm in menopause, I won't be able to get pregnant. So the doctor advised me to freeze some eggs", I tell him. I don't really feel anything when I tell him this. No emotions, nothing.
"Wait so you can't get pregnant?", Fabio looks shocked.
I shake my head. "I should've talked to you first. But she told me to start as soon as possible. And otherwise I needed to wait till after Thailand. Now I will be finished after Thailand"
"I'm so sorry, Julie. You must be devastated", Fabio says, he pulls a hand through his hair, looking at the wall opposite.
I can't help but shrug. I don't really feel devastated.
"I um.. I get it if you don't want to deal with this. I can't give you kids. Atleast not the normal way", I tell him.
"I need some time to process this.. think about it", he says. "Let's talk about it later, okay?"
I nod my head, agreeing. It's not really the answer I hoped for. I hoped he would say he loves me and this doesn't change that. But I get it, of course. It's a big deal and we're still young and our relationship is not that long yet. So we can stop now and he can find another girl. One who can give him kids in the future.
So yeah, I get that he needs time. I'll wait. There's not much else I can do.
"I'll do this in the bathroom. I'll be right back", I take it back from him and walk out of the door. The fact that he has to think about this hurts me much more, than the fact that I won't be able to have kids the normal way. A tear slips down and I blink the others away quickly. I don't want to cry now. I don't need pity from Fabio. He needs to make his choice without being influenced.
The shot hurts a bit, but it's only for a month. I'll get used to it.
Fabio's already in bed and the lights are off when I get back in. I carefully slip in next to him, trying not to disturb him and that's how I fall asleep.
Thursday and Friday are pretty busy days. Well Fabio's busy. I just have a few meetings, but we don't see each other much. We don't talk about it and maybe that's for the best for now. We atleast had some time in the evening and went to bed together.
Aside from the shots and the nagging feeling in my gut, everything is normal. We kiss, we cuddle, we have fun when we are together.
Qualifying day is a busy day for everyone. Especially for Fabio, since he invited friends. He wants to spend time with them, but also needs to focus as much as possible.
In the end it's me who's spending time with them. I take them around the track watching FP4 and qualifying. They are very enthusiast about watching it and that seems nice. I still try to do my job and watch all six of the riders, writing things down and sometimes filming bits.
After Fabio's media duties, he spends time with them and Tom in the hospitality, while I do a few meetings.
My last meeting is with Pecco, but it's more like a drink in the hospitality. He is frustrated and needs to let it out.
"I just don't get it", he mutters. "Don't they believe in me?"
"Of course they believe in you. But it's also a media thing now. I mean MotoGP itself is speculating on social media about it a lot", I tell him. I take a sip of the wine I have in front of me. It's actually non alcoholic, because of the hormone shots, but it tastes delicious.
"Yeah but, I don't want team orders", he says a bit too loud.
"Don't you think Aprilla or Yamaha has team orders? If course they have. But at Yamaha the rest is just not good enough. And at Aprilla's they certainly have. If they ride one and two, Aleix will win. It's the only thing a team can do", I try to calm him down.
"But I don't want to beat Jack or Enea or whoever like that. I want to beat them because I was better", he sighs.
"Yeah. But if it was Jack, you would be careful around him and try to help him. He does the same. And I don't think Enea would go easy on you. He wants to show everyone he's better", I say, chuckling slightly. I don't really know what I should think about the Italian. But one thing I know for sure, he wants to be the leading rider in ducati next year. He doesn't want to be second next to Pecco.
"Yeah, maybe you're right", he chuckles. "How're you doing? What's with the non alcoholic wine?"
"I'm okay! I'm having hormone shots so I can't drink alcohol right now", I tell him. My belly is getting tender and has purple spots from the shots already. And I just did a few.
"Hormone shots?", his eyebrows knit together in confusion.
"Yeah. They think I won't be able to have kids the normal way. So I am freezing some eggs", I explain with a little smile.
"Oh cazzo. That must be heartbreaking to hear", Pecco says, putting a hand on my shoulder.
I shrug, "I don't know.. I didn't really feel anything. But then again, I always thought I didn't want kids. That just changed recently. So maybe that's why I'm not freaking out"
"What about your family? Fabio? Tom? How did they react?", he asks.
"Tom only knows I have shots for something. They need to be in de fridge for some time. Other than that he doesn't know. Fabio does, but needs to think about it. And I haven't really seen my family recently. Not after Assen. So they don't know", I conclude. Tom didn't ask me the last few days. Maybe Fabio told him or he just doesn't really care.
Pecco lays a hand on my shoulder and slowly rubs the back of it.
"You need a support system in this", he starts, "injecting yourself with hormones for weeks isn't easy. It must hurt and must do something with your mood and physics"
I nod, agreeing with him. But not knowing how to get that support system..