Julie's POV
The airport isn't crowded on a Monday morning and I'm glad. I have been here since the early morning. I did the early check in and sat at the gate alone for the majority of the time. I've had a long conversation with my therapist on the phone. She really keeps me grounded and makes me a little more at ease. I'm really lucky, she has so much time for me.
After that phone call I called my mom. I really needed to tell her about the whole menopause thing. She cried pretty long and ended the call to talk to my dad.
Just when it's fifteen minutes till boarding my mom calls me again. In the distance I can see Fabio, Tom and Maider walking towards the gate, when I answer the phone.
"Hey mom, do you mind if we speak Dutch?", I ask immediately. If I have the phone call in Dutch, Fabio or Tom can't listen in.
"No, no. Of course not", she says, immediately switching. (A/N just imagine they speak Dutch instead of English)
"Thanks. What did dad say?", I ask softly. My dad's opinion matters to me, but I think I know what's it about.
"You know he's overprotective. He wants you home. But this is your decision", she tells me, "how's Fabio?"
"Well I think you've seen the crash?", I hear her humming before continuing. "It was scary. But as far as I know he's fine"
"As far as you know?", she asks.
"He's shutting me out. So I gave him space. I don't know in what mood he's in now", I look up, to see Fabio staring at me. I give him a small smile.
"Why?"
"Well I don't really know. My therapist thinks it's because he wants to protect me. But that's not really working like this", I pull a hand through my messy hair. I'm in the same clothes as yesterday and I feel awful. I sat on that hill till early this morning. Just sitting, staring. Then I silently got back in the motorhome to get my things and left again. So yeah, not really time to change.
"You know, mom.. sometimes I think I'm crazy", I look down again. Not wanting to meet Fabio's eyes.
"What do you mean sweetie?"
"Well, how could I think this would work? He lives in another country, I can't just go home at night. And his whole life is based on training. How can I compete with that?", I feel tears well up, but I blink them away. I can't cry right now.
"You know your dad isn't a big fan of this relationship, but you love Fabio and even he noticed. So of course it will work out. It's just not easy now, because of the stress. But you both have your love for each other. So it will all be okay"
Boarding has started and I can see Fabio looking at me, unsure of what to do. I sign for him to go and I'll be there in a second.
I hope, this way, I don't have to sit next to him now. I don't want to have to talk. I just want to sleep and relax.
When most of the people stood and got in line I stand as well.
"Thank you mom. I've got to go though. Maybe you'd want to come to the Valencia race with dad? I'd love to show you around and officially introduce you to Fabio", I tell her softly.
"I'll talk to dad. But I think he will be thrilled. Have a safe flight, honey"
"Love you, bye"
The boarding goes smoothly and I'm in the plane in no time. I see Fabio and Tom sitting next to each other in the back. A seat in front of them is still empty, so I take that one.
The seats are huge, they can go almost flat out.
"Juul, you wanna sit here?", Tom asks, when I move in front of them. Fabio just looks at me, his expression is unreadable and I don't know what he's thinking.
"No.. I'm fine here. Need to catch up on some sleep anyway", I smile at him before sitting down. I take my earphones and plug them in, ready for some alone time..
But we aren't even in the air when someone takes one of my earphones out of my ear.
"You okay, Mon Chérie? You wanna sit with me?", Fabio asks from behind me.
"I'm okay here. I need to catch up on some sleep anyway", I say turning my head to look at him. He's suddenly very close and our noses almost touch, my breath hitches.
"Where were you last night?", he asks, concern on his face. I just shrug and look down. I'm not gonna tell him I was outside on a hill somewhere alone, all night.
The flight attendant starts speaking and asks us all to get seated and put on our seat belt. So Fabio can't ask or say anything else for now.
"Julie, wake up. Ma Chérie..", I hear a voice. I open my eyes and I see we're up in the air already.
Fabio is kneeling next to my chair. "You were tossing and turning and shaking.. come..", he tells me. He opens my seat belt and takes my hand. He sits down in his own seat, pulling me with him. I'm half on his lap and half next to him.
"I don't want to hurt you, Fabio", I tell him softly.
"I can handle it", he puts his seat so the way back so we're laying in it and I must say it's quite comfortable. "I'm sorry I was so rude yesterday", he speaks softly, almost whispers.
I don't answer, I don't know what to say. I would say it's fine, but it's not. Not really. But at the same time, I understand.
"You don't have to answer, I know I'm in no position to ask, but where were you last night?", Fabio speaks again.
"I just came in very late and left very early. I didn't want to bother you", I shrug. It's not true, but yeah..
"Were you with someone else?", he asks. His voice sounds nervous, but I don't look up from my position on his shoulder.
"Fabio..", I sigh, "I don't think you have the right to ask me that after you told me to leave. And it hurts that you think I would just go to someone else immediately", I tell him.
"I know, I'm sorr-"
"Yes, I know", I interrupt him. "But to answer your question, no I wasn't with someone. I was somewhere outside, just sitting and thinking, the whole night. I only came in at 5 to get my things and spend the rest of my time at the airport. I'm only on this flight, because I can't afford another", I tell him everything. "So can I go back to my seat to sleep?"
"I'm sorry, that's awful. I didn't want to put you through any of that..", his voice is strained.
"Yes, I know. You wanted to protect me. But you did a shitty job. And maybe the thing that hurts the most, is the fact that Matteo checked you out. I always have to help you, even in Silverstone where I really had a hard time doing so. But according to you I was the only one who could. And now I wasn't good enough for you. Please just ask Matteo next time and leave me out of it", I almost whisper. I feel tears well up in the corner of my eyes and I get out of the seat, going towards the toilet.
I'm in there for God knows how long. Silently letting the tears run down. The girl I see in the mirror, isn't the girl I want to be. She is sad, small and self conscious. I want to be the happy, confident and carefree Julie. A few times this year I was like her. But it was mostly just a few days, before something happened. And maybe I never will be her again.
I dry my eyes and get back out. Only to see Fabio waiting. I just look down and want to walk towards my seat, but only to be stopped by a hand on my arm.
"Julie..", Fabio doesn't finish his sentence.
"You are sorry and you love me?", I finish for him. And he nods.
"I love you too. And I will forget about this and it will be like it never happened. So don't worry, just give me a few hours", I say. I know I can't fight this, it will always go like this.
I walk to my own seat and put my earphones back in, before putting on some sunglasses and trying to relax enough to fall asleep.
I have terrible nightmares during the whole flight, but I atleast managed to sleep a few minutes in between.
We land in Tokyo and all go in a bus to go to the right hotel. Luckily it's only a few minutes, before we all can get out again. In the lobby, everyone is busy checking in and exchanging room numbers. I just wait at the back till everyone is done, so I can get my own room.
It's very luxurious in here and I really hope they have a small room, even a closet is enough for me.
When most of the people are going to their rooms, I want to walk up to the desk. But Fabio walks to me, he gives me a key.
"Top floor, the penthouse. It has a few bedrooms, you'll have your own", he says, before walking towards the elevator. I follow quietly with my suitcase and bags in my hands. Fabio doesn't have anything with him, they probably send it up for him. Tom is nowhere in sight.
"Tom's already there. He checked if we all have our own room", Fabio answers my unasked question. I nod, to let him know I heard him.
The penthouse is huge. It's like a small house. It has four bedrooms and two bathrooms. I don't know if I am glad to have my own room or not. I know I need space and I know I've made that clear to Fabio. But at the same time I want him to fight for us, I hoped he would want me close.
I've never felt so tired before. We spend 13 hours on a plane and it's 7 hours forwards here, so it's early in the morning. They say you should immediately go on in the ritm of the day, but all I want to do is sleep.
Fabio and Tom settle on the couch, while I slip out and take a seat on the balcony. I have another new journal and start to write about the last few days.
My alarm goes off and I realise I should take my shot. I get back inside and take a few from the bag in the kitchen table to put them in the fridge. They told me to put them in the fridge to make it easier to take. Less painful. The one I take isn't cold and it really hurts.
I wince and attract the attention of Fabio, although I don't notice.