Fabio's POV
Our days in Tokyo are rough. Julie and I don't talk much. I try to give her as much space as possible, but I can tell that she's struggling a lot. She isn't sleeping well, bags getting bigger under her eyes and I can see those injections hurt her.
We are flying to the circuit today and normally Julie stays with me in the motorhome. The motorhome doesn't go to races out of Europe, so I'm staying in one of the units there. But I don't really know what she wants. I contacted one of the hotels closeby and they have a room. They hold it for me just in case.
"Julie?", I ask opening her door slightly. "Can I come in?"
"Yeah. Do I need to change your bandages?", she asks, getting up from the bed.
Julie cleans my wounds and bandages every morning. I'm really grateful she wants to help me.
"No.. that's fine. I um.. I wanted to ask where you wanted to sleep this weekend?", my voice doesn't hide my nervousness.
"Oh. Um.. I'll manage"
"Do you want me to book you a hotel room or do you want to stay in my unit?", I ask more specific.
"Well, I don't think you really want me to stay with you, so I'll figure something out. Don't worry", she says, she crouches down to get something from her bag and I can see pain on her face. Must be those injections.
"Julie", I sigh deeply, before opening my arms. "Come here, please", I almost beg. My voice cracks and a single tear slips out. She stands, looking a bit surprised, before launching herself in my arms. I hold her as tight as possible and she starts sobbing uncontrollably. A few additional tears leave my eyes, it hurts me to see her this broken and helpless.
We stand like this for a long time, till Julie finally calms down. The tears don't stop, but they are just silently rolling down now. Atleast she stopped sobbing.
I guide her towards the bed and lay down with her on my chest. It hurts, but I can deal with this physical pain. The emotional pain Julie is feeling now is ten times as bad.
Eventually Julie falls in a deep sleep. I keep her in my arms for the time she's asleep. For the first time in a few days she looks relaxed. I'm glad she feels save enough to sleep here, in my arms. I really messed up, I need to let her in. Not only when things go good, but also when things go bad.
After a few hours, Julie stirs awake.
"Hey, slept OK?", I whisper when her eyes adjust to her surroundings.
She nods, "yeah, sorry. This must hurt", she tells me, she tries to turn away from me, but I don't let her. Not yet.
"It doesn't, really", I smile down at her, "Can I please say some things before you get up?", I ask a little nervous. My heart starts beating faster and I feel on edge. I really hope she will listen.
She nods, laying her head in my shoulder again.
"I shouldn't have pushed you away. It was wrong and I really regret it", I start. I hear a sharp intake of breath, but she doesn't say a thing. "I know why I did that, and it's no excuse but I atleast want you to know why. You know I met your father and he wasn't happy and I got it. And when I fell in Aragon and injured myself, all I could think about were his words"
I take a deep breath before continuing, "he told me you don't need the extra stress and worry you get from the possibility of injuries and crashes. And I wanted to protect you. I know I did the opposite and make you worry more and I'm really sorry for that"
"You know I told you, I'll worry every race. It's pretty normal. You are my boyfriend and this is pretty dangerous. So yeah", she tells me. And I know we had the same kind of conversation in Misano.
"Yes, I know and I'm really sorry. I won't shut you out or push you away again. And when I do, just... hit me", I had to think of something.. but it works, it earns me a beautiful giggle.
"I'll remember this", she tells me and I can hear her smiling.
"We um.. we need to talk about something else as well, right?", I hesitate a moment. The whole pregnancy, egg thing. I don't really know what to call it. I thought about it a lot and it really hurts me to see her hurting.
"I um.. I thought about what you told me in Aragon and the injections you are taking. And I actually really wanted to know how you feel about it. Maybe that's a stupid question", I tell her. My grip around her tightens. I think this is a hard topic.
"It um it's not a stupid question. I really don't know how I feel about it actually", she starts, opening up. "I didn't really see myself getting kids before I was with you. Now I do. But I can't say I'm devastated that I can't have them", she tells me.
"But you aren't doing those injections for me, are you?", I dare to ask. I don't want her suffering for me.
She shrugs and that hurts, "but-", I start. Julie's hand on my chest stops me.
"I'm doing this for us. If we decide we want to try, I want to be able to have our kids, our dna combined. Not your dna with a strangers or adopt, atleast not as only option. I want to be able to try that. And I know that is hard work and not like it normally goes. But I want that option. That's why I'm doing this. Although it hurts like hell. And those hormones give me mood swings", she giggles a little at her last statement.
"You know I want kids, we talked about it. But I don't care how. If I need to fill up a cup I will. If we decide to adopt, I would be happy with that. Just know I don't want you to suffer", I tell her my true feelings.
I'm really glad we talk about this and I think Julie is too.
I turn on my side to look at her, "Can I please kiss you now?", I whisper, my forehead touching hers. She answers by putting her lips on mine. A feeling I missed the last few days.
The Japanese fans are crazy. We've had media day, Friday and Saturday already, but it is insane. They have cutouts of our heads and a lot of signs. The track conditions are tricky and I want to give it my all, but with the injuries, I can't really risk it. And it makes me a little scared, not scared for me but scared I will put Julie, my family and friends through some tough times.
Friday I was quite happy, being 3rd with the slight rain. Saturday it was pouring and we only had one FP before qualifying and suddenly I was 10th. Qualifying we atleast made up one place and we have Pecco behind us, which is a good thing. But definitely not where I wanted it to be.
Julie is a bit better, luckily. She's staying with me in my unit. Which contains of a small bathroom, bed, couch and TV. Tom has his own and there's another one available just in case.
She's sleeping better than in Tokyo, but the dark circles are still visible. The injections are really hurting her, but we got our little routine. Where I inject them, while she lays down and relaxes as much a possible. After, I kiss her belly as softly as I can. I can't say I like doing it, it's scary to put a needle in her, but if this is what she needs, I do it with love.
And in return, she helps me with my burns. Cleaning them every day.
"Ma Chérie", I wake her softly. She went to lay down after the Moto3 race and fell asleep. I watched the Moto2 in my unit with Tom this time, to be close.
"Oh.. Hey", she yawns and blinks to adjust to the lighting.
"I'm about to go out there. You don't have to get up, I just wanted to let you know", I tell her, sitting down next to her. I'm already in my leathers, but they hang around my hips.
Julie sits up a little, kissing my shoulder, while her hand strokes up and down my chest and abdomen.
"I'll change and be in the garage in a minute", she tells me, kissing my shoulder again.
"Good luck, have fun", she looks up in my eyes, "and be safe.. ik hou van jou", her eyes water a little. She started to say this before every session this weekend. And using her Dutch words. I know she's scared after Aragon and I understand, so I use the words I told her this whole weekend. "Je t'aime, Mon Amour. See you after", I kiss her hard on her lips, before walking out of the small room.
Tom helps me with my leathers before we walk out, to the garage.
"I'll keep an eye on her, don't worry", he says, before we walk inside. I really hope she will be okay during the race..
The race was horrible and I didn't enjoy it for a second. I normally have no problem focusing and being concentrated. But when I got stuck on the same spot, my thoughts were elsewhere. I couldn't overtake, I wasn't fast. It was bad. And in those moments I thought about how I'm letting my team down, how I'm letting Tom down and my family. How I hope Julie can handle this race. My thoughts are even on the not being able to have kids thing.
I'm shaken out of my thoughts in the last lap when Pecco crashes a few centimetres behind me. And the race is done after a few last corners.
The only good thing it that I manage to get some points and Pecco doesn't. But that's all. I want a shower and cuddle in bed.
Back in the box they clap, but I don't feel like I deserve it. Tom takes my helmet and gloves and I take my earpieces out.
"Julie went to the clinica mobile. They wanted her to do the check up on Pecco", Tom tells me when I look around the box. I nod, Maider walks over to us and pats my shoulder.
"Shower or interviews?", she asks, looking on her phone.
"Interviews. Let's get them over with", I grimace. I know what they're going to ask, it will be about my lack of overtaking and poor position and about Pecco's crash. So yeah, I can't say I'm overly thrilled.
The three of us walk over to the media pen and it's interview after interview. It's all the same questions. The only difference are the languages.
After about half an hour I'm finally done and exhausted.
Back in the unit, I'm alone. Tom left with my leather suit and went to Math after. Julie isn't here yet. I didn't see Pecco at the interviews so she must still be busy treating him.
After a quick shower I get comfortable in the bed, falling asleep almost immediately.
"I'm proud of you", I hear, but I don't know if it's a dream or reality. "I love you", I hear and feel something on my chest. After that I fall back in the same deep, comfortable sleep.