Warning: sexual content
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Australia is beautiful. The circuit is great and the atmosphere is good. It's nice to stay in the hotel, away from the paddock. It's a little less stressful.
Fabio and I didn't specifically talk about my fear of him shutting me out. He hasn't done that so far, so I'm trying to take it day by day.
It's raceday and I have nothing else to do than watch the races. I had breakfast with Domizia and Martha, which was really nice. I haven't really talked to Dom, or Dudi, like Pecco calls her, without Pecco there. But she is a total sweetheart. Really caring and loving. Martha is the same, but for some reason I feel more of a connection with Domizia.
She told me about her day to day life, her work and her family. I was worried it would be awkward, I mean Fabio and Pecco are fighting for the championship after all. But it definitely wasn't. In the end, we exchanged our phone numbers before each going their separate way.
I watch most of the Moto3 race at the pitwall and I like it. You can see everything on the screens and they pass you every lap. So it's not just the screens. Fabio and Tom are here and they walk in and out the pitbox. They join for a few laps and going back in. It's on and off.
During the race there's a moment where Tom and I talk. We talk about the whole past few months. It's a good talk and the race is a good distraction in between. This way we don't have to look at each other while speaking and it makes it a bit more casually.
Eventually we decide to continue how we've been interacting the last few weeks. Getting closer, but not best friends or sibling close. Not yet, maybe someday. So yeah, we're good again and that's a nice feeling.
We watch the Moto2 race inside the pitbox. Ayumi and Riccardo join and it's fun.
Fabio's very touchy and I let him. He's acting differently, I try to make him comfortable as much as possible. Maybe he's nervous or unsure about his race, I don't know.
Halfway through the Moto2 race, Fabio pulls me outside the pitbox. I'm surprised and a little confused, but let him take me towards his unit.
"Fabio? What's..", I want to ask as soon as we're inside, but I don't get the chance.
He pushes his lips roughly on mine. I moan at the sudden contact.
His hands pull at the zipper of my dress and it's off in seconds, leaving me in only panties.
Fabio makes an approving sound before picking me up and laying me on the couch. He's rough, pushing my panties to the side and shoving his pants down just enough to free his member and entering me.
I've never seen this side of him. There's not one loving touch, it's all hard and rough. I can't even really comprehend what's happening before he finishes with a loud groan.
Fabio pulls his pants back up and pecks my lips once, "Thanks, I needed that", he says with a smile before he walks out.
I get up and clean myself. When I want to put on my dress, I realise Fabio broke the zipper. I put on some boyfriend jeans and a shirt instead, my feet in sandals.
When I join everyone back in the pitbox there are only a few laps remaining. Every one looks at me in curiosity and I don't want to explain myself, so I just walk outside to the pitwall.
"What happened to your dress?", Tom asks from beside me. I didn't hear him walking up to me, so I jump a little out of surprise.
"The zipper broke", I don't look at him, just at the race. Jake's doing good, that's nice.
"Are you okay?", Tom speaks again. I briefly look in his worried eyes, before looking at the monitors again.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?", I ask a little confused.
"Because you're standing here emotionless. And you were all smiles and happy today. And you come back wearing baggy clothes", he calls me out. And I look down, suddenly realising that he's right. I am wearing baggy clothes and I'm not really feeling anything right now. I'm not really happy for Jake, I'm not really upset or happy with what just happened. But I feel okay. I didn't dress myself like this on purpose. I didn't really think when I pulled this out. Atleast not conscious.
"I feel fine Tom. These were the first clothes I could find. There's nothing going on", I smile at him, but I don't feel happy doing so.
Tom nods, before going back inside.
I stand still for a few minutes, his words make me doubt myself.
When I look back at the pitbox, I don't see Fabio or Tom. They are probably busy preparing.
*ciao, do you maybe have time for a quick chat after the race? If you don't, don't worry, I don't want to interfere with any of your plans*
I send a text to Domizia. I need a female perspective on this. I don't know how to feel about the sex we just had. I mean I liked the kiss, I moaned.. but the rest happened really fast and I don't know what to think. I still don't really know what happened or why.
*yes! Just come to our unit after the podium ceremony*
It feels like there's a weight lifted from my shoulders with this text. I just really hope she can help me and doesn't think I'm weird or anything.
I make my way over to the pitbox, waiting for Fabio and Tom to come back. I don't feel like going to the unit again and he's probably almost ready to come here.
And I'm right, writing a few minutes I see them walking back in. Fabio in his leathers with the front still open, his earpods in and phone in hand. He sits down, preparing his stuff, before standing up again and walking over.
"Good luck out there, have fun and be safe. ik hou van jou", I tell him what I always tell him for every practise since FP1 in Japan.
"Je t'aime", he pecks my lips softly and it's such a contrast with the sex we had earlier. I like this side, this careful, soft side. But maybe he's more rough than I thought.
I watch the race in his pitbox and it's terrible, yet again. Fabio has a good start, but makes a mistake and fails back and when he tries to fight back he crashes. I can't imagine how frustrated he must be.
When he comes back he speaks a few words with Lin, before going straight to his unit with Tom. I let him be. He needs to freshen up and change for his interviews anyway.
My phone rings just when I'm about to go check on him.
"Matteo. Hi", I answer as I see the caller ID.
"Hi. Can you do a quick check on Morbidelli, just to be sure?", he asks a little out of breath. I saw him just crashing a few minutes earlier and Matteo must be there at that turn.
"Yeah, sure. On my way to Clinica Mobile now", I say before ending the call. I let Lin know where I'm going, before making my way over.
Luckily Morbidelli didn't injure himself and the checkup was short. I go back to Fabio's unit and see him laying on that same couch. The race ended and the podium ceremony is playing on the TV.
"You okay?", I cautiously ask.
"Yeah. Just disappointed. But I'm fine", he says, giving me a small smile.
"Do you need to be checked out?", I ask. I am worried, he crashed too many times this season. It's scary.
He shakes his head. "No, no. I'm fine, I promise", he sits up, "but I was hoping to have some time with Tom and Jake? To drink some beers and get the frustration out..", he says, hesitation in his voice.
I nod, "yeah sure. I texted Domizia earlier for a chat, so I'll be there for a while, okay?"
He pulls me in a hug, kissing my cheek, "Thank you"
I go back outside and make my way to Pecco's unit and get there at the exact same time as Domizia.
"Congrats! I haven't seen the entire thing, but a podium is incredible", I say, hugging her.
"Grazie. How's Fabio?", she asks, letting go of me and taking me inside the unit.
"Disappointed, but other than that he's fine. Luckily"
"That's good", she gives me another look, before sitting down. "But, what the hell are you wearing, ragazza?"
Immediately my cheeks turn dark red, out of shame.
"That's why I'm here", I mumble, looking down.
"Because of your terrible fashion choices?", Domizia asks confused.
"Uhm.. no. I feel a little embarrassed to ask", my voice is soft when I say this and I don't know how to continue really.
"Just ask. Nothing to be embarrassed about", Domizia tries to convince me.
I nod a little. Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. "Has Pecco ever been rough with you before a race? Is that normal for them?", I ask in a whisper.
It's quiet, it's quiet for too long. Eventually I look up to see Domizia looking shocked.
"I.. uhm.. never mind", I say, standing and walking towards the door.
"What do you mean with rough?", she asks when I want to open the door. "Did he hurt you?"
I shrug my shoulders. "It was just sex"
"There's no such thing as 'just sex'. Come.. Raccontami", she says, taking my hand and guiding me towards the couch.
"So.. what happened?"
"He took me towards his unit, kisses me hard, pulled my dress of me, fucked me and thanked me before walking back out", I sum up rather emotionless.
"And I gather that's not how you usually do it?", Domizia asks.
"Did.. did Pecco tell you?", I ask a little hesitant. Domizia looks even more confused now. "I don't think he did.. I've been raped. I was still a virgin. It was with my former boyfriend. And Fabio and I got together rather soon afterwards", I fill her in. This isn't hard for me to tell, anymore. I feel a little embarrassed, but it's not my fault that it happened. I know that.
"Fabio helped me through it and I've been in therapy. When we have sex, he's careful and loving and he always talks about making love. He says he had enough quick fucks in his life", I try to explain.
Domizia nods slowly, "Okay.. so he doesn't want a quick fuck, but that's exactly what happened today? He thanked you like you're a prostituta"
"What if this is how he is? What if he held back this entire time?", I ask scared. What if that's true? I don't want it to be true.
"How're you feeling now?", she asks me softly.
I just shrug.
"I mean about what happened? Are you scared or angry or sad?", she tries again.
"I feel empty. I feel nothing", I shrug my shoulders again. "I mean I am scared this is his nature, because I didn't enjoy it one bit. But I'm not angry. And I can't say I'm sad either"
"Maybe you should ask him about it? You can say that you didn't expect it to happen and how it was different from the other times.. maybe ask him if it had something to do with the race or the way you looked in the dress", Domizia suggests.
I nod slowly, "I'll think about it"
"Bellissima. Time for the vino", she says, clapping her hands together before standing.
We both enjoy our wine and drink more than normal. Atleast I do.
Pecco joins in for a while and I end up going back to the unit around midnight. This is the only night we're sleeping here, before we leave tomorrow.
Fabio's fast asleep and I join him, not bothering about changing clothes or anything at all.