"Do we need to come with you?", Fabio asks later that day.
"No, you have your media stuff. I'll be fine walking", I tell him and Tom. I take the Yamaha jacket and put it back on. It's far too warm for a jacket, but it's better than a tight shirt.
"I still don't understand why you don't want to wear the shirt", Fabio comments, shaking his head.
"If anything happens, if you feel unsafe, you call me!", Tom protectively tells me.
"Please just let me walk there in this warm jacket without extra comments", I eye them both before slipping on my sneakers. Of course I'm scared to walk there alone. I mean the whole MotoGP world is more men than female. But at the same time, I have to someday. And I can't keep them from their work. One thing I know for sure is that I'm not running into Alex here. And that's a good thing.
Tom stands up and comes to me. He stands in front of me, looking me in the eyes. "We just want to make sure you're okay. So please know, you can call both of us if anything's wrong. And please just send me a text when you're there and when you're back here. Not for you but for me and my sanity", he half smiles at me.
I nod, walking out of the door.
The walk isn't that long to begin with. I am at the clinica mobile in fifteen minutes. I text Tom right away.
*I'm here, I'm fine*
Not sure if I should wait outside or go in, I'm looking around outside for five minutes before actually going in. It's not busy inside. There are a few men walking around, looking curious at me. I pull my jacket more around me, to cover myself a little extra.
After looking around for a few moments, a girl walks up to me.
"Hi, you're here for Matteo right? I'm Marta. He'll be here in a few minutes", she tells me.
"Hi, I'm Julie. You work here as well?", I shake her hand.
"Yeah. Just desk work and planning appointments. I understand you were here with Fabio Quartararo earlier?", She asks interested. She seems my age, maybe a little older. And definitely Italian.
"I was, I hope Matteo isn't angry for interfering his treatment"
That's the cue Matteo needed to appear.
"Hi, Julie. You follow me?", He doesn't sound happy.
"Hi. Uhm.. I'm sorry for this morning", I start as soon as we are in his room.
"Don't worry. So you majored in motorsports?", He sits down and looks at me expectant.
"Yeah. I did a master in sports physio. With two majors, motorsports and tennis", I sum up.
"That's impressive. Why?"
"I'm interested in the motorsports, ever since I was little. And in Nice I saw a lot of motorcross and tour riders. The tennis is just because of the movement and the impact on the upper body. Also the coordination"
"Ah, makes sense. But that's an impressive resume"
"It's not all. I did a master in oncology. And right now I'm doing a psychology course"
"Really? Why the oncology?" He seems really surprised.
"My dad got sick and I felt powerless. So this is a way I can help people who are, where he was. I like the challenge. Oh, he's okay now by the way", I tell him smiling. "What about you?"
"Well I'm working for a few years now. Doing regular physical therapy and echo. No master, no major. I mostly see football and rugby players. I'm here to continue Julio's work. And actually, I'm very impressed by your expertise", he tells me.
"Maybe don't tell Fabio about the little experience you have. No offense, he just isn't really a fan of yours, right now" I smile apologetic, he chuckles a little.
"I figured. You his girlfriend?"
"No, no. Just a friend of Tom's. It's just a coincidence I'm here this weekend"
"Okay, well.. I don't call the shots around here, but you have far more expertise than anyone here. So I wanted to ask dr. Zasa, what he would think about hiring you. That is, if you're interested", Matteo explains. I'm shocked.. I never thought he wanted to ask me this. I thought he wanted to slap me on the wrist for treating Fabio. Am I interested? If you asked me a few months ago, I would say yes immediately. Now I don't know.
Well that's not true. I'm interested, I just don't know if I can do it.
"I um.. I'm a little surprised? I don't really know what to say", I tell him after a few moments. "I mean, this was my dream. But things changed in my personal life, that makes me a little hesitant"
"Well, you know what, I'll talk to dr. Zasa and let you know. If he's interested, he sure first wants to see you, talk to you. And you'd probably need to work on a trial base for a while. So you don't have to be sure right now", he says, laying a hand on my shoulder. I flinch at the contact. Why are physical therapists always so touchy, feely.. I pretend like nothing happened, shaking his hand and thanking him, before heading out.
The walk back was short. I walked as fast as I could, wanting to be back at my safe space.
I update Tom when I'm inside sitting on the couch.
*I'm back*
It took almost two hours, I'm a bit anxious right now. The whole proposal, the prospect of maybe working here, the question about being Fabio's girlfriend, the touching. It was all a bit too much.
I need to think about all of it, but my mind gives me errors. I can't sit still, so I keep pacing around. If I want this, I'm giving up on my whole life. But what life do I have left? It's a way to start over. But it's also a big risk. It was a dream, but is it still? I am qualified, but am I skilled? I don't have any experience. Can I handle working with and around so many men? Would I feel save?
So many questions, so much doubt. The door suddenly opens, startling me.
"Hey", Fabio walks in.
"Oh hi", I get a glass of water, just to keep myself busy.
"You okay?", He asks, coming to stand next to me.
"Yeah. Actually, can I go running?", I know he said something about running on track. But I don't really know anymore. And I need to do something.
"It's still a little hot, but yeah. I just need to call Tom and change", I nod, walking towards my room to change. Five minutes later I'm back in long sweatpants, a big shirt and the Yamaha jacket. Fabio just ends his call with Tom.
"He'll be here in fifteen minutes", he looks me up and down a few times, "you are not running in that"
"What? Why?"
"In that you will be out in five minutes. It's way too hot. And I won't carry you", he tells me, walking towards his bedroom. "Come"
I follow him into the room. It's bigger than Tom's, it has a big queensize bed.
"Here" he hands me a pair of loose basketball shorts. They reach to my knees. And takes off his Yamaha shirt, handing it to me.
I feel shy, standing in his bedroom with him shirtless. I look down at my shoes. My old running shoes.
"Shit.. I'm sorry. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I didn't mean anything with this", Fabio sees my reaction, he quickly pulls another shirt over his head.
"Julie", Fabio walks slowly to me, as on cue I slowly walk back. Till my back is against the wall. "Julie, look at me"
I can't. I slide down the wall, sitting down when tears start to form.
"I.. um.. I'm sorry", my voice quivering. "I'm so stupid"
"Julie, I'm sorry. I didn't think", Fabio stands a few steps away from me. Almost as if he's afraid to come any closer.
"No, it's no big deal. Look I'm gonna head out for a bit. I'll be back later", I stand up, giving him the clothes and leave out of the door.
"Julie", I hear behind me, but I'm already outside. I just walk and I keep walking.
The thing that keeps spinning in my head is not the fact that I was so uncomfortable but maybe I liked seeing him without a shirt? And that frightened me.
The question Matteo asked also stays in my head. I really am stupid.