One smile, can start a friendship. One word, can end a fight. One look, can save a relationship. One person can change your life. Don't know why but his happiness is the only thing that always mattered for me. I could always feel him so close to me and even when he's gone I can still feel him.
I did my best to make him realize that but I guess it wasn't enough or I don't deserve Hammy's love ever. But that wasn't his fault, he has devoted his love to her. I can't do anything about it but to accept that hammy will never be mine.
When you're alone, you reflect. You reflect, then over think. You over think, then regret. You regret and become depressed .
My mind and my heart just broke into pieces but I still can't realize that. If Hammy's happiness lies in Mary then I'll do that for my love , even though we won't be closer ever after that. He won't be my Hammy again for whom I used to put all my efforts to put a smile on his face when no one else was there for him . After the incident that happened to Hammy I never thought that he'd ever leave me like that. I could and can do anything to make a better way so hammy could live normal life again. Making sure of that I have to do the same thing now and that's what I did.
Just because it doesn't happen right away doesn't mean it won't happen for you. Don't give up. Don't count yourself out. Don't feed the negative thoughts and fear that might pop up to make you doubt yourself. Keep trusting. Keep believing. Keep going. Your time is coming.
I decided to go England and headed towards Mary's home. Every step feels like pushing myself away from Hammy. Tears started coming out of my eyes and falling tears made way to my cheeks kind of made it harder for me to stop it but I had to control myself in order to face it all . So that's what love demands, that hurt yourself in order to save your love life/lover.
Your actions and your words should always agree with each other but that wasn't happening to me .I had a thought in my mind while walking towards the door that I might be the stupidest person enough to let that happen to myself, but this time and I guess every time it wasn't for me. I did it all for my Hammy.
I took stand and enforced my mind & put myself out from all mixed contemplation and rang the doorbell. No one opened the door so I rang it again, my heart was pounding really fast. Kind of hoping something else from myself inside. Suddenly that happened what I never predicted.
I expected that the Mary would open the door but when the door opened in front of me was an old lady whose hair was white and waist belly. Even before she could ask me I told her that I am Mary's friend .She requested me to come in and then we sat in the TV launch and started talking. She told me that in the past few years Mary have changed quite a lot. She also left her school and started taking drugs too. Late nights and being locked up into her room all the time has became her habit. She told me to wait and then Mary came after a while.
I myself had not met her for many years .Part of me was saying that she doesn't even be worthy of Hammy, so I should leave from here .There were a lot of things going on in my mind at that time Maybe I wanted to get out of that situation .
Conversation started and then I told her that Hammy wants to see you .At this point she started fighting with me and kept on saying that I have used Hammy for my benefit and Publicity. In fact the things I was going to say her, she flipped it all on me and then she made me realize that it was all my fault.
I was your cure,
And you were my disease.
I was saving you,
But you were killing me.
But that is not true I have always given more importance than myself to the happiness of Hammy. For me it was Hammy's love that I was surrendering my happiness for him. And love is always given, there are no complains and demands.
Afterwards I told her that he still loves you a lot and you should do the same and asked her that, do you ever feel physically sick because you know you're not good enough for anyone and can't do anything right, no matter how hard you try?
How is it so easy for you not to care?
How can you sleep at night knowing you completely destroyed someone who only wanted to give you the world?
It hurts like hell when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging, and you have to act like you don't care at all.
Truth is,
He miss you.
All the time.
Every second.
Every minute.
Every hour.
Everyday.
I'm surprised how his heart is so strong to handle all this pain
Of course you'll never know because that never happened to you. Afterwards I convinced her that she should come to the show/concert and after that also meet him. He will be singing for you in your city and I gave her a concert ticket also great and meet and went away from there.
There were 5 days left, now I was just waiting for the 25th of December.
Hammy's POV:
its been years and after all these years i always used to think i was not mature enough to handle all the difficulties of life . Your own inner child will always make you feel afraid for loving again ,not just someone but to yourself too . I used to think i still love Mary but that's where i was wrong . You don't miss the person but the memories and good times spend together.
When i met her this time , i felt nothing towards her . No hatred, no love, no affection nothing but it was just a blank space in my heart. She stood right in front of me waiting for me to say something and i was staring in her eyes and flashback of my whole 25 years life started running.All the good memories and bad memories eyes teared up.
" I can't live without you Mary "
"but i can"
These lines keep on reminding it again n again but i came back to my sense and greeted her.
"Say something Hammy please"
"Get mad at me or shout at me after what I've done to you"
i replied "i don't know what to say after so many years, life has changed unexpectedly and with it many things have left behind. I was so much in love with you , the presence of you being in front of me was so special that i couldn't think of anything else. Being heart broken has taught all the life lessons and harsh realities of this life which i wasn't able to handle. "
"But Hammy, you don't have to think all that now. Today you're famous with all the money, success and getting whatever you ever wish for. I used to miss you all the time but i was so ashamed of myself that i couldn't face you but i have always loved you from the bottom of my heart"
she asked me "You're smiling Hammy?"
"its because the girl who always left me when i needed her the most is saying today that she will never leave me"
"Remember the day when i texted you expressing all my feelings but you said you've nothing what i wish for and not even worth anything . You were world to me but after achieving everything today i feel like you never wanted to love me , you just needed me to fulfill you lifetime desires "
"You were my proud but now when i see you i see a completely different person "
Mary replied saying "you would be hating me for everything I've done to you"
"i can't hate you nor i could ever forget you "
"there's no mercy for betrayal, and if there is then there was no love at first place which made you fall in love again with every other person "
see tears started running from my eyes but truth is that i don't like crying for you anymore good bye forever
I was falling into the world against a pillow of voices. Not her voice, not yet, but other people's voices. I haven't heard so many sounds in what seems like forever.
Mary's POV:
Mary was the definition of a bad girl. She was evil, heartless and pure crazy.
I know everyone perceives it the way it looks and seems but i wasn't like that before . Today life's been so cruel to me but back in the days i used to be innocent soul, when i was completely young and unaware of the harshness of the world .
I grew up to be a single daughter of my mom. Our father left us when i was very young and i had a vague moments of him still in my mind .
"Well, that was something i could never forgive and one of the miserable moment for me."
It happened so quick.
One beautiful afternoon, in my room. Sleeping in peace, I dreamt of unicorns and palaces.
i was nine years old ,when at home my uncle used to come bringing imported chocolates for me , making me sit on his lap and used to kiss me . Being alone in the bathroom he used to make me sit again on his lap and love me all over and i used to yell / cry . But at the same time he could cover his hands onto my mouth so that when I'm crying nobody could listen to it when i'm crying in pain . It used to hurt alot and
Shhh .. shhh.. its done almost done
my doll , so beautiful
best girl in the world , you are the princess
most beautiful
He used to say it all , and used to come over again n again . I used to cry out my heart but
Shh.. don't say this to anyone (He used to say)
It happened almost everyday.
The touching and the rubbing.
He'd visit me,
I'd be asleep, not knowing.
Sometimes, I'd be tired.
Powerless.
No energy to push him away. "I'll tell Mommy." I said.
He glared at me, "Mommy will hate you." I crumbled in fear.
Every time.
Everyday.Every night.
The same lines, the same threat. "If you don't let me, I'll kill you and your family." I backed away, letting it happen.
Letting him touch me.
Letting him eat me, like the predator does to prey.
Hunting me down,
Tearing me apart.
Slowly, I break under the gaze of his presence.
I become his prey.
He rips me apart mercilessly.
And I don't utter a word to anybody.
In order for him to stay happy with me,
I let him do it to me
In fear of him hurting Mommy.
In fear of him doing it to sister.
I endure his actions.
I let him break me.
In fear of him hurting Mommy.
I endure his actions.
I let him break me.
Was this also a way of showing affection?
But it felt wrong.
Should I ask Mommy?
but one day i told my mom everything happening and my mom replied :
Shhh.. don't tell anyone about all this okay ?
and i never told this to anyone
All of this torture stopped but he never stopped coming . He still bringing the chocolates and kept on doing that for years
He used to make me sit on his lap and used to love me in front of everyone
Thinking it was just another expression of love, I smiled and did the same.
It was just a few moments, but it felt like hours.
my doll , so beautiful
He would have his fill, like the animal he is and you have to live in between them, love them , smile , staying in between them .
Sometime i used to think that may be i should run away from all these thoughts and people.
Deep down i guess everyone wants to run away at some point in their life .