Everyone expects to find true love, but that never happens always. Sometimes our expectations lead us towards disappointments. Some people claim it doesn't even exist; I always used to think of it as if I would find my princess. But, deep down, I know we all hope to find the best for us. We all want to be loved; we all want to matter to someone, and I can assure you there is someone out there for you.
More than 7 billion people populate Earth, and I firmly believed someone out of that large number was my perfect match. I have always believed in Jesus Christ as my Lord and saviour. Unfortunately, there is a possibility of you not finding them and causing you to die raw and embittered. But that was simply not my case.
She was my cousin and my very first childhood friend (Her name was Mary). I thought I found my soul mate when I was seven years old. That is a young age, isn't it? Despite the afterthought, I still feel fortunate to spend those precious moments with her. While other people spent years trying to find their loved ones, I found mine when I was barely getting to know the world.
Mary was a really nice girl; she was adorable and sweet. She grew up to be absolutely, astoundingly gorgeous. Mary was tall, slim and her hair was dark obscure colour, and so were her endless deep eyes, drowning me in her essence every time. But it wasn't her good looks that attracted me to her; it was her true self and charm, His...love for me. She was that type of person everyone wanted around them. She was entertaining and loud, something to look at and soak in every detail. Practically everything I could ever want. I don't know why but she was so perfect for me, even though we were imperfect at that time, just like two opposites. She used to tease me a lot and whenever she visited my home on summer vacations. Mary lived in another city (in Ankara) with her mom and dad, whereas I still live in Istanbul.
Since our homes were separated by around 350 km distances, that's why we never got much time to meet each other a lot in our childhood, but she was still my best friend, and I knew that Mary used to like me too. Everything was going great, and we both were having fun in our life's but then one day, suddenly, my whole imaginative story turned around in a new direction until I received a heartbreaking phone call.
Hammy: hello! Who's this?
Mary: hi Hammy, it's me, Mary
Hammy: where have you been for so many days? (I was worried about her)
Mary: aye! I don't have much time for all these conversations; I have to tell you something significant
Hammy: what is it?
Mary: Actually, um... My parents and I are shifting to England within 2 days.
Hammy: but why :( This shouldn't happen.
Mary: I don't know the real reason, and after all, it's a family's decision so, it's a goodbye call
Hammy: um... OK, take care. Bye.
Afterwards, I met her at the airport. I was sad for those distances, but I can spend my whole life waiting for her, and I think she used to miss me as much I miss her. One of the best things about Mary is that she had a smile that could brighten my day no matter how bad it was. One hope that always makes me happy is that she'll come back soon to Turkey, but that didn't happen as I expected.
We didn't talk much in that period because social media wasn't standard at that time, and I used to be careless at that time and Mary always complaining to me that I got so much angry with her all the time, but I never cared. True, be honest, I think no one gets mature at the very young age of 14.
Music has been a passion for me since childhood and is growing up; I always wanted to pursue it as a career. Meanwhile, I focused on my studies and the music I loved the most in that period.
It's been 2 years, and still, Mary didn't come back, and everyday spending without her felt so bad from the inside, but my sadness wasn't going to hold it for too long, and it turned into happiness when I heard the news that they'll be arriving back to Turkey for few days next week.
Finally, my waiting time was over and so that I'd be able to meet my childhood friend or, I say, crush. After two weeks, I heard from mom that Mary and her parents had just arrived at their hometown; she met me along with her parents the next day.
The next day Mary called on my phone and told me that she was coming to my home any minute. I was so glad to see her and these moments were so special for me; I was thinking about her, and my house bell rang. I ran steadily towards the door and opened it. I paused for a moment when I saw Mary.
It felt like you're a more whole version of yourself, not because you weren't whole before, but because you've met someone who reminds you, constantly, through their actions, words, and energy, that you are worthy of love.
When I said hey for the first time, I felt my heart beating fast. I thought it was just a moment of my heart's drama. However, now I understand it was her making a huge place deep inside. She looked gorgeous; I still remember her pink dress, which looked adorable like a cherished princess. I don't know, but I felt some strange feeling at that time for Mary, which I never felt for any other girl. I couldn't resist watching her again n again.
We talked about random things; Mary told me about her experiences in England and about her new friends and "Did you miss me?" Mary asked shyly, staring at the floor, making her beautiful long lashes shield her eyes from my steady gaze. And I replied 'yes' with a smile on my face (I don't why, but I was shy at that time).
I didn't ask her the same question because I was sure she missed me too. Talking to her really made my day, we both had a great time and then she went back home. While she was in Turkey, I really wanted to share this strange feeling that I was experiencing, so I decided to visit Mary's home with my parents. But I couldn't be asked for it, so I kept my feelings to myself. We talked a lot, and she asked:
Mary: hey, listen?
Hammy: yep!
Mary: do you have a Facebook account? because I already have it and I want you to add me
Hammy: No, I don't have it, but I'll create it soon, and I'll add you
Hammy: it will be fun because we don't get time for each other
Mary: Mmm.
She didn't reply to anything, but I didn't understand her real meaning. I was 16 years old, and she was 14 at that time, and we both weren't mature enough to make everything sort out quickly. Anyways she went back to England, and I decided to tell her about my feelings for her. She just stole a big part of my heart, and she became a big part of me.
Firstly I created a Facebook account for Mary, and then I searched her name on the search bar. Afterwards, I send her a friend request. I was too excited to share my feelings for her, she became so special for me, and my perception of her totally melted my heart. She was so lovable for anyone.
So, I was waiting for her to accept my friend request, which she accepted that evening.
On the first day, we talked about our daily lifestyle. I wanted to say everything that had been running in my mind for an extended period.
The next day came, and while texting her about random things, I texted her,
"sweetie! Do you like sex"
(I never had harmful intentions for her)
"Wtf, just shut up?"
She said, "Are you stupid or something, and you aren't supposed to ask me these types of questions" obviously, she got angry with me, and I shouldn't ask her like that. I was crazy at that, and I never cared about right/wrong. I kind of feel sorry for her now, though.
"I'm sorry", I replied.
She didn't reply to anything afterwards, so I planned to text her the next day.
Till the next day, she didn't text me back so, I said everything in one conversation.
"I think I'm in love with you" "and I think you love me too; I'm curious to know your answer too so, please reply to me soon."
she was online at that time, so she saw my text my started typing. (A popup appears when another person types on Facebook).
My heart was beating faster, and I was hoping for the best in every waiting moment. I thought she would love this and would happily text me saying," I love you too, Hammy", but that didn't happen as I always expected for many years; finally, I received her text.
"Listen, Hammy, you are taking it in a wrong direction, and I never thought like that", Mary said, "It'll be better if we stay away from each other"
"But, I have always loved you."
"No one can love you like me."
She replied, "you are not the type of guy as I always dreamed of"
I don't want to give it any chance ".
I just wanted to convince her because she became such a special girl in my life, so I replied, "please don't do this; I'll be completely broken without you."
"I already have a boyfriend in England, and he loves a lot, "Mary said, "You are not worth it."
"This cannot be continued further."
"Don't text me again, bye."
She blocked me, and I paused for a moment. I wasn't able to control my feelings and emotions; tears started coming out of my eyes. I felt like nobody on this entire planet could love her as much as I do! And I never felt so bad before. You know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart.
I said to myself:
"No, she hasn't fallen for you. No, she isn't going to break up with her boyfriend and fly into your open arms.
I shouldn't expect that much from her.
Maybe I was just a fool for her"- that's the truth.