Chapter Sixteen

"Hey." Adam's voice came out scratchy from lack of use that day and he let out a cough to strengthen it. "I wasn't sure if you'd come."

Mia turned to look at him, prying her eyes away from the living room she hadn't seen in years. "Do you need me?" She didn't know why she asked him that question, but now that it was out there, Mia wanted to know the answer to it.

Adam scratched at his stubble, then crossed his arms, giving her another one of those forever looks. "Yes."

"Then I'm here," she told him in a soft voice. "I know things are broken between us, Adam, but we're still family and when you need me, I'll be here, just as I expect you to be there if I need you."

Adam took a step toward her, then paused. "Would you tell me if you needed me?"

"Probably not," Mia admitted with a shrug, "but you didn't tell me and I still knew you needed me."

Adam continued to walk toward her, then passed her toward the fancy crystal liquor bottles. "I deleted your number from my phone. It was the only way to stop myself from calling you after you left."

Just as she hadn't thought about the words she spoke before, her mouth opened without thinking yet again. "It didn't stop you from seeing me two years ago though, did it? How long were you in Mesa, Adam?"

The bottle stood still in the air for a solid ten seconds before he began pouring. "About a week. I was there on business and would love to know how in the hell you know that considering I didn't tell anyone about going."

This wasn't the time to tell him, but either way, Adam needed to know. "I was on a trip with my boyfriend when I got the call about your dad. He's here with me, at the house. Saw your photo on my wall and told me he contacted you about a book cover and you flew down for a meeting."

Adam downed the glass, then poured another. "I take it your boyfriend is Holden Crawford."

"He is," Mia confirmed.

"I remember when I first saw that name on an email and thought it was the most fucking pretentious name I'd ever heard in my life. You two serious?" Adam shook his head at his own words and let out a small, shaky laugh. "Of course you are. You wouldn't take him home to the funeral for the father of the man you were in love with unless you were serious about him."

"He insisted on coming," Mia defended. She didn't realize just how much this would dig the knife into his pain, and regretted her decision to allow Holden to come with her. "We're taking things slow."

Adam downed the second drink, then slammed the glass on the table, keeping his eyes on the glass. "How slow are you taking it, Mia? Has he been inside of you yet? Are you thinking about moving in together? Does he lay next to you every night and wake up to you every morning?"

There was a sharpness to his voice that caused Mia to take a step back. "Adam, you just lost your dad-"

"You think I don't fucking know that, Mia?" Adam asked in that same sharp tone, his voice filling the air of the silent house as his eyes landed on hers. "Yes, I just lost my dad. Now I'm asking you to tell me if I've lost you, too. I'm asking if another man has everything I should have." Where the words before came out as more of a scream, the next came out almost as a whisper. "And I'm asking because right now I'm already in a world of fucking pain and would prefer if you poured salt on an open wound instead of waiting to open up a fresh one."

This all would have been so much easier if she'd come home at another time in love and ready to take the next big leap in a relationship. But despite all her efforts, Adam was still her home.

"No," Mia admitted with a shake of her head, "we haven't slept together yet."

In an instant, the distance between them no longer existed and his mouth was against hers in a desperate and pleading kiss like none other she'd had. Mia told her body not to respond to it, told her mind not to give in. Yet her throat groaned as her mouth opened for him, her hands found their way into his hair and her body pressed against hers.

Adam's fingers worked in a feverish frenzy unbuttoning her pajama top and, despite her mind screaming, 'turn back while you can!' her heart failed to listen.

She felt his tongue circle around areola, his teeth graze against her nipple, then moved her body to the arm of the couch.

The day Mia left Chicago, she thought doing so would force her to stop waiting for him. But despite all the years and the distance and despite her determination to move on with another man, there was no moving on. She'd spent her life waiting for him, for this moment and no matter who entered her life, Mia would spend the rest of her days, until one of them lowered into the ground, as his.

Adam discarded his shirt and tossed it to the ground. Then his eyes connected with her own. She saw it then. If he loved her, it was somewhere far in the background, shadowed by his desperation and the reluctance that would always persevere above his own heart's desires.

Her hand pressed against his cheek, and Adam closed his eyes and nuzzled against it. Mia pressed her lips against his, wanting to feel that softer side of him first, to see him for who he was, only for her. He kissed her back just as slowly, but with a sadness she knew too damn well. That same sadness she felt on Christmas Eve and the night he showed up on her doorstep.

That was all it was. His eyes could play tricks on her, but never this.

When her lips separated from his, Mia felt her own tears drip against her cheeks. She knew that pain within him well enough to know what it meant. "You still aren't going to choose me, are you?" Her whispered words stung every fiber of her being.

Yes, she was his and always would be. But she felt in that kiss he still had no intention of being hers. Mia was nothing more than his outlet for the pain building inside of him over his father's death.

He was right all those years ago. They could spend a decade apart, and it wouldn't erase anything. Not her love for him or him loving her, but not enough.

Adam's silence told her everything she needed to know. But she still needed to hear him say it. "You will never choose me. Admit it right now, Adam. Tell me I will spend the rest of my life loving a man who would kill or die for me, but has no intention of ever being mine."

"Mia," he spoke her name like a slow breakup song.

She fastened the buttons of her shirt, pushed him back, and left the couch. "You told me once that you were in love with me. Was that even true or were ready to tell me anything to get me to stay?"

"I meant what I said that day."

Mia shook her head. "No, you didn't. I'm not sure you're even capable of that kind of love. You've been punishing me for growing up for the last ten fucking years. How much pain are you going to cause me before it lets up, huh?"

While it was all true, every word was unbearable to say aloud and, by the look in his eyes, was the same to hear. Mia took the final ounce of courage she had within her and walked over to him, placing her quivering lips against his cheek. "You always have been and always will be the great love of my life, Adam, and you loved me when I was a child, back when you didn't have to be so damn ashamed of it.

"But I'm not that child anymore and I think you hate me for that. It sucks, and it's pathetic that your hate doesn't bother me as much as losing that love you used to feel for me. You can't hold on to that child anymore, Adam, because she's not there anymore. And if you can let go of her, you can let go of that hatred you have for me because even though I can handle it, you can't. It's eating you alive and the more I look at you, the more I see the Adam that stood on my balcony and seemed completely indifferent about breaking my heart.

"Or maybe I should follow my advice, let go of the Adam who used to be my entire world and admit that he doesn't exist anymore. Either way, if you keep hating me like this, I will start to hate you back and I don't want to waste my time on hate."

Mia kissed his lips one final time, then grabbed her purse and keys. "When I got here and saw you standing there with all your gray hair, I had this fear that I'd blink and you'd be an old man that I'd have to watch slip away, this chance at love gone forever. Then I get this moment of clarity. You sound like him and look like him, sometimes even look at me or talk to me like he did, but the man I loved never came back after he left, did he?"

There was little point in waiting for his response since he'd barely said a word to her since this all started, so Mia walked out the front door and shut the door to her past once again.