Chapter 35 - Questions I'm Asking (and Answering) For Myself About Emotions

How do I find peace when nothing I've ever done has felt certain, fulfilling, or enough? How do I create a life that's right for me, without feeling lost, exhausted, or like I'm getting it all wrong? How do I truly heal from depression?

What Am I Feeling and Why?

I feel uncertain about everything:

- I overthink and overanalyze every decision I need to make, trying to predict every possible outcome to create the certainty that was missing in my life before. Every decision feels high stakes because I don't want to repeat painful experiences or end up in a situation where I feel powerless.

- I struggle to trust my own instincts because I don't want to let myself down by choosing the "wrong" path. I don't trust myself because I've let myself down before.

- Every time I think I've settled on a path, doubt creeps in, and I start wondering if there's something I overlooked. I want clarity but I feel stuck in an endless cycle of questioning.

- I don't feel fully sure about anything—not my career, my relationships, myself, or my future—which makes it harder for me to move forward. Seeing global crises adds another layer to my uncertainty. If everything can be taken away so easily, then what's the point?

I feel drained from everything, especially my own emotions:

- My emotions are really deep AND I absorb the emotions of others. I've had to navigate emotional intensity my entire life (bullying, abandonment, heartbreak, and loneliness) as well as collective pain (racial injustice, the pandemic, and other ongoing things). Seeing so much suffering in the world makes me feel numb, like I've been exposed to too much pain that I no longer have the energy to care about.

- I don't always get the emotional rest I need because I feel responsible for helping others or making sure I don't let anyone down.

- Even when I'm alone, my mind is constantly processing emotions and situations, so I never feel like I can fully shut off. I've had to feel so much, for so long, and I'm so exhausted by it all.

- I love being compassionate, but it's exhausting to feel everything so intensely all the time.

I feel pressured to get everything right:

- Every choice feels like it has huge consequences because I need my life to feel meaningful.

- I don't want to waste anymore time on something that doesn't truly fulfill me, but I also don't know exactly what that is.

- I worry that if I pick the wrong path, I'll end up stuck and regretful.

- I feel like I should know what I want by now, and that pressure makes it even harder to figure things out.

- It's overwhelming to think that my choices today might affect my future happiness, and I don't want to get it wrong. My deep need for purpose makes every choice feel like life or death.

- I'm such a perfectionist because I want protect myself from feeling powerless or lost.

I feel disconnected from everyone and everything, including myself:

- I crave deep, meaningful relationships, but I often feel like I don't truly belong anywhere.

- My introspective nature makes me feel distant, like I'm watching life from the outside rather than fully experiencing it.

- I've withdrawn from friendships because of my own struggles, and now it's hard to reconnect. After going through so much loss (my dad leaving, friendships fading, homelessness, and emotional struggles) I've learned not to get too attached, because attachment often led to pain.

- I feel like I've missed out on certain relationships or experiences because I was too caught up in my own head. My introspection and self-reliance became a survival tool, but now it's hard to reach out, even when I want to. I'm afraid of rejection, of realizing that some connections have faded, or of not knowing how to reconnect.

- Sometimes I don't feel connected to myself—like I've lost sight of who I truly am outside of responsibilities and worries.

I feel tired and I want to slow down but I feel guilty about resting:

- I'm exhausted—mentally, emotionally, and physically—but I struggle to let myself just rest. I've spent years pushing myself, whether it's school or trying to keep myself from breaking down for the approval of others.

- When I try to slow down, I feel restless, like I should be doing something. Rest didn't feel earned because there was always something urgent to handle. I learned that being productive meant being safe.

- I worry that if I stop being productive, I'll fall behind or be seen as lazy. I already feel like I've been seen that way now.

- My worth feels tied to how much I accomplish, so I struggle to relax without feeling guilty.

- Even when I want to do nothing, I can't full enjoy it because my mind won't stop racing.

I'm afraid of the unknown:

- The future feels uncertain and I don't know what my path looks like. I crave purpose but I don't want to chase the wrong thing (it already feels like I have). And because no path is 100% clear or certain, it's hard to commit.

- I want stability and security, but I also want fulfillment, and I don't know how to balance both. I grew up without a strong sense of stability—family struggles, homelessness, or losing friendships. This instability makes it hard to trust that things will work out.

- I fear making a wrong decision and ending up lost, stressed, or unfulfilled.

- Not knowing exactly where I'm headed makes me anxious, but I also don't know how to move forward with confidence.

- I don't like feeling like I'm out of control, but so much of life is unpredictable, and that's scary.

I feel grief for what I lost:

- My friendships, my childhood stability, a loving father, a sense of security, a loving relationship, the college experience I could've had without COVID, all of these things were taken from me in ways that were unfair. Some losses were gradual while others were sudden. Because I've had to keep moving forward, I never got a chance to process that grief.

I've had to carry everything alone:

- My experiences have isolated me and forced me into independence and self reliance.

- Even if people are there for me, it's hard to let them in because I don't want to burden anyone or risk being let down (and both has already happened when I've opened up in the past).

I don't full trust joy:

- I want to be happy, and I want to enjoy life, but every time I get close, something reminds me that it can all be taken away.

- There's a part of me that's hesitant to full embrace joy because I wonder if it's going to last.

I'm worried about my own mental health:

- I'm worried that I may be diagnosed with something.

- I'm worried that something is wrong with me and that I'll never be fine (and that I never was fine to begin with).

- I'm worried about being reliant on medication to get by. I don't want to take any medication.

I hate myself and I feel it's my fault I'm suffering:

- When people don't understand me, it makes me question if I even deserve to be understood.

- I feel like I'm failing myself so every mistake, every emotional reaction, and every moment of suffering feels like proof that I'm doing something wrong.

- When my family or friends don't acknowledge or understand my struggles, it feels like my pain is invisible, like I have to prove that it matters while also trying to survive it.

- When I express my pain, it's frustrating to not be met with the depth and care I need. When my pain isn't validated, it makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

- I've tried so hard to fix myself and nothing has worked, so it feels like I can't be fixed.

I don't want to be here:

- I want relief but I don't know how to find it. The exhaustion makes it hard to hold on.

- I struggle to see the point of pushing through the pain if there's no sign of a way out.

I'm angry and annoyed with my family:

- My emotions are never taken seriously or they're seen as excuses, so it makes me hate my emotions and everything about myself.

- It's ok if I'm yelled at and disrespected by my parents, but when I point that out, or when I show them I'm annoyed or general hurt by it, I'm painted as the problem. And it makes me feel unloved, unwanted, and guilty for even existing and being a bother to them.

- I feel confused when I'm treated with disrespect and coldness after expressing my distresses, worries, and fears or if I don't meet expectations (because I'm struggling), but then when I'm clearly traumatized, I get treated with love after the fact. In the moment, all I want is a listening ear, but when I try to express myself, I'm shot down. And when I'm depressed and miserable for a few hours after, I'm then met with a hug. It confuses me and makes me question if I'm loved or I'm really unloved and barely tolerated.

- When this happens, I feel desperate and want to run away from home. I don't feel at home anywhere. It's hard to talk to friends about how I feel, and I feel like I can't tell my family how I feel either. But then it hurts me in the long run because when they see I'm hurt, they don't understand and I can't make them understand, no matter how hard I try. And that hurts more than anything else.

I have a deep need for certainty and clarity, but I'm completely stuck in overthinking. I have a desire for purpose, but I feel exhausted by the weight of trying to find it. I long for connection, but I feel so isolated and am unsure of how to reach out to people. I so desperately need rest, but I keep telling myself that my productivity equals my worth. And I fear the unknown so much but I'm also frustrated that I can't control everything. I don't believe in joy because I feel like it can always be taken away from me. I'm worried about my own mental health. And I don't want to be alive because I'm tired of suffering. I hate myself so much because it feels like my suffering is all my fault and I can't fix it. And my family doesn't make it any better. They make me feel bad for just being someone who is hurting.

What Am I Doing With My Life:

What am I really supposed to be doing with my life? How do I make sure that what I do actually matters? Will I ever feel sure about my career and life choices? How do I make decisions when I don't even know what I want? Can I ever have a life where I don't feel trapped by expectations? How do I move forward when I don't even know where I want to go?

When it comes to these questions, there's no "right" answer. I have to learn how to navigate the uncertainty. These are better questions I can ask myself:

- What feels interesting or meaningful to me right now?

- What small step can I take in a direction that excites or challenges me?

- What matters to me?

- What moments have made me feel alive?

- What problems do I find myself caring about?

- Who or what do I naturally feel compelled to help?

- If no one was watching, what would I want for myself?

- If I made a decision purely for me, what would that look like?

These questions will ultimately lead to me to answers that reveal who I truly am at the core. I've been feeling stuck because I was forcing clarity before giving myself space to explore. I've been looking for the "perfect answer" to what I should do with my life, but what I actually need is to experiment, try things, and gather more information before deciding.

In order for me to get unstuck, I need to start doing things for fun and experiencing life again instead of just planning out my life and trying to turn it into a career or a "productive" thing. Trying new things doesn't have to be a serious decision, a commitment, something I have to be good at, or something that defines my future. Instead, it can simply be a small experiment and a temporary thing, just to see if I enjoy it without the pressure of having to be good at it. For example:

- Instead of thinking, "I have to choose a long-term career path" I could flip it and say "I'll take a free online class on a topic I'm curious about and see if I like it."

- Instead of thinking "I need to know if I want to do creative work" I could flip it and say "I'll spend an hour a week drawing, writing, or designing and see how it feels."

Since I never got the chance to explore freely when I was younger, I don't actually know what I like yet—and that's okay. It's all about trying different things and documenting what it is I'm drawn to.

Balancing Exploration and Job Hunting:

My career has felt paralyzing because I've been trying to answer too many questions at once: What job will give me stability? What career will make me happy? What am I even good at? Do I need to start over?

Instead of trying to solve everything at the same time, I could split it into two separate categories:

- Survival Work: Finding a job that pays the bills and gives me security, even if it's not perfect

- Exploration: Trying new things, experimenting, and figuring out what excites me without pressure

I can work and do job search during the day and spend the evenings doing things I enjoy. This way, job hunting won't consume my entire mental space.

I shouldn't expect every single job to answer all of my life questions. Once I can formulate a career goal, then I could pivot. But for now, I can focus on finding a "good enough" job that uses my current skills and provides me the sustainability I need. I could also find a learning based job, like a structured paid internship, fellowship, or contract role. I can even do freelance or temp work while I explore. The key is figuring out the kind of work that would allow me to stay financial stable while still giving me the time and freedom to explore new things.

Not everything I do has to be for a certain goal. My path will reveal itself if I follow my curiosities, skills, and values.

What If I Make the Wrong Choice:

What if I choose the wrong career path and regret it? What if I commit to something and it doesn't fulfill me? What if I make a decision and it leads to failure, suffering, or disappointment? What if nothing I choose ever makes me happy?

Underneath all of this is a fear that my choices define my worth, my future, and my happiness—so making the wrong one feels like something I can't afford to do. And because no decision ever feels certain, it feels safer to stay stuck than to risk moving forward.

The truth is, there is no "perfect" choice. I need to change the way I see my choices, my mistakes, and my ability to navigate life. Right now, every decision feels high-stakes because I believe that:

- there is a "right" or "wrong" choice

- if I choose "wrong," I'll end up trapped in regret and suffering

- my happiness, security, and purpose is dependent on making the correct decision

To overcome this, I have to shift my mindset. I have to 1) Accept that there is no "right path, only different paths, 2) Trust myself to handle whatever happens, 3) Redefine success for myself, 4) Release the pressure of knowing everything before acting, and 5) Accept that fear doesn't mean stop. Instead it means to step forward gently.

No choice I make will ever be 100% right or wrong—it will just be a path that leads me to new experiences, growth, and opportunities. Even if something doesn't work out the way I hoped, I'll gain insight that will help me refine my direction.

My fear isn't just about making a mistake, it's about believing I won't be able to fix it or bounce back if things go wrong. But I've already survived so much. I've adapted, grown, and kept going even when life was painful.

Uncertainty is normal. No one has life completely figured out. The only way to gain clarity is through experience. Thinking and analyzing will only take me so far. Taking action, even small steps, is what brings real understanding.

Here are some better questions I can ask myself:

- Instead of "What if I choose wrong?" asking myself "What can I learn from this choice, no matter how it turns out?"

- Instead of "What if I regret this choice?" asking myself "How can I support myself no matter what happens?"

- Instead of "I have to be certain before making a choice" asking myself "What is the next small step I can take right now?"

- Instead of "I can't move forward because I'm scared" asking myself "I'm scared because this is new, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try."

To limit overthinking I can set a deadline to make a decision and use a decision making framework. For example, I can give myself two weeks to explore something, and then I can choose without further stalling. When I do finally do choose, I can take small actions towards that decision but not fully commit to it. For example, I can decide to research, take a course, or talk to someone in a certain career field. From there I need to trust the process. Instead of expecting certainty, I should be expecting growth. Any choice I make will teach me something. I also need to remind myself of my past resilience. I've been through so much and I've always adapted. There's no perfect life plan. My path will change, evolve and grow with me. It's ok not to know everything right now. Instead of focusing on what I don't know, I can focus on what I do know, and what I do know can help me make a decision in the now.

I am capable of making the best choice for myself with the information I have now, and if I need to adjust later, I should trust myself to do that.

How I Can Process My Emotions Without Drowning In Them:

How do I give myself permission to rest without guilt? Why does relaxation feel unproductive or uncomfortable? Why do I avoid my emotions instead of feeling them? Will I ever feel truly rested-physically, mentally, and emotionally? What do I need to let go in order to experience true peace? Why does everything feel like too much? Why am I always tired?

I feel everything so deeply that it's exhausting. Since I care so much, I don't want to shut it off completely. But at the same time, I end up feeling numb to it all, and I push my emotions down instead of dealing with them—until it's too late and they come pouring out.

From now on, I need to remind myself that I won't be failing anyone by taking time to myself to recharge. My mind is constantly analyzing emotions, but I need moments of peace.

I can create structured rest. For example: no emotional processing after 8pm. In that time I can practice mindfulness, deep breathing, or sensory activities. I can also engage in hobbies to distract my mind like music, crocheting, or other mindless entertainment. I could go for a walk, clean my room, watch my favorite show, play video games, talk to a friend, or choose not to talk about my situation with anyone at the moment. The goal is to intentionally get my mind off of the emotional distressing situation in order to give myself a break. I deserve moments of peace and I don't want it to seem like I have to force emotional distress in order to analyze everything right away. One I've reached a calmer state of mind, then I'll be better able to figure out a way to deal with my issues and determine where my emotions are coming from.

If I can't get my mind off my situation, I need to practice acceptance and intentionally sit with the feelings I'm having, acknowledging them without shame. I've been through and seen so much suffering in the world that I often feel powerless, but I also feel responsible for making things better. But I need to remember that I can't save the world. I can make small, meaningful contributions in my community. But I have to focus on what I can control instead of drowning in what I can't. Other people's emotions are NOT my responsibility to fix.

Feeling overwhelmed or numb isn't a sign that I'm broken. It's a sign that I'm overloaded and that I need a break. I can do different things to relax my mind until I'm calm enough to figure things out. But if I can't relax, I need to allow myself to feel my emotions without judgement. If it's too overwhelming, I could take a break. The important thing is accepting my emotions and allowing them to flow when it's safe to do so.

Why I Never Feel Like I'm Doing Enough:

Am I ever enough? Why does it feel like something is missing, no matter what I do? Where does this pressure come from? Is it external (expectations, responsibilities) or internal (perfection, self-doubt)? Would anyone still love me if I wasn't "successful"?

I'm enough, exactly as I am. All I have to do is exist. I don't have to prove myself to deserve love, rest, or happiness. I need to allow myself to be a human being. I can only gain peace by accepting where I'm at, and letting myself be.

Why My Mind Feels Off:

I've been dealing with chronic stress, mental overload, and lack of deep fulfillment for a long time (and all at once) because I've been trying to heal, improve my career situation, do my current job well, and explore next steps all at the same time. Even if I do get some rest, my mind isn't fully convinced it's ok to rest, so I end up feeling guilty and restless. My mind also hadn't been engaged in ways that feel personally meaningful, so I've been bored and feeling empty. Even though I'm actively seeking new things, my brain isn't fulfilled because it's processing too much at once to fully enjoy them.

My mind is asking for both a break and meaningful engagement. I need to remember that rest is productive (I need rest in order to heal and gain more focus and clarity). I can also try active rest (coloring, walking, journaling, or listening to music), and setting a timer for rest so it doesn't feel like I'm wasting time or avoiding something.

Instead of diving into all my curiosities at once, I could pick one or two small low pressure things to do (watching one video or reading one book chapter). I can also mix engagement with relaxation (like listening to a podcast while lying down).

I can even batch my time so that some days are focused on rest, some days are focused on action and productivity, and some days are focused on exploration (learning, creativity, and trying new things).

Why I Feel So Disconnected:

Why do I always feel disconnected from others, even when I want deep relationships? Why does it feel like I don't belong anywhere? How do I reconnect after isolating myself so much? What if I reach out and people don't care, reject me, or don't understand me? Can I ever rebuild relationships I lost? Why do I always feel like I have to carry everything alone? How do I let people in without feeling like a burden?

I can start can small. Instead of seeking an immediate deep connection, I can allow relationships to grow gradually. I can choose safe people to be vulnerable with (people who have shown care and emotional depth in the past). I can reconnect with past friendships and send messages like: "Hey, I've been thinking about you. I miss you and hope you're doing well." No pressure, no long explanation. Just letting them know I care. If they don't respond, it's not a reflection of my worth. And if they do, it's a chance to reconnect, even little by little. I don't have to share everything I'm going through. I can share a little piece of it and go from there.