21: Unspoken Fears

SIERRA

I won’t lie, I was a bit jittery when Harper’s text about tonight’s party popped up on my screen. The idea of a laid-back gathering, free from pretentiousness, where I didn’t have to play the part of a princess, was appealing. I was all dolled up, grateful that vampire-friendly clothing was a thing here.

Shopping with Grace had been a blast. I was hesitant to max out Harper’s card, but Grace insisted, saying it would upset him if I didn’t. Harper enjoyed spoiling me, so I let Grace take the reins.

I was worried about the bill, but Grace made it seem like I was moving in permanently. Harper didn’t mention the shopping spree, easing my anxiety. He was genuinely kind and attentive, remembering the little things I said.

When I returned from my day out with Grace, a bouquet of flowers awaited me on the counter. I couldn’t suppress the girlish grin that spread across my face. I had mentioned my love for dahlias and my dream of having a garden.

Six vibrant dahlias sat in a large pot on the counter, accompanied by a note. It said I could plant them outside or keep them in the pot. I couldn’t resist touching the live flowers.

They weren’t just cut stems destined to wilt in a vase. I could keep these. His thoughtful gesture touched me deeply. Was there a flaw in this man?

I couldn’t find one. It was a new feeling, longing for someone’s return, wanting to converse with them. Grace was also in constant touch, making me wonder if this was what friendship felt like.

I was wary of being overwhelmed by affection, but I knew Harper and Grace weren’t manipulating me. Harper was careful not to push me, noticing when I needed space. I was also resisting the urge to feed, trying to control my lust.

I knew there were drugs for that, but bonding for a vampire was easiest during lustful periods. I could feel my body changing, and I knew I had to feed soon or risk going feral. I wanted to know more about Harper, to understand him.

I didn’t want to rush into anything. I didn’t fully grasp the concept of true mates for wolves. I understood the basics, but did it always work out?

Did they ever regret it? Would Harper regret me because I was a vampire? I hadn’t discussed it with him yet, always chickening out.

He had expressed his desire for a true mate, but he was also careful not to pressure me. I groaned, running my hands through my hair and leaning on the counter. I was a mess.

Was it just me, or did others struggle like this too? I jumped when I heard the door open, quickly fixing my clothes and hair. Harper walked in, looking as handsome as ever.

I was probably biased, but he could wake up looking disheveled and still be the sexiest man I knew.

“Did you get a lot done today?” I asked, hoping my nervousness wasn’t obvious. I was anxious because I was too scared to voice my concerns.

I had been contemplating all day how to discuss my lust with Harper, or if I should continue to keep my distance.

“Not as much as I hoped. Still better than nothing,” he replied, heading toward his office. I watched him, wondering how to start the conversation.

It shouldn’t be this hard.

“Grace mentioned some administrative positions at the hospital and in record keeping. I know Axel has given me tasks, but I want to do more. I thought that might be a good start,” I said, trying not to fidget.

Harper emerged from his office, a slight frown on his face.

“If? Are you still unsure about staying here?” he asked, his voice edged.

I stuttered for a moment. I had a habit of using vague language to avoid confrontation. I realized my words might have implied that I was unsure about staying here long term.

I felt my cheeks heat up.

“What? No, I mean yes. I want to stay here. I just want to be able to support myself, not rely on you for everything. I don’t want to be a burden,” I explained.

His frown deepened. I realized my words might have suggested that I wanted to keep my distance. Why was it so hard to talk to him?

“What do you mean by ‘stay as we are’?” he asked, his expression guarded. “I didn’t realize you were unhappy with what has been provided.” He moved toward me.

I instinctively stepped back, fearing he was angry. He noticed and stopped in his tracks.

“Sorry, I’m not unhappy. I’m grateful, I just misspoke. I’m not planning on leaving. I’m just used to being on the defensive. I don’t want to run away,” I assured him.

He exhaled.

“Sierra, if that’s true, why do you avoid me when I come near?” he asked. “Do you feel obligated? Are you afraid I might hurt you?”

“No!” I blurted out, feeling the situation spiral out of control. I couldn’t decipher his thoughts. Despite my ability to read minds, his mental walls were impenetrable.

It seemed like he had been bottling up some emotions, and they were now surfacing.

“I’m not trying to escape from you. You’ve been nothing but kind and generous to me. I appreciate it more than you can imagine,” I assured him.

He tilted his head, deep in thought. Internally, I was a bundle of nerves. Damn, he was so observant, picking up on my every little tell. And he seemed to be misinterpreting them.

“I know you’re grateful. I want to be there for you. But I can’t help but notice that you seem uncomfortable around me all of a sudden,” he said.

Harper moved closer to me. I stiffened but didn’t back away. It wasn’t fear that held me in place, but anticipation.

I wasn’t used to initiating intimacy outside of the heat of the moment. I craved more than fleeting moments with him, but I didn’t know how to navigate this unfamiliar territory.

I had never witnessed a proper courtship.

“Like now, you’re tensing up,” he observed, letting out a sigh. For a moment, I saw a flicker of hurt in his eyes. It made me feel guilty.

“Harper, you’re misunderstanding me. I just need some time to think, to get to know you better. I’m not uncomfortable around you,” I said softly.

“I tense up because I’m not sure how to navigate this. I’m not like you, and that makes things difficult for me. You might regret choosing a vampire as your true mate. I might not be able to reciprocate your feelings,” I confessed, watching as he searched my face for answers.

“Sierra,” Harper said, sending a shiver down my spine. He stepped closer and reached into his pocket.

“I need you, Sierra. I yearn to have you by my side. It’s incredibly difficult to come home every day and feel like you’re pushing me away. And I’m not just talking about sex. I’m talking about us, our relationship. You talk to me, but my wolf senses the barrier you’ve put up, and it hurts.

“I’m a lycan, a werewolf. This is who I am. I’ve seen you, and there will never be anyone else for me. I want to work through this. Yes, I desire you physically, but I also need you emotionally. I don’t know how else to explain what this means for a wolf. I understand your past, but I was hoping you’d see the future I want to build with you,” he said, his voice steady but tinged with hurt.

“Harper,” I began, but he interrupted me. That was unusual for him.

“I need you to decide if you’re ready for this, or if you still need time to think. I can’t…I can’t keep doing this. I have a lot on my mind, and you’re always at the forefront. I won’t put you second, if that’s what you’re worried about.

“But it’s painful for a lycan to feel rejected by their mate. I know you don’t feel it, but I do, and it hurts. So here’s my key. I need you to decide if you can open up to me, or if you need more space. I also don’t want to see you starving yourself. I know you haven’t fed. If you’re doing that to suppress your lust, there are other ways. I don’t want you to use me as a reason to hurt yourself. I’m not like the men you left behind.”

“I know you’re not!” I said quickly, panic creeping into my voice. I was starting to worry that he wanted to end things, to distance himself from me.

That wasn’t what I wanted at all. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to give this a chance.

“I never thought you were like them. I’m sorry, Harper. I just didn’t understand, and I’m sorry if I triggered something. Especially by making it seem like I was considering leaving. It’s just a defense mechanism. It will take time for me to break that habit,” I said.

He studied me. “You need to feed, Sierra. I told you I would provide for you, but you didn’t take me up on my offer. It’s really bothering me that you haven’t fed. Miguel is still outside. He can take you to feed. I need a moment to collect myself. My wolf is agitated, and while it might not seem like a big deal to you, I’ve been suppressing his natural instincts.

“The need to mate, to respect you. You’re welcome to join me after you feed, but only if that’s what you truly want. This can’t be some experiment that you can end whenever you feel like it,” he said.

“I haven’t fed because I know it will trigger my lust,” I tried to explain.

“Did you think I would take advantage of that? We have ways to suppress things like heat or lust,” he said, a hint of irritation in his voice. “I’ve never forced myself on you.”

“That’s not it, Harper. This is a vampire thing. I need to do it this way,” I said.

“So you’re starving yourself because of me? That doesn’t make me feel any better,” Harper said, his eyes darkening.

I took a deep breath. I hadn’t realized how close he was to the edge. He was usually so composed.

I also realized that Harper was a natural provider, someone who enjoyed taking care of those he cared about.

My decision to hold back had been misinterpreted as ingratitude, and that wasn’t my intention. I wasn’t sure how to handle this.

Normally, I would just shut down during an argument. But this wasn’t a situation where I could afford to do that.