Chapter 30: Twenty-Five

A week or two had passed, I wasn't really sure. Time had seemed to escape me in the midst of all that was going on inside my head.

My unusual joy had run out about a day after it came. Though it felt good at that moment, I was glad it was gone. That wasn't me. I wasn't some overjoyed person who was happy about everything all the time, I enjoyed not feeling that pressure. The need to be happy all the time. I liked being mean so people stayed away. It was who I was.

I knew I hadn't hit rock bottom yet, and it was coming soon. I felt it would be one of the lowest lows I'd hit. I just wondered who I'd be on the other side.

I had surprised myself by visiting what I now dubbed 'the haven' most days—usually at night. It had made me feel a bit less lonely. It didn't get rid of that little emptiness in the back of my mind, but it helped a little.

Being there and learning of the wyverns and their behaviors had given me a way to distract myself and I was grateful for it. They were such sentient creatures sometimes I convinced myself they could talk but chose not to.

I spent most of my days in my room reading different things; War tactics, fantasy novels, a bit of romance—I was surprised at how accurate some were to the worlds I'd visited. Some of the characters even reminded me of the people— friends really— I'd met there.

Feyre had rarely visited me. She had been busy lately with painting. I didn't mind, as long as she was happy.

My family had always come above all. They were truly all I had. As much as I hated to admit it, I missed living in that hovel with them. At least we had all been together, even if at times we couldn't stand each other. I knew Feyre would always be my family. But these past weeks, I'd watched her move on more and more as I just watched.

'    I felt stuck.

The worst part was, I knew it was going to get worse.

I had no idea why the wingless faerie's death had thrown me for such a loop. Maybe it was because of all this change; moving to Prythian, leaving my family, my friends. Maybe I'd just snapped.

I didn't really understand. I didn't really care to.

I had spent today in the library reading about Prythian's various Myths; The Mother, The Cauldron, how Prythian was created, the creatures that ruled this world before Fae. The list could go on.

It was interesting to read about. To see how different their culture was to the humans of this world. I wondered why the humans had abandoned all the gods. Maybe it was out of spite, or because of the war. I didn't think I'd find my answer in any of Tamlin's books, though.

When night had finally struck the land, I snuck out into the Western woods once again and returned to the majestic creatures that resided there.

I approached the dark branches that formed a giant wall around the small paradise. The branches seemed darker in the moonlight. I never really took the time to truly admire the structure. It was intimidating, any sane person would be deterred by just the height of it in general. Lucky I wasn't a sane person.

But the size of the structure also begged the question; How had no one found it before?

It was absolutely ginormous, and it was probably the least inconspicuous structure on this planet. Yet no one had seen it? Had it just not been reported? Had they not been able to get in?

I wished I could do more research, but there were too many reasons as to why I couldn't afford to. Tamlin or Lucien—Cauldron, even Feyre could see what I had been researching and begin to question it. I refused to do anything that would endanger the Wyverns more than they already were. There was also the problem of time, I could only afford to visit this place at night, and I needed to sleep sometimes.

To summarize, I was a mess.

I took one last look at the giant structure before I placed my hand on one of the rough wooden branches. I watched as the branches separated from each other, gathering together to create the door I now knew so well.

I didn't hesitate to push it open and walk through the threshold. I made sure to shut it behind me and watched again as the branches gathered behind me until the door was gone.

The awe I felt towards this place still hadn't worn off in the weeks I'd visited.

I wondered who created this place. It could have been the goddess from the myth? I didn't think so, I remember the story being that she came after this place had been built. Had the Wyverns roamed free until they were forced into hiding? Why had they been used as weapons in the first place? Why had this goddess come to them in particular? Why did they not break free of this place in the thousands of years they'd been there?

Why? Why? Why?

Your curiosity, Danika. It will forever be your greatest flaw.

The familiar words rang through my head as if they were being yelled right at me.

Do not question. It will only get you killed.

I shook my head to clear the wretched thoughts from my mind. I kept walking through the cramped tunnel. Focusing only on getting out.

When I reached the end I practically slammed the door open, needing the fresh air to remind me of my own reality.

I closed my eyes for a moment, welcoming the night air that filled my lungs. I inhaled once. Twice. Before opening them again.

I hated when that happened. I hated that the horrid things people have said to me are still embedded in my mind. I hated that I remembered them.

Before I could even form another thought I was whisked off the ground and slammed onto something scaly. I pushed myself up with my elbows seeing as I was splayed out on whatever surface this was.

I looked around quickly. I was very high off the ground, and I was—moving?

I looked down— seeing immediately night-black scales and the head of a wyvern. Thankfully I knew this one.

"You asshole!" I yelled half-heartedly, "You scared me!" I sound I could have sworn was a laugh at me came from the Wyvern. I blew out a frustrated breath and crossed my arms practically pouting.

Azail; the name I had given this particular Wyvern. Decided to actually have a sense of humor today, telling me that I must have entered an opposite universe. I hadn't known these creatures for long but I've known Azail long enough to know this is not normal.

Azail began walking abruptly, throwing me off balance and nearly causing me to fall. But Azail just kept walking, barely sparing me a glance and I was forced to comply.

Oh, he definitely had something in store. But what was it?

So many questions, not enough answers.

We just kept walking. And walking. And walking. It felt like we walked forever. Literally. Not even joking. That took like an hour— translated to Danika time. Forever.

I was admiring the sky, and trying to find cloud shapes as I was laying down on Azail's back when I was nearly launched forward as he came to a rough stop. I'd really have to get used to that.

I sat up slowly as I took in my surroundings. We were in a small glade, the grass was quite tall and there were small white flowers that littered it. There was a small stream that ran through the left side of it and I could just barely make out small fish swimming through. I think it might have been my new favorite place in the world. I looked up at the sky and I could have sworn it almost glowed here. It was paradise.

Maybe now I understood why the Wyverns stayed here.

Azail looked up and turned his head a bit probably so I was in his line of vision. But what scared me was the mischievous glint in his eye that told me his plans of why he brought me here were going to be fulfilled.

"Whatever you're thinking. Just Don't"

Azail turned his head to look forward and a loud rustling sound followed. I looked around searching for the origin of the noise. And then I found it.

Oh no.

Azail had spread his wings wide and was now flapping them up and down as if we were going to...

Mother above, I was definitely going to die in about ten seconds. Maybe 15 if I was lucky.

Azails wings gained speed and I could feel us tipping upwards towards the sky.

"Azail don't you fucking da—" I didn't have time to finish my sentence before I felt a large gust of wind blow towards my face and we gained height in the air. I truly dreaded to admit it, but I screamed very, very loudly. It was possible over the span of a minute.

We kept gaining height until we grew so high I could have sworn the air was thinning around me. But then we suddenly just...stopped.

Azail evened out, and we began just gliding through the air. We were almost at cloud level then.

I was momentarily distracted from my immediate fear by just the feeling of flying. Cauldron, this was so peaceful. Maybe not the take-off part, but just flying through the air with the wind on your face was euphoric on its own.

We were coming towards a small patch of clouds— the puffy ones; my favorite. I stuck my hands up into the air letting out a whoop of pure peace as my hands floated through the cloud. The moon was shining on me and it almost felt like it sparkled just for me.

There were no problems up here. Just silence. I could learn to love this.

I let out a laugh and I smiled. A real one. One I hadn't used in years.

I lay back down on Azail's back as I had been doing just moments ago and closed my eyes. Allowing the feeling of wind on my face consume me as I just listened. The only sound up here was the sound of Azail's wings flapping in the air. I didn't have to pretend I was free up here. I truly was.

I wished I could stay up here forever. I would be happy up here.

But I couldn't and that dreadful reality hit me as we landed back on the ground. Back where I was chained by invisible bonds that would never be unshackled.

When I'd finally said goodbye and left back to the manor, I truly felt the weight of those shackles. It was a horrible feeling. To have that single taste of freedom for only a moment, and then all of that pressure coming back so swiftly I could have sworn my knees almost buckled.

I slipped up to my room, my breath coming in short gasps as if that weight were real and it had been pressing on my chest. I crawled into bed, not even bothering to change out of my clothes as I tried to remove this horrid weight, but it felt like my attempts were only making it worse. A tear slipped from my eye and onto my pillow. It didn't really matter— the weight on my chest. The shoe had finally dropped and it only told me what I longed for so long not to be true.

I was a puppet, a soldier, an assassin, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I was so many things. But I could never be who I wished to be.

I did not bother to get out of bed the next morning.

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Hi all! Dani is really going through it right now. I apologize. But on the bright side Calanmai is in one chapter, and the next three will be relatively short😏😏