Chapter 20: Shadows of Regret

DANICA

“I can’t offer you the kind of love you’re asking for,” he confessed, his eyes growing darker with each word. His fingers traced a gentle path along my arm, causing my heart to pound in response.

“I wish I could be the one to heal your heart, but I can’t. I made a promise…”

“A promise?” I found myself asking, my voice barely above a whisper.

“I vowed to do whatever it takes to protect you, Danica. Even if it means lying to you.”

With that, he pulled away and disappeared into the night.

Had he already lied to me? My cheeks flushed and my breath hitched at the thought.

As the day turned into night, my mood remained heavy. Celeste brought me food, but I could barely bring myself to eat.

As eight o’clock approached, I knew Creed’s meeting was about to start. Hugo and I were supposed to be there, but the thought of going filled me with dread.

I didn’t want to go, but I knew it was important to Hugo. Even if I was just a silent observer, I felt like I was contributing in some way.

I knew it wasn’t right to call it a cult, but what else could it be?

I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked a mess, but I didn’t have the energy to care.

I pulled on a pair of light-washed jeans and an oversized, worn-out sweater. My hair was a frizzy, tangled mess.

I searched the house for Hugo, but he was nowhere to be found. Eventually, I ran into Celeste.

“Where’s Hugo?” I asked, trying to keep the disappointment out of my voice.

“He mentioned something about a group studying the woods. He said he was going to join them,” she replied, her eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“He left without me?” I asked, my heart sinking.

Celeste looked taken aback. “Were you supposed to go together?” she asked.

“No,” I replied, my voice bitter. I could tell she didn’t believe me, but I was grateful she didn’t push the issue.

I felt let down. I had told Hugo I didn’t want his help with my mental health, but I never said I didn’t want him around. I had assumed we would go to the meeting together.

As darkness fell, I found myself staring out the window, lost in thought. I could hear Celeste’s footsteps approaching from behind.

“Where would Death be at this time of day?” I asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

“Death?” she echoed, her voice filled with confusion. “You mean your father, Death?”

I nodded, my heart heavy.

“I wish I knew. It’s hard to know anything about him when there’s no proof he even exists,” she replied, a smirk playing on her lips. “You’re one of the few who knows he’s real.”

“But how can I find him?” I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.

She moved closer, her eyes filled with curiosity. “Why do you want to know? Last time we spoke, you wanted nothing to do with him,” she pointed out.

I took a deep breath before responding. “If I have so little left, why should I be afraid? Besides, he’s Death. He would know what’s going to happen to me.”

I sighed, my shoulders slumping. “I don’t know much, but it feels like the right thing to do is to get to know the family I could have had.”

Her expression shifted at my words, and she quickly looked away.

“Celeste,” I said, my voice soft. “Why have you always kept your distance from me? You’ve known me my whole life, but you’re still a stranger.”

She didn’t respond right away, her usual carefree demeanor replaced by a serious expression. “How could I claim a child who already had a family? How could I claim Death’s child?”

“But how could you let a child grow up alone when you had the power to prevent it?”

“I was there…”

“No, you weren’t,” I interrupted. “You’ve always been there, but you’ve never really been there. I don’t know you.”

“I couldn’t let you know me without revealing the secrets you were shielded from!”

“You had the chance, you just didn’t take it.”

Her eyes shut tight, a clear sign of her growing irritation. “Danica…”

“Wasn’t it simpler that way?” My voice was barely above a whisper, but the anger was palpable. “Seeing me all by myself. You’re a good person. So why didn’t you show me that goodness?”

She exhaled deeply, the weight of the conversation pressing down on her. “It’s easier for you to walk away if you don’t form any attachments.”

“But you never gave me the chance to walk away!”

Her pacing began, hands wringing together in anxiety. “The timing wasn’t right.”

“Do you want me to leave?”

She shook her head vehemently. “I never wanted you to leave, but you weren’t mine to keep!”

“I was there! Alone. And you did nothing to help me!”

Her eyes welled up, lips trembling. “I didn’t want them to take you away,” a single tear escaped her eye. “It was easier for me. When you would leave. It would be easier to deal with the loss. They told me I was just supposed to look after you for a bit. But you had a family. A family who did everything they could to bring you back home. And every day, I lived in fear that they would take you away.”

“So I was selfish and I protected myself. You were supposed to be a temporary child, so I kept my distance. But then you stayed and I didn’t know how to change my behavior. I didn’t want to take you away from a family you belonged to. From such wonderful parents, because they are truly angels. Your entire family. I was just a temporary nanny. But it lasted longer than expected. I never intended to hurt you,” her voice was barely a whisper now.

She took a few steps toward me. “But now I’m here. You’re not alone, Danica. Hugo and I are both here for you.”

I felt for her, but my childhood resentment was still strong. “Then stop pushing me away,” I said, instead of the million other things I wanted to say.

She swallowed her sobs and managed a small smile.

“I may not be your mother, but you and I are the same. I understand you. And I know you’re fighting against the thoughts that are consuming you. You’re destined for greatness.”

I shook my head in denial. “Both you and Hugo believe that but…”

“And he, more than anyone,” she cut me off. “He has faith in you, and he would move heaven and earth for you. Fight for him, Danica.”

I recoiled slightly. “For him?” I questioned. “I don’t owe him anything!”

She nodded gently. “You’re right. You don’t. But you care about him. Or at least, you used to.”

I used to?

“What are you implying?”

She brushed my cheek tenderly and left, leaving her question hanging in the air.