Chapter 72: Book 2 Chapter 3: The Centaur of Attention

“Then it was basically just a matter of convincing the cult that Lee was their moon goddess in disguise,” Vell said. “After that they got a lot less murdery.”

“Huh,” Derek said. “Why not just kill the guy who used to be in charge?”

“We try not to kill people if we can avoid it,” Vell said.

“Why? They were going to kill you, and they didn’t even know you’d come back,” Derek continued. “It’s not like you’re really killing people.”

“Well, still. Once you start thinking like that, you can excuse a lot of things. We have to draw the line somewhere, and ‘not killing people’ is a good place to draw it,” Vell said. “And, also, I just don’t want to kill anybody.”

“Nobody at all?”

“Well, maybe Alistair Kraid if I got the chance,” Vell said.

He tightened his grip on his bag and turned the corner. In the center of the quad, a narrow-shouldered centaur with chestnut red fur was haranguing any student who passed by, waving a broad sheaf of papers in their face as they tried their best to hurry past him. Vell grit his teeth and clenched a tight fist.

“And maybe that guy,” he grumbled.

“Excuse me, I am speaking to you,” the centaur shouted at the next student who rushed past his petition. He had a voice like sandpaper and spoiled milk. “I unfortunately require your assistance with a matter that I assure you is more important than whatever it is you’re doing.”

The centaur was ignored once again, and trotted in place to examine the quad for another victim to harass. He turned around and, unfortunately for both of them, laid eyes on Vell. He stomped two manicured hooves into the ground and started trotting in Vell’s direction.

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t Vell Harlan,” the centaur said. “I suppose this explains why I’ve been meeting no success. Have you poisoned the minds of everyone on this campus against me?”

Vell sighed. He thought he’d left this asshole in the past when he’d left MIT for the Einstein-Odinson.

“I don’t think about you if I can help it, Orn, much less talk about you,” Vell said. “Whatever you’re doing, it’s failing because you’re an asshole.”

“Hmmph. Crude insults as usual,” Orn said. “I’ll have you know I am pursuing a petition related to this school’s flawed management, and it is already my most successful to date.”

Orn proudly brandished the papers of his petition, displaying exactly two signatures: Michaela and Michael Watkins. Vell couldn’t manage to be surprised. The two leads of the Marine Biology department and Orn were about the same flavor of entitled, thoughtless assholes. While Vell contemplated his misfortune at crossing paths with Orn again, Derek took a closer look at the petition.

“Expanding Accommodations at the Einstein-Odinson Student Facilities,” Derek read aloud. “What, you want to make the dorms bigger or something? I’ll go for that, some of my roommates are total whiners.”

Orn scoffed and retracted his petition.

“This is not for your convenience, simpleton, it is for the advancement of my brilliance,” Orn said. “The facilities at this school are woefully incapable of supporting a centaur such as myself.”

Orn trotted his hooves and flexed the muscles of his equine lower half, emphasizing his perceived superior physique to the two mere humans.

“A lack of such accommodations prevents me from attending this academy, leaving slot opens for vastly inferior candidates like Vell Harlan to take a residency that should rightfully be mine.”

Orn glared very pointedly at Vell the entire time he spoke. Vell just rolled his eyes.

“I’m seeking to correct this grave injustice, and have the school expand it’s facilities,” Orn said. “So, human, can I expect your support in correcting this mistake?”

The petition was shoved his way once again, and Derek shook.

“Nah, if it keeps you off this campus, it can stay the way it is,” he said. Orn had made an incredibly bad impression in a very short amount of time. Derek turned his back on the centaur and started walking away. “Good fucking luck with that, Seabiscuit.”

“Neanderthal,” Orn muttered under his breath. He then returned his attention to Vell. “I won’t even bother asking you. I imagine you’re afraid that once compared to my brilliance, the school will realize they made a mistake in admitting you.”

“Actually, there’s plenty of room on campus for both of us,” Vell said. “Enough room for us to be very far apart, even! Here, let me demonstrate.”

He turned on his heel and started to walk away from Orn at a brisk pace. Orn’s tirade of insulting remarks faded into the background as Vell fled.

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“You know, those cooking lessons with Renard really stuck with you,” Harley said. Lee had prepared dinner while the two studied together, and Harley was devouring it with gusto. “We all learned a little, but you’re like, the only person even close to his level.”

“You’re just flattering me,” Lee insisted. “It’s nothing special.”

“No, I’m serious, this is a kick-ass gnocchi,” Harley said. “And I know gnocchi.”

“I suppose I’ll take your word for it,” Lee said. “Focus, though, what was that you were saying about kinetic friction?”

“Oh, basic stuff, just thinking out loud. I could-”

Harley interrupted herself when they both heard a knock on Lee’s door. She stood to answer the door, and then stepped out of the way as a towering centaur elbowed his way into the room as soon as it opened.

“Excuse me,” Lee said, as the centaur trotted past her. “Can I help you?”

“I am beyond the need for your help, though I believe I can be of assistance to you,” Orn said. “My name is Orn, and if I am not mistaken -and I never am- you are XL-X8 C/P Burrows, yes?”

Lee’s fist clenched, but she forced herself to keep a calm face.

“I prefer to be called ‘Lee’,” she said, insistently.

“My research had exposed as much, but it would’ve been presumptuous to be so informal before officially beginning our friendship.”

“Friendship?”

Orn walked into the center of the room and sat down awkwardly amid Lee’s dorm furniture, then pulled a sheaf of documents from a saddlebag.

“Yes, it has come to my attention, Lee, that you are friends with one Vell Nadir Harlan. I am here to present my case as to why this relationship is a waste of your time, and the advantages of entering into a friendship with me in his place.”

Harley’s jaw dropped, and she turned to see a similar look of shock on Lee’s face. The sheer audacity of this strange centaur left them both shell-shocked.

“To give a brief summation, I am more intelligent, capable, and socially advantageous to be in the company of than the aforementioned Vell Harlan,” Orn said, briefly reviewing his notes as he spoke. He extended the pages of notes in Lee’s direction as soon as he was finished perusing. “I have a verbal presentation prepared, or I can provide you a copy of my notes. This is a summarized version, of course, I can produce a significantly longer list of Vell’s personal failings upon request.”

It took Lee a few seconds to gather her thoughts, but she soon crossed her arms across her chest defiantly.

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“I am sorry, Mr. Orn, but I am going to have to ask you to leave,” she insisted.

“I can create a digital document if physical formats aren’t to your liking,” Orn said.

“It is not the format, Orn, but the subject matter,” Lee spat. “Vell Harlan is a dear friend, and I have no intention of abandoning him for any reason, much less to replace him with you.”

“Because you lack sufficient evidence to do so,” Orn said. “Let me present a brief list of bullet points-”

“Hey, you heard Lee,” Harley objected. “Vell’s our friend, and nothing you can say is going to change that.”

“Oh, I have no need to convince you, Harley B Harley,” Orn said. “My research indicates no incentive to be your friend.”

In a flash, Lee had closed the distance between herself and Orn had grabbed him by the shirt, dragging him to his hooves. She pulled him down, by force, to glare lances of hatred directly into his eyes.

“Get out of my dorm,” she growled. “Now.”

Even Orn wasn’t clueless enough to miss the sheer vitriol in Lee’s voice. He clutched his documents close to his chest and trotted out of the room at speed. Lee watched him flee with her hands on her hips, and let out a barely-audible “hmmph” of satisfaction as the sound of his hooves faded.

“Yeesh. Way to lay down the law, Lee,” Harley said. That was a level of anger usually reserved for Lee’s parents.

“I won’t stand for someone insulting one of my best friends, and especially not both of them,” Lee said. Then she brushed a hand through her hair to straighten it out, and her calm, gentle demeanor returned. “Would you like some more gnocchi, dear?”

“Hell yeah I would,” Harley said.

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Vell scanned his phone with a sigh. Harley had updated him on Orn’s shenanigans. They were upsetting, though not surprising. Luckily he had an easy way to put himself in a good mood. He looked away from his phone, to see Kim’s smiling face.

“I don’t see how anyone could dislike you that much,” Kim said. “Or why. Did you offend him in some way?”

“Only by existing, I think,” Vell said. “I don’t know what his deal is, but I- do you hear hooves?”

“I don’t know what hooves sound like,” Kim admitted. She then focused for a second, and stared into the distance. “No, actually, I think those are hooves.”

“How did- never mind, we should go, that’s either Orn or some kind of horse-based apocalypse,” Vell said.

“Which would be worse?”

“Orn,” Vell said, without hesitation. In accordance with the laws of the universe, or at least Vell’s life specifically, the minute he expressed that he did not want to see Orn, he saw Orn.

“Oh fuck me,” he mumbled under his breath.

“Okay.”

“Not now, Kim,” Vell said, as he actively pushed her back. “Later. Soon. Just, let me deal with this guy first.”

“Vell Harlan,” Orn said. “I’d heard you somehow deceived someone into being affectionate with you, but I didn’t believe it.”

“Don’t talk to my boyfriend that way!”

“I’ll talk to your boyfriend however I please,” Orn said. “He deserves worse verbal dressing-downs than even I can give him. Why are you even interested in him, anyway?”

“I like- He’s very…”

Kim went cross-eyed for a second. She knew there were reasons, but she couldn’t put a name to any of them. The attraction between her and Vell was just magnetic, something that could not be put into words.

“Your silence is the correct answer!” Orn noted. “There are no valid reasons to enjoy the company of Vell Harlan.”

“Okay, Orn, I get that you don’t like me, whatever,” Vell said. “But why do you have to make that everyone else’s problem?”

“Because it is everyone else’s problem. But my problem more so than theirs, of course.”

“Did I do something to piss you off this bad, Orn? Because if I did, I don’t remember it,” Vell sighed.

“Your existence alone is reason enough to despise you,” Orn said. Vell rolled his eyes and turned away.

“Okay, whatever. I got things to do,” Vell said. He shuffled some documents around in his bookbag and then gave Kim a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll see you after class, Kimmy.”

“Don’t keep me waiting,” Kim sighed. She watched Vell go with a smile on her face. A smile that vanished when Orn stooped low to examine her face very closely.

“Well you don’t appear to be under the effects of any psychoactive drugs or hypnosis,” Orn noted. “Has he put you under mind control by placing a rune on your body?”

“No,” Kim snapped. “I don’t have- Why am I talking to you? Why are you even here, other than to harass my boyfriend?”

“Though it is a very important task, spreading word of Vell Harlan’s inadequacy is a secondary objective,” Orn said. With a flourish, he produced his stack of documents and waved it in Kim’s direction. “My primary goal is to make the school aware of it’s own flaws, vis a vis providing inadequate facilities for non-humanoid students.”

Kim noticed that the document still only had two signatures. While Orn filled the silence with a lecture on the inherent discrimination of human-centric design, Kim thought to herself silently for a moment. A few pieces of Orn’s monologue did slip through the cracks -specifically, how hard it was to be something other than human.

“Petition: a request to do something, most commonly addressed to a government official or public entity,” Kim said softly. In spite of his caustic attitude, Orn was actually trying to do something good. “You know, I could sign that for you…if you have a pen.”

“Oh, splendid, of course, here you go,” Orn said. He handed over an ornate pen -engraved with his own name, of course- and held out the paperwork for Kim to sign. Having her name be only the third one on the petition felt a bit silly, but Kim felt like it was the right thing to do.

“I’m glad long term exposure to Vell hasn’t rendered you completely soft in the head,” Orm chided. The centaur’s inability to stop mocking her boyfriend for even one second made Kim reconsider.

“On second thought, keep your dumb petition,” Kim said. There was more than one way to do a good deed, and Orn didn’t have to be involved. She shoved the engraved pen back into Orn’s hand and headed off to find Vell.

“Just another brainwashed troglodyte,” Orn sighed to himself. Then he trotted off to harass someone else.

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While Professor Nguyen was occupied drawing an elaborate rune diagram for the class, Vell took the time to make some conversation.

“What about you guys?” he asked. “Amy, Reg, you guys want to do it too?”

“Sounds fine to me,” Reg said with a shrug. “Hand it over. After class, I think Nguyen’s almost done.”

While Professor Nguyen tolerated conversation when she was otherwise occupied, she expected the full attention of her students during her lectures. Even the chattiest of the chatty cathy’s had long since been driven to silence by the full weight of Nguyen’s withering glare. Professor Nguyen brooked no interruptions -which was why Vell felt twice his usual dread when he heard hoofbeats in the hallway outside the classroom.

The doors slammed open with unusual force, and Orn ducked his head low to walk through the doors -another failing of the school’s human-design, of course, that the door frames were too short for centaurs.

“Hello, students, I’d like to talk to you all about-”

Professor Nguyen’s head snapped in Orn’s direction, and all noise in the room ceased. She didn’t give a word of admonishment, nor did she move, or even blink. Nguyen simply stared, with enough cold fury to cool the fires of hell itself. As such, it only barely overcame Orn’s ego. He stepped back, carefully shut the doors behind him, and then galloped away from Nguyen’s nightmarish glare.

Vell briefly considered spending the rest of the day in Nguyen’s classroom, but that risked Nguyen turning the glare his way. He didn’t know if he’d survive that.

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“Hey, there you are, horse-man,” Derek said. He’d circled back to the island’s docks at the end of the day, to find Orn waiting for his ride home.

“That’s offensive,” Orn protested.

“How? You’re part horse, part man.”

“Maybe you’re part centaur and part ape,” Orn protested.

“I...fuck you,” Derek said. He wasn’t smart enough to come up with a counter-argument for that. “How’d that little petition of yours go?”

Orn wordlessly displayed his sheets of paper, which still had only two signatures. He needed hundreds for the issue to even be considered by the school board. The embarrassing defeat had done nothing to dull Orn’s ego, and the sight of it did nothing to lessen Derek’s enmity either.

“Oh, just two signatures, let me see,” Derek said. He held up a pen, leading Orn to have some hope Derek might be interested in signing it, only for Derek to grab the entire sheet and chuck it in the ocean. Orn froze in shock as Derek had a good laugh at his expense.

“That’ll save you the trouble of lugging it around,” Derek said. Then he started walking away, still laughing.

“I expect nothing less of Vell Harlan’s associates,” Orn shouted at his back. “You’ll be hearing from my lawyer for this!”

Vell, who was currently walking in the direction of the docks, had no idea why his name was being shouted alongside threats to lawyer up, and he probably didn’t want to know. He sighed, braced himself, and continued walking. He needed to get this done, at least.

“Ah, the man himself, come to bask in your minion’s torment of me, I assume?”

“I have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about and I don’t want you to explain it to me,” Vell said. He reached into his bookbag and withdrew a sheet of papers, which he slammed onto a nearby table with a loud thud. “Here.”

Vell took a step away and let Orn examine the stack of paper. A petition labeled “Expanding Accommodations at the Einstein-Odinson Student Facilities” sat on the table -with every single space for a signature filled.

“What is this supposed to be?”

“It’s your petition,” Vell said. “I got all the signatures you need.”

Knowing very well that Orn’s repellent personality would doom his signature-collecting efforts to failure, Vell had taken up the task on his behalf.

“Yes, but what’s the catch? Is this a decoy? Is the wording carefully constructed to make a fool of me? What have you done, Vell Harlan?’

“I’ve done nothing, Orn, christ,” Vell said. “You’re an unlikable, self-centered asshole...but you’re right. This school needs to do more to accommodate students like you. Just because I disagree with you doesn’t mean I disagree with that.”

Orn picked up the documents and did a quick scan, frantically looking for some kind of clever wordplay or forged signatures that would invalidate the petition. He found none. After doing a third scan, Orn finally relented.

“Well. I am forced to concede that you have done something correct, Vell Harlan.”

Vell just nodded.

“By my estimation you only need to accomplish three-hundred and thirty-five thousand eight hundred and sixty seven more such deeds to counterbalance the negative influence of your existence upon reality.”

“Fuck off, Orn.”

Vell walked away. He’d done his good deed for the day, no matter how badly it sucked. And it sucked a lot.