Chapter 27: Chapter 27

AMY

Serena’s fingers trail soothing patterns on my back. I’ve been lying here on my stomach for the last hour, my thoughts a miserable, scattered tangle. I’ve hardly spoken, but Serena doesn’t seem to mind.

Tristan was right about everything. I’ve been so consumed with protecting my heart over these past few years that I locked myself in a box. Oh, it’s safe in here, sure. But it’s also free of sunlight and laughter and joy. There’s no room for my heart to grow.

Tristan knew it. He saw the state of my heart better than I did, distracted as I was by my imaginary fanfic world that allowed me to experience the highs and lows of life from a distance. It’s a cowardly way of living, and I didn’t even see it.

“Tristan is an asshole,” Serena murmurs. “Imagine calling you a coward when he all but admitted he’s in love with you to me and Nick but wasn’t brave enough to tell you.”

I shake my head against my pillow. “He was right, Serena. That’s why it hurt so much.”

His words rang so true that a part of me must have known all along. The reality was hidden somewhere in the shadows of my locked box, but I refused to search for it, to meet it head-on and look it in the eyes.

“No, he wasn’t.” Her voice is firm. “You’re one of the most outspoken people I’ve ever met. That takes bravery.”

“No, you have it completely wrong.” My throat is thick with emotion. “I’m snarky because it’s easier than being real with people. If I were brave, I would have dropped out of the game at the very beginning. I would have told Tristan how much it hurt when he allowed Harper to humiliate me, and how I don’t trust him. Real courage means admitting your true feelings, even when they’re embarrassing.”

When I flip over onto my back, Serena’s frowning, looking lost in thought. “We don’t owe people our deepest thoughts and feelings, especially when we can’t trust them. You’re open with me.”

I shut my eyes, my despair so heavy it’s like a physical weight pulling me into the bed. “Mostly. But even with you, I was wary at first. I’ve been terrified of rejection ever since my friendship with Harper ended. It’s like…I’ve avoided the possibility of being hurt again.”

Is that why I let Cody in? Somewhere deep down, I knew his feelings were bigger than mine, and that meant the power to hurt was on my side alone.

If that’s the case, what a wretched, selfish friend I was. I miss him dreadfully. If he were here right now, he’d tell me straight up that my revenge plan was cowardly. Though Serena’s faith in me is warm and comforting in its own way, I need the ice-cold truth.

“I’d be terrified too,” Serena says. “You lost Harper. You lost your best friend in the world.”

I shake my head. “You wouldn’t have hidden away in your writing. I haven’t lived at all since I’ve been in college. Until Tristan signed me up for the game, I barely went to parties. I barely left this room except for class.”

She purses her lips. “Who says partying is really living?”

“I’m not even talking about partying. I’ve barely talked to anyone. Barely dated. I got with my boyfriend freshman year because I didn’t like him that much, which meant he couldn’t hurt me.” I sigh. “It’s pathetic.”

Serena tucks a strand of hair behind my ear, her touch gentle and soothing. “It’s not pathetic. Everyone is scared of getting hurt.”

“Not like me.” I swallow hard. “I’m so scared that I’ve lived like a hermit.”

Her eyes flash. “Tristan is so scared that he used the game to get close to you. If he were brave, he would have admitted he liked you from the very beginning.”

“It doesn’t matter what he’s done. His behavior doesn’t excuse mine.” My throat squeezes tightly, and I inhale a shuddering breath to ease it. “I told him I wasn’t into him this morning. Why did I do that? I regretted that stupid text I sent him. I knew it was cruel and immature. Why did I lie again?”

Her expression grows pained. “You were protecting yourself.”

She’s right. I resort to petty cruelty when I’m deeply afraid, but I can’t do that anymore.

This ends now.

I sit up straight, energy rushing through my body. “I need to start being honest. That means dropping out of the game. Admitting defeat.”

Serena is quiet for a moment. “Is that what you really want?”

“No. What I want is to prove to Tristan that I’m not hurt. I want to show up at the final ceremony wearing a spectacular dress and looking cool and aloof. I want to prove to him that he can’t break me, but that’s just my fear of rejection. I ~am~ hurt. It’s time to start showing the world what I really feel. I’m going to drop out of the game, and if anyone asks why, I’ll tell them Tristan broke my heart.”

I scramble off my bed and stumble over to my desk. “I’m emailing the administration office now. The news that I’ve dropped out will probably be all over campus by this evening.”

TRISTAN

As I walk through Amy’s dorm, the scent of heavy disinfectant floods my senses, making me more nauseous than I already am. She’s not going to be here. Somehow, I already know that. It’s as if I have a sixth sense for her proximity.

Her dorm room is open when I approach. Sure enough, her bed is empty. Her roommate is in the center of the room, pulling a sweatshirt over her head.

“Is Amy here?” I ask even though I know it’s futile.

Her roommate turns around, her eyes growing wary when she catches sight of me. “No.”

I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. “Any idea when she’ll be back?”

She shakes her head. “She’s staying with a friend. She said she’ll be gone a few days.”

“Thanks.” My voice sounds petulant even to my own ears.

I dial Serena’s number as I stride down the corridor, my fingers drumming a frantic beat against my thigh. Each ring torments me, stretching seconds into hours until finally—

“She needs some space for a little while,” Serena says immediately after answering. Though her voice is firm, there’s that same gentleness I heard that day I went to her dorm.

She pities me.

“Don’t show up here,” she says. “Not yet, at least. Please, Tristan.”

The phrase “not yet” makes hope flutter in my heart. “Will she eventually be ready to see me?”

“I think so,” Serena says, “but she needs time.”

I let out a long breath. “I can give her time. Tell her…” I shut my eyes. “Tell her I was an idiot for what I said this morning, and that I’ll wait. I’ll wait forever. She’s the only one for me.”

Serena is quiet for a long while, and my heart is a rapid thump against my chest. “I will,” she finally says.

When the line goes quiet, a fiery determination rushes through my veins.

I’m going to fix this.

But first, I have to figure out what the fuck is going on. Why she turned on me that night, which now feels like an eternity ago. I can’t talk to Serena, and no one else is close enough to Amy to know her secrets, except maybe—

Fuck, how could I have forgotten? The man I’ve been jealous of for years.

And I know where to find him.

Hours later, I’m sitting in class. The clock’s hands crawl like a glacier. Desperation has me bouncing my knee under the desk. Cody sits three rows ahead, oblivious to the storm brewing within me.

My attention is caught by the professor’s tone of voice. He’s wrapping up. Fuck yes, we’ll be out of here ten minutes early, which means I’m ten minutes closer to unraveling the mystery of Amy. As soon as Cody starts putting away his laptop, I make my way to his desk.

“Hey.” My voice echoes through the classroom.

He turns, eyebrows raised. “Um…hey?”

“Can we talk? It’s about Amy.”

A shadow of annoyance passes over Cody’s face. “I haven’t talked to her in weeks.”

I frown. It’s odd that they haven’t talked, as inseparable as they generally are, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t have the information I need. “I just need a few minutes of your time.”

He looks like he wants to roll his eyes. “Fine.”

As he walks out of the classroom, I follow close behind, not wanting to waste a second. “Amy’s mad at me about something. I don’t understand it. Things were going well with us, and then she suddenly turned on me. She won’t tell me why she’s upset.”

He groans. “Things were never going well between you.”

My skin ripples with alarm. “What do you mean?”

Cody flips around, pulling his backpack to his stomach as he leans against the concrete wall. “I shouldn’t tell you, but I honestly don’t give a fuck anymore. It was all so stupid and immature. If she hates me…” His jaw clenches. “Well, I’ll deal with it.”

My head is swimming. “What are you talking about?”

“Amy only stayed in the game to take you down. She thought you were planning to embarrass her.”

The world around me starts to buzz. “Take me down?” I blink hard. “Take me down how?”

His expression grows hard. “She wanted to show you that she didn’t think much of you.”

My head grows so heavy I nearly sway forward. This isn’t good. This isn’t good at all. Though I should have seen it coming. She made it clear from the very beginning of the game that she didn’t trust me.

“It was her revenge for the whole…fanfic thing.” Cody frowns. “But I don’t think… Are you okay?”

His words puncture my daze, and it only now occurs to me that I’m holding the wall for support.

“No, I’m not okay.” I press against the wall until I find my balance. After walking a small circle in the hall, my head is finally clear. “So this was her plan from the beginning? She never…she never changed her mind?”

He stares at me for a moment, looking pensive. “I think she—” He closes his mouth, as if thinking better of whatever he was about to reveal.

“Please,” I say. “I know you don’t like me. To be honest, I’ve always been kind of jealous of you.”

He scoffs. “You have no reason to be jealous of me. I’m firmly in the friend zone.” As if a thought occurs to him, he shoots me a questioning frown. “How long have you liked her?”

“Years.”

The truth of the small word makes something tight and twisted uncoil in my chest. There’s no use lying to myself anymore.

This isn’t a petty obsession. It never was.

It’s love.

I’ve been in love with her for years, and here she was planning to take me down. Anger wraps its way around my heart—hot and searing—but it’s gone in an instant, as if doused by cold water.

How can I be angry with her for playing games? I’ve been playing games with her for years. My weak attempts to pursue her by starting some stupid conversation would end the second she showed me the slightest disdain. My heart was too fragile to withstand it. I’d put my arrogant mask on and lash out at her. Make fun of her. Was that not my own petty form of revenge?

When I finally wanted her so badly that I could hardly breathe, I signed her up for the game. I lied and told her I wanted her to help me make Harper jealous just so I would have an excuse to touch her.

She never would have plotted to take me down if I hadn’t given her a reason to. I betrayed her. I shared one of her deepest secrets—allowed Harper to use it to humiliate her—all because I was too weak to suffer through her dislike of me.

But that dislike faded when she saw who I really am. She was starting to fall for me. I felt it in those precious moments with her when I was brave enough to take off my mask.

“I’m jealous of you too.” Cody’s voice yanks me out of my head, making me jump. “In fact,” he says. “I kind of hate you.”

I huff. “I always knew you liked her too, though you have no reason to be jealous of me. She may never even speak to me again.”

He scowls. “I only wish that were true. You don’t deserve her.”

“No,” I smile, a lightness lifting my body for the first time in days.

I finally have the truth, and it’s not as terrifying as the hazy specter of doubt that’s followed me since the moment she snuck out of my room.

She’s scared. She’s not a coward, but she is fearful because I proved myself unworthy of her. But I can take off my mask with her once and for all. I can show her I’m safe. That I’ve learned my lesson.

“Thank you for telling me the truth,” I say. “I feel like everything is starting to make sense.”

She never trusted me, but she couldn’t have faked some of those sweet and tender moments between us, like the night she told me that I’m one of the most interesting people she’s ever met.

Amy’s eyes are a canvas of her emotions. I know when she’s being sincere. I know when she’s guarding herself.

The night we slept together, she wore a mask too, and my love for her made me blind to it. Made me want to pretend that it wasn’t there when I should have recognized it immediately.

She and I are so similar. She’s my counterpart. Maybe that’s why being with her is like seeing the first rays of sunlight after a long, dark night.

How can I show her that she means the world to me? How can I prove that I’m safe?