Chapter 28: Chapter 28

TRISTAN

I walk back to the frat house in a daze. How can I take off my mask and crush it, ending these petty games once and for all?

I can tell her I’ve loved her since the moment I heard her voice for the first time. How I told myself over and over again that I was only a sappy teenager, but these last few weeks with her have taught me that I was only deluding myself.

She’s it for me. When I’m with her, the voices of doubt in my mind are hushed and the world lights up with infinite possibility.

If she knows the full truth, I’ll never be able to hide from her again. She’ll see my attempts to protect my weak, pathetic heart for what they really are.

A game.

But how can I get her to really hear me? How can I make her believe what I’m saying is the full truth?

I stop under an oak tree. Its brown and gold leaves fill me with images of Amy’s eyes. If I could get those eyes to drop the wall of indifference—to really listen—I might have a chance.

What if I humbled myself by admitting my most embarrassing secrets in front of the whole campus? The thought makes my skin grow hot and cold at the same time. How fucking humiliating to tell thousands of people that I turned down UCLA to follow Amy to Pacific Crest.

But is it worth it?

One hundred percent yes. It is.

I could write it all out, outlining every detail. Even the fact that I periodically go through her Instagram and save my favorite photos. I keep them in a private folder and look through them when my heart aches for her.

An almost hysterical laugh rises, but I stifle it in my throat. My God, I’m such a romantic sap.

I fish out my phone to pull up my notes app and I see an email notification. It’s from the director of the game, and the back of my neck prickles.

What is this about?

The first line is enough to make want to throw my phone.

~Amelia Harrington has withdrawn from the competition and will not be participating in the closing ceremony.~

“Fuck,” I shout, drawing the attention of a student walking along the path next to me.

What greater sign that she’s done with me? The closing ceremony is in two days. She was so close to winning that ten-grand scholarship. Then again, maybe she assumed I wouldn’t give it to her after all the nasty things I said to her this morning.

I’ll make sure she gets it. I’ll tell the director that either they offer the scholarship to Amy, or I won’t show up for the closing ceremony. All of the game’s biggest sponsors will be attending. There’s no way in hell they’ll risk me not being there.

And I’ll make my confession in front of thousands of people. I’ll explain to the whole campus why Amy is my pick and no one else.

I’ve loved her for years, and I’ll do anything to prove it to her. Even if it means humiliating myself—talking about these big, scary feelings—in front of the whole university.

I pull up my notes app with renewed determination. Time to start listing every embarrassing thing I’ve done for love of Amelia Harrington.

This might take a while.

AMY

I take a sip of tea, nerves prickling my skin. Cody invited me to the campus coffee shop because he has something to tell me. My first thought was that he’s going to confess that he has feelings for me, and my cowardly heart begged me to fob him off for a few days. To wait until the game is officially over. I’m too raw right now to deal with the pain of rejecting him.

But I couldn’t do it. Courage is a choice we make for the people we love. I owe this to Cody after years of behaving selfishly. I let him into my heart because he posed no threat to it.

He looks up from his coffee cup, his jaw hardening. “I told Tristan about your revenge plan.”

I jerk back, my head growing fuzzy. That’s the last thing I expected him to say, and strangely, it’s not as unsettling as it would have been a few weeks ago.

At least one of us is mature enough to tell the truth.

Tristan will probably be done with me for good after this. A stab pierces into my heart. It’s so intense I fight the urge to hunch forward. But don’t I deserve this pain? He finally knows the full extent of my cowardice.

This hurts, but it also allows me to breathe for the first time in days. I inhale deeply, and my shoulders relax as I release it through my lips.

Pain is a part of life. I can’t run from it anymore.

Cody’s eyes search my face. Is he surprised that I’m not angry?

“He cornered me after class, and I didn’t have the energy to lie. I know it wasn’t my secret to tell, but…” His shrug seems a little defiant. “It’s done. If you hate me, so be it.”

A smile rises to my lips, and Cody’s eyes grow wide. “You’re not pissed at me?” His tone is incredulous.

I rub the stain of lip gloss on the lid of my cup, smearing the tiny ridges. Serena applied the tinted shea butter right before I left as she scolded me for biting my chapped lips. I’ve been in such a fog the past twenty-four hours, and I probably look like hell.

I don’t even care that everyone can see what a mess I am. People have been staring ever since I left Serena’s dorm and walked over here, which was to be expected. The game announced that I dropped out on all their social media pages less than an hour after I sent the email.

Everyone can see that my life is falling apart, and I don’t care. I’m wearing my humiliation like a badge.

I’m being honest for the first time in my life.

“No, I’m not pissed at you,” I finally say. “It was all so…petty. You told me that from the very beginning.”

He frowns. “You didn’t give me permission to tell anyone. Especially not Tristan of all people. You should be pissed. I betrayed you.”

A laugh bursts from my chest, and it makes my limbs grow light. This is the first time I’ve laughed in days. “Are you trying to talk me into it?”

His expression softens. “Is everything okay? You’re not yourself.”

I let out a long sigh. “No, I’m not okay. I’m heartbroken. And for once, I’m wearing my feelings on my sleeve.” I smile mischievously. “Does it bother you? Do you miss snarky Amy?”

He shifts in his seat, looking a little unsettled. “Yes, I miss her. I’ve been missing you like crazy these past few weeks. I hate that you’re heartbroken.” His jaw clenches. “He doesn’t deserve it.”

“I don’t know. I think heartbreak is a sign of living a full life. People who are heartbroken are lucky, in a way, because it means they loved.”

He laughs humorlessly. “So you love Tristan?”

My stomach flips over. I didn’t mean to imply that I love Tristan. I was mostly just sorting out my new philosophy by talking through it. But this pain in my heart is undeniable. If Tristan were either a diabolical villain or a careless fuckboy, would I feel his loss this acutely?

“I don’t know,” I mutter, and Cody flinches as if I gave him a definite yes.

“You love him,” he says. “I saw it happening all along, and I…” His jaw clenches. “I couldn’t stand it.”

My stomach drops. The pain in his voice is unmistakable.

I refuse to hide from it. I reach across the table and set my hand on his arm. “There was always going to be someone, Cody. Maybe it won’t be Tristan, but it will be someone. You’re my dearest friend, but I don’t…”

My thoughts scatter like sparks in a campfire. How do I tell someone I love that I can never love him that way?

“You don’t have to say it.” He huffs, shaking his head. “I’ve known it for years. And yes, I always knew there would be someone.”

Tears hover behind my eyes. “And you… Can you learn to be okay with it?”

The silence that stretches between us is agonizing.

“I don’t know,” he finally says. “I’ll have to think about it. I still need…space.”

A tear falls, but I don’t brush it away. “You can take all the time you need.” My voice is choked. “I’ll be waiting.”

His eyes flash. “I can’t promise anything. We’ll probably never be as close as we used to be.”

Another tear falls. “I’ll take whatever I can get.”

And I mean it. Loving Cody the way he deserves means putting control in his hands. I’m giving him the power to hurt me, like I should have all along.

His smile is almost piteous. “What happened to you? If I told you I had feelings for you any time before now, you’d have been pissed at me. You’d probably have joked about it and said my feelings would go away instantly if we ever got together.”

He knows me well. Snarky, self-deprecating Amy probably would have brushed off his feelings, because she was too fragile to carry their weight. She was hiding, dismissing the hurdles of life because she wasn’t brave enough to look them in the eyes.

“You’re right,” I say. “I was selfish.”

His smile grows. “You were. But it didn’t make a difference. I still wanted things I shouldn’t…” He shuts his eyes for a moment. “I’ll miss you. I hope I can…work through this so we can be friends again.”

My heart squeezes in my chest. “I hope so too. I already miss you.

Cody leaves, and I sit there alone. More tears fall, and I force myself to let them hover on my cheeks and slowly drip to my lap. Several people in the coffee shop give me double takes. When the game began, I lost my anonymity on campus. Anyone who knows what’s going on with the game—and that’s most people—probably assume my tears are for Tristan.

It’s my penance.

I have to apologize to him. No more hiding.

Fuck, it’s going to be difficult. The heartache of today has reduced my once pristine and fiercely guarded heart into dust. How will I summon the energy to lay it at Tristan’s feet?

I reach into my purse and find my phone. After clicking on Tristan’s name, I write out a text and press send before I get the chance to change my mind.