Okay, so first of all, I owe you guys an apology. At the time I was writing this I was going through some stuff and I wrote the book as a way to process how to put back together a relationship where everything is gone, and how, in most cases, you just can't and no matter how painful it is, you have to move on.
It's been a tough few months but I just couldn't bring myself to write an ending and because this is the turning point of the book, I just couldn't figure out how to best serve it. So instead of giving you a dump ass story of people moving on or people getting back together just because, I needed something else. Which is why I stopped writing. However, I think I know how to finish it now. That's the one thing you can always count on. I ALWAYS FINISH MY BOOKS. So, from now on, it's back to writing for me.
I'm really sorry it took this long, I never wanted to disappoint you guys, but I really needed this time to think on what I believe in, and what I want for this book to actually convey. So here it is. Hope you guys enjoy. Thanks!
Diary Entry #156
I landed today. I feel horrible, to be honest. Whatever psychological blockage I had imposed on myself to stop my mind from recognizing and establishing a connection with my heart... it's gone. I cry almost everyday. I suffer for our loss, I suffer for my loss, I suffer for the mistakes I've made.
When I got out of the cab that stopped right in front of the house I had spent the last eight years in, it felt different. Lifeless, somehow. Like the light blue of the walls had become paler and dimmer at the same time. It was too quiet, it was empty. I grabbed the ninth rock to the side, opened it up and grabbed the spare key.
When I opened the door, I swallowed a mouthful of dust that made me cough. No one had been here in almost six months and I hadn't set foot on it in almost eight. I walked inside noticing immediately, that she had put our pictures away. None of our happy memories were anywhere. Not hanging from the walls, not on top of the chimney or in that ridiculously expensive glass shelf that I hated. The fridge door had no vacation pictures, or post-it notes about how we needed milk, and pancake mix, and for me not to forget to clean up the garage.
First thing I did was open the fridge. I found three things: ice, a six pack of beer, and a tuna can. I closed the fridge door, back up and turned around. Yes, this is not a home anymore. It's gone.
I grabbed my backpack and went upstairs, I stood in front of the door leading to the room that broke us. I reached out for the knob while my whole body started to shake. I felt cold sweat running down my back, my heart beating faster. I pulled away, as the door knob was incredibly hot and I had now just realized, and kept walking towards out room.
There wasn't much inside. The mattress didn't have sheets or a duvet on it, the closet was empty and many of her shoes were gone. The bathroom had no toiletries and it smelled like cement and humidity. The one thing I did find, was that silly Magnus Chase book that they both loved so much on top of the nightstand.
I smiled, picked up the book and sat on the bare mattress with my back against the bed header. I opened the book from the beginning and started reading it. After almost two hours I couldn't remember why I hated the book. It was good, the main character uses comedy a lot to not deal with emotions and difficult circumstances and the whole Norse mythology does add a lot. Why didn't I like it?
I put it down and started to unpack. It felt weird to have the whole bedroom for myself, and it was even worse with the house, so I knew what I needed to do next. I took a shower, put civilian clothes on and walked the few blocks back to my parents.
My mother opened the door and yelled "Oh, dear God! Riley! I thought you were gonna land tomorrow." before hugging me.
"Yeah, my flight was early. Where's dad?"
"He's taking Chester for a walk."
Mom and I sat down and talked for a while. She avoided having any kind of conversation that could make things awkward, so she just asked me how I was, how it'd been, how long I was staying.
"For good," I said. "I'm not going back. Whatever it was I was looking for... I didn't find it there."
She remained quiet for a while. I thought she'd be happy, but she looked at me with doubting eyes. She looked at me the same way she used to when I was a kid and I lied about eating all the Chips Ajoy.
"What?" I asked.
"Does Faye know?"
Well, bye-bye non-awkward conversation. You lasted an impressive twelve minutes. "I haven't spoken to her. She... asked for the divorce a few weeks ago."
Then I got another response that I wasn't expecting from my own mother. "Good for her."
I was taken aback. "... Sorry?"
"I said, good for her. It means she's ready to move on."
"Mom, she's my wife."
"Whom you left, like you didn't care about her." she stopped for a moment, almost afraid to ask, "Do you care?"
"Of course I do," I said not believing what I was hearing. "Why would you say that?"
Her voice was soft, but firm. "You weren't here, Riley. You didn't watch that girl, whom I love like a daughter crumble to piece. She lost everything. We all lost so much when... " she couldn't finish the sentence, so she proceeded. "Sometimes I feel your father grieved more than me, but we supported each other... Barbara had Richard, Connor had Sheila. We faced that heart break as a family, but on top on that, Faye had to deal with her wife leaving her when she needed you the most. So yes, I am happy that Faye doesn't need you anymore."
"I..." I lowered my head and replied, "I know. I'm sorry."
"Promise me something." she said and looked deep into my eyes. "Do not go after her."
"What makes you think I even want-"
"Because you're my daughter and I know you," she interrupted me. "If you didn't find whatever it was that you thought you'd get by re-enlisting, you're now gonna try to find it in the place you should've looked in since the beginning. You're gonna want for Faye to put you back together, like she always does. Like the three times you tried to commit suicide, like your miscarriage five years ago, and it's what you want now. But that girl is finally doing okay."
"Yeah, she's even dating."
"And more than that, she's smiling again, she's enjoying her life again. For once, think of her, instead of yourself."
"I always think of her! Yes, I screwed up but... I didn't know what to do. This shouldn't have happened, to any of us! Why are you telling me this? Who's side are you on?"
"This is not a picking of sides, honey. I'm trying to be honest. After everything the both of you went through, you two deserve some happiness. I just don't think you'll find it with each other anymore. Faye is happy again, and ruining it so that you can get back together with someone you rejected... that is very selfish, Riley."
"I didn't reject her."
"Then where were you when she needed you? When we all needed you? When Faye had to start going to therapy? Did you know that? She was diagnosed with depression. Just like you."
"Faye has..."
My mother nodded. "Clinical depression and anxiety. Yes. It was her therapist's idea to leave and go to New York, a place where you had no hold on her. Where nothing bad had happened. Give her space to process things. Meet new people, start something that didn't remind her of you."
"You think I'm her trigger."
"I know you are."
I remained quiet for a couple of seconds, then said, "No."
She frowned. "Sorry?"
"I can't promise that. I love her, mom."
"If you really love her, be happy she's happy, and let her stay happy."
My dad walked in with Chester who immediately ran towards me and started licking me. I thought he'd pee himself for a moment. My dad had a very similar attitude to my mom. He was happy to see me, but he was also acting a bit distant. Like he was angry but he didn't want to be. I grabbed Chester's things, his bowls, his toys, his clothes (yes, Faye and I were the kind of people that buy hoodies for our dog), and took him with me. It felt nice to have at least one person who was genuinely happy to see me. Well... one dog.
We went home and Chester started sniffing everything. Either he had forgotten that this was his house, or he was getting reacquainted with it. He peed on the carpet.
"Damn it, Chester! You haven't peed on the carpet since you were a pup, what the hell?"
If I really think about it, I think he was saying 'Well, this is my version of being angry at you for leaving'. I sighed and cleaned it up.
The next day I went to Erick's. I walked up the stairs to the apartment and knocked on the door. No one answered. I knocked again and heard a "In a minute!"
I took a step back and waited. A few seconds later, my brother opened the door. He was shirtless and wearing shorts. Skinny as always but he had gained some weight. He also looked a lot more healthy if that's a thing.
"Ry?" We stared at each other for a moment before he threw his arms around me and kissed me on the cheek. "Come on in, come on in. Sorry, Sheila is in the bedroom."
"Yeah, I imagined as much."
We sat on the couch. The last time I saw by baby brother, I punched him in the face for no reason other than I was angry at everything and everyone and he just happened to be in my way trying to stop me from doing something stupid that I still ended up doing. But still, he didn't look like mom and dad. He seemed so happy to see me, like nothing had happened between us.
"How are,? When did you get back? Why didn't you call me?"
"Yesterday. Honestly I didn't you'd want to talk to me."
He shook it off "Meh. Water under the bridge."
Connor looked happier than I had ever seen him before. I knew he'd forgive me. We always forgive each other for whatever stupid shit we do to each other. After all, we're the only siblings we have. But this was different. There was something else. Then, Sheila came out of the bedroom. Completely dressed and ready to go to work, and I noticed. She was wearing a ring. The dipshit finally asked her.
Sheila hugged me and then apologized since she was late for work. It was a silly joke since she works... well, with us. That's how they met. Sheila came into the bookstore a few years ago looking for work and as soon as he saw her Connor was gone to world.
After Sheila left, I asked "You finally asked her."
"I did, and she said yes. Your baby brother is getting married."
"Congrats. bro. You two deserve all the happiness in the world."
"Thanks. I just, I never thought I'd get married so young."
"Dude, you're twenty-nine years old."
"Exactly. I thought I'd be thinking about marriage on my mid thirties but... Sheila is it. I know it."
"Good for you."
"Have you spoken to mom and dad." I sighed. "Yeah. Don't get me wrong I'm still angry at you, but I just can't help it, dude. I'm getting married! So screw it. I can forgive you for whatever. I need you to be my best woman."
I laughed at that. "Sure thing, bro... Connor, listen, I-"
"I know. Look, if it had been another situations, nine months wouldn't be enough for me to forgive you. But I don't even want to imagine what it most've been for you. It hit everyone really hard, but... you and Faye, it broke you guys. You seem a bit more calmed though so that's good."
"I am. I'm not over it of course. I don't think I'll really be over it, but I am more calmed."
"Have you spoken to Faye?"
"Why does everyone keep asking that?"
"Why do you think?"
I shook my head. It was so difficult to do this. "I miss her, dude. I don't know what to do."
"What do you mean? You get her back."
"I don't know if I want to do that. She seems to be doing so well and I'm so confused."
"You're not confused, you're afraid. You're fighting with yourself. I know you, better than anyone, and you didn't come back because whatever whatever the army. You came back for her. If you were to stop fighting your own feelings, you would see that what you need to do is really simple."
"She's dating someone else. I don't think she loves me anymore."
"Yeah, I know. I've seen her Instagram. And yeah, maybe she doesn't. So what? It doesn't matter. You owe her and yourself to give it a try. To fight back. If she doesn't want to take you back then fine, but not fighting for the love of your life... dude that's the kind of shit you regret in your deathbed."
Connor gave me a lot to think about. After I left him to clean up his apartment a little and then go to work to help Sheila, I walked all three miles to the cemetery. I bought two bouquet of flowers and a Hot Wheels car. I made my first stop and placed the first bouquet on top of the gravestone.
"Hey, Erick. It's been a long time. I'm sorry I haven't been around to visit you. I know what I promised, I know I messed up and I'm sorry. I... 'I didn't know what to do' needs to stop being my catch phrase. What's done it's done and I can't take it back but I just wanted you to know that I'm so sorry, dad."
I stayed there in complete silent for a few minutes, then I said goodbye and went to my next stop. The grave was in the kids section. The 'Angels' section of the cemetery. Once I found the grave I wanted to, my legs began to shake. I sat down on the dirt and place the Hot Wheels car on top of the gravestone. There's so much pain in so a little gravestone.
Lake Burton-Brenan
Beloved daughter
I ran my fingers through the encryption rewriting her name in my thoughts.
"Hi, bunny. Mommy is back. I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a while. When you left, you took a lot of me with you. I've been away for a while but I'm back, and I'm not leaving you again, okay? I messed up. I made your mom cry. She's really angry with me and I don't know what to do, but I will figure it out. I will make things right. I promise you."