I didn't go home immediately. I needed to say goodbye to some things and I also needed time to recover from my breakup with Ellen Dumont. I wasn't in love and my heart didn't break, but this was still someone I had cared about. Ellen did try; she kept calling and asking to talk but the more we talked the clearer it became that we'd only end up fighting, so soon I stopped picking up her calls all together. She wasn't taking it well. Not in the sense of look how crazy she's for me. More in the sense of I don't think Ellen's ever been dumped before and her ego was bruised.
Scott did leave at the end of the month. I stayed until the end of October. I wasn't ready to go back, but then I got an email. Connor and Sheila picked a date for the wedding. November 6, which meant I had to go home. Before going back, I bought myself my dream car, a brand new Acura MDX, and rode all the way from New York, to Oregon.
Being back home felt strange. Not many things had changed but it felt different to me somehow. The first couple of days I felt bad. Like I had made a mistake. There were so many bad memories here. Lenberg is a small town which means if you and your family lived close to each other, everyone in the neighborhood knew you, and you knew everyone.
The bakery where we bought bread every morning, the park that Chester loved going to for a walk, the coal museum we went to that weird day we didn't know what to do for a date, the Mexican restaurant she loves with the owners who know us by name, even the church her dad goes to and neither of us are believers. Everything felt so ours, which meant nothing felt mine. I didn't fit anymore, but you see, that's where the people who love you come in and make things better. My mother insisted I stayed with her and Richard, at least until I could find a new place. I ended up moving into a hotel after three days because I didn't want to bother them, but they made me feel so welcomed, so comfortable all the time. Mike and Louise invited me to hang out one afternoon. Even Connor couldn't hide how happy he was to see me, when I showed up at the book store. And little by little, it became home again; home, even if I didn't share it with Riley.
But it kept nagging at me. People ignored it, of course. They didn't say her name, they pretended as best they could she didn't exist to keep themselves as impartial as they could. But that didn't mean she wasn't there. Not talking about her wasn't going to erase her from existence, life made sure I was acutely aware of that when I was driving back to my hotel about a week after coming back. I had to stop at a red light. I sighed and looked left, and there she was. Chester followed her around obediently, while she seemed to be consumed by her own thoughts. I thanked God I had bought a new car and she didn't recognize it. I still ducked, though, and waited for her to cross the street and for the red light to turn green.
For a split moment, Chester stopped crossing the street while Riley kept walking forward. I swear to you, on everything holy and pure, that freaking dog turned around and looked straight at me. His big blue Huskey eyes fixed... on me. I panicked for a moment, until Riley turned to him, whistled and called, "Come on, boy."
Chester looked away immediately and ran towards her. They both disappeared down the street. The light turned green. The car behind me had to honk at me because it took me a moment to recover from that. She was probably walking him, or doing some kind of errand and took him with her. She always did that. She took Chester everywhere she went.
Before I noticed I had done something really stupid. I parked in front of my hotel not knowing why I wasn't going inside. I stayed there for about twenty minutes before putting the car in gear and driving back.
I parked across the street, far enough away so that she wouldn't see me by accident and just... waited. For what, I'm not sure. But watching that big, blue house made me feel calmed, it made me feel things I didn't know I wasn't feeling until I looked at it, and remembered. My chest filled with something warm, soft.
I stayed in front of the house for another thirty minutes until I was ready to go back to the hotel.
The next day, I just did the same thing. That house, what it meant, the possibility of what it could mean again. It made me something I hadn't been in a long time; hopeful.
On the third day of parking outside the house for twenty or thirty minutes, I watched Riley open the door, walk up to the sideway, place the trash on the large green trash can, -separating it, because she always recycles- and I felt so nostalgic. It's such a stupid thing. Taking out the trash, it's so stupid, but it's the thing you do when you have a home. You walk your dog when you have a home, you pay your bills when you have a home, you take your wife out for dinner, when you have a home.
And it dawned on me. I miss my home. I've always hated taking out the trash, but goddamn it, I'll do it a hundred times if it means I get to sleep in my bed, under my covers, watching something dumb like Wheel of Fortune, or Family Feud, or whatever new baking show Netflix just came up with. And more than anything, I miss being cold at night, and having my wife cuddle me and ask if I want for her to bring me another blanket. The furry one. Always the furry one. It's the most comfortable, and the warmest. She'd bring the blanket for me, lie down next to me and then press me to her chest and nothing bad would ever happen, because she was there.
I started crying in my car, like a little baby who just realized what she's lost. Or, more accurately, what was taken away from her. Taken by the same person who swore she'd give it to me. I hated her for that. And I loved her for it.
You see, it's so easy to focus on the negatives after a break up. She was mean, and cruel, and horrible, and didn't care for me, and left me alone, and I always had to put her first, and take care of her needs, and her well being... But then you remember, it wasn't always bad. Hell, most of the times it wasn't bad. Most of the times, she made me so happy. I felt so lucky to be missing all those things, to be crying for having lost them, to have all those wonderful memories that now caused me so much pain because it meant I had so much. I was so lucky to have had so much for so long.
She gave me so much for so long. I had the home I dreamed of since I was a little girl for almost eight years. Some people never even get there. And that anger, that resentment, turned into gratitude.
And just like that, I remember how much I loved her. I never stopped. But the thing is, loving someone and wanting to be with them are two very different things. Riley broke an oath of trust. Which meant I couldn't come back just like that. She broke something between us that took us years to build, and rebuild, and strengthen.
Everything is so fragile.
I turned on the engine and got ready to drive off when I saw a deliver man park in front of our house. He came out of the car with a pizza and rang the bell. Riley walked out a few minutes later, gave him some money, and probably told him to keep the rest, cause the guy looked happy and didn't try to find change. Riley took the pizza, and closed the door.
* * * *
"Don't you understand what this mean?" I yelled at Scott.
He calmly grabbed his coffee, took a sip and then asked, "Not really. Do you wanna explain it to me?"
"What's Riley favorite type of food?"
"She's a burger girl."
"Then why didn't she ask for a burger?"
"I don't know. Maybe she's had burger before this week. Maybe she wanted a pizza for a change."
"Right? That's what I thought, too. But she ordered a Caprese pizza."
"Wait, how the hell do you know that?"
"Uhm. Well... I mean..."
"Faye?"
"Fine! I gave the guy a twenty to tell me what she ordered. Tommy is a nice kid, he won't tell her I asked."
"Oh, God. You've gone full-on psycho girlfriend."
"You're not listening to me!"
"What?"
"She asked for a Caprese pizza!"
"So?"
"Riley doesn't eat tomatoes! Anything that has sliced tomatoes, she'd always give me the tomatoes. Even burgers!"
Scott opened his mouth, then shut it back up understand what I meant. He finally said, "Let's not jump to conclusions."
"She's seeing someone!"
"You don't know that."
"But you do! She must've told you something."
"She hasn't said anything to me, that's why I'm telling you. She's not seeing anyone."
"She could be hiding it from people."
"Oh, my God. You've gone insane. Faye, listen to me. Riley is not dating. And honestly, even if she was, what's you deal? You stayed in New York to date a control freak."
"I wasn't the one who promised to wait!"
I knew how I was acting. Insane. He was right. But Jesus, I was so not ready to find out that Riley had found someone new in less than two months and was taking her to our house. Oh, no, baby, that was not gonna fly. If she was seeing someone, taking her to our house, maybe even kissing and, ugh, God. She was going to hear me out.
Scott did very little to calm me down. Mostly, because I was convinced he was lying. They've done it since they were children. He lies for her, she lies for him. You know, friendship. But if that traitor wasn't going to tell me if my still-wife was seeing someone else, I was definitely gonna find out on my own, and if I see that woman in my home, there will be blood! So I did what a crazy ass woman does when she feels threatened. Act before thinking making everything worse for myself.
I showed up at our house.
I rang the bell so filled with anger that I didn't even know if it was justified. I didn't have time to think about what I was going to say, what I was going to do, or how I was feeling. I was just reacting.
In case you haven't noticed by now, I have a bit of a jealousy problem. The thing is, Riley has always been a looker. I've personally always believed she was out of my league, but in my defense, I believe she's out of anyone's league. She's tall, has the face of an angel, and there's something so soft and genuine about the way she treats people that people just fall for her. I mean, how could they not... but keep you fucking distance!
Before I could keep wandering inside my own head, the door open and there she was. Riley, wearing joggers and a hoody.
"Faye?" she said, just as confused of seeing me as I was with every action I was taking.
"Hi. Can I come in?"
She smiled. "It's your home," making me feel silly.
I was trying to respect a boundary that wasn't there. She wasn't like me. She wasn't trying to act or be distant. She wasn't trying to push me away. She kept trying to pull me closer by simply letting the door back to her heart open.
I entered the house and looked around. I hadn't set foot in this place in over eight months.
Not much had changed. The same pictures, on top of the same chimney. The same furniture against the same wall, the same books in the same shelves. It felt so fulfilling to find this place looking so... familiar.
Riley took the time to walk up to the fridge, get a can of soda and offer it to me. "Dr. Pepper," she said, knowing it was my favorite.
I smiled. "Thanks."
When I turned to the kitchen, there was a big pizza box leaned against the trash can. This is my chance, figure out who the bitch is and murder her. "You ordered pizza?" I asked.
She turned towards the empty pizza box and then back to me. "Oh, yeah. I even ordered a Caprese."
That took me by surprise. I was half expecting she'd lie about it to hide the lover that I had all but created inside my head. "But you don't eat tomatoes." I stated the obvious.
Riley walked back to the kitchen and opened the fridge. The pizza was there, cut in slices and saved in Tupperware. She pulled a few slices out and warmed them inside the toaster oven. While the pizza slices warmed up, she turned to me with a playful grin, and leaned against the kitchen counter with her arms crossed. Then I understood everything.
"Oh, goddamn it." I said, "When did you notice?"
"That a weird, high end car I've never seen before kept been parked outside my house? Don't know. Three days ago? Caprese is still your favorite right?"
I looked away angrily, "Yeah."
Her smile grew wider. "Why are you so angry? Did you want me to go out and talk to you? Cause I'll totally do that."
"No, that's not it."
"Then what is it?"
The toaster oven made a sound to let us know the pizza was now hot. Riley placed the slices on plates and we sat down on the couch. She stared at her plate for a moment before I smiled at her and said, "Oh, gimme." I grabbed her tomatoes, which seemed to make her a lot happier than I thought she'd be. She really doesn't like tomatoes.
"So what pissed you off?" she asked grabbing a bite.
I sighed, knowing I had to tell her. "When I noticed you had ordered a Caprese pizza, I thought you had someone."
She frowned. "How the hell did you-" she stopped and then added. " Goddamn it, Tommy. He'll sell his own mother for a good tip."
"That he will."
"So... you were jealous?"
"Not about you," I said. Like a little girl who doesn't want to admit to her crush she has a crush.
Riley wasn't buying it, so she laughed and asked, "Okay, then about what?"
"Well, the house! Obviously."
"Right."
"Yeah! I wasn't about to let you bring a woman into our house!"
She laughed. "Oh, come on! You know I would never do something that disrespectful."
"Well, lately you've done a bunch of things I never thought you would ever do."
She didn't take the hit. "Fair enough." after that, her voice dropped. It became soft and deep. "But I said I'd wait. I meant it."
Riley reached out slowly. The same way she kissed me the first time. She always tried to make sure she wasn't making me uncomfortable. Slowly, she placed her index finger in my hand, as if asking for permission to take it.
Permission denied. I jumped back and became rigid. "Please, don't touch me."
"Sorry, sorry! My bad. I didn't mean to make you feel awkward."
"It's okay, it's just... I'm not ready to be close to you again. Or to have any kind of meaningful conversation. I'm not ready yet."
"That's okay, we can just... eat."
And that's what we did. We sat in silence, and we ate. And as weird as it sounds... it felt comfortable.