On Thursday, everyone packed their bags. On Friday, two days before the wedding, we drove to the venue where we'd spend the weekend. Connor and Sheila were getting married in a resort only two hours away by car. It was a nice lodge that they found online and fell in love with immediately. It had plenty of pools, a golf course, a tennis court, a beautiful artificial lagoon, and a gigantic bungalow that would be decorated to celebrate the wedding on Saturday afternoon.
To be honest, I felt a little jealous. Riley and I didn't get to do this when we got married. We just went to a notary and signed papers. It was not what I wanted but it was what we could do at the time. We always talked about having an honest to goodness wedding, but life kept getting in the way. We never found the time, and those plans just faded away little by little.
But I was happy for Sheila and Connor. Especially because up until three years ago, I didn't believe Connor would ever be the kind to get married. It's not like he's a playboy, it's quite the opposite. Connor never showed a lot of interest in being in a couple. He had dated three women in his teenage years and all of those relationships weren't exactly great, so I guess he lost hope. He focused on other things. Mostly getting his life back on track. But then, years and years later, this nice, shy girl, with a passionate love for books and a fresh out of college degree on Library Science, came into our store after reading about a job opening online.
Honestly, she was overqualified for the job, but it was her first real job after all and she needed the experience. But Sheila never left. She became close with Riley and I and started dating Connor and before we knew it, she was part of the family. Something that mean a lot to all of us since Sheila didn't really have a good relationship with hers. For what I understand, only her mother and younger sister came to the wedding.
Connor and Sheila rode on a limousine all the way to the Long Gate Resort. Scott rode with Mike, Louise, and their daughter Emily. Because I had the MDX, which is a very spacious car, I was supposed to ride with my mom, Richard, and Sheila's family. At that moment, only her sister had RSVPed, but the mom showed up last minute, so it felt uncomfortable for all of us to be in the truck. Instead, Sheila's family travelled with the Brenans so that both family's could get to know each other better... and Riley travelled with us.
It didn't make sense to me. I thought Riley was the one driving, but she came to my car's window to tell us that Sheila's mom had just showed up, and that she'd be the one travelling with us. She said she wasn't driving because her arm had been 'giving her problems'. My first instinct was to ask 'Have you been taking your meds? Doing your exercises? Have you been sleeping well?' But no. It was not my problem anymore.
The Brenans left and as if to annoy me, my mother told Riley she could ride shotgun with me, since she'd feel more comfortable on the back with Richard. Riley looked at me asking for my permission to get on the copilot seat. What else could I do?
"Yeah, sure," I said.
She smiled, picked up her duffle bag from the floor and threw it in the back. While I was driving, my mother and Richard kept talking amongst themselves about how beautiful the landscapes were around this parts, especially in the middle of fall.
I caught a brief glance of Riley who just looked out the window. She had her airpods on and was probably just listening to music while staring at the scenery, which was, in all honestly, breathtaking. The trees to both sides of the car, the leaves turning red and falling off, getting ready for winter. I kept my eyes on the rode for another ten minutes, when I turned to see Riley again, she pulled her phone out, probably to change the song, and I had a clear look at her hands and noticed something I hadn't even thought about before.
She still wore her wedding band.
You wanna know something funny? They're not even gold. Our wedding bands are silver. They were the first two rings we could find for our rushed up wedding. We always said we'd change them. Get some white gold, or red gold ones or something like that. But we also never did that. There were so many things that we should've done and never did.
I reached inside my pocket to touch my wallet. I put the ring there the first day I was in New York. I remember it was such a big deal for me when I took it off. If you've never been married it's difficult to explain what it feels like to take off your ring. You're so used to using this one piece of jewelry... A jewelry that has such a deep meaning to you. You wash your hands, it's there. You take a shower, it's there. You cook, it's there, you're doing anything and the ring it's always there. And if by any chance you happen to not be wearing it, it's gonna be its own kind of fight.
When you take off the ring, it almost feels like you're amputating a small part of you. Which made me laugh because I remembered something. Riley turned to me surprise to hear me laughing.
Her eyes narrowed "What?" She asked. It must've been weird seeing me watching her and then burst out laughing.
"Nothing. I just noticed you still wear your wedding ring."
She looked at her fingered and still not getting it said, "Right, and that's funny cause..."
"That's not what I'm laughing at."
She smiled "Okay?"
"I just remembered that time I almost forgot my wedding band on-"
"Oh, my God! In the Hotel's bathroom! Back in Panama City!" She interrupting me, laughing too.
"Yeah! That was so mean of you! I really thought I lost it." She just kept laughing. "You're a dick!"
"Me? You're the one who forgot her ring after washing her hands! If I hadn't noticed and picked it up you would've actually lost it."
"Yeah, but you didn't have to act like you didn't have it. I went insane. Even the Hotel manager got involved!"
"That was just objectively funny."
"The horror I felt when no one had turned it in. I thought I was the worst person it the world! Why would you do that!?"
"That taught you not to lose your freaking ring! If you think about it, I was doing God's work."
Without thinking I looked on the rearview mirror and caught my mom smiling at us. She quickly looked away.
This was the reason Ellen would've never gotten what she wanted. Even if I were to never get back together with Riley, we can't not be friends. We can't not be a part of each other's lives. There's too much love and trust between us. Friendship is a very powerful bond and above everything else, we had always been each other's best friend. I was not about to lose that for a girl. No matter how attractive that girl was. Deep down I knew that. I knew that eventually, I had to at least create a relationship in which Riley and I both, were okay being in the same space.
When we stopped laughing I asked, "Can you really not drive?"
She smiled "No."
"You can drive?"
"Yes."
"Then why did you-" well, that was a stupid question right? I stopped myself and her smile widened.
"I was not missing the chance to ride on this car." She said pretending she was impressed by the board and the console and all the buttons. "This looks like what you imagine the inside of a plane's cockpit looks like."
"It regulates the climate automatically," I said.
"What the hell does that even mean?"
"It means the air conditioner adjusts itself. The car keeps itself in a perfect constant temperature that is cool and comfortable."
"Jesus," she started to move around and read all the buttons and check all the nooks and crannies.
She looked like a kid inside candy land. She's always liked cars. I mean, her first car was an old pimped Honda Civic. 1994, I think. She painted it metallic blue, upholstered the seats to a dark black in real leather, and fixed the engine, the breaks, the suspension. She always bragged about how much money and effort she'd put into it every time she'd pick me up. It was right after college, before she left. I think she ended up selling the car for almost three times what she paid before she left.
Finally, Riley found a button in my truck she could press that she was convinced wouldn't cause the apocalypse. "What does this do?" Before I could answer the question, she pressed it and in a matter of seconds, she turned to me with a relaxed smile. "Oh, yeah, that's the spot."
"Yeah, that's the ventilation for the seats."
"Oh, my God! This is the most amazing creation in the history of human kind!"
She leaned back and enjoyed the ventilation. Riley is one of those people who really likes the cold, but since most people don't tolerate it well, she always has to deal with it being too warm for her. Now it didn't matter if we had the AC on or not, she could just cool down her own seat.
She looked so happy with her cold seat I couldn't help but smile at that.
I really appreciated the fact that she was leaving me alone and not pushing me to have the conversation on whether or not we'd get a divorce. Yes, it's a maybe. I've said it before, being married it's not the same as dating. A divorce is a complete ending, it's absolute. If you break up with your girlfriend, you can always make up or have time to process the breakup, and the ending doesn't feel as overwhelming as a divorce. Even if you lived together, it won't be the same. The bank account, the properties, the businesses, the fact that you have to stand in front of each other with lawyers, and act like the most important thing about the divorce is how money will be split. There's something psychological about signing papers that say you don't want to share a life anymore.
I needed time to think, but mostly, to feel my feelings for Riley again. To make a decision in which my mind and heart could agree on. And she was giving me that time and I understood how big that was for her. Especially because she suffers from anxiety. It can't be easy to be hanging on the verge of the divorce and having placed that decision completely onto someone else. I mean whatever happens will be exactly what I decide, because she already made her feelings clear. I mean, as much as Riley makes anything clear. Just waiting for a decision to be made is a nightmare for someone with anxiety. Their brain makes them feel like if it doesn't get solved immediately, then it never will. Their heart pumps faster, their chest feels tighter, their hands tremble. They can make a really dumb decision for the sake of not waiting anymore, like ending a relationship that could perfectly work just so that they don't have to wait.
She was like that, and I had to learn to understand that this was just her inability to process certain things the way other people do. And after Lake... was gone, I knew what it felt like. To have an anxiety attack. To not being able to handle the wait. The wait to feel better, the wait to process, the wait to just... be okay.
But Riley was not doing that. She was waiting, patiently. I couldn't understand why, though. She had never been able to. Even when we fought, she needed to fix things right away. Whenever I needed space to calm down, or think things through, she had to leave the house. She couldn't stay without making the fight worse. She wouldn't be able to just give me space. She became fidgety. So she'd grab her jacket and walk. Sometimes to Connor's. Talking things with her brother always seemed to calm her down. In a lot of cases anxiety also means catastrophizing. She'd always believed that the worse thing that could possibly happen, would be the thing that most definitely would. Connor pulled her out of that pit. Whatever fight we had, she'd think I'd leave her, for good this time. Of course, to me, I was never going to. We had a fight, big deal. I just needed a moment to remove myself from the situation, think on what it was that I really wanted to say so that I could communicate better, and then we'd solve the issue.
But she was calmed. She wasn't awkward, or fidgety. It was like she was okay no matter what I chose. I didn't know if that was a good or a bad sign.
We arrived at the resort a little past 1 PM. Just in time for check in. Everyone picked up their keys and headed for their rooms to relax for a while, or change to explore some of what the resort had to offer. Of course, Riley and I got different rooms, which was a first. We weren't even on the same floor and I didn't see her for the next two hours. I assumed she'd stayed on the room. I took a walk through the whole place, or at least what as far as I could. It was gigantic and I didn't really think I was in the kind of physical shape that allows you to walk through a place like this in two hours. It did give me time to think though. Looking at the sky, without noises, sounds. I was alone with myself just walking around and that gave me the clarity I needed. I was ready to talk. Ready-ish.
When I came back to the lodge, I walked towards the bar and saw Riley sitting on the tables by the corner. She was reading a book so she didn't notice me. I took a deep breathe and... did nothing. I thought I was ready to have the conversation but when I ordered my legs to walk towards her, they just wouldn't. I cursed at myself under my breathe and walked towards the bartender, leaning my elbows on the counter.
"Hey! What's you name?" I asked.
"Hello," replied the boy, couldn't be older than twenty four. "Uh, Seamus, ma'am."
"Miss, I'm not that old. And nice to meet you, Seamus. I'm Faye Burton-Brenan. I'm the groom's sister in law, and as of this moment, it is your job to make me happy."
"I don't know what you mean."
I pulled out two bills of a hundred dollars each and placed them in front of him. "You see the attractive woman sitting over there? The one with the book?" Seamus looked at Riley, then at me. "Well, that's my wife. We're having gigantic issues, and we need to talk about them, but I need a little help. And by a little I do mean a lot."
"Ok, got it."
"Give me the strongest shot you've got."
He grabbed the bills and said, "A Silver Bullet coming right up."
He did his magic behind the counter and gave me a shot glass with a golden whitish look to it. I stared at it for a second, smelled it, and then said, "Imma need two more of those."
"You sure about that, miss. I mean-"
"Remember the thing I said about making me happy?"
"Two more, then!"
He placed the three shots in front of me and I chugged them, one after the other like I was a teenager. Spoiler alert, I'm not. Don't do that. Past your thirties, you body starts complaining about alcohol. A lot. I knew it had been a mistake, but because the effects hadn't kicked in, I thought I could handle it. It was just three shots. Three very strong shots. I drank a little bit of beer to pass the taste and then stood up, turned to Riley and started walking towards her.
That's the last thing I remember.