When I woke up, my head was killing me. Everything around me felt like a blur and my mouth tasted sour. My back hurt, the way it hurts when you're a kid and you fell down a tree, or off your bike. It took me a moment to focus and realize I was in my own Hotel room, in my own bed. I looked around and saw Riley getting up from the chair in the corner of the room.
"You're awake " she said, "How you feel?"
"Like crap. What the hell happened?"
"I found you in the bar last night. You were in the middle of a fight with the bartender. I don't even think she's part of the wedding or anything but you seemed very offended."
Wait, last night? Fighting? What? No, no. I was in the bar about to go talk to her in the afternoon. 2 or 3 PM tops.
"Wait, what? A fight?"
She smiled. "I know right! I've never seen you fight before. You're Miss Bossy-pants-do-what-I-say-before-I-make-you. But you've never actually tried to fight someone. That's my deal. It was really fun to watch."
The bartender?
"Oh, no. What time was that?"
She shrugged. "Like, ten or eleven. I walked into the bar and there you were, fighting."
"You walked into the bar? At 11 PM? We didn't talk before that?"
"Not really. Last time we talked it was in your car."
Jesus, I was missing about seven hours. Great, I didn't even speak to her. I removed my covers and noticed that while Riley had removed my shoes, she didn't remove my clothes. She felt like she needed to explain.
"I didn't change you into something better because I didn't know if you'd be okay with that. I didn't want to overstep."
"Yeah, thanks." I said. I stood up to go to the bathroom and noticed a sharp pain on my right knee as soon as it began to support my weight. "Oh, no." I unbuttoned my jeans and lowered them to see that I had somehow scratched my knee. Pretty nasty cut, too.
"Oh, damn" Riley said, clearly surprised.
"My knee is bleeding," I looked up to her "why is my knee bleeding?"
"I don't know! Like I said, I saw you fighting at the bar. I stopped you and put you to bed. That's it. Although, you were walking funny last night but I just thought it was because you were so drunk."
"So I already had this when you saw me?"
"Probably, yeah. You sure didn't get it when you were with me." She stopped and said, "Last night. When I brought you here. Like, not, like. You know what I mean."
I smiled. She's so awkward with words. I always found it cute. "Thanks. I think I'll take a shower now."
"Okay. If you need anything just text me. I'll be around."
I nodded. She left and I hopped into the showered, got dressed and went downstairs to the bar. Seamus was there.
"Miss, good morning. I honestly didn't think you'd get up so early after last night?"
Oh, this is looking better and better. "What happened last night?"
"You don't remember? Oh, miss. That is... I'm not sure. You came into the bar with the groom, you were talking and were... pretty drunk. The groom left, I think to bring your wife, his sister?" He was asking for confirmation. I nodded. "He left you on the counter, you asked for another drink, I refused and you got very... demanding."
"Oh, my God, did I say something mean?"
"No! Well, not at the beginning. You just offered me a thousand dollars for a beer."
"What?! But I don't like beer."
He shrugged. "You just wanted something to drink. I refused again and you started to just scream that you needed a beer, and everything sucks, and people are the worst. Your wife came in, calmed you down and took you upstairs."
I covered my face with my hands and said, "Oh, my God, Seamus, I am so sorry."
"That's ok. It happens... a lot. It's funny, weddings make people very angry."
I licked my lips and thought about it, "I was here in the afternoon, right?"
"Yes, miss."
"I was supposed to talk to my wife. What happened?"
"You don't remember?"
"I remember nothing."
"I don't know. You were walking towards her, then I don't know, you kind of looked like you'd just remembered something and left on a rush."
"I remembered something?"
"Uh-huh."
"Uhm, I walked in with Connor Brenan, right? The groom?"
"Yes, miss."
"Okay, thank you, Seamus. And I'm really sorry."
I left the bar to try and look for Connor, he had to be either in his room, or having breakfast. I decided to stop by the restaurant and see if I could find him there. He was standing in line for the buffet. He got himself some pancakes, some ham and sausages.
"Hey, Connor," I said making him turn back towards me.
"Faye! Hey, man. What the fuck? How you feeling, dude? You were mad drunk last night."
"Yeah. Worse, I don't remember squat. "
"Oh, one of those nights, huh? Does make sense, sis. You were out of it."
"Can you tell me what happened?"
"Not much. I was having a me time. Like, don't tell Sheila 'cause I don't want her to take things the wrong way but I needed a space for myself. To be like, 'alone' alone, for one last time in my life. Accept the fact that it's me and her from now on."
I smiled. That's the most relatable thing Connor has ever said, "I know what you mean. You want to share a life with her, but saying goodbye to having your own house and space and all that is... difficult."
"Yeah!" he said, then placed a plate on my hand and some pancakes. "You probably need to eat." We sat on one of the tables and kept talking. "Is that a bad thing?" he asked.
"What?"
"I don't know. I'm getting married to be with someone. Is it bad that I want to be alone?"
I smiled. "Shouldn't you be the one to know that answer? I don't know, I don't think so. You need to keep some level of independence. Of self. Right now, I don't see myself leaving my independence and self-reliance for no one."
"Well, it ain't the same though, is it?"
"What you mean?"
"You trusted someone, depended on them, they failed you. You're not afraid of letting go of your independence, you're afraid you'll be let down again if you do."
I smiled. "So, psychology is paying off, right?"
"Well, I still have a year to go, but yeah. It's weird, understanding how we people work, helps a lot to understand me."
"Then why are you worried?"
"I'm not, dude. Not about now. I'm worried about the future. When dopamine goes now, and monotony takes over. What did you guys do?"
"I don't think we're the best example."
"You've been together-"
"We WERE together" I interrupted him.
"Mothefu-. Fine! You couldn't let me have this, right? You two were the only reason I believe love is possible."
"Your parents are still together, Connor!"
"It ain't the same shit! Riley brought mom and dad back together. If she would've left them to their own they'd be divorced."
"I think you're right, by the way."
"About?"
I took a bite of pancakes and continued to talk. "I am afraid to trust someone again. Have them ditch me."
"Them?"
"Her."
"Yeah. Can't say I blame you. Even if you wanted to get back together," I gave him the worse look in the world. He corrected himself. "I'm not saying that you do! But if you did... that relationship is gonna require a lot of work. Trust is so easy so break and so painfully difficult to rebuild." He wanted to add something, but refused.
"What?" he shook his head. "No, say it!"
"I love my sister. And I love you, you know this, and I'm not gonna pretend I don't want you guys to work your shit out but... I don't know if either of you are willing to go the distance."
"Riley said she was."
"The same Riley who left? Yeah. And you, I don't see you super hopeful. If the both of you are coming together the way you two are right now, you're only gonna fail and hurt each other even more."
"So you don't want us to work things out?"
"I do. I just don't want you to do it the wrong way or for of the wrong reasons. Get back together because you want to, because you can work shit out, because you're willing to work your asses off. And get back together willing to forgive each other. Willing to leave things behind. 'Cause what happened to you both is the definition of trauma... it rewires the brain. It forces us never to forget it, but can you forgive?" I stayed quiet. Connor added, "Yeah, exactly."
"And what on earth does she have to forgive me for? What the hell did I do to her?"
"That's not what I mean," he said. "Forgiveness isn't something to give you control over the relationship. It doesn't work like most people use it, who ever messes up less gets to hold that over the other person. That's not it. It's a clean slate. If you can really forgive each other, nothing else matters. You get to start again, with nothing putting you down, nothing weighing down on you. You get to leave everything behind."
I finished my breakfast and so did he. I came to him to ask about my hangover story line, he's asking the very difficult questions that I don't know if I have an answer to.
"Hey, you still haven't told me what happened yesterday?"
"Oh, shit, almost forgot. So, I went to the lake to be alone I sat by the shore for like a minute and a half before hearing some noises. I stood back up and you were just a few feet away from me. On the ground, out of it."
"What?"
"Yeah," he said.
"What was I doing by the lake?"
He shrugged. I stood up, thanked him for the talk and left. I walked all the way to the lake and tried to see if it would trigger any sort of memory. Nothing. How much did I drink? It was one shot. A very dangerous shot, but just one none the less, what the hell happened? After I gave up trying to remember something, I walked back to the resort, getting to the parking lot. As I walked towards the main entrance, I saw a very high end sports car, as in, my Acura didn't stand a chance. The person driving the car parked and got out. I couldn't believe my eyes. Caroline Rosen.
She was carrying a small bag, wearing sunglasses, and clothes that could pay my house. She stared at the entrance with an expression I had never seen in a woman of her caliber. Hesitation.
I called out to her, "Caroline?"
She turned to me, removing her sunglasses. "Faye, hello. Thanks for inviting me."
I stopped abruptly. "Sorry?"
"I said, thanks for the invitation."
"I invited you?"
She frowned. "Is this a joke?"
"No! No, no! I just, I had a lot to drink last night. I don't remember anything."
"Last night? You called me at 4 PM. You insulted me."
"I did what?"
"Yes, you said, 'Hey, Scott is not the perfect man, not by a long shot. But he's come very far and you'd be lucky to have him, you self-centered, egomaniac'. More or less."
"Oh god," I covered my face.
"It's okay. I needed to hear it. So you asked me to come. You said one of us should have someone. I'm guessing things with your wife haven't improved."
"We haven't really talked. So you came for Scott."
"Yes, well. He hasn't been answering my phone calls."
"I thought you dumped him."
"I didn't dump him. I offered him something he wasn't interested in, so he refused."
"And now...?"
Caroline, in the same impassive expression as always replied with a voice that had every ounce of emotion she could muster. "You were right. Scott is a good man... mostly. He does have a temper. But he also made me happy. As happy as a relationship can make someone. If things don't work out I'll just go to Vegas and blow off money. You can always recover from heartbreak, if you're strong enough. Regretting not fighting something... not so much."
That pulled at something inside me. Was that what I was afraid of? Having my heart broken again, and thinking I wouldn't be strong enough to recover? Isn't that why we avoid heartbreak? Because we think we won't recover, because we think the pain might be too much. But the thing is, we always do. It changes us, but we always do. Was I afraid that if Riley broke my heart again, I wouldn't be able to get back up this time?
From inside the resort I saw Scott walk out to meet Caroline, he seemed to be a bit defensive but he was very excited to see her. He saw me and frowned. "What are you doing here?"
"Oh, nothing, I just... Don't know. Walking. Saying hello."
"How did things go with Sheila yesterday?" he asked.
"What? I spoke to Sheila?"
He laughed at me letting me know he knew exactly what was happening. "Oh, no! You don't remember? Damn, how much you drink?"
"No. Idea. When did I talk to Sheila?"
"Don't know. You met me at the restaurant and told me you called Caroline, insulted her and that she was on her way, and 'you're welcome'."
"Oh, god."
Scott and Caroline started walking, probably talking about how their relationship would look like, what they both wanted of each other and trying to work things out. Establishing boundaries and all that. Ugh, love. It's so annoying.
And so freaking worth it.
I searched for Sheila for two hours. I eventually found her near the pool talking to her sister, whom, I don't really like. I've only met her twice before that day, and I know everyone says it's just me, but I'm pretty sure she has a huge boner for my wife. Ex-wife! Damn it! Anyway, they were talking about something, I don't know, I didn't pay attention, and I'm not the kind to eaves drop. When they saw me, they stopped and Sheila stood up and said hello.
"Hey, Sheila." I turned to Sheila's sister and added. "Ronda." as a hello.
"Faye, how is it going?" she replied.
"I need to speak to the bride for a moment, you don't mind, right?"
"Oh, sure!" Sheila said.
We walked towards her room. I needed a private place to talk because I didn't think that whatever I said or did while I was drunk would be something to be proud of. She sat on the bed, while I sat on the chair next to her desk.
"So, what's up?" she asked, with that soft smile in her face she always carries.
I really liked Sheila, always had. She's a kind, carrying person. The kind of person that can be sweet without being weak, thoughtful without being a pushover. I really couldn't ask for a better sister in law to join the family. And more important than anything else, she made Connor incredibly happy. I hadn't seen him so focused and hopeful for the future in... well, ever. After recovering from a drug addiction and getting his life back together, it felt like Sheila was the reward to all his hard work.
"I'm really sorry I'm bothering you, specially today."
"Oh, no problem! After yesterday, I was kind of worried about you, after what happened yesterday."
There it is, it's like everyone knows I was going through something, except me.
"Yeah, about that, I don't really remember much."
"You don't? Crap! Although it kind of tracks."
"I only had like a shot of something really strong."
"Yeah, and then you came here and grabbed two bottle of wine and downed them all by yourself." Well, that's one mystery solved. "You were really... sad."
"How you figure?"
"I mean, you don't drink two whole bottles of wine because you feel so good about yourself."
I sighed. "Point taken."
"Also, we talked about she who shall not be named."
"Already talked about her at length with your husband." Sheila's expression changed, and a big smiled appeared in her face. "What?" I asked.
"My husband."
I smiled at her. I had forgotten what that felt like. When people called me 'Riley's wife', or when they called her 'Faye's wife'. You get used to it with time and it stops meaning what it meant, but it is such a powerful way to talk about someone's partner.
I remembered the first time I truly understood Riley was my wife. Mine and no one else's. It was for Christmas, about two months after we'd 'eloped' and gotten married at the courthouse in front of a judge without telling anyone except Connor and Mike and Eloise. And that was just because we needed witnesses. That Christmas Riley came home from the clinic for about a week. And you know how families get around Christmas time. That year the Brennans were making a big deal about it, especially since Erica and Steve were recently back together. So they planned a big party inviting pretty much everyone who was even slightly related to them. I got the invitation on the mail one morning, while I was making breakfast and Riley was cleaning out the garage. I told her we'd gotten our invitation and asked, for the first time, how she wanted to spend Christmas. Staying home just the two of us, or going to the party. She said that since even my mom was going to their Christmas party it'd be better if we could also show up. I agreed and she grabbed a pen and signed 'The Burton-Brennan family will be attending'. Burton-Brennan family. She wrote it like it was nothing but to me, it struck me like lightning. I almost cried at that moment.
"Faye?" Sheila said bringing me back to reality.
"Sorry, I was thinking about something."
"Yeah, I can tell. Are you okay?"
"I... I don't know. What did we talk about yesterday?"
"Well, you burst in and said you needed advice."
"Okay? about?"
"You were really close to talking to Riley and out of nowhere you realized you had no idea what to say, because you had no one what you wanted. I told you that sometimes we do know what we want, we're just afraid of admitting it to ourselves."
"What exactly did I tell you?"
"Well, you said you had something to drink, but you still got scared so you came here, you grabbed a bottle of wine and began drinking while passing around the room."
"But, why here?" I paused for a moment realizing maybe I hadn't said the best thing in the world and added, "Not that I don't consider you a friend, it's just that... I thought I'd gone to Scott with something like this."
"I think it was because I'm getting married tomorrow. You just came in, started drinking and we began to talk. Actually, it was one of the best talks of my life."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you sat down with the bottle of wine and started saying that marriage is such hard work. That you can do your best and still won't be enough sometimes. You told me you... you missed your home, and I don't think you meant the house."
"I told you that I wanted to..."
"Yeah. And I think that's what scares you. That after everything she's done, you still wanna be with her, so you're trying to protect yourself by being distant, because you think she needs to pay for what she did. Not because you want her to suffer, but because you're afraid if you make it too easy for her, she'll do it again. 'Cause this isn't the first time she's made a life changing decision without so much as telling you."
"I said that?"
"More or less. You were actually very coherent for someone so drunk." she said trying not to laugh "It was kinda like talking to philosopher who's finally found the meaning to life or something like that."
I smiled at that. "I don't think... I don't think I'm ready to admit that to myself. But at the same time, I think if I don't make a decision now, she'll just move on."
Sheila tilted her head and replied. "I don't think that's gonna be a problem. I talked to Riley before coming here. She told me that every bone in her body wants you back, that she's had to stop herself from begging, and the only reason she hasn't is because she thinks it'll ruin her chances. Whatever it is that you think you want her to feel, I promise you she already feels it. I don't think she's gonna stop waiting until she hears it from your own lips that you don't want her... and you and I both know that's not happening."
"But that doesn't mean I'm ready."
"You don't have to be ready, Faye. You just have to stop fighting yourself. Trust me, your love for her isn't going away just because you pretend it is. Stop fighting yourself, and you're gonna be, if not happy... relieved. Being in war with yourself is really difficult to sustain."
I looked up at Sheila. Yes, I really liked her. "I'm really glad you're part of the family."
"Me, too. You guys have been nothing but nice to me."
"Well, Connor doesn't have thee greatest dating record so 'Has a job and no drug problems' is enough to make us pretty happy." She laughed at that. "I'm also really glad I came to talk to you."
"Me too. I wouldn't have trusted my ring to anyone else."
"Ring?"
"Yeah, you didn't forget that, too, did you? I gave you Connor's wedding band to hold onto until the ceremony. Since Riley is holding onto mine, I thought it was appropriate. You told me you're not ready to wear yours back. I don't know, I thought that maybe... it would be easier."
I had a flash. I knew why I was standing by the lake. I knew what I had done.
"Yeah, sure, no, I mean, yeah. I have the wedding band. Don't worry. It's in my room."
Sheila's face relax. She had been worried that maybe I didn't remember, and I didn't. I thanked her for everything and ran back to the Lodge. When I walked into the reception, I saw Riley talking to the receptionist, I ran up to her and yelled. "I've done something bad. Something really, really bad!"