Chapter 38// "It's when you like to do the dirty with no strings attached"
"Dear Dawson, my sexy Crescent,
I really fucked things up this time. This is going to make me sound like a absolute pussy but it needs to be said.
When Daniel told you I saw the sadness in your eyes but I didn't know what to say. I couldn't think of anything to take way your pain. All I kept repeating in my head was "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry"
There are 1,013,913 words in the English dictionary but no matter what I could never string together any of them to describe how much I love you. How much I still love you and will always love you.
I should have kissed you one more while I had the chance.
Really Dawson I wonder if you stay up late thinking about me. I stay up thinking about how I could I have done things differently. I stay up late wishing that I could turn back time. I lie awake cursing the universe for screwing up timing and wonder if I ever cross your innocent mind. I wonder if you dream about me like I dream about you and if your heart aches when you hear my name.
Because even though I'm a guy Cress, I have feeling too, especially when it comes to you, just sometimes I'm too embarrassed to show it. I feel broken, I feel angry with myself, I stay up because I miss you, I loathe myself for hurting you and I miss the sound of you voice telling me you loved me.
I can't sit there everyday, watching your heart break every time you walk past me but I'm also selfish because I can't bare the thought of you not being in my arms, I can't bare to see you fall in love with another guy.
I can't forgive myself, so I don't blame you for not forgiving me either.
I'm not coming back Cress, not ever. Maybe we'll meet again when we're slightly older and our lives are less hectic and I'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. But right now, I am chaos to your mind and poison to your heart.
I'm a big mess, and that's the last thing you need right now...
...But this mess loves you endlessly.
From Elliott.
I sit there for a moment feeling lost, empty.
I have to put my hand to my mouth to cover up the sobs. I run my finger over his name, which was scribbled at the bottom. My Elliott.
My stupid Elliott, he really has left me and he's not coming back. As it sinks in I feel like I was slowly losing all hope because I thought I could handle the pain of being away from him but I can't....
I look at the piece of paper carefully and see tiny stains of dried up water, my throat tightens even further.
Tear stains. I couldn't even bear the thought of Elliott crying. Personally I had never seen him cry but even the thought was unbearable.
I feel anger rise in me. Because if he was to climb through my window at this very moment I would take him back in a heartbeat, but I felt as time passed my desperation for him would disappear.
I was about to chuck the envelope inside until I heard a metallic click on the inside, my eyebrows furrow in confusion. I gently place my hand inside and feel cold metal. I pull out a chain.
The pendant on it was of a wolf and a Crescent moon. The necklace he gave to me on my birthday, the necklace I threw at him when I was angry with him. I had felt empty without it.
I wonder how he got it back, because from what I remember Winter telling me, he went to hit Daniel and then was dragged out the place. He remembered. And he got it back.
I mentally curse the world as well for fucking things up for us.
Elliott still loved me. And the feeling that I kissed Conner today made me feel like I have betrayed Elliott. I felt like a bad person. So is that the feeling Elliott felt all the time since we broke up.
So many things were running through my head that I lie on my pillow clutching the pendant in my hand and hugging the piece of paper that contained to many emotions.
All I wanted was one simple thing was for Elliott to be here right now. I hate myself for all those moments I spent hating him, because deep down it there was always going to be a love that was going to form. It was just human nature
I curl up in to a ball feeling my tears fall in my pillow. I tighten my eyes tighter trying to stop all my feelings coming through.
And I think eventually I fall asleep....
*
"Hurry up Cress" Daniel shouts from downstairs. I sigh typing my hair in a ponytail, someone should have told me how greasy blonde hair could look after 2 days.
I take my sweet time walking out my room. I really wasn't in the mood for going out anywhere. I tried to pretend I was sick but it didn't work, Daniel already played that card too many times in the past.
I had spent the whole day in my room and my eyes were red from last night. My head was aching and to be honest I wasn't in a good state.
Sometimes I wanted to throw the letter out the window, let it fly away and block Elliott out again. But I couldn't.
I just kept glancing at it, hurting myself deeper and deeper.
My mom was currently filling in her eyebrows while I walk down the stairs; She drops her brush when she sees me.
"What in the world are you wearing" She gasps.
I just picked whatever was lying on my floor and looked comfortable so I picked up my pajama joggies that had Christmas trees all down it. I really wasn't in the mood for going anywhere.
"Upstairs now, change before I make you wear a dress" I sigh over dramatically and roll my eyes as I stomp up the stairs. I see Daniel laughing at my annoyance.
He was only in a good mood because we were going to his friend's house. Why was my mom never childhood friends with any of my friend's parents?
When I go downstairs again my mom gives me a nod of approval.
Outside it there is a cool autumn breeze, which makes my ponytail flying my face. My mom and me walk up the driveway and around to Conner's house. But Daniel walks straight through the muddy grass. He obviously reaches the door first and Conner's mom is ready to greet us.
She was a slim woman with dirty blonde hair. She has a dazzling smile placed on her face. She greets me with a firm warm hug.
"Come in" She gushes as she leads us in to her brightly lit home. It was like on of those houses that you would see in a magazine. Where each color of each wall matched the surrounding ornaments and furniture. Also not a speck of dust in sight
"Its been a long time" My mom sighs and Conner's mom agrees. The both begin to talk walking ahead of us. Looks like they had a lot to catch up on.
She guides us to what was obviously the living room. I sit on the sofa, while Daniel sits next to me.
That's when 2 boys walk in.
"These are my sons" Conner's mom pushes them forward to greet us.
"We're twins" The one with glasses points out. I look at them surprised. They had the same blonde hair and blue eyes but other than that nothing about them looked alike. One wore glasses and had curly hair while the other had his straight hair falling in his eyes.
"Daniel come play video games with us" the straight haired one pleads practically pulling him off the coach.
"Now, now boys, dinner first"
'After" Daniel replies ruffling their hair.
"And this is my 14 year old daughter Lucy"
"My god Eva, she looks just like you, " My mom tells Conner's mom. So her name was Eva.
The girl named Lucy was vey pretty, with her flowing blonde hair and her big blue eyes. At this point she was viscously typing on her phone.
"Texting your boyfriend, are we Lucy' Daniel teases her.
She looks up and when she sees Daniel she blushes bright red. "I...I don't have a boyfriend " She replies embarrassed by my brothers comment.
I look at the way she was looking at my brother very carefully.
She takes her place on the only single couch in the room, and I see her take a cheeky glance at Daniel.
Bless her; she had a crush on my brother.
"I didn't know Daniel had a twin" she states.
"I didn't know Conner had a sister. You look so normal compared to him, he looks like he just burnt down a whole forest and laughed about it"
"Crescent" My mom scorns me. But his mom only laughs.
"Now where is that son of mine? Conner get down here now" She shouts loudly.
Silence.
"CONNER!"Â My eyes widen, wow this women could be loud when she wanted to be. That's when I hear thumping from upstairs and the sounds come closer.
"What the hell is it Mom" He Shouts, he enters the living room wearing a tight fitting t-shirt and joggies. Why does he get to wear them and I don't? He rubs his eyes and runs a hand though his messy hair. It was obvious he had just been asleep.
His eyes snap in my direction. Well this is awkward seeing as I haven't been face to face with him since we kinda, sort of... kissed.
"What are you doing here?" He asks me, his voice was harsh. I open my mouth to say something.
I forgot that things were still sort of awkward between us. Seeing as yesterday I locked lips with the school's bad boy. The boy who never liked to publically be kissed by a girl.
I bite my lip having no idea what to say, Daniel raises an eyebrow knowing something was going on and Conner's mom looks like she was going to slap some sense it to him.
"Dinner's ready' A loud manly voice calls. Everyone looks in the direction of a middle ages man with the really light blonde sort of hair Conner has.
"No one told me you arrived" He smiles at my mom. My mom gets up to hug him, quite informally. Daniel shares the same confused expression as me.
"Lets go then" Conner's mom urges us to go to the kitchen. I get up but before I leave the room I catch Conner's narrowed blue eyes in my direction.
*
"I love lasagna," I moan. This woman really knew how to cook, bloody hell. I think I am going to take permanent residence in this house.
"Try not to make to much noise Crescent, people will get the wrong impression" Conner was in an extremely crabby mood. Everyone thought it was because he'd been woken from his beauty sleep but I knew better.
"So I know Conner and Daniel are good friends, are you and Conner close. Do you have classes together" His mom asks me.
"We were really close last night" Everyone turns to look at him.
Daniel practically spits out his food "You were together last night, Crescent how many of my friends do you want to get with?
I glare at Conner; I am going to kill him for letting that slip.
"Eh, I was helping him with math homework, and we were sitting beside each other"
"I didn't see him in the house last night" My mom says looking confused.
Oh fuck.
"She climbed through her window in to my room." He lies. I could feel my bloody boiling at him.
"What, that's it when we get home, we're moving all your stuff in to the spare room. Or do we have superglue? I'll superglue your window shit and paint it black" Daniel tells me.
"Well Crescent you're always welcome in our house, whether it's through the front door, window or in Conner's bed"
I feel my whole body flare up red. What is up with people nowadays?
"Conner never brings girls home. I was starting to think him and Daniel are in a secret relationship together"
I snort with laughter, while both boys look down at their food in complete humiliation.
'Conner likes boys, ooooohhhh" One of his brother's tease him. Conner gives him one death glare and he instantly shuts his mouth.
"So did you used to know each other form high school" I ask politely though I already knew the answer.
"Abigail and me used to be enemies back in high School" Conner's mom tells me. I raise my eyebrow. I swallow my mouthful.
"Really" I ask, they both nod and begin to talk about the arguments they used to get in back in high school.
I zone out and mix the food up in my plate leaning on one arm and resting my head on that hand. I glance over at the twins who were practically chucking food at each other.
I was also trying to avoid Conner's gaze, why did he have to sit directly across form me.
"Crescent" I look up to see his dad was talking to me.
"You might not know this but me and your mom used to be friends back in high school," He tells me.
I look at him surprised no one mentioned that to me and by the expression on my brother's face, he didn't know that either.
"Friends, more like you couldn't tear the two of them away from each other" Mrs. Ryder explains.
"Like friends with benefits" Conner asks obviously confused.
'What's that" the curly haired twin asks as he places some melted cheese form his plate in to his hair.
"It's when you like to do the dirty with no strings attached" Daniel explains.
The little boy nods going back to playing with his cheese. I really hope he didn't actually know what that meant.
"Come on" Mr. Ryder tells me and Daniel.
We all get up form the table as he guides us to what looks like a study room, he goes through a wardrobe to pull out a big frame. There were several different people wearing suits and beautiful dresses.
"That's mom" Daniel points to the centre. There was my blonde haired mom standing there, wearing a sort of tiara.
"She was just voted for Snow queen"
"That's your mom" Conner points at the picture.
"Yeh" Daniel replies though the question was aimed at me.
Conner lets out a low wolf whistle. Everyone turn to look at him, he just shrugs but I can tell he was slightly embarrassed.
"Who's that beside her" I point to her right her arms were wrapped around him.
All 3 adults look between each other.
"That's Elliott's dad, Jake"
I recognized next to the Jake guy, was my dad. My mom was in a relationship with Elliott's dad.
Daniel instantly walks out the room at the sound of Elliott's name. Because he didn't just leave me but he left his best friend because of me.
"Why don't you kids go upstairs, while we clear up" Mrs. Ryder kindly tells us. The twins run up he stairs overly excited.
I felt so out of place until Conner nudges me. "You coming" I jump slightly in surprise, not knowing he was beside me.
I shrug in reply following after him, when we're out the room then we walk down the hall and make it to the staircase. Once we walk up a couple of steps, I suddenly feel my back hit the wall.
I was horrified to find that when I opened my eyes his face was barely centimeters from mine. His gaze was so intense that I was ready to drop to the ground.
To be he held in this way by your crush was what most girls would think of as their ultimate dream. But for me at this moment I was genuinely scared at the look in Conner's eyes but what could I say he always had that bitchy sort of glare.
"Your quite close to me" I whisper quietly.
His expression softens slightly and by that I mean that he doesn't look like he's about to kill me.
"Really because you were publically up in my face last night"
"I'm sorry it was just to piss off Ryan, you were the person closest to me... and anyway you kissed me back"
I feel the space between us tighten and I feel my hands touch the wall behind me.
"Just don't, ever do that again" His tone was harsh and I almost regretted it. Almost. I didn't want him too look at me with his grayish- blue eyes it made this moment a lot more awkward than it already was.
I see his gaze flicker to my lips but only for a moment. A brief moment.
And he lets go of me. I let out a loud breath.
"I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the kiss" I tell him as he begins to walk back up the stairs.
He stops.
"No one said I didn't enjoy the kiss" And he walks the final steps up the stairs in to the darkness.
Why is he so mysterious?
*
"I still beat you though" I shout in triumph dancing around and swinging the controller in Conner's face. Oh it was so easy to piss this boy off.
"You were just beat by a girl" One of his little brothers looks astounded, like a star just fell form the sky.
"I know" Conner growls at him.
Daniel takes the controller out my hand. "I'm actually proud of you Cress"
Both of them begin to battle it out to see who the better player is as I sit back and watch.
"I'm getting a drink" Daniel sighs after Conner beats him for a second time. He chucks the controller at Conner who gracefully catches it with on hand.
It was my turn to beat 'Conner's ass for a third time.
"Hey it's my turn" I shout at Conner who just walks up to a high cupboard he places the controller at the very top.
I walk up to him with my hands on my hips. "Get that down now"
What kind of person was he taking advantage of my shortness? Damn my height
"Make me"
"I'll kiss you again" I warn him.
He lets out a cold laugh "I won't let you"
Suddenly from the corner of the games room Lucy perks up ""Is it legal for you to marry your brother's brother in law?"
I give her a confused look until it dawns on me.
Conner seems to realize what his sister meant before I do and he chucks a controller in her direction aiming for her.
"Lucy stop talking bullshit and no you can't" he lies.
A frown forms on her face.
Why on earth would she think Conner and me would ever get married? Kids nowadays. Conner would never go for a girl like me.
Also I think the better question is how the hell can you fancy Daniel; even the thought makes me shiver.
Author note:
Christmas is nearly here, which means for the next 2 weeks I'm not going to be updating once a week.
But TWICE.
More importantly, when I have finished this book I'm going to write a prequel with the parents . I think it would be such a great story and add a better understanding to this book.
Writing Elliott's letter had me balling in tears. Also a bit of a teaser for the next chapter: What happens when Conner and Ryan get in a fight? And why do they get in a fight?
Also just wondering but who do you think I ship Crescent with. Because I actually hate one couple and love the other. Can you guess if I like Cronner or Crelliott??
Until next time.