Being friends with Nash has done something to me.
I've always been desperate for approval. From anyone. Maybe it's because I'm a younger sibling- I remember being a kid and always trying to do whatever Jason did so that my parents would be really happy with me as well. But of course, I'd have to do it better than he did to get the same level of praise from them. Or I'd have to come up with something else entirely. No matter what I did, it never felt like enough. It always felt like I was running on a hamster wheel, constantly exhausting myself and never getting anywhere.
My parents have had me wired to want to please them forever. When I figured out that I was gay, I wanted to hide it from them. I knew they'd be disappointed. But I knew they'd find out, and they'd be incredibly pissed if they found out without me having told them first. So I came out to them.
Their reaction was as expected. They weren't pleased, but they weren't extremely disgusted either. They just told me through vague comments that I'd have to suck it up and live the life they'd planned for me anyways.
"Mom. Dad."
We're all sitting at the table, my brother beside me. I came out to him a few weeks ago. I knew he'd be on my side- he always is. And I needed someone on my side for this.
Our parents are looking at me expectantly, each with the look of someone who doesn't know exactly what news they'll be getting, but they aren't expecting it to be something they're going to like. It isn't really helpful.
I take a deep breath, having to look away from them to be able to get it out. I fix my gaze on the table in front of me. "Um. I'm gay."
It takes me a moment to look back up and see their reactions. Their expressions haven't changed much- they were expecting news they weren't going to like, and they received it. No enormous shows of disappointment, though. Unless- my heart nearly stops- they already knew, and they'd decided beforehand that they were just going to disown me immediately. I search their faces for anything that might be able to put this terrifying fear to rest, but there's nothing.
"Well," my mother says, standing from the table and turning away so she's only facing my dad. "We hoped to have a daughter for our second child. I suppose that's come back to bite us, now."
My heart sinks.
"Still, we'll have to keep up appearances," my dad tells her. And that's it. That's my parents' reaction to me coming out to them.
They kept casually discussing 'keeping up appearances' over the following few days. Never talking directly to me but always having the conversation within earshot. I have no doubt at all that it was intentional. They said vague things about protecting their public image, and the family's public image, and basically made it clear to me that as long as I conformed to their idea of what I should be like, regardless of my sexuality, I would still be part of the family's public image. And if I ended up tarnishing their image, they would consider me a liability. And I know what they do to liabilities.
So I worked out a pretty formal arrangement with Scarlett so that we could both show the world a straight relationship. Her parents had been on her case to get a boyfriend, because they were worried that if she was never in any relationships then she might not be considered a prospect for potential suitors later in her life.
Funnily enough, Scarlett doesn't actually care about having any suitors later in her life. She's told me a couple of times about her plans to build her own business empire and run it single-handedly, maybe marrying for love but definitely not business reasons. Her parents, of course, see her future being the other way around- her husband running their company, and Scarlett being delegated to being a housewife. I'm not actually sure if they're seeing Scarlett the way she is or if they've created an image in their minds of what she should be like, and that's all they see when they look at her. Because there's no possible way Scarlett Brooks will ever be a housewife, for anyone. At the very minimum, she'd run the company alongside her husband. But I genuinely don't think there are many guys who could keep up with her, so.
Anyways. We 'dated' for a year and a half, which we agreed on when we first started the relationship. It appeased both of our parents, and they left us alone for a while. But now my parents are starting to worry that I'm not as obedient as I used to be (which is true) and I care less about their approval and being part of their perfect image (which is also true), so they're going back to watching me like a hawk and threatening me through vague conversations with each other when I'm around, or sometimes actually talking to me about it to 'make sure I understand'. Which I do. I just don't care.
I've started caring less about a lot of things, lately. Not that I've stopped caring entirely- I just care more about myself and what I actually want, than being desperate for approval and validation from other people. I've stopped bending over backwards for my parents. And I've stopped feeling like I need everyone to love me now.
That's the part that I think Nash has something to do with. He makes me feel like I'm enough. Like I'm enough without doing tons of stuff to make him happy, to make him like me. Not that my other friends ask me for stuff, or make me feel inferior- I can just never shake the feeling that if I didn't put so much effort into making them like me, they wouldn't. With Nash it's different. It feels like he likes me for me, not for the manufactured front I put up to maximize my chances of him enjoying my company.
And then, of course, there's the fact that I just like Nash. A lot. He's sarcastic and clever and hilarious and incredibly smart and sometimes thinks way more than he needs to, and ends up overwhelming himself, but it's just that he cares so much about things and he invests himself so fully. Not to mention how incredibly passionate he is about music. He loves music, anyone can tell just by how much he plays. He never gets sick of it. Watching him play is like watching him wake up and come alive. Listening to the music he creates is a gift, an honour, a miracle.
I can't get enough of him.
Axel got pulled away by his parents as soon as we showed up to his house, and they didn't look thrilled. I'm kind of scared that they might think I'm Axel's boyfriend, because based on what I know of them, they wouldn't take that well at all. Anyways, they took him in the direction away from the library, so I go to the library, not having to worry about interrupting anything. I feel awkward just taking up space, though, so I take a seat at the piano and start playing- quietly, just in case.
After a few minutes, the door opens. I look up, expecting to see Axel but instead finding his brother. I quickly stop playing, yanking my hands back from the keys as though the piano's burned me. Jason rolls his eyes at me and carefully closes the library door again, going to sit on the couches.
"Nash, right?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. Well. You know Axel's gay, and you know our parents aren't fantastically happy about that. But they're a lot more okay with it as long as he doesn't do anything gay. And right now, they're probably talking to Axel trying to figure out if you're his boyfriend or not."
"I'm not," I respond immediately, even though I know it doesn't matter to Jason.
"That doesn't matter to me," he says. "But if, for some reason, my parents do decide that you and Axel are dating, one of them will come in here and tell you to leave, and then they'll probably find some way to force Axel not to talk to you for a couple of weeks. So I figured I'd give you a heads up now, so that in case that does happen, you don't think he's mad at you or anything. He cares about you a lot, I can tell. But our parents have spent pretty much every second since Axel and I were born into messing us up in a very specific way that allows them to control us. "
"Oh." I blink at him. "That's... um. I mean, obviously that's really messed up, but you don't need me to tell you that. Thanks for the warning- that Axel might be avoiding me for a bit. That saves me a lot of overthinking."
He gives me a small smile. "Glad to hear it. I mean, I hope that doesn't happen, but just in case."
"Okay. Thanks."
"No problem." He gets back up, going to the door and opening it, but stopping right before he leaves. He glances back at me, narrowing his eyes. "Oh, but I should tell you. If you hurt my brother, I will have to have you murdered."
I stare at him, wide eyes not from the threat but the implication of 'hurting' Axel. "W-what?"
"You know what I mean." He slips out of the room, closing the door behind him.
Okay. So he definitely knows that I like his brother.
I sit there for awhile, scared to start playing the piano again in case one of Axel's parents comes in to kick me out. I sit and wait for about a half an hour before the door opens. I smile when I see it's Axel. He gives me a grin and closes the door behind him.
"Hey. Sorry for making you wait. My parents were just, you know. Being themselves."
"Don't worry. Your brother came in and told me what was going on."
Axel looks a little surprised. "Oh. That's good. So he told you that they might have tried to make me stop talking to you if they thought you were my boyfriend?"
"Yeah. Told me not to overthink things, basically. Said if that happens, it would be all your parents." I decide not to mention the fact that he also implied that Axel and I may end up dating and that if I hurt Axel then he'd have me killed.
"Okay. Well, that makes it easier for me." He takes a seat on one of the couches, the one closest to the piano.
"Are you okay?" I blurt.
He looks at me, surprised.
"You don't have to talk to me about it if you don't want to," I rush to say. "But I just figured, since your parents seem to be pretty... I don't know. That seems like a lot to deal with."
He relaxes into the couch a little, swallowing. Just the change in his posture makes him look smaller, younger. Definitely not okay. "I mean, I guess as okay as someone can be when their parents are... like that." He gestures in a way that indicates kind of the entire house outside of the library.
"It sucks that they don't accept you," I murmur, and he looks kind of surprised again, as though he hadn't realized that.
"Yeah. I mean, I... didn't want to come out to them. I knew they wouldn't like it. I told them because I was scared of how they'd react if they found out without me telling them."
"That's messed up."
He lets out a humourless scoff. "Everything about my parents' parenting technique is messed up."
"I'm starting to really get that."
His gaze strays to the floor. "It's... kind of scary. Because I mean, they've been systematically ruining me since I was born. And I just- don't know what kind of person I'm going to become because of that. I mean, is there any way to come back from all of the stuff they've done? Am I even capable of having normal emotions, or being mentally healthy, or being able to love someone- am I capable of being a good person at all, after being raised by them? What if I end up..."
I slide off the piano bench, sitting next to him on the couch. "Yes, you're capable of all that. Of course you are. I mean, I don't know what kind of stuff you're going to have to deal with because of them, but you're completely capable of being a good person. You are a good person. You're not going to end up like them, because you aren't them. You've had to deal with all of the terrible things they've done to you, so you'll be able to empathize with other people in similar situations."
"But what if I can't? What if I'm so messed up that I end up being cold-hearted and completely incapable of compassion?"
I think about that for a second, because it's not impossible. People with messed up childhoods can end up being cruel because of it. But that doesn't seem like Axel. I can't imagine him doing that. "I guess... that's a choice you have to make. But you're a good person, and you're strong enough to want to take the higher road. I can't imagine you ever being anything like them."
He's silent for a few moments, then he sighs, sounding less broken than a few minutes ago. "Thanks, Nash."
"Of course," I say softly. "Anytime."
Sorry for the early update last week- I was away from my laptop on Monday and figured an early update was better than a late one. I hope it wasn't too much of a disruption!
Thoughts on Axel's parents' reaction to his sexuality? And his feelings for Nash? How about Nash's conversation with Jason? And Nash and Axel's heart-to-heart at the end? Let me know what you think in the comments!
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