Chapter 59: chapter 59

Mowri  sat in the car with Arnab . They had been here for a while now. Silent. Arnab had wanted her to talk to him and she had finally decided to do so. To achieve that Arnab had brought her to this quiet place. There was nobody around for miles as they watched the evening sun go down over the tall line of trees. They were somewhere just outside Ambala. Arnab had taken the first small dirt road off the highway. The fields had been ploughed and ready to be seeded. Or maybe they were already seeded who knew. But it was peaceful with only the chirping of the birds returning after a good day's work. Mowri  didn't know where to start and so they sat there, quiet."I had never thought it would become this difficult to talk about things," she said quietly.Arnab looked at her she was gazing out at the setting sun. Was she even seeing something or was she lost in her whirlwind emotions? "When you keep things inside for so long they tend to choke you when finally the time comes to let them out," he replied."I guess," she said and took in a deep breath, "I don't know where to begin. Over the years so many things have happened," she said the shook her head to clear it, "being the oldest child in the family had its rewards and I enjoyed them too. I was very little and don't remember much but I do remember when things started to change. Simrit's birth didn't affect me, with a joint family others took over when ma wasn't around. And it didn't matter either. I was way too young to understand anything anyway. But as and how I grew I realized situation wasn't the same anymore. It wasn't as if I wasn't loved by my parents but Simrit was loved more. Slowly she became the apple of everyone's eyes. She was a pretty girl and all in the family adored her. Was I jealous? I don't know. But she always wanted what I had, I guess all the younger siblings do that, Preeti, Kuldeep, Kulraj but Simrit was different," Mowri  said and paused then went ahead, "initially since it was just me and her she would want everything I had but later she would want everything others had too. She was never satisfied with her things. I was the older one so I always had to give in but then I noticed others had to do the same. She would throw tantrums if things didn't go her way and with my mother's constant support she won every time. Slowly I came to expect it of her and I started ignoring her acts. Biji did try to interfere as best she could but Darji, my grandfather, he was a very strict person. And a lot of times he disapproved of biji's interference," she said and smiled sadly, "when he died the responsibility fell on her shoulders, keeping this family together making sure everything went fine that for years she couldn't see what was becoming of us. And by the time she realized we had all grown up, it was probably too late for anyone to do anything. Simrit had grown up to be beautiful but extremely spoilt and self-absorbed not to mention devious," she said and then took a long breath again.She was quiet for some time thinking about all those years of growing up."Didn't your father interfere?" Arnab asked quietly wondering what he had been doing all this time. Was he supportive of Simrit's actions too? Or was he the silent spectator?"Papa has never taken much interest in how things work at home," Mowri  replied as she looked at her fingers, "he was there when needed but that was it. You have seen how he is anyway not very talkative, he keeps to himself, in his belief home and kids are women's responsibility as he took care of everything else," she said, "besides Simrit knew how to influence things to her advantage," she said."What about your uncle and aunt?" Arnab asked again trying to understand how none of the family members saw what was going on or how one of the children was shaping up."They had their priorities," Mowri  replied, "when chachi got married I was two and a half and Simrit had just been born. She was getting used to our house, biji's brand of dominance," she said and smiled at that, "but even she adored Simrit till she didn't have Kulraj," she said, "you see Simrit was an adorable child and she was beautiful even then," Mowri  said as if that was any reasoning as to why she was pampered beyond limits."I don't get it Mowri ," Arnab said thoughtfully, "I do understand all you are saying but it still doesn't tell me why Simrit is so out of hand or even why she is particularly more hateful towards you than the other sisters," he asked.Mowri  looked at Arnab and saw his brows knitted together. He was trying to understand why and what. Hadn't she tried to do the same all her life?Did she have an answer for that? No. Based on everything Simrit had ever said to her she could only conclude that her sister couldn't tolerate her because somewhere even she knew she was not as good. Her uncertainties had turned into jealousies and she didn't have any control over them. That was all the reason she had needed. Mowri  was an enemy because she was good at everything so it became a preoccupation to see her downfall. To prove to the world that Mowri  was not as good."I don't have a straight answer for you Arnab ," Mowri  said, "I guess it is majorly because I am the oddball in the family and despite everything Simrit has done she hasn't been able to gain complete support," she said and shrugged."What do you mean 'oddball'?" Arnab asked frowning. He didn't like the sound of it. Just yesterday he had thought Simrit to be the odd one in their family but it seemed Mowri  thought she was the odd one. Why?"Because of how I look," Mowri  said and Arnab 's frown deepened, "I am tall, broad, a little dark not to mention I am the intelligent one in the family too no wonder they call me the dark horse," she said.Arnab was suddenly angry. How could any family make one of its members feel that way? What the hell did she mean by 'dark horse'? How dare someone even call her that? He didn't like it one bit. But the strangest truth was that no matter how much we criticized others for being racists we were probably the biggest racists ever. Look at all the adverti****ts on television, serials, movies. Everything that was popular and could change the attitude people had itself was corrupted with the same clichés the society lived by. How could Mowri 's mother not see her own daughter's beauty? She was beautiful and he had no doubt there were a lot of others who shared his vision but how come her own family didn't. He couldn't stand the hypocritical attitude."Who calls you that?" he asked unable to mask his anger.Mowri  looked at him and he saw her vulnerability. She must have been hearing that term for a very long time."Everyone," she said in a small voice."Mowri ..." he started but she interrupted him."I know what you are going to say and don't be angry on my account Arnab ," she said, "there are some things that will take a long long time to change and the attitude to girls being fair and the nonsense attached to it is just such a thing," she said quickly but not before Arnab had heard the hurt in her voice."Why did Simrit break your engagement?" he asked."Because she has always wanted what I had," Mowri  said and shrugged, "there is no reason bigger than that. I was engaged to Varun," she said and looked at Arnab to see his reaction but when he kept his face blank deliberately she went on, "I should have told you before but I couldn't, anyway, I was twenty four and it was an arranged match. I never used to be the way I am now. Always trusting others to make the right decision for me, believing my family will stand by me if ever anything went wrong, I was very naïve and trusting back then," she said smiled mockingly, "everyone was satisfied with the match and I met him a couple of times maybe similar to our case and I said yes. He was good looking then, charming too or maybe it was all an act but I couldn't tell the difference at least not then. I have no idea when or how Simrit and Varun decided they were in love, that is the excuse she gave everyone," she said as she went down the memory lane. For some reason she had always thought it would be difficult but not today. Maybe it was because she was so emotionally distraught already that it didn't matter. "On my wedding day just before I was to come down to the hall, Varun's parents left the Gurdwara in a hurry wondering what was wrong papa called them to find out the reason that was when we got to know they had already had a registered marriage in court," she said and hung her head in shame.It was still so fresh though it had taken place five years ago. When she had heard the news her disbelief and then her shame. The whispers today were nothing in comparison to what she had had to deal with on that day, in that moment, everything she had so fervently believed in had come crashing around her."And this was five years ago," Arnab confirmed and at the nod he got he didn't know what to think anymore.She was a confident, smart, logical girl. How come she hadn't gotten over it till now? Why had she kept all the emotions contained and let them change her? She was not bitter by nature and he knew it for a fact then why did she still feel bitterly towards her sister? Or her mother? It was clear from what she had just told him and what biji had told him in the afternoon that she hadn't talked about it with others, she had shut herself up. Something akin to what he had done but he was not bitter towards Nisha . She had chosen a life for herself that she thought was more suitable than her life with him and that was that. Mowri  didn't love Varun. Then what was the problem? So much pain. Why? How had she survived? He knew how. Her wit and anger had come to her rescue. She had made that deliberate shell around her to keep everyone away. To keep the external hurt at bay but what about the internal hurt? She hadn't done anything about it and ignoring it for so long thinking it would go away on its own was the worst she could have done and she had. Right now he was more angry with her than with her family or even her sister. What the hell had she done to herself? How could she have tortured herself with her past like that so much so she had changed? And for no fault of hers had decided to be called names, being called a shrew by one and all. He was sure she wasn't this way before. The glimpses he had seen of a carefree Mowri  were enough to tell him that she had been very different from what she was now maybe that was why Kulraj and Preeti loved her so much."And you are still living that hurt Mowri ," he said firmly, "why?" he asked sternly. "How could you let Simrit change the person you were? I don't get it. I understand you were hurt and maybe your family was least supportive towards you but you are so logical and rational I am unable to understand how you couldn't shrug it off especially if you weren't in love with Varun?" he said.He watched as she searched his face but he deliberately kept it blank. He couldn't let her see how much seeing her in pain affected him. He had been debating his decision of agreeing with biji and staying here the entire afternoon. He couldn't see her like this and he had asked himself ten thousand times why? Why couldn't he let her deal with her problems alone? But he couldn't. And not just because she was his wife and his responsibility but because she had become more than that. She was not just his friend she was....more. But he wasn't ready to give what he felt for her a name yet. It hurt him too. And he refused to cut her slack for this."You think I didn't try?" she asked her eyes fixed on his face.Arnab had no idea what she was looking for so earnestly but he heard hurt in her voice as she thought he disbelieved her efforts. Did he? Maybe not but he wasn't sure if she had tried hard enough. "Did you?" he asked keeping his tone neutral.Mowri  wasn't hurt at his distrust. She was justsurprised. She had expected him to take her wordfor it. But she knew it wasn't his fault. He had gone through another experience and though similar it was still very different. When the time came and he told her about it she wasn't sure how she would react. Would she ask him the same questions? Would she want to understand his reasons? He was trying though he was masking it well. With his blank face and neutral voice, she wasn't the old Mowri  who didn't understand, she heard just as well as what she saw. She heard his anger, his pain at what had happened today and everything that had resulted in today's events. And all on her behalf. But still despite knowing all of that she felt a bit angry at his disbelief."What do you think?" she asked stubbornly."I don't know what to think anymore Mowri ," he replied, "I am not saying you deliberately did not try to get out of it I am saying you did not try hard enough," he told her straightforwardly."You were married once Arnab ," Mowri  said, "and that ended badly. Whether it was your fault or her fault I don't know but tell me honestly are you over it completely?" she asked then without waiting for an answer went ahead. "I tried, God knows how much. Since the beginning, I wanted to have a good relationship with my sister, I wanted to have the same kind of rapport I had with Preeti so much so I never once questioned my mother about why Simrit was her favorite why not me or Preeti. I gave Simrit everything she ever wanted. I never once turned my back on her when she needed help. In return all I wanted was a little respect if not for anything I had ever done for her but just for the sake that I was her elder sister. Even expecting that much was too much for her. You think I have never tried to forget how she humiliated me in front of her friends calling me names, you think I haven't tried to shrug off my mother's indifference to all of this, you think I did not try hard enough to find one reason to justify Simrit's acts," she said then looked away, "I did. Every single time. Had she just told me she was in love with Varun I would have stepped back. It wasn't that important for me. I wasn't in love with him. But she deliberately didn't tell me, in full awareness of what she was doing she chose the date and time for her court marriage, knowing she would destroy me she went ahead with it. Not once did she feel repentant, not once she came and said she was sorry for what she did. Instead she rubbed it in every time we met, she was proud of what she had done. It wasn't easy Arnab . I tried. But it only became more difficult to let go," she said quietly. Then she looked at him and Arnab didn't know what he could have said to make it right. The anguish she had in her eyes at what her sister had done to her was too much to take. But he knew he had to get it out of her. Every last bit of it."Do you know how it feels when all your hopes for a good future come crashing around you the day they were supposed to materialize," she asked him. Had she been angry and hurled the words at him he was sure he would have taken it in stride but this sadness, he felt his heart break. "Can you remotely understand what I went through, in all my bridal gear and an engagement ring on my finger when my sister's betrayal was announced to me?" she asked again. He couldn't. He could never understand how she would have felt. He had faced betrayal too but it was a different kind. He had already been married and had seen what was coming to him beforehand. Funny, how he had never realized it before this second that he had already instinctually known his marriage with Nisha  was coming to an end wasn't that why he had landed in the hospital? He tried to concentrate on Mowri . He had to. She was important right now, too important. "Do you know how I felt when I saw them together without any remorse or shame? I was not at fault and yet I was made to feel I was responsible for what had happened. For days I was in a daze while everyone else celebrated. My family asked me to move on, what was done was done was what they said. Is it that simple? Is it that easy? My parents threw a grand reception the same day. For show they said. 'We have to keep the scandal from getting out of hand' was the response I got. There was nobody as I sat alone in my room hearing everyone celebrating. I kept asking myself what the celebration was about? Was it my final humiliation? What were they celebrating? The day they broke their one daughter's trust or the day their other daughter broke all records of self-conceitedness. 'The show must go on'," she said and smiled, "read it in Shakespeare, come to think of it if I was to quote that they wouldn't know what I was saying but they firmly believe in it. They were more worried about what people would say, what society would say, how they would view the other daughters of the family why couldn't they be worried about how the injured party was feeling in all of this. I was so alone, so worried, clueless as to where do I go from here? And there was nobody I could ask," she said and felt her eyes well up. "For days relatives talked behind my back, they would give me sympathetic smiles as if they understood but they didn't. And then suddenly biji wanted me to talk about my feelings, my emotions. Where was she when I needed her the most? She loves me, I know that but is it out of guilt that she couldn't do right by me. That she was lacking in her judgment. I don't know," she said sounding lost."Even today, she came up to tell me I should do right by Kulraj," Mowri  said as she took in a deep breath, "what about someone doing right by me. Simrit insulted me I kept my patience, then she insulted you and they still expected me to keep my patience, what about their behavior? Why couldn't anybody else stop her? Why was my mother listening to her spouting venom? Why didn't chachi ask her to shut up? Every single time why me?" she said stressing on every word and let her tears flow and still she continued to talk pouring out every emotion she had ever felt.Now that she had started she couldn't stop. She had no idea at what time Arnab took her in his arms and rubbed her back, she was lost to all touch, all sound and all reason. She just wanted to dump her train load of emotions on him and feel free. The best part was he was letting her."Why are the expectations so high from me? Why can't I misbehave every now and then? The alliances who came to see me started rubbing salt too as if Simrit wasn't enough and that was when I decided enough was enough. I will give them back what they were giving me. If they threw a stone I threw a brick, if they tried to make me stumble I pushed them right in to the ditch. Anger was the best defense I learnt," she said as she listened to his heartbeat, "and I kept fuelling it. Slowly people started staying away, I moved out because I couldn't stand being with Simrit in the same room on every occasion and festival as if all was well, as if everything was normal because it was not. I was not normal. I earned my reputation of a shrew, initially it bothered me but when I saw the effect it gave me a strange sense of satisfaction. Why should others have a last word and not me? It didn't matter anymore or so I thought," she said and sniffled, "but it mattered Arnab . I did not like being angry all the time. It gave me a high when I was in that mood but it started taking a toll on me. It frustrated me. My shell started suffocating me. I couldn't laugh anymore, I couldn't smile anymore. I couldn't trust anybody it felt restricting, it felt strangling, I was drowning in my own anger and pain and I couldn't talk to anybody. I kept suppressing how I felt and how I really wanted to feel and then I met you," she said, "and for the first time in so many years I wanted to trust again, I wanted to feel free but every time I tried to open up I felt choked, I am not distrustful by nature but my forced habit refused to give me the opening," she said and fell quiet.Arnab wasn't sure why she was suddenly quiet. She couldn't have fallen asleep while talking to him. He now understood how Mowri  worked. He knew exactly what she needed not what she wanted. He hugged her tight. How could nobody see how precious she was? How could her entire family overlook what she was going through and that included biji? She may have survived two world wars but if she couldn't see what her own granddaughter was suffering her experience didn't matter. How did everyone turn a blind eye to this? Because she hadn't thrown a tantrum or was it because she hadn't collapsed? Was that what they were waiting for? It would have happened sooner or later and he was glad things were out before that. She had been struggling with her anger, her pain, her loneliness, her emotions all alone and for five years no wonder the girl had trust issues. He stroked her back. He wanted to cry for her, for the young girl who had seen her dreams of a happy future be destroyed by her own sister. And why was her sister to be blamed alone? What the hell was Varun doing? He was engaged to one sister and had an affair with another shouldn't he be penalized for his actions? He knew what he was doing. Why couldn't he stand up and say I want to get married to Simrit instead of breaking someone's trust like that? But for that he had to be a man of principles which he was not. Arnab couldn't just lay the blame on Simrit for everything after all Varun was not a kid, hell, even kids had more sense than him.For now Arnab wanted to keep Mowri  safe so nobody could get to her that way again. If he had to find one positive in all of this he could only say she was better off than being married to a jerk like Varun. But he realized there was another big positive. Because of what happened she had been free to marry him and he was glad for no other reason than that. She would have been miserable married to an idiot like Varun. She stirred and tried to move out of his locked arms and he let her be."How do you feel now?" he asked her gently."Better," she whispered, "free would be a better word, I think," she said and looked at him, "thank you. I know you did not mean any of the words you said to me, it was only to get all of my jumbled thoughts out and I really appreciate it Arnab . If I had ever wanted a friend I am sure there could be nobody else to fit the bill," she said and smiled tentatively. Arnab smiled. He felt humbled. There was no other word to describe how he felt at her words which he knew were heartfelt. He tucked a loose lock of hair behind her ear."I would expect the same from you Mowri ," he said sounding a bit off balance which was rare for him but with so many emotions swirling around them he was bound to be affected by them too, "so what do you want to do now?" he asked.Mowri  looked confused so he explained."Do you want to go back to Pathankot or do you want to stay back at Ambala and attend the function? It won't be easy," he warned.Mowri  thought about it."I think I am done running for a while besides biji would never forgive me if I left the battleground," she said and smiled, "I guess I will stay," then she frowned, "but what about you?" she asked."What about me?" Arnab asked confused now."Everyone knows about your divorce and...would you be comfortable?" she asked.Arnab smiled. Typical of Mowri . She was always worried about him. Why? He wasn't sure but it sure felt nice."That was my status before I got married to you now officially I am a married man," he said, "besides I am sure after what you did to Simrit they wouldn't dare say anything to me," he said lightly and saw her smile, "also they have no idea Mowri  Malhotra has redeemed her shrewish qualities. So, I guess I am going to be pretty safe for now," he told her then on a serious note went on, "Mowri  remember one thing if you act as if nothing has happened trust me people will soon forget it and move on, as I understand human psychology the more you underplay it the better it is because when you do that people generally loose interest they only say things when they know it will affect you, no idea why they do that but...so stay calm and your natural self and all will be well besides I have no intentions of leaving you by yourself till the remainder of our stay here," he told her in a no nonsense tone and Mowri  burst out laughing.Though Arnab wasn't sure why she had laughed he was sure as hell glad she was returning to her normal self. And then she hugged him. It was unexpected. And for a second Arnab was a bit unsure before he hugged her back then she tilted her head back and gave him a kiss on his cheek."Thank you for being who you are Arnab ," she said, "stay the same. I am beginning to believe you are for real don't make me think otherwise," she said and he was reminded that he had used the same line in the morning for her."When would you quit using my lines?" he asked in mock anger."When the mood will suit me," she replied with a grin and Arnab couldn't believe his eyes. He had yet to see her grinning and she was doing just that. "Now let us get back before biji starts believing that we have run away," she said and straightened tying her seat belt.Arnab smiled and shook his head. Then he started the car and drove back towards the house. He hoped things would look up for her from here on. And he was glad they had finally put Mowri 's past behind them. She would recover with time but she was already on the road to healing and if he took care of her properly she would be just fine. It was him he was worried about. How would he react now that he knew the truth? Would he be able to see her family in the same light he had been viewing them before? How would he react if he encountered either his sister-in-law or her husband? Would he be able to keep the calm he was nowhere feeling? He didn't know and he glanced at Mowri  she was looking out the window with a faint smile on her face. The evening was going to be one big pressure test for both of them and he hoped they would be able to get through it.**********