Chapter 70: chapter 70

Arnab  was silently working on his laptop but paused from time to time to look up where Mowri  slept on the couch. He had returned from work just after noon and they had had lunch together with Jassi. Jassi had made food to last them at least two days. 'Home made food is better than restaurant food' she had argued and Arnab  had only shook his head. Then he had seen her all the way to her car when she had abruptly turned and hugged him and before he had asked her what or why she had told him to talk Mowri  and take care. He had understood what she had been referring to and that Harpreet must have spoken to her. After that she had left. Arnab  had come in and given Mowri  her medication after which she had fallen asleep again. He had gone upstairs and brought his laptop to work.His mind was preoccupied. He wasn't sure if Jassi had told Mowri  anything. From the looks of things it seemed she hadn't. But he needed to. He needed to trust her enough and tell her the sorry mess his life had been when he had been married. Who Nihal  Raheja was? Who Nisha  was? It wouldn't be easy he knew that but it was fast becoming apparent he wasn't being given a choice in the matter. And it would also make him feel better. It was getting difficult by the day to keep everything inside. She would understand. Just the way she had yesterday. When he had been feeling guilty she had understood and made him get over it in such an easy manner. Maybe talking was the key. He was still debating when he should talk to her when he saw her stir. Arnab  smiled. Every time she woke up she would make these strange sounds. He had gotten used to them now. She hadn't once complained about the discomfort or pain. How had he landed up with someone as strong as her? She opened her eyes and looked directly at him."How are you feeling sleepyhead?" he asked lightly."Tired," she replied lazily as she braced herself to get up.Arnab  raised his eyebrows."Tired of sleeping," she said and made a face.Arnab  laughed lightly. "It is not funny," Mowri  retorted as she sat up, "I am done sleeping. I haven't slept so much since I was a baby. What kind of life is this? Absolutely dull," she said as she complained, "I don't want to sleep anymore," she told him categorically."Rest is what is making you get better fast," he said as he closed his laptop and put it on the table, "tea?" he asked her."Coffee," Mowri  said."Sure," Arnab  replied and went into the kitchen. He heard her moving around and turned to find her going slowly towards the washroom.Soon the coffee was ready and he carried the two mugs to the living room. Mowri  came back."Can we sit on the back porch," she asked, "I am done sitting inside," she told him."Sure," he said, "one second," he told her and left towards the back door.After arranging the chairs he came back and helped her cross the distance outside. Mowri  took in a deep breath of fresh evening air. It had been a hazy day today. Winters were setting in and the sun was making haste to be on his way hence the shorter days and longer nights. It was only four in the evening but it seemed it was already six or something. But she liked winters better than summers. There were no houses behind their accommodation but fields and that gave them both privacy as well as a relaxed view. Though they had neighbors but they rarely sat outside. The back porch was covered with net along the balustrade to keep insects out as they sat. After Mowri  sat down Arnab  went inside again and got their coffees.As they drank Arnab  stayed silent. There was so much to tell so much to talk about but he didn't know where to start. Maybe that is how she had felt too. He could sense her gaze on him every now and then. He liked this silence. He was comfortable with it, with her in it."Is something bothering you Arnab ?" Mowri  asked quietly.Arnab  looked at her. She was so attuned to him. How? She always knew what to say, or how to say unlike him. Was it an inadequacy on his part? Or was it reluctance? He sighed."There is something I need to talk to you about Mowri ," Arnab  answered seriously, "it has been weighing on my mind since yesterday but...you had this accident and I want you to get better before I talk to you," he said honestly.Mowri  didn't know what to think. She had never seen Arnab  this quiet or tense. He had his moments every now and then but never this intense. What was it that had him so on edge? Was it also the cause for some of that extra gruffness she had experienced yesterday? Could be. But she had been so wrapped up with drowsiness and pain she had probably failed to notice the extent of it. She took in a deep breath wanting to ease his worry but not sure how."I am much better today Arnab ," she said slowly, "I have yet to see you this edgy, what is wrong?" she asked hoping that would compel him to talk to her. Frankly she didn't like him this way and whatever the cause for it she wanted it out of the way.Arnab  kept his mug down and rose to walk to the net grill as he put his hands in his pockets. He seemed to be lost for some reason. Mowri  waited patiently even though it was not her forte. She could sense the restless energy that claimed Arnab . And just when she thought he had forgotten she was here waiting for an answer he started talking."The first time I had seen her I had told myself I could never lay my eyes on a more beautiful person," he said and Mowri  wondered who he was talking about and then it clicked. Nisha  had been beautiful, though she had never seen her before but from what she had gathered from others and her little talks with her mother-in-law so Arnab  ought to be talking about her. Though it seemed strange for him to suddenly start talking about her like that. And she couldn't contain the twinge of jealousy she felt at the way he described her. But she kept quiet trying to clamp down on a rising feeling of alarm. What had Harpreet said that made him suddenly want to talk about Nisha ?"She was so graceful, her face a picture of innocence, her voice the sweetest sound you could ever hear, she was perfection," he went on unaware of the effect of what his words were having on Mowri , "and she had captured both my interest and heart in that very first meeting. I had never believed in love at first sight but I had to change my belief," he said and smiled cynically. Since Mowri  couldn't see his face she wasn't sure what expression he had. It frustrated her to just sit there and not be able to stand up and go to him. He was gearing up to tell her about himself, open up and she wondered what that would result in. "She seemed to be just as enamored. At least I thought so. She had been visiting with a friend whose father was a senior officer at that time and we clicked right away. Call it love, attraction or whatever else you want in that small span of time she became the world to me. She had been a local beauty queen and aspired to become a big name in the industry and I supported her ambition, her dream. Slowly my dreams, my hopes, my life started revolving around her. I was then posted in Srinagar. A young Captain I was doing well professionally, even on a personal front my family was pretty well to do so status, religion, caste nothing seemed to pose a threat to our happiness. Her father was a successful businessman in Chandigarh and when the time came we got married with everyone's blessings," Arnab  said as if he was there in that moment reliving those times again and Mowri  just sat there listening to him.How much had he loved her? She could hear the pain, the angst, the loss in his voice clearly. Did he still love her? Or was he just describing how he had felt then? It did make her feel a little bad. The description he had given of Nisha  told her how different she was from that woman. It sounded as if they were complete opposites in almost everything. Is that what had made Arnab  say yes? She couldn't help but keep the doubt out. Though it was misplaced she knew it and yet."Though mom had agreed reluctantly, maybe she had seen something I could never see till it had been too late," he said his voice devoid of all emotion, "but she had given in, for me. I wonder what if she had not given in? What if I had listened to her? Would my life be any different from what it is now?" he said and hung his head as he paused then straightened again. "You had asked me if I could remotely understand how you had felt when your life had come crashing around you on your wedding day and I couldn't answer because the day I had got married I was at the top of my world. To be able to spend my entire life with the person I loved, I could never even in my worst nightmare think it would end and it did," he said and shook his head as if unable to understand what had gone wrong.Mowri  bit her lip from crying out. She knew he was struggling with the memories. It was never easy to go down that lane. It was easier to just keep them suppressed in a dark corner of your mind and only because it caused so much pain. Her world had come crashing on her wedding day his world had crashed a few months later. Not a lot of difference but unlike her where she had become this tongue lashing, rude, angry girl he had become unsure, unconfident and guilt ridden especially where emotions or feelings were concerned and had still found the strength to stand for her. Didn't that say something? If she was to analyze it she was sure he had deliberately done that. It was not in his nature to be like this but he had consciously taken the blame. Why?"It was all gay and merry in the beginning," Arnab  went on, "I could see she didn't immediately blend in to the ways of my family but I never considered it as very important. In my stupidity I asked my mother to leave her be," he said ashamed at how he had acted, "she never took to Jay. His jokes, his laughs, his mischievous ways irritated her, angered her and then Jay distanced himself from her too. Dad had always been the kind to take his time with people and with Nisha  he found no matter how long he took he could still never get on well with her. In my happy bubble all was well if Nisha  was happy and I...I let her get away with her theatrics every single time," he said dejectedly. "Her late night parties, her friends, her beauty all came first and I found solace that I still managed to grab the fourth place. Every freedom I gave her she abused it. Every leniency on my part was taken for granted. She only took and never gave anything in return. Maybe it was not in her nature to give back," he said and sighed wistfully. "I am not condemning her Mowri ," he said, "I am not blaming her for whatever happened because I was equally responsible. And then the bubble burst. Slowly I started noticing how self-centered she was, how immature. If it was about her she was interested if not she was least bothered. There was no regard for anyone else. Mom tried to become a friend to her to make her understand that life was not all fun and play and that being married came with its share of responsibilities and she termed it as interference. So mom stopped. Soon the small squabbles turned into arguments and then huge fights. Before I knew situation was out of hand. In Srinagar with so many terrorist outfits at work there was least amount of security, a lot of clashes and active duty timings. I couldn't always be there at her beck and call. My work was suffering too and that was something I couldn't tolerate. One day I received a call from Jassi," he said quietly, "she was in a lot of pain and panic. She couldn't get hold of Harpreet at the hospital and she was scared something was going wrong. She was seven months pregnant then. I rushed to her place to find her on the bathroom floor doubled over and heavily bleeding. Her pulse was sinking fast. I carried her to the car and then to the hospital. By the time we reached she had lost the baby," he said with difficulty and Mowri  silently cried.She couldn't even imagine how Jassi must have suffered through those moments. No wonder Harpreet was so worried over her and she so much wanted this child. No woman should go through a pain like that though Mowri  had never experienced pregnancy but at the stage Jassi had been she must already been awaiting the arrival of her first child. She closed her eyes for a second squeezing them tightly and then opened them again."She was inconsolable, a mess," Arnab  said as if tortured by what he had to endure that day with Jassi and Mowri  sympathized with him. As it is being a male it was difficult to see something like that even though Jassi had just been a friend but the kind of man Arnab  was Mowri  was positive he must have been agonized too. "And it was part my fault," he said slowly.Mowri  straightened at that. What did he just say? It wasn't possible. How was he responsible? Jassi had told her how he had stayed with her through the trauma helping her when Harpreet hadn't been around and how she respected him for it. How his words and practicality had helped her through the trauma. Then why was he saying he was part accountable for it."I don't understand," Mowri  whispered but he heard her because he partially turned and she could see his profile and the tortured expression on his face. Her mouth opened then closed in shock."When Jassi fell the first person she called was Nisha ," he said painfully, "and she heard what Jassi told her even her plea to come help but at that time she was shopping and told her she couldn't make it, after Jassi couldn't get hold of Harpreet and the bleeding increased she called me," he said his voice devoid of any emotion as if he was past the pain and couldn't feel anymore, "I left almost immediately," he told her."I still don't understand," Mowri  said as she clamped on the rising fury for an insensitive **** that Nisha  was. How could she let Jassi be even after hearing that she had had a fall and that too in her seventh month? One never did something like that to even an enemy."Because I was with Nisha  at that time," Arnab  answered his voice breaking, "I had heard Jassi's voice but couldn't hear the words and though I had known Jassi didn't like Nisha  one bit I refused to ponder over why she would call her," he said guiltily.Mowri  realized why he thought it was part his fault. Because had he thought more about it maybe he would have called Jassi himself or pressured Nisha  into telling him why she had called and he could have been there on time and saved the baby too. Damn Nisha . But she could come later. For now she needed to help Arnab . He needed to understand he couldn't blame himself for someone's callousness. To hell with her foot Mowri  rose and stood on her two feet. She winced a little at how her foot protested then hobbled slowly to where Arnab  stood. She placed her hand on his arm and turned him to face her."You cannot blame yourself Arnab ," she said with conviction, "you didn't know. Had you known I am sure you could have saved the baby too but you did save Jassi. Don't you see you saved a life, she treats you as her hero. She still remembers the words you had told her that day, the words that helped her get through the trauma. I understand how you could find yourself to be guilty but you are not and Jassi and Harpreet don't place that blame on you either. Trust me Arnab  sometimes things are just meant to be," she said firmly, "sometimes no matter what you do situations turn for the worse. So stop holding yourself accountable for someone else's callousness. No matter how immature as a woman you do know what pregnancy means and how fatal a fall at that stage could be. If she doesn't feel remorse why should you," Mowri  said and looked into Arnab 's eyes to make him understand.He must have carried the blame for so long. Jassihad lost that pregnancy five years ago. Why did Arnab  had to be so caring? Why did he have to be so full of emotions? Yesterday too he was busy taking the hit when it had been nobody's fault. But she now realized why? Because that was who he was. A loving caring man. After the way he had given only one relationship all his attention, sidelining others he now felt accountable to keep everyone happy to atone the mistakes he had made in the past. But he needed to learn the divide between the mistakes he made and the mistakes others make. She saw a sheen of moisture in his eyes before he turned away from her again."That was when I started seeing Nisha  for who she really was," he started again in his strained strangulated voice, "and things went down the hill. I immersed myself in my work spending less time at home, away from her. She kept hurting the people I loved, I cared for and I let her drowning in my own guilt, taking responsibility for everything she was doing, blaming myself for making her a part of my life and forcibly making her a part of others' lives too. I don't know what I was doing why I was doing it? All I know is that I had thought maybe my indifference would make her see the light, that maybe she would change for the better, maybe she will become the person I had thought her to be. Because somewhere I couldn't just believe that I had been so wrong. I carried the hope with me that maybe just maybe she did love me. Pathetic, don't you think," he said angrily. "And then one day I found myself in a toppled over gypsy by the force of a hand grenade that had burst near where me and my unit were patrolling. In that moment I thought I had been punished for the mistakes I had made by not listening to my mother's advice, by letting Nisha  have her way every single time, by loving a creature like her. All my mistake and as I lay in the hospital with a broken leg and several small injuries she left," he said unemotionally, "for her father's birthday party and the next I knew she had filed for divorce citing my insensitivity towards her, how I didn't pay enough attention, how I almost always worked, how I valued other relationships over our marriage," he said and laughed derisively and Mowri  cringed."Can you believe it Mowri ," he asked then without waiting for an answer he went ahead, "and even then I gave her what she wanted. Freedom. Freedom from a life with me," he said, "you know what is funny, come to think of it you fared much better than I did. Your sister did you a huge favor. She saved you from a life of misery with Varun. You would have been miserable or maybe not," he said speculatively, "you are so full of warmth and back then you were probably not this spunky so you could have adjusted. The way you value relationships, the way you made my mother laugh, the way dad took to you instantly, the manner in which you never let Jay get away with all his jokes and took everything in stride you would have adjusted easily to any household," he told her without even looking at her and that hurt.She knew they weren't empty words. He must have observed her right from the start probably making sure he hadn't made another mistake. She could easily fault him for it but she couldn't. With his first experience where he had loved the girl, known her or thought he had known her here he had married a stranger he was bound to be untrustworthy but it still had the power to hurt her. For now she put aside her feelings though in her heart she felt for him. She had made anger her defense and he had made guilt. If one was to ask her she thought anger was any day better than guilt but after what he had told her he was bound to feel accountable. Nisha  had been his choice and there was no way around it."Arnab ..." she started but he kept his hand on hers where it was on his arm and she stopped."She remarried," he told her quietly. Whatever emotions that had ridden him for some time now seemed to have calmed down. "In two months of taking divorce from me," he said.Mowri  frowned. Why was it important if she remarried? It didn't matter. Another poor soul doomed was how she would see it. Then as she watched Arnab 's firm jawline and the tick of that nerve in his temple, she saw him swallow hard, his eyes watching something in the distance. There was more to this. Was it something to do with who she had married? She braced herself for whatever the answer was going to be."Who?" she asked guessing that was the last troubling bit in his past."Nihal  Raheja," he said tonelessly.Who the hell was he? She racked her brain. Did she know this person? Maybe not because the name didn't ring a bell. But before she could ask he answered her."My best friend," he said and finally looked at her.***********