I wish I never grew up.
Why? Because as we grew up, our world began to slowly fall apart. Then came all the problems that changed us.
Our parents stopped hiding their problems. Or maybe they never even hid them. We were just so in our heads that we didn't even notice.
But my mom always tried. She always tried to make my life better.
She tried to hide the things my father did to her and protected me from him as much as she could.
She didn't care what he did to her as long as he didn't hit me.
She tried to protect me from a broken world and I can never thank her enough for that.
But as she got older, it became harder for her to hide it.
When we were in the car she was talking to herself and I just sat there not knowing what to say.
She said things that were like a dagger to my heart. And I didn't know what to do to make it stop.
Sometimes we don't see how a person changes when we spend all our time with them, but I saw it.
This time I saw it.
I noticed how every day is more and more exhausting for her.
Wake up, make breakfast, go to work, come back, clean the house, prepare dinner and lunch for the next day, put our father who was unable to walk himself to bed, and go to sleep on the couch because she couldn't breathe the air in the bedroom.
And then again. And again, and again.
After a while, the problems she had on her shoulders began to fall on mine as well.
And then I lost her.
Well...a part of her anyway.
Each of us has something in life that destroys us.
Whether it's alcohol or cigarettes.
People who make us hate every single thing about ourselves.
Parents, friends, or other family.
Relationships that we try to save even when they cannot be saved.
We can starve ourselves for a figure or destroy our bodies with scars just to feel something.
Trying to impress others by doing something we don't want to do. To be someone we are not.
Hiding our very selves because we are not sure that others will like us.
Arguing with those we care about because we can no longer control our emotions.
There are three ways people deal with it.
They can face it all and start over. Try to live life for themselves and not others. To love everything about themselves, even if others don't like it.
However, most don't solve it that way. That's the second way. They stay quiet and let it consume them. Those people are just surviving and not living their life.
And then there's me. The third type of solution. Head in books and living in fantasies. In my own world that I created. A place where I can escape to.
One moment it's the best, and the next, when reality catches up with me, not so much.
"I wish you would pay as much attention to me as you are to that book." A man's voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
I looked up from the book and noticed that an unknown man was suddenly sitting across from me.
How long has he been sitting there?
"Hi." He smiled, showing a row of white teeth and dimples on his cheeks.
"Um, hi?" I looked at him confused. Do I know him?
"I'm Drew." He smiled at me. "I've seen you here before. This time I couldn't leave without saying hi."
"Lexi." I tried to smile and put my book on the table, bookmarking the page where I stopped reading.
"A beautiful name for a beautiful girl." His blue eyes slid down my body, at least as far as he could see, and then stopped at my chest.
Ew.
"So..." He looked up at my face with a smile, but it quickly dropped and I could tell by his expression that he was suddenly scared. "Um, you know what?" He laughed nervously. "Somewhere...I have to be somewhere." He pointed behind him and clumsily stood up, almost knocking over the table we were sitting at.
I watched as he nearly tripped over his own two feet before reaching the second entrance to this cafe.
A smile appeared on my lips. "You almost scared that poor guy to death." I tried not to laugh.
"Almost." I heard a familiar male voice behind me.
"You didn't reply to our messages." Another voice spoke up.
"That's because I was reading." They can't expect me to text back to them when I'm reading.
I turned in my chair and smiled at the three guys standing behind me.
Lincoln, who was complaining that I didn't text back, had his arms crossed over his firm chest.
Lincoln was the overprotective type.
He had dark brown hair that was shorter at the sides and a slight stubble on a sharp jaw. And even though he had a stern face, his eyes told a different story. He is happy to see me.
Jeremy, who was wearing a surprisingly -sarcasm- leather jacket, was the one who said: "almost". I strongly suspect that he also sleeps in that jacket.
His brown hair was slightly tousled, which many women liked as he had at least three on one arm everywhere he went. Another thing that women were attracted to were his eyes. One was pure blue and the other only half blue. The second half was brown.
I don't even have to mention his tattooed body. I don't know how he maintains it when he's constantly cooking.
And finally Luca.
Quiet like always, but the corner of his mouth was turned up.
His light brown hair was made to be played with. It was so fluffy and perfectly groomed. Any woman would want him for that alone, but unfortunately, that's not his type. You know, women.
The three of them stood there like the giants that they are. There aren't enough high heels for me to reach their eyes.
"I was wondering when your shadows would come." Ellie, the waitress, spoke up at the bar. "Can I get you something?"
"No thanks, El." Jeremy smiled at her and I swear Ellie blushed.
"Where are the twins?" I stood up and put the book in my bag.
"You would know if you read your messages." Lincoln pointed to my cell phone on the table.
"Sorry." I apologized, actually a little sorry I hadn't checked my phone.
"It's okay, isn't it Lincoln?" Luca nudged him with his elbow. "Look at them now." He gave me a reassuring smile.
I unlocked my phone and went to the group chat.
"Oh." I looked up from my phone when I read the texts. "I can't."
"Sorry, what?" Lincoln's eyebrows nearly jumped through the roof.
"It's Wednesday. I haven't been..."
"Jeez, how could we forget? Sorry Lexi, of course." Jeremy cut me off. "I'll give you a ride if you want."
"No, that's fine, but thank you." I smiled. "I'm really sorry. Tell Adrian I'll make it up to him."
"It's going to be something dumb anyway." Luca shrugged.
"Like last time?" Jeremy laughed. "I'll never look at Shrek the same way again. I'm disgusted."
"I really don't understand how he and Stefan are brothers." Lincoln grabbed his head. "Okay, off-topic. We have to go and see his stupid idea. We'll explain to him why you're not there."
"Buuuuuut..." Jeremy jumped up to me and put his arm around my shoulders. "You can at least walk us to the front of the cafe."
"Sure." I laughed and the four of us walked towards the exit. We waved to Ellie and walked out.
"Are you stopping by later?" Jeremy almost whispered.
I really thought about it. These people are my family and they always know what to do to make me feel better. But not today.
"Maybe tomorrow." I tried to smile.
"Sure thing." He winked at me.
"Text us when you get there," Lincoln instructed me. "I'm serious."
"All right." I laughed. "Have fun." I patted Jeremy on the chest, who gave me a quick kiss on my hair.
"Have fun babe." He joked which made me smile. "That's what I wanted to see. Smile Lexi, it suits you."
I was left standing in the middle of the sidewalk while the three of them walked in the other direction I was going with a smile on my face.
I stepped off the sidewalk after a while, across the street, and automatically checked my pockets to make sure I had everything.
I swear I always forget something. One would think that after it happens multiple times, I would learn not to leave anything behind, but that is not the case for me.
But obviously, I wasn't paying attention since I heard tires screeching. I turned my attention to the car that almost hit me. He just managed to brake.
I stood there like a doe when it runs in front of a car and for a moment didn't know what to do.
The guy, who was obviously upset, started throwing his arms around.
But I didn't move until he honked.
I ran to the other side of the road, but for some reason, I looked back at the car.
It would be better if he...
No. I stopped my thoughts.
I shook my head and turned left along the sidewalk towards the hospital.
Just a few minutes, Mom. I'll be there soon.
*****
"Please tell me you brought strawberry mascarpone cookies." Rachel, the head nurse at the hospital, greeted me with these words.
She had beautiful dark skin, short black hair, and a figure that other forty-year-old women could envy.
"Of course I did." I laughed and took out a container full of cookies from my bag. I opened it and showed it to Rachel.
"You are an angel." She walked over to me from behind the reception desk, took a cookie, and gave me a big hug. "How are you doing, sweetie?" She asked with a cookie in her mouth.
"Fine." I tried to smile. "How is..." I didn't finish the sentence and just looked at the door at the end of the hall.
I saw Rachel's smile drop immediately, so I knew the answer. "Nothing new. I'm sorry."
I'm sorry.
That is a sentence I hate to hear in this building. Even so, I tried to keep a smile on my face. It's not her fault. I don't want her to feel bad because of me.
"It's okay." I showed her to take another cookie. "I'll go see her."
"Of course sweetie. Stop by on the way out." She grabbed my shoulder tightly, took a cookie, and let me walk past her.
I walked down the hospital corridor, which is starting to feel like home to me since I'm here so often.
In the last three years, I spent more time here than in my own house.
I stopped in front of room 046 and knocked with a deep breath. A woman's voice called from inside, inviting me in.
I put on the best smile possible and went inside.
"Oh, hi." My mother smiled at me from the chair by the window.
Her red hair shone in the sun, her green eyes as well.
"Hi. Uhm...do you know who I am?" With a little hope in my heart, I hoped that she knew who I was.
"Um." She looked at me and frowned. "Oh, of course!" Her eyes lit up. "You're the cookie girl."
"Yes." My heart broke. "That's me, Mrs. Pierce." I tried to hold myself together and walked up to her with the container.
"Oh thank you, you are my salvation from hospital food." Excited, she took a bite of the cookie.
"Would you mind if I..." I pointed to the chair across from her.
"No, of course not, sit down." She pulled the chair closer to her.
I sat down and put the cookies on the small table by the window.
"Oh, I didn't even ask what's your name, honey?"
"Lexi." Your daughter, Lexi, who you don't remember.
Your daughter, who has been coming here for the past three years and always has to introduce herself to you.
"Oh, that's a wonderful name." She patted my hand on my knee.
"My mom really liked it." I nodded and looked into her eyes.
I shouldn't have.
It hurts.
It hurts when I look into her eyes and she only looks at me like I'm a stranger.
It doesn't matter how many times I tried to explain to her that I am her daughter. She always started screaming and had to be sedated.
"Why are you sad, honey?" She squeezed my hand.
When am I not? I don't even know which reason it is now.
"Boy problems." I lied.
"Oh, that." She laughed. "You know what I always say?"
Boys are supposed to ruin your lipstick, not your mascara.
"Boys are supposed to ruin your lipstick, not your mascara." She smiled. "If you cry because of him, he is not worthy of you."
"What if no guy is good for me then?"
"In this day and age?" She straightened up, her touch on my hand gone. "Find a woman."
I laughed and tucked a strand of hair that had fallen into my eyes behind my ear. "I'll think about it."
"I'm glad." She folded her hands in her lap. "Could I have one more or are they for the other patients?" She nodded her head at the cookies.
"No, they're just for you, Mrs. Pierce."
Oh Mom, why can't you come back to me? I miss you.