It bothers me how people come out of nowhere and tell me how I feel about my friend when I don't have the closest clue how to respond to them, because I don't feel any of what they're saying I do. They're all so sure, and I'm not.
I won't deny that Ariana and I are closer than the average friends, and do stuff that would make people think we're together â couple stuff. But I never thought about it because there was nothing to think about. And I never talk about it because it wasn't as deep to me as it obviously is for everybody else.
She's someone I would like to keep in touch with even after I go off to college, but so was Nate. She's kinda my best friend and sure I've thought of us being... more than that on rare occasions, but that's usually sometimes when I hug her, or I'm close to her in any way. And I'm not gonna say something in me hasn't changed since Thanksgiving and our 'almost kiss', because it has, but I've never sat and thought about it. We're both comfortable and it doesn't lead to anything going too far so we're fine. At least I hope it stays that way.
That was my night though, thinking over all the times someone has told me that I had feelings for her, and wondering if she has people telling her the same thing only with me. But I wondered if I did â have feelings for her.
I fell asleep before I could dwell on it too much because that would not be the best thing for anyone if I had a sudden revelation that would change everything.
I do respect her mother and her rules, mostly because she scares me. But I don't want to mess up what we have and end up not being a part of her life because of everyone else's words influencing my emotions.
And I'm about to leave in a couple of months anyway, I am not looking forward to a fresh relationship at all. I already know I'm going to have a hard time being away from her now, so us building any kind of romantic relationship would just make things worse.
"You're late," is the first thing my mother said when I entered the kitchen.
I groaned, "I know," I picked up an apple and sat across from her at the breakfast island, "My first block is boring anyway." I bit into my apple.
"Is it because Ariana isn't in that class?" she asked â more like stated â as she brought her steaming mug to her lips and eyeing me over the top of it.
Precisely.
"Not exactly," I lied, "It's English and the teacher is so monotone and flat. I've been trying to drop it and get a study sem instead. At this point, I doubt they're gonna let me, though."
"So when did she become your 'babe'?"
I folded my arms on the counter and dropped my head on top of them. I really thought I got out of this last night.
"Christian, if something's going on-"
I sat up, leaning back, "Nothing's going on, Mom. It's not romantic, it's just something to say. It's not like I call her that all the time."
She stared at me silently after that and I sighed, knowing she was trying to find out if I was bullshitting. "I'm not lying."
"You two are getting very close from what I'm seeing," she starts and I threw my head back, letting out a loud breath, then took a huge bite out of my apple, "It's not impossible for the two of you to want more and you know that," her voice came out a bit harsh and I righted my head to stare at her blankly, my jaw working as I ate, "And if anything escalates between you two and I find out, I am going to let her mother know."
My lips pursed and I crossed my arms, "That's known as snitching, Mom." I chewed out.
"I could care less what kind of insulting meaning you young people give it-"
"You're not that old, you know what it means."
"Watch," she paused, giving me a look, "Your tone with me." I muttered an apology and she continued talking. "Her mother happens to be a close friend of mine now and I respect how she intends to raise her daughter. You're my son and I expect you to respect her the same way."
"I do," I emphasized, leaning forward, "Which is why I'm being totally honest with you and telling you that nothing's going on." I looked away for a second, rolling my eyes at myself, "I'm not gonna lie, we can be too close sometimes, from what everyone says, but nothing sexual. No kisses, or weird touches. Maybe a few playful stolen glances, but that's just about it."
She nodded, "Drop the stolen glances."
I gaped at her, "Mom." I breathed out with an incredulous laugh, "C'mon," she gives me a look, "I can't give up my stolen glances, Mom. It's a part of who I am when-"
"Christian."
"Have you seen that girl?" I retorted.
She brought her mug to her mouth as she responded, "Obviously not in the same way you have. I'm not a cougar."
"Become one for one moment." I said firmly.
She sets her cup down, making a face, "Do you hear yourself?"
"Yes, and I'm going to hell, but-" I held up a finger and she looks away, letting out a low, disbelieving laugh, "She's everyone's dream."
"And you expect me to believe you when you say things like that about her?"
I shrugged, "I always hype her up, even when she's not around," I paused, "It's an equal amount to how much I insult her. Most of the time it's insults though, but you're trying to take away my stolen glances."
She shook her head, trying to hold back her amusement but failing terribly, "Get out."
"And she's gained a little weight," I nodded with a grin, "It suits her. She tries to cover up by wearing big clothes, but I see-"
"Christian, go to school."
"Okay," I chuckled, before I slid off the stool, biting into the last of my apple, "See you later," she nods, "And so you know, I don't make fun of her weight gain," I pointed at her as I'm backtracking.
"Mhm."
"I respect her that much," I added and she nods again, "But mostly because I like it-"
"Can you leave my house?"
I grinned, spinning around as I came to the kitchen's exit, "Bye! I love you!"
â¤â â¤
"We're adjusting our schedule for you, man. Friday at 10."
I shook my head, "No. You know my wife has strict policies and I'm not going if she's not going."
"No," Theon shook his head, "Y'all deadass married?"
I smirked as the others laugh, leaning against the wall and burying my hands in the pocket of my hoodie.
Obviously Ariana and I have taken this marriage thing way too far. And maybe I'm crazy but sometimes I do take it seriously. We've just gotten into the habit of it and it's hard to stop introducing her as my wife or referring to her that way. Sometimes we get glances and people have actually asked us if we're married and sometimes when we're up for it, we tell them yes. One example is right now, as a confused Theon glanced around our group while I ignored his question. We even confuse our friends, and it's fun.
"I know I'm not the only one here wondering if we should actually take them serious," he said, looking around at our group.
"They do throw me off one or two times," Carlos nods.
"Please, she's a minor," Amanda spoke up.
Julia rolled her eyes and my lips twitched, "So that doesn't mean you're gonna cancel our senior trip out to your dad's cabin are you?"
"Yeah, cause I doubt her mom's gonna send her on a trip with us for a whole week." Nate said, looking down by the thought.
"That's gonna suck," Jess stated, "Cause she always goes out with us."
I listened to them talk about how bad the trip would be without her, to which I silently agreed, and couldn't help but think about how miserable I would be if I don't convince her mom to let her come with us. We didn't plan on doing anything outrageous or illegal. There definitely wasn't going to be any alcohol or drugs, we all know how to have fun without substances being involved, but I'm sure her mom won't believe me. But I plan on dealing with that when the time comes around, or a couple weeks before just to be safe.
Ariana didn't know about it because it was something we all subconsciously agreed on without even speaking about it. We've been going there for a couple weeks during summer since the end of sophomore year, and a couple times throughout the school year, and we're all still here. No one got pregnant or died from alcohol poisoning or had to get their stomach pumped, which I'm proud of. I'm a very strict host, that's all there is to know.
Someone came up next to me and I automatically lifted my arm and wrapped it around the back of their shoulders. I was about to pull her into my chest when I heard someone say: "Dude, what are you doing?"
I blinked, coming out of my head, "Wh-" I jerked my arm away when I noticed it wasn't who I thought it was and stood up straighter to put some space between us, "S-sorry, I didn't realize-"
I stumble over my words, internally bashing myself for not picking up on it sooner. I was just so in my head, and I've been waiting for Ari and she always comes up to me like that. And the way Daniella was gaping at me had me chanting all sorts of curses in my head. The last thing I want her thinking is that I still have feelings for her or something.
I let out a breath before nodding to the other side of the hall and walking away from the group, running my hand over my hair. I was stressing out and I have no clue why. I'm just not in the mood for drama at this point in my life.
"Sorry." I apologized quickly and she shook her head, "I didn't know it was you and I was kinda zoning out."
She held her hands up while shaking her head, "It's fine," she reassures, "Probably just out of habit." She adds, ducking her head and I swear she was blushing.
"Yeah, I-" my hand waved nonchalantly as I nodded, "Thought it was Ari. Which makes-" I let out an incredulous laugh, "-no sense since you two are nowhere close to the same height, but like I said-" I waved my hand again, "I was out of it."
When I finally stopped babbling and looked back at her, she was smiling, but it wasn't in the way her face lit up. It was kinda sad and I forced my own, shoving my hands in my pockets as I realized how she might feel about that.
"You really like her, huh?"
I felt something constrict in my chest and I stepped closer to her, lowering my voice, "You know, everyone keeps saying that and I don't-" I stopped and shook my head, seeing her smile become more genuine as I continued talking, "I don't see it."
"Do you feel it?"
I opened my mouth to reply but ended up just shaking my head, "I don't know what I feel." I eventually got out, my voice getting lower.
"But you feel something..." she trails off.
I reached up to tug at the neck of my sweater, "I don't... know... I-"
She eyed me, looking a bit smug, "You're getting flustered."
"Well, of course I am," I hissed, "Everyone keeps telling me I have all these feelings I don't even know about."
"I guess it's not my place to say anything then." She shrugs, "You'll find out for yourself."
That was not what I wanted to hear. I wanted her to tell me if she thinks what everyone's saying is true. Because as much as I hate to admit it, she knows me better than most and if I could count on anyone's evaluation of my current situation, she would be one of the few I'd listen to, despite her being my ex and all.
I made a face, "Would you stop being vague and just tell me what you see." I demanded.
She choked on a laugh, "I'm not a fortune teller, Chris."
A loud throat-clearing sound pulled us out of our deep conversation. I looked over at my friends and they were all staring at us. That's when I realized we were pretty close, and straightened myself, taking a step back.
"I'd like to know what's so funny." Jess said, her eyebrows raised and I eyed her skeptically.
What's with her?
Movement caught my eye and I saw Carlos nodding to something â or someone. She was standing in front of him, her eyes on her phone â unlike everyone else's that were in this direction â along with her body being angled in a way that she didn't have to look in this direction.
Oh.
I felt something. The need to apologize, as if I was cheating on her or something. And it's ridiculous because as much as we joke about it, we aren't actually together and it's not like I was flirting with Daniella. The worst part about it is the sick feeling I had in my stomach at the thought of cheating on her or flirting with anyone else. It's weird and makes no sense.
"I actually came here to ask you something, but umm..." Daniella started backtracking and I turned back to her with a frown.
"What is it?"
She shook her head, "Oh nothing." She had a small smile on her lips.
"Da-"
"Forget it," she grins, then waves, "See you around."
"Oh... kay..." I trailed off, watching her make her way to the exit where I realized some of her friends were standing with looks on their faces as they waited for her.
I bit my lip as I turn back to my friends and started making my way over, noticing how awkward everyone was being.
"Hell was that?" Nate mouthed and I shook my head, turning my attention back to Ari as I made my way over.
She didn't look up once as I approached her and when I was close enough and peering at her phone, that's when she did.
"What are you doing?"
"Mind your business," she muttered with a frown, pulling her phone to her chest as she hid the screen from me.
I frowned back at her, "No. Who's that?"
She made a face, shaking her head as she looked away, "My baby daddy," she scoffed playfully.
I looked up at Theon who was leaning against the wall, looking down at his phone with a smirk.
"Stop texting her." I told her, not being able to hide the slight edge in my voice.
He looks up with a smug smile, "You's fuckin up, man." He pocketed his phone and crossed his arms, "Had to entertain her while you do that." he waved.
I shook my head, staring down at her again, "We were just talking-"
She shook her head, waving behind her, "Don't listen to him. You don't have to explain anything. You can talk to anybody you want. It doesn't bother me."
Yeah, but it bothers me.
"Stop frowning," she mutters, reaching up to poke my forehead, "It doesn't look good on you."
My expression didn't change as I responded, "Everything looks good on me."
"Aww..." she cooed, patting my arm gently, "And who told you that?"
I smiled, "You did."
That elicited low laughs and small chatter. I grinned at her gaping face.
She did tell me that and I remember the day perfectly. It was raining and I'd left my volunteer ID at home so we'd stopped at my place to get it before heading over to her side of town. I was wearing a grey shirt and the rain splotches were clear as day on it so I decided to change in a dark, navy blue one instead. I'd ask her how it looked and her exact words were: "Stop asking, you know everything looks good on you."
And right now, I'm very much enjoying her astonished expression as she sputters out, "I did not."
I shrugged knowingly, "Okay."
Not long after that, I heard everyone going back to their initial conversations, leaving me to irritate her in peace. I really enjoy doing that. She's just so cute when she's pissed.
She stared at my smiling face with her eyes narrowed, then she said, "I'm leaving you one day."
Once again, something in me stirred, and I took that literally. As if we actually have marriage papers signed and our possessions are gonna be split between the two of us one day. Maybe I am going crazy.
But instead of showing how much that affected me, I chuckled, "That's funny."
She smacked my hand away when I reached up to her hair, "Christian, I swear to God if you- stop." She had to smack my hand away again with a laugh and took a step back. She kept walking back when I started taking slow steps toward her. "Why are we still in here?" She wondered out loud since we were all still standing in the hall leading to the main entrance.
Our school had two halls that lead outside to the front parking lot and we were standing in the one that not many people use. I honestly didn't even have the answer to her question, but it was pretty cold outside and we were all dreading going out there.
I watched her with a smirk as she backs into the wall and jerked when she hit the hard surface. Then she started sliding to her right, chanting, "No, no, no, no," as I got closer, then she took off in the opposite direction of the exit, dropping her bag to the floor.
A hearty laugh spilled out of me as I took her in. She was standing in the middle of the hall, her hands on her hips as her chest rose and fell heavily, watching me thoroughly.
She was wearing brown boots that I heard her complaining about this morning, so I know she can't run very far in them. To make it worse, she was wearing some really tight light-washed jeans. I don't even know how she can breathe in those. But she topped those off with a pastel pink knitted sweater and a brown coat that fell as far as her calves. And I'm not sure if she thinks she's gonna get very far in all of that.
My girl's such a fashion icon.
"You know I'm a track star, right?" I called with a grin, smiling even wider when her head fell back and she groaned loudly.
I took that moment of weakness and slipped my bag to the floor quickly before going at her. I knew she was in the middle of saying something, but when she heard me coming she didn't even look at me before she turned and started running again and she would've gotten away if the double doors at the end of the hall weren't heavy metal and how many layers of bulletproof glass.
My arms slid around her waist when she was struggling to get the door open wide enough to get through, and she cried out, making weird noises and hiding her face when some kids on the other side of the door blatantly stared at us.
"Why are you even chasing me?" She wondered, not giving me a chance to respond before she added, "Chris I'm so uncomfortable right now, it's not even funny."
I chuckled, knowing exactly what she meant. I set her feet back on the floor and turned her so I could see her face, "Then why'd you wear the most uncomfortable pair of shoes and jeans you own at the moment."
She shrugs, "Cause I can."
"That's not healthy." I shook my head, but I was amused.
With a face, she responds, "Okay, can I be cute for one day?" My hand dropped to the side of her thigh and she tilted her head, smiling, "Honey," she drawled with a teasing look, "Let's not do this in public," she looks around dramatically and I felt her hand circle my wrist, "Or in school."
Smirking, I shook my head at her, "This just looks so uncomfortable, " I tried to pull the fabric away from her skin to no avail, "Can you even feel your legs?"
"Of course not," she eyed me, making me laugh, "But pretty numbs and all that."
I couldn't help my amused grin, "Not quite sure that's the saying, but you're already pretty."
She shoved my chest with a shy smile, "I know."
"So cocky," I shook my head despite my grin.
"Occasionally."
"Right."
We were both smiling at each other and I realized I had no idea what I'm gonna do when I leave for college, cause I can't imagine not seeing this smile everyday.