Chapter 20: Chapter 20

I had no objections to anyone stating that I was unstable – since in reality, I've been getting to thinking like that more and more lately. And quite frankly, it was getting rather annoying.

But whether it killed me or not, I wouldn't give Jesse the satisfaction of anything at all. Not only to wound his ego, but also, to prove a point – if I had fallen into a trance and said yes for him to drive me to school, he'd feel like he was dominant.

And I'd be damned if I gave him that right.

Though all in all, I had still been shaking – not only from the freezing weather outside, but after what he did. I had half a mind to touch my cheek again, but thought better of it.

I wasn't the stronger person anymore, having someone I was supposed to hate chase me around was the cause, clearly – but in a way I found myself to be mean also, since rejecting Jesse so much must have had an effect. Though not on him, but myself.

I looked up at the rows of books, secretly imagining what would happen if it toppled over – and created a domino effect on all of the bookcases.

Would it be so bad if I pushed it? And would it be worse if I got a camera to record it happening? Would I go to jail?

The sound of laughter erupted from the end of the aisle, and I threw my last thought away.

Knocking over a bookcase for your own amusement? How sick and twisted are you?

I looked down to the book on my lap, disregarding the few strands of hair that fell in front of my face when I inclined my head forward. That was until I realized that my hair was down, which was odd, since I left the house with it up.

I leaned back and tied it again, brushing my fingers through my hair, and then flinching when I let my hand trail down and linger along my cheek.

Get a hold of yourself, Carson. You're acting like a lovesick teenager, and it's getting kind of depressing.

I dropped my hand and continued to flip through pages of the book I had, only reading words here and there but never letting them sink in before I dozed off. All I knew about it was that there were vampires and then something about guardians.

It sounded promising...

"There you are." I turned to the sound, and dreadfully realized that the bastard knew where my secret refuge was. "If I didn't know any better I would have thought you were avoiding me."

I looked down, away from his face, and muttered to myself, "It was good while it lasted."

He sighed, not seeming to have heard what I said, and settled on the floor beside me – making it a point to touch me. Such an act had me wanting to cower away, no matter how much I thought about this morning.

I tried not to make it seem as if I noticed, but either way, I shifted so that I could sit facing him instead of just next to him. Letting myself look at him for a second, I could easily tell that he didn't like that I moved, but he let it go and didn't comment on it. "What is that about?"

I followed his gaze to the book in my hands, and decided being a jerk was my calling in a time like this. I made my voice like Katrina's, soft and at ease.

"Well, it's about a girl in high school – she used to be happy, but then this idiot guy had to come in and ruin it," I was trying my best to refrain from laughing at his expression. "He follows her everywhere, thinking that by some slim chance she'll give in and they'll live happily ever after. But, she knows all he's really planning is just to treat her like all the others. So she tries to ignore him, but the bastard doesn't get the message."

There was silence, up until Jesse cleared his throat, adding a smile to shield his sudden bewildered expression. "Uh...must be a good book then."

I smiled, not amused in the slightest at my life story. "No. It's not."

His eyes met mine, all trace of humor and faint awkwardness gone in a second. "Why do I get the feeling that you're acting like this because of this morning?"

I shrugged, trying to make a straight face. "That's probably because I am acting like this because of this morning."

"Why?"

"Because I didn't want you to do it."

"Get over it, Carson. It wasn't even a real kiss."

"It was close."

"But it wasn't."

I scowled, and raised the book again, reading the words with so much focus that I was sure they were going to be branded in my head.

He sighed again, leaning forward and waving a hand in front of the book. "You can't just ignore me while I'm sitting right here."

Oh, but I can. Believe me when I say I can.

"Carson?"

I kept on reading.

"Come on Carson, seriously?" I almost smiled at his impatience, but let it fade from an idea before it could show. Though, I could only manage a small gasp when the book on my lap was shoved away from me – and I watched with wide eyes as it slid across the carpet and collided against the wood of the bookcase across from me.

I stared at it only because it slid...on the carpet.

"That's school property I hope you know." I shot him a look and leaned forward, moving to get the book.

I felt a hand stop me by grabbing my wrist. Turning to Jesse, I saw he was fighting a smile, but trying to look as solemn as he could at the same time.

"I shouldn't have done what I did this morning, but...I mean, you didn't stop me."

I gagged, taken aback that I couldn't come up with a good enough comeback on time. "I—well, you...took me by surprise—"

His smooth voice cut me off. "No, I didn't."

I had paused, thinking of anything to say except a silly 'shut up'.

My eyes shifted back up when he spoke again. "To tell you the truth, I wonder what would have happened if I actually kissed you."

I blinked a few times, trying to imagine the peace I would have felt if he didn't just say that. "You wouldn't have."

"Why is that?"

"Because I would have killed you."

A moment of weakness resulted in the hold he had on my wrist to slip, and I pulled away, picking up the book from the floor and standing up to put it back in the bookcase.

After a moment of silence, he started to talk again. "So you didn't like that book? I'm sure the girl stayed with the guy in the end if you would have kept reading it."

I looked down at him, letting the stare drag on as our eyes met. "How would you know? Have you read it before?" Relating matters like this to his past lovers was probably only funny to me, since his humorous expression seemed to fade again.

"No. I've never read a book in my entire life." He turned away from me, staring forward and fidgeting with his fingers in front of him.

I pressed my back against the bookcase, crossing my arms and turning to see if anyone had saw us. When I saw no one, I sighed in relief.

Concerned about your reputation? Now look whose being the bully.

"Carson?" I turned slowly to look at him, when he saw my face he took it as a sign to continue. "Do you hate me?"

I let my gaze drift back to the poster on the border of the bookcase across from us as I answered. "No."

I could feel him smiling.

"Was that so hard to say?"

My stare morphed into a glare, and I shot it right at him. "Yes, very."

He rolled his eyes, but still smiled to himself. "Why?"

"Because – isn't it obvious?" He turned to me, surprised by my tone. "You treat your friends like tools, and the girls around you like dirt. It's childish and stupid. That's another reason why I hated you."

"I don't treat you like dirt." My gaze softened. "You want to know why though?"

I didn't answer, so he stood up – making me feel tiny in an instant – and spoke. "You know how to put me in my place. So if anything, I feel like dirt most of the time."

I turned away from him again, taking in the people who were coming in and out of the library.

How can I possibly respond to that?

In my peripheral vision, I saw he had moved toward me.

"I like your hair." Unexpectedly, I made a face. I was about to turn to him, but a second too late, and the band holding my hair up was pulled out and it came loose. "But, honest opinion, you look hotter with it down."

My eyes widened, and I shifted my gaze to the material in his hand and then to his face. Deciding to take the best course of action, I walked away – out of the library and ignoring the sinister scowl that the librarian gave me the entire time.

~*~

"You're an idiot."

I sighed. "I know."

"No, but what makes you an idiot – is that you're being his little doll, and not doing anything."

My sharp gaze turned to Katrina. Being called an idiot didn't make me mad, but practically calling me one of Jesse's 'toys' did. "And what would you suggest I do? I've tried everything: from hitting him, to ignoring him, and then to vandalizing his car. I'm telling you, he's stalking me – and to top it off, he's bionic! Nothing can hurt him!"

She sighed, running a hand through her reddish hair. "I don't know what to say to that, I mean, I would say to just avoid him – but you said he's stalking you, so..."

I rubbed my forehead with my hand, closing my eyes for a second – flustered to say the least.

"If it was anyone else, you'd be happy wouldn't you? Who wouldn't want someone chasing after you? Especially someone like Jesse—"

She cut herself off when she looked at me again, seeing the annoyed expression I developed when she mentioned his name. "Anyone else," I agreed for her sake.

A smile appeared, and she leaned against the border of the giant window in front of us. Her pixie-like voice reached my ears again as she gazed out the window, staring at him. "What're you going to do?"

I looked up through the window facing out to the courtyard and spotted Jesse near a bench with his friends. As to why they were out there in the cold was beyond me, but I suppose the girls around them didn't seem to mind. I watched how they lingered around Jesse, desperately trying to catch his attention. That was what made me envy them.

Only because they were trying to talk to him so badly, yet while I wasn't even trying, he still found me interesting.

But then an idea hit me like a slap in the face.

If he didn't like the girls who were chasing after him, what if somehow – someway – I started to act and dress like that?

I allowed myself to keep staring, taking in the way the girls around him swayed their hips – but not enough to say that they were playing with an invisible hula-hoop.

My gaze turned to Katrina, with a hint of a smile playing on my lips. "I have an idea."