Chapter 40: 15: A Sanctuary Lost

SHAY

Shay cast her gaze around the room, letting out a sigh. This place, her studio, was her sanctuary. It was the one spot where the kids were off-limits, the one place that still held a piece of her old self.

It was her creative haven, where she conducted her photoshoots and let her imagination run wild. She knew this was a temporary situation. She was aware that she’d return to her studio once Ethan’s place was ready, but the thought saddened her.

It was a stark reminder that she needed to build a guest house on her property. Her brothers had been nagging her about it, but she’d never made the effort. Somehow, she’d convinced herself that she didn’t need a guest house.

But with Ethan taking up residence in her studio, she realized the necessity of a guest house. Now seemed as good a time as any to start.

As she began to rearrange her belongings, she knew she had to make room for Ethan. The studio was about eight hundred square feet, complete with an attached bathroom, a king-sized bed, and a few pieces of furniture. She moved some of the boxes she kept for storage.

She made her way to the clothes rack, pulling off some of her clothes and folding them neatly. She repeated the process, placing the folded clothes carefully in a box.

~Knock knock~.

“Can I come in?” a voice asked.

She turned to see Ethan standing there.

“Sure, make yourself at home,” Shay responded, nodding her head.

Ethan nodded back, dusting off his shoes on the mat before stepping inside.

“I’ve tidied up a bit, and I cleared out the rack for you,” Shay informed him.

“Thank you,” he replied, setting down a bag.

Shay nodded absentmindedly, continuing to pack away some items. Ethan looked around, taking in the sight of her things. It wasn’t messy; everything was well-kept. It was almost a replica of her previous apartment, with a few additions, like a new shelf filled with her favorite books.

He walked over to the shelf, examining the books she had. Shay moved some boxes to the side, making sure her sample items were neatly tucked away.

“You kept your medical books?” he asked.

“Yeah, I still read them in my free time,” she replied.

“Wow.” He pulled out one of the books and flipped through it.

“I really wanted to be a doctor,” Shay confessed, the memory of why she’d stopped studying premed resurfacing.

“Yeah, I remember,” he said.

She nodded, letting the conversation hang in the air as she lost herself in thought.

“Do you still study it? You made notes?” he asked, flipping through some of the pages.

“Yeah, sometimes I read them and choose to study them. I still enjoy it,” Shay admitted.

Suddenly, she heard the patter of little feet. She turned to see the twins standing at the door, their eyes wide with excitement as they looked at Ethan.

“Dad!” they cheered.

Shay’s eyes widened in surprise. She hadn’t known they referred to him as ‘dad’. Not that she minded, but it was unexpected.

“Hey, go play for a while. Let me talk to your mom and I’ll come,” he told them.

They nodded and scampered off.

“Since when?” she asked, still in shock.

“They called me that once before. I didn’t think it would stick,” he said, turning to face her fully.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

She stared at him for a moment before nodding.

“Yeah, but maybe I need to talk to them,” she said. She needed to clear the air with the twins. She hadn’t had the chance to talk to them before Ethan moved in. She was still processing the fact that he was staying with her, not daily, but long enough that she needed to sort through her feelings.

Without waiting for his response, Shay left the room. She saw the twins heading back into the house and followed them. She didn’t know what she was going to say, but she knew she needed to talk to them. She was worried that with Ethan moving in temporarily, they might think it was a permanent arrangement.

“Eli, Liam,” she called as she approached them in the living room.

She caught Jo’s eye, and Jo seemed to understand. She retreated into the kitchen with baby Nate in her arms.

“Mama,” Liam responded.

“I need to talk to both of you,” Shay said, sitting down on the floor in front of them.

They looked back at her with wide eyes, their toys lined up in front of them.

“You know that Ethan is moving in, right?” she asked.

They nodded.

“Into your studio,” Eli added.

She nodded slowly, reaching out to stroke their cheeks. Eli’s arm was still bandaged, but it was healing.

“Yes, into my studio,” she confirmed. “But you guys know it’s only temporary, right?”

“Why?” Liam asked in a small voice.

“Because Adam and I are married, and Ethan is buying the Anderson’s house,” Shay explained calmly.

“But Ethan is our dad,” Eli reasoned.

“Yes, that’s correct,” Shay agreed. “And Adam is Nate’s dad, and Adam and I are married,” she tried to explain.

“Why can’t you marry Ethan? He’s our daddy,” Eli asked.

Shay swallowed hard, feeling a lump in her throat.

“It’s not how it works, baby,” she said gently.

“But he’s our daddy, and Adam is not,” Eli protested.

“Yeah, Adam is not. I want us to be a big happy family. I don’t want Adam,” Liam cried, tears streaming down his face.

Shay felt a pang of sadness.

“Boys,” she began, sighing.

“Why can’t you be with our daddy?” Eli pressed.

“It’s complicated. Maybe when you guys are older, I’ll explain,” Shay said, trying her best to explain.

“No!” Eli yelled, surprising her.

“Eli,” Shay sighed.

“No, Mama!” Liam echoed his brother.

“Eli, Liam,” Shay said in a gentle voice, trying to calm them down.

“I want you to be with our daddy! Ethan is our daddy and Adam needs to leave!” Eli said, his voice rising in anger.

“I don’t want Adam here anymore!” Liam chimed in.

“Boys, please!” Shay’s voice echoed through the room. “Adam’s been nothing but kind to you both,” she defended, her voice laced with desperation.

“No! Ethan’s our dad! He’s the best and you’re just…you’re just awful!” Eli’s words cut through the air like a knife.

“Elijah!” Shay’s voice was a warning, but it fell on deaf ears.

“I wish you weren’t our mom!” Elijah’s words were a punch to the gut.

“We want Ethan! He’s our real dad!” Liam’s voice matched his brother’s in intensity.

“You’re the worst mom ever!” Eli’s words were a tantrum, but they hit Shay like a physical blow. Her chest tightened, her stomach churned, and her face contorted in pain.

“Go to your rooms. Both of you are grounded,” Shay managed to say, her voice steady despite the turmoil inside her. The twins didn’t hesitate. They bolted upstairs, leaving Shay alone with her thoughts.

She felt her resolve crumble. As she stood, her eyes welled up with tears. She noticed Jo in the corner of the room, her eyes filled with understanding. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Ethan standing outside.

Shay shook her head, her heart heavy. She rose from the floor and walked out into the backyard, tears streaming down her face. She felt a deep sense of shame, but she couldn’t pinpoint why.

As she walked past the swimming pool, the twins’ words echoed in her mind, over and over again. Suddenly, a sharp pain in her stomach stopped her in her tracks. She looked down, her hand instinctively going to her belly.

Another wave of pain hit her, causing her to wince. Something was wrong, she knew it. She wiped her tears with her free hand, trying to make sense of what she was feeling.

She felt something warm trickling down her legs. Looking down, she saw that her pants were wet. She was bleeding.

“Ahhhh!” she cried out in pain, doubling over and clutching her stomach.

“ETHAN!!!!!!” she screamed, his name the first thing that came to mind.

“ETHAN!” she called out again.

“Shay?” His voice was filled with alarm as he ran toward her.

“Ethan!” she cried out his name once more.

“Are you okay?” he asked, reaching her side. He helped her up, his eyes widening as he saw the blood on her hand.

“Help me, Eth,” she pleaded, her voice barely a whisper.

“We need to get you to the hospital,” he said, his voice steady. She nodded, fear gripping her heart.

“Everything’s going to be okay,” he reassured her. “I’m going to carry you, okay?” Without waiting for her response, he scooped her up in his arms.

Despite her fear, she felt safe in his arms. She clung to his shirt, her eyes filled with tears. He carried her back into the house, where Jo’s eyes widened in shock.

“Take care of the twins. I’m taking her to the hospital,” Ethan instructed Jo, who was holding Nate.

“What happened?” Jo asked, her voice filled with worry.

“I don’t know,” Ethan replied.

“I need my phone,” Shay whispered, her voice faint.

“Where’s her phone?” Ethan asked, urgency in his voice. Jo quickly retrieved it for him as he carried Shay to his car. He gently laid her in the back seat, where she curled up in pain.

Ethan disappeared back into the house, only to return moments later with her phone. Without a second thought, Shay dialed Adam’s number. She didn’t care about anything else, she just needed to hear his voice.

But all she got was his voicemail. She tried calling him again. Voicemail. She dialed his number a few more times, but each time, it went straight to voicemail.

He was ignoring her calls. She locked her phone and clutched her belly, the pain coming in waves.

“We’ll be at the hospital soon, okay?” Ethan said, glancing back at her. She nodded, her eyes meeting his.

And just like he promised, they arrived at the hospital in no time. Nurses rushed to her side, helping her onto a gurney. They asked her a flurry of questions before everything went black.

~

The steady beeping of machines brought her back to consciousness. As her eyes fluttered open, the memories came rushing back. She reached for her belly, panic setting in.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” a familiar voice soothed her. She turned to see Ethan, his hand reaching for hers.

“I’ll get the doctor,” he said, but she shook her head, gripping his hand tightly.

“The baby?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper. The room fell silent, the only sound the steady thud of her heart.

He shook his head slowly, squeezing her hand in response. She nodded, her gaze fixed on the wall ahead, her body numb.

“Adam?” she asked.

“I couldn’t reach him,” he replied, and she nodded again.

With her hand resting on her now empty belly, Shay felt a profound sense of loss. She stared blankly ahead, her mind racing. The doctor came in, introducing herself before explaining what had happened.

“We’ve removed the fetus. You can be discharged in a few hours. It’s a good thing your husband brought you in when he did. I’ve never seen someone hemorrhage so badly during a miscarriage,” the doctor said.

Shay didn’t bother to correct her. Ethan wasn’t her husband. But that seemed insignificant now.

~

~You’re weak~

~

~You’re useless~

~

~You’re a terrible mother~

~

~You’re a slut~

~

~You’re the worst mother~

~

~You couldn’t even keep a baby inside you~

Worthless.

These words echoed in her mind, a cruel reminder of her perceived failures. They were words she believed to be true, words that would haunt her for a long time.

“We offer psychiatric help if you need it. Just know that this isn’t the end. We’re here for you,” the doctor said before leaving the room.

“Are you okay?” Ethan asked, their fingers still intertwined. He squeezed her hand, trying to offer some comfort, but she didn’t squeeze back.

Instead, she found solace in the warmth of his hand. Shay was consumed by guilt. Her mind was a whirlwind of self-deprecation, reminding her of her perceived failures as a mother.

With her twins hating her and the loss of her baby, she felt like she was drowning in self-loathing. She couldn’t help but wonder if it was all true. Did she lose the baby because she was a terrible mother?

Was this some sort of divine punishment? Did she not deserve to be a mother? Shay felt the weight of depression settling in.

Several hours later, Shay found herself lying next to Ethan, her gaze fixed on the ceiling. They were both silent, a quiet space for her to grieve the loss of her baby. Adam was nowhere to be found, but Shay didn’t care.

She was exhausted, and all she wanted was to mourn in peace. She was grateful that Ethan didn’t push her to talk.

Ethan’s voice broke through her thoughts. “We need to go,” he said.

“Huh?” she responded, confused.

“I’ve taken care of all the paperwork. It’s time to get you home,” he explained.

“What time is it?” she asked.

“Two a.m.,” he replied.

She had been there longer than she realized, and Adam was still missing. Shay nodded, slowly rising with Ethan’s assistance before settling into the wheelchair.

He guided her to the car and drove her home.

The ride was quiet, a silence Shay appreciated. She slipped into his jacket, the hoodie reaching her mid-thigh.

She snuggled into the fabric, inhaling his scent, finding comfort in it.

When they arrived home, the lights were still on. Through the window, she spotted Adam in the living room.

She sighed, rolling her eyes.

Seeing Mr. Smith’s car in the driveway, she knew Jo was there, and Mr. Smith was still in the house.

Ethan parked the car and helped her inside. Adam noticed them and opened the door, his eyes filled with worry.

Jo stood behind him.

“Thank you, Jo,” Shay said, acknowledging Jo’s help with the kids.

“What happened?” Adam asked, trying to approach her.

Ethan kept her close, supporting her.

“Where were you?” Shay asked, her voice shaky. Her legs were weak, still recovering from the loss of blood.

“What happened?” Adam repeated, reaching out to touch her.

She backed away, shaking her head as Ethan held her steady.

“Where the hell were you?” Shay yelled, tears streaming down her face.

Adam recoiled at her outburst.

“Shay,” he said softly.

“Ethan,” she said, her voice barely a whisper. He held her tighter.

“Can you sleep in the living room tonight? I can’t make it up the stairs and I don’t want to be in my room,” she asked.

“Of course,” he replied without hesitation.