"Hey," I said as I answered the door, seeing a shivering Keon out in the cold. I felt a tugging at my heartstrings, but then shook my head to clear out the feelings. No more drama. Maybe today I could simply have fun with my new.... friend.
"Hey, look I'm so--" I held my hand up, casing Keon to silence instantly. Like me, I knew he didn't even really like talking in the first place, much less admitting mistakes and apologizing. He gave me a grateful half-smile, but his steely blue eyes watched me hesitantly.
"Let's just forget about it, okay? I have too much going on right now to worry about that kind of stuff. Do you just wanna... I don't know... watch Disney movies or study for class or something?" I asked. Keon's smile grew, exposing his lip ring I hadn't noticed he was biting the entire time. When Keon nodded, I reached across him to shut the door, took his hand, and led him into the back yard.
After running upstairs to grab my books and tell Josh he was welcome to join us (note that the arrogant prick only smirked and told me have fun but not to get pregnant again), I joined Keon on the back patio overlooking the ocean. Handing him a knit blanket, we both settled at the deck table with my Adult Living book and his notebook. We both had that class at different hours and thought maybe it would be a good time to study for the test on Friday, since, being nerds, we had both already did our homework due the next day.
"I wonder if Josh even completed the essay yet," I said casually, snuggling up in my soft blanket. Keon chuckled and began writing up the note cards.
"Well, bare in mind Josh actually has a social life and works out a lot. Unlike us," said Keon, making me laugh. It was true, I hadn't even lifted weights in over a year. Even before the pregnancy a little bit of belly pudge was forming, but I had never really worried about this because my mom used to be chunky and I always thought she was beautiful. Well, before the plague she was chunky. Images of my mom on the scale complaining about her thighs came flashing in my mind, and before I knew it my smile disappeared and I was fiddling with the note card nervously.
Keon must have noticed my change of mood, so he took a break from writing note cards to eye me calmly yet with concern, his blue eyes probing my face. I looked up to meet his eyes and noticed they were the same color as the ocean on that cool, dreary day-- grey, light blue, and, unfortunately, a little bit lifeless despite rolling across my face the way the waves rolled toward the mansion. Shaking my head, I looked back down shyly. It was hard for me to make eye contact sometimes. Being able to see that side of a person while simultaneously revealing my own thoughts made my knees quake. Too vulnerable.
"Something wrong?" asked Keon, as if reading my mind. With a sigh, I pushed away my anxiety and made the executive decision to be honest. I didn't have a lot of people left in this world I could trust; at least with Keon, I could begin building something.
"Just missing my mom. It hits me sometimes, out of nowhere," I confessed. My eyes found their way toward the ocean, and the rolling of the waves hypnotized me, calming those fluttery parts in my chest.
"Yeah, I understand... To an extent, I suppose, um," Keon said, his eyes joining mine before gazing out at the ocean as well. Sparing a glance, I could see the reflection of the grey waves rolling around his blue eyes, and in that moment, I swear, I could feel a push and pull toward him. Josh may have been the stars to me, shining bright above-- so close, yet to unreachable-- but Keon was the ocean. Keon was deep and mysterious, yet full of a cold, tumultuous kind of life that drew you to him. Both men were equally confusing, terrifying, and beautiful in a way.
"You suppose?" I said, returning to the conversation to distract myself from my thoughts. Keon shrugged, looked down, and played with his hands, before glancing back up at me, then back to the ocean, nervousness taking over his micro movements.
"Yeah um... Was never really close with my parents or really anyone... I used to have a grandmother, I guess. I took care of her house before the plague, but we mostly read together. She understood me, you know? My whole family was kind of quiet... So we didn't really try to get to know each other that well," Keon fumbled. After that, he paused, and a comfortable silence overtook us, with only the sound of the ocean to communicate with us. With each crash of the waves, I processed his words, mulling over what he said. I knew families like that-- the kind that simply coexisted together, not the kind that fought, and loved, and spoke with a fire. I hadn't lived in that kind of household, as both my parents coddled me and made me talk about the things I kept bottled up from the others at school. That was part of the reason I was so shy-- I could talk to them, two people that adored me, about anything, so there was no reason to involve that many other people at school with my private thoughts. Still, Keon was the other kind of shy person-- the self sufficient kind.
"That's okay. I've met people like that," I said at last, deliberately forcing myself to look at Keon "Not a lot of people would admit that though. Everyone right now is either grieving or pretending to grieve." At this, Keon scoffed.
"Yeah, I hate that whole pretending thing. Don't get me wrong, I miss my grandmother, and I regret not getting to know my parents more... But after they died, I didn't fall apart," said Keon. The last part made me whince, remembering the several weeks I was out of commission-- the long days in my bed, the panic attacks, and the bed sores. Keon noticed this and reached out, brushing his hand over mine before thinking better of it and pulling away.
"Sorry," he mumbled, closing in on himself.
"Don't be. I like honesty. And Keon, I'm glad you didn't fall apart. At least I had Josh and Cally to care for me... Up until now, you didn't have anyone," I said carefully. Keon's shoulders straightened and he looked at me with blue eyes wide. A little light touched them now, making them not so cold, but inviting. They were the kind of cerulean sea that a mermaid would frolic in, not the cold, grey ocean below the deck. The whole change made me grin.
"Are you saying I have... someone?" said Keon. I couldn't help but chuckle, covering my laugh with my palm. Nevertheless, Keon watched me intently, like a puppy wagging its tail watches its owner.
"Of course you have me, Keon. And Josh and Cally.... we all love you man. Really, I'm so glad I got to meet you," I said. Suddenly, I was bombarded with a hug, to which I stiffened a little, my hand protecting my belly. Keon pulled back, examined my hand, then hugged me a bit more gently. I hugged him back and when I went to let go, he was still holding me. After a moment, I felt something warm on my neck,and Keon sniffed.
"Keon, are you--"
"No," said Keon, but still he didn't let go. A bit roughly, I pulled away, and Keon wiped his eyes furiously with a huge blush on his face.
"Keon, it's okay, I don't mind if you cry. Is something wrong?" I asked. The wind blew across us, making Keon's hair move, and even though the wind blew our notecards away, neither of us got up to retrieve them.
"It just means a lot to me, Adira... i... The night of that party, it was one of my last nights. I've been really, really sad... I was going to kill myself," admitted Keon. I gasped, but it didn't even feel like I did it-- rather it felt like someone else gasped, as I felt so detached in that moment.
"I know kissing you was an ass thing to do, but I love you, Adira. It's not the romantic love-- heck, it's not even quite a friendship love. I love you for saving me. You, and Josh, and Cally have taken me in... You don't understand how grateful I am to have that..."
In that moment, it all made sense. The affection, the smiles, and emptiness in his eyes-- Keon was hurting just as badly as the rest of us, but he was a master at keeping it hidden. I, of course, was attracted to that kind of darkness-- I'd seen it in Josh and even myself-- so it was really no wonder I was attracted to him. Attraction or not, Keon was a person, and the only way any of us would survive in this world is if we took care of each other.
"Keon, it's okay. I'm over the kiss thing... I've been going through some of my own stuff too, it's not your fault. Look, you wanna stay the night tonight? Recoop and maybe--" at this, I glanced at the floor of the deck, noticing out messy notecards strewn about "Maybe do some studying and stuff?" A beat passed as Keon sniffed, brushing away tears vigorously as if trying to protect something from their salt, possibly his pride.
"Won't Josh be mad? I know you must have told him about the kiss--"
"You'd be surprised," I said. My eyes must of glazed over and my skin crawled as I remembered what Josh has said an hour earlier: new world, new rules. With a sharp intake of breath, though, I pushed the thoughts away. Better to process that later.
"O-Okay," said Keon. Standing, I offered my hand.
"Great. Let's just think of this as a really weird slumber party. I call dibs on the couch."
A/N-- Yupp, I got inspired. I should be doing homework right now, ya butts. Anyway, I hope you all like the new chapter. One request on my part-- if you are going to post criticism, please make it constructive. Telling me you hate Adira is not going to fix anything. You need to tell me why if you want change to happen. On the brighter note, thank you all for posting such supportive things about my picture, I'll post a less-filtered/make up coated one today to show how I look more naturally (eeek!). If you want more of my goofy face, or if you like fashion/vegan/travel posts, you should follow my Instagram, rawrkissme. It's private, so I'll have to add you, but no worries.