Elaine
Detached. That's what dawned on me once I faced the open sky above. To know how small we are, compared to the vast, infinity the universe is.
But each individual down here has so much problems of their own to even acknowledge the fact, that we are grainer than an atom, and our struggles basically nothing in compared to what's up there.
"Have you always been this fascinated with astronomy?" inhaling the scenty breeze I nod, still not taking my eyes par from the beauty that was so out of reach.
The wind picks up, the humidity in our skin dissolving with each of their caress. As we stood in the top floor, the terrace opening of Elite.
That's were Edmund took me.
When I stepped by the fancy glass and sleek granite railing with Edmund following my action beside, an essence of Déjà vu washed over me. It seem to be the same with him as he smiled looking up.
A different place, some complimented emotions, but the same sky. The same world.
"Alex has a thing for gazing stars too" a small worrisome frown pulled over me as I look at Edmund. Confused as to why he would bring the subject of Alex up.
Until my steps carried me here to the serenity, I was attacked by my rational self to stop whatever this was, to stop giving him hope.
But now with one look at a calm and determined Edmund perplexed and validated my decision at the same time.
There was more.
More to why he bought me here.
"He would sit down here" Edmund tilted to side, and with his eyes trained to a dark wooden cot, slightly to his right "-And just exist"
Chuckling with a sad glimmer he squares his shoulder as he watched me with sincerity.
For some reason his quiescent behavior irked me. Shuffling on my feet I diverted my whole attention to the boy in front of me. Who appeared more alien than ever.
"Why did you bring me here?" vividly straining my features to be calm I ask him.
His brown eyes, for a long-long time stays on my face. They weren't intense or discomforting. Simply reading me in silence.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" frowning I tilt my head to the side, meeting his stare strongly and for some reason not shying away.
Smiling he shakes his head mildly, as if His thoughts humored and confused him.
"I was trying to figure out what captivates me so much about you"
"Edmun-"
"No Elaine don't stop me today" he cuts me off, extending his palm in a motion to block my thoughts.
Silence dominated among us before he speaks up again.
"They are your Eyes, the thing I first noticed about you"
At that I felt my stomach flip with sadness, to know a boy so candid and sweet, and to know that you are the cause behind his predicaments.
"Each time I saw them, they were filled with the kind of wit and innocence that I had never seen before"
He props his Elbow upon the bar, leans slightly to the side as it supported his weight. His stance determined and competitive. As if challenging me to stop him.
I don't bother to try as I let him pour the contents of his emotions out, in turn as they drowned me in guilt.
"You are a surprise Elaine." he breathes as his lips parts imperceptibly, all light heartedness is sucked out from the atmosphere as he frowns concentratedly. "Each day you reveal yourself more, yet there is always something concealed about you. Hence a surprise. A beautiful one which I'll always look forward for."
Dumb founded I stare at him. Deplorable emotions mixed with a certain amount of obtuse understanding washes over me.
"You are placing me too high on a pedestal Edmund, I am afraid you won't see me the same way once you truly get hold of what those surprises are" constraining my fingers around the cold steel bar I look away. Turning to face the sky once more.
His gaze lingered at the side of my face for a while, soft but firmly studying. Similar to the way most of them do when I speak in riddles.
A puzzle that I myself couldn't figure out.
Seven billion world population. And then there is me. With a story carved of coincidence, death or even possible strategies. And for now beside me was a boy whose feelings weighed me down just because I couldn't return it.
I have to end this.
But before I could do it, he grips me firmly by the shoulder and whirls me around in his direction, he brings his other hand and with both his support to my shoulder, he cemented my startled position.
Anxious, I gawk at him as his nose flares scantily, the halo of his orbs diluted in gentle anger.
"You don't have to go through this guilt Elaine. Even if you don't tell me I know I can't have you" as his words dawned on me, I blink my eyes in check. The sudden turn of Event's collapsing my brain cells in a mess.
After a condensed pause and anticipated beat of heart I cleared my dry throat, I sniffed at the tingles on my nose as moisture gathered at corner of my eyes.
"Are you okay?" I whispered, not trusting my voice.
I watch as the stiffness of his shoulders falls and his face acquired a relief.
"Yes, I am fine." He smiles shortly after as he massaged my shoulders as if in reassurance "I've made amends, I am aware that those grey eyes that I fell for would never look at me the same way as it does for Alex"
Even by the mention of his name, my cardiac cycle pathetically debacles. But at present I keep such sensation to the side as I focused on Edmund's confession. By crying.
"I am so sorry" I squeak with a sob, he stood there with weird unknowing gesture as what he should do to tame me. I was a wreck and I was off the pills. So the once numb emotions now derailed like a hurricane. I felt good. I felt free.
I was indeed a chameleon.
"Please don't cry, I swear I am okay" hurriedly he explained as I nodded, wiping the trails of tears with the heel of my palm. But fell into an another fit of sobs for some reason.
Oh you know why! You are way too happy that there are no hurdles between you and Alex anymore. But at the same time you are afraid of him in general.
"Look at me," he orders softly, I do as he says to find a really amused Edmund trying to stifle his grin.
"Why are you smiling? Do you think this is funny?" I whisper yell with cracked voice, flailing my hands like a women with wrong amount of silicon among her assets, mad at the surgeon.
"I don't know" he shrugs cheekily. "You are acting as if we are breaking up or something. Though technically this was our first date and we are already parting ways" he wiggles his brows as I hit him on the arm.
He pretends to shrink in pain as he rubs the spot, though we all know that a muscle made of steel is quite immune to a hit from bull dozer even.
"Why did you made me go through this when you had already moved on? Do you even realize the amount of stress I went through because of it? God I am aging so fast because of people like you." Narrowing my eyes I chew the inside of my cheeks intimidatingly.
He scratches the back of his head, his lids squinting as those lips acquires a mischevious smile.
"I gave up on you exactly on the day of that disastrous party. The day when I got to know that Alex was just not infatuated with you, he was dependent on you" I felt a burst of skittishness in me, especially when Edmunds tone became serious and austere.
"What do you mean by that?" I demand, suddenly feeling the disconnection in our conversation.
"After you left with your friend" his brows pulls down as if he was clearly recalling the night, then he sternly looks back at me. "Alex almost broke down"
I sucked in a deep breath, almost like a voiceless gasp. The sole thought of such vulnerability by him was aching.
"He cried the night Elaine. For you"
Foreign to my own reaction to such information I look away from the calculative gaze of Edmund.
"He never cried before, not in front of us or even me. Hell he didn't even appeared so vulnerable when his aunt-"
He stops his utterance abruptly, I look at him questioningly as he steals his gaze away almost as if he regretted saying it out loud.
"His aunt?" I try to enquire though I subtly recall Nathan mentioning that one of the white's had been in coma since a year or two. But I never actually connected it to be tangled so emotionally with Alex.
A sigh escapes from Edmund, crossing his arms he feels my doubt.
"I am not surprise that he hasn't told you about her. Aunt Keira was someone who's closer to him than her own mother." His jaw ticks, with intense nostalgic eyes he continues.
"His childhood wasn't that pleasant. He lived in isolation and barely smiled or played like other children of his age did. I was his only friend" by the time he resumed I was amazed by the care and raw memories that Edmund must have treasured to portray such potency with his words even.
But on the other hand my insides flipped with the knowledge of an young Alex living in denial, from happiness and life.
"His aunt was the only ray of light he had, she was young, independent and loved Alex unconditionally like a mother should" I frown at the manner he said it, like the word mother was a curse.
But my reach of knowledge was far from any kind of curdled relationship between Alex and Mrs. Bryson. I could detect it by the delicate loving exchanges they had while I baby sat Ashley.
Which leads me to question.
What was Edmund lacking here? What are we missing?
"I can't explain you the entire thing since no one knows what happened and it's not my story to tell. But I am aware of bits and pieces enough to know that he blames himself for something that happened to her" frustrated he runs his hand over his face timidly.
"Is that why he left the city?" I ask in a small voice as he agrees at the theory with a nod.
"I did everything in my power to find him. To convince him. But that stubborn son of a â" he stops to gather back a euphismistic vocabulary as I defensively raise my brows at him " boy, stubborn boy barely budged. That's why I wanted to test you, to see how serious were you about him. I wanted to know if- if you love him the way he loves you. That you won't leave him like the rest of them, making him the way he is."
My heart warms up to his words and concern, it retaliates with what Edmund felt about him. but little does he know what a weave of mess I was, he aspired to see the perfection in me for his broken friend, but I was far from it. We both were messed up in our own ways, interconnected legally and emotionally in a play of fate.
When a prolonged time lapsed the pity I felt for him morphed into a relatability.
Licking my dry lips I clear my throat, the taste of dolefulness consuming me.
"I am not over you Elaine, as a human it takes time to heal. But to see my best friend smile-" he says referring the viral image with a smirk "and get chided around by a girl is entertaining. Besides to see a person throw a shoe at his head and to know that person is still breathing is something new" he winks as the blush raises to my cheeks faster than Usain bolt lurching over the finishing line.
"How?" I mouth as he sheepishly smiles, yet he just admitted he wasn't over me, I still wasn't able to take him seriously as he had the audacity to tease me.
"well" he sniffs standing straighter, his height a good measure towering me even though I was five six, a length which I gave up on being proud of once the guys in my school began to hit puberty and soared to compete the empire state building. "I may or may not have eavesdropped over the banter held at the corridor while I was patrolling. It was kind of a shock to see Alex flirt with you though" he scowls innocently as he adds one of another misjudge analogy of his-
"He never talked about girls or dating, I was worried over his interest regarding his hair care and gardening that one day I tried to force him to confess in sophomore-" by now his face adored a slight horror with his eyes wide and brows pulled low.
I waited him to continue but he seem to be lost in that memory for more than a couple of seconds.
"Confess what Edmund?" I drawl out as his lips thins down as if in disapproval of his own decision. And the he looks at me dead in the eyes.
"If he knows about this, he's going to kill me. But again, when does he look like he is not plotting someones death?"
I thought about it, and the probability of it.
"You know what? You are absolutely right" I nod in agreement. But it was curiosity that had caught upon me. I was encouraging him. I might as well rename myself NASA. Because dame the itch to know everything.
"I Thought-" he breaths "I thought he liked boys okay."
A few second passes by, desperate concealed lips that contained my mirth at bay failed to hold them any longer as I burst out laughing. He doesn't join me, instead his features were still nostalgic and calculative.
"Laugh all you want. It was me who embarrassed myself as I asked him the question, when he coldly stared at me I even offered him that he can kiss me and see if he feels that way" he grumbles as I gasp in shock.
"You did not" I wheeze as he clicks his tongue in denial of my rhetorical exclamation.
"I certainly did"
"What happened? Did he do it?" I ask shamelessly laughing at my imagination.
"Oh you mean did he stabbed me in the gut? The answer is no. but he did calmly got up and pointed his index at the door, with respect he told me to get out from his room. He ignored me for weeks. It was really awkward"
The image of his intense stares and out of the blue flirtation repeats over and out.
I certainly see why Edmund would think that he played for the other team. My conscience sarcastically mocks.
Probably because he's inhumanely perfect. I mean have you seen that jawline?
Elaine. I am you. It's me who controls your hormones.
Okay, but the stereotype states that its gay guys that are usually more handsome than t-
Elaine. Stop watching those chick flicks that you are now suddenly obsessed with these past few days. For god sake your IQ is way too high for that, leave some genre in your Netflix to be as it is.
I don't answer to that.
After his narration of awkwardness it was the sole emotion between us that had left our system, instead a good laugh later I felt lighter and jubilant. Like I was meeting my friend again after a long break.
Silence fell, to let us both sink in the situation. To help us realize what different personality of Alex were we acquainted with.
When it became too dense I broke it with an input.
"He was a different person entirely in Summersville. He cared, listened and tried to become the ideal boyfriend." I look at Edmund unsure, But he mirrors my smile as he nudges his neck in a motion asking for me to continue. "Tried being the key word." I say recalling the possessive nature which had cost some people their nose.
"I don't know if I should be happy for you or worried. Alex could be weird at times you know" he shrugs and then goes on about the things that actually mattered to him.
"You mean to say that the most impressive gift that you gave him was his yearly stash of hand sanitizers?" not believing my ears I ask him again.
"For starters they weren't those local pharma ones, the one he uses are those highly organic, and specialize hydrates that are anually exported from Paris. He was quite satisfied when he received them"
Edmund chuckled as I wrinkled my nose in utter disbelief.
"I don't even know why I like him so much" I admit in all honesty.
He pretends to ponder deep into it before he theorized a reason.
"Probably because he looks good?" he angles his face to in a questioning manner to which I roll my eyes.
"That would be infatuation. I mean look at you, you are equally handsome. Speaking of that, trust me you'll find someone better than me, the one who deserves you. You have a really kind soul Edmund, maybe there are many admirers of yours closer to you than you think. Maybe you just aren't trying to look at them" unfiltered I blurt out, the thought of Hailey's emotions as per Mike taking the center of my advice.
He raises a brow, unknown to what I was potentially pointing at.
"Thank you for that"he slowly drawls out as I shrug as if it wasn't a big deal.
We Stay like that for a while, in silence, in freedom. But when the bells from academy's church echoed eleven times we decided to call it a night.
But before we could turn around I grabbed Edmunds arm. He looked at me in attention.
"Thank you" I whisper in sincere gratefulness. Not because he neutralized his emotions for me, but for making me feel better when I bet he, himself could be suffering inside.
To not hate or ignore me and make me feel miserable. To be there for me, for us still. To not changing. I thanked him entirely for it and he seem to grab on to the severity of the moment.
A smile curves upon his lips and without a second thought he pulls me into a hug. And without hesitation I hug him back.
Patting my head in the friendliest gesture he lowly adds "Take care of him. Will you?"
Not trusting my voice I nod in between our embrace. Parting with a new intake of relationship, that very much felt like a friendship we both turn to retire for the night.
But halt our motions abruptly as our eyes fixes on the blue pair that some how managed to freeze us both with alerting hesitation despite the lack of any reason that we should be afraid of.
By the door frame stood Alex, his arms folded by his chest and side leaned by the sill. One of his designer shoes touched the concreate pointedly as he stood with one of his legs slightly arched, his face not a mask of ice or anger. But Analyzing and intense upon us. None of us moved or said anything.
From Edmund, his gaze gently meets mine.
Then he moves, taking a step back. He shoves his hands under the pockets of his jeans causally.
"Carry on, don't be bothered about my interruption" he says, void yet deep. Then He looks at the floor "I'll leave" with that he throws one last glance at me and does the exact thing he said.
Leave.
Sighing a breath that I held for the time, with startled eyes I look at Edmund. For advise?
He was not helping as he stared at the doorway from were Alex had left with unreadable emotion.
"What should I do?" I ask as he turns to glance at me, and then back at the door. And says the one syllable that left me with adrenaline and dread.
"Go"
***