Alex
Working heart. Its thumps. It's struggle beneath the rib cage. The detailed essence of its presence.
I listen to them.
I listened to her.
Torture. Every word she said cut through me, worse than blades.
My cheeks burned every time she bought up the pain she had endured. Her eyes were strong, it didn't wavered a bit like my breathing hideously did. Those eyes spoke more emotions then her words did. They were too strong. As if they were used to them. The heartache.
I don't like it.
I can't grasp it.
Believe it? I don't want to.
But it was there, she was there. Right in front of my eyes as she waited for me to say something.
Elzina.
As I see it, the veil that she had gone, the mask of the girl she called Elaine, that I fell in love with stripped off to in the presence of this beautiful mess that I was falling deeper in love with even in the state of such annihilation.
Denial. I had felt it the moment she called herself by that name. The real name. I went in frenzy, I drowned in trance. But before I could understand or even try to, she had held me by the side stepping closer.
Everything about her was same.
But not.
All of her was mine.
What a fool I was.
I thought this time nothing would dare to tear us apart.
How foolish was i?
She was Elzina Winston.
And I was Thomas White.
The skeptical, weak, and stupid boy who had pushed down all forms of bravery and traded it for coldness and nonchalance. Adapted a selfish silence so that he would never have to face his father because of it. Failed to see the reason behind a family's wreck because he was too busy trying to mourn of his own.
So, so stupid.
God must hate me for it.
It's the only reason why I was being punished this way.
To face the reality were I wanted to protect and love a girl until the last of me crumbles, to know that I could have ceased her despair if I had tried.
"Alex" it eases, the tense nerves in my body as every inch of it felt strained under my skin as her fingers clamps around my arm.
She was here.
With me.
"I am sorry" I say, my voice hoarse and deep. Almost clogged. She frowns.
"Why are you sorry? It was me who left you" she licks her lower lip, her eyes casts low in as if in guilt.
"Don't look away, please" the words spill, unknown to my knowledge as I desperately wait for her to look at me again. Her stare was the only thing that kept me sane, that kept me grounded.
She was here.
I try to convince myself.
She will be with me if she would never know.
I hated how selfish I was.
The sensitive breeze from the open balcony played with her hair, the bangs she had now lengthened to straighter strands as it fell freely upon her shoulders, blonde highlights by the end. I could sparsely recall how we ended up here, she just moved, I followed. Like every other time. Even if she didn't wanted me to.
The glittering night of New York sky line kisses her skin into the glow of an angel.
I can't lose her. No matter what.
"Are you okay?" she asks.
"Really?" I breath closing my eyes, keeping my words in check. The tremors in my voice as subtle as possible. "Is that the first thing you want to ask me after that? Am I okay?" I almost spit out the terms in self loathe.
She purses her lips as her cheeks acquires a shade of soft redness.
Blush?
Embarrassment?
I don't know what it was, but I honored every bit of her. Be it good or bad. It was perfect.
"I am so sorry" I whisper again. This time more firm. I was tongue tied to tell her why, but I was prepared to show her what I could do to make it alright. Feeling my vision blur with guilt I look away, jaws clenched and hand vise.
"Why do you keep saying that?" she demands making me stare at her in complete silence.
The wind again.
Gently I cup her face, caressing it with my thumb as the other tucks a strand of her hair behind her ear.
"For not understanding it before" I graze my lips to her cheek as she closes her eyes.
"For letting you go through it all alone" to the left.
"For being such a coward" the forehead.
"For being so selfish" I let a moment seep past by us as I nuzzled to her side, simply breathing in. and then I move it to her lips, hoping she would not find the meaning behind how genuine it was, yet to make her realize just that. My apology wasn't empty or out of sympathy.
It was as interconnected as her dire past.
When I move away already missing the softness, I stare as she merely watches me.
They weren't void, her eyes held passion while her features examined me.
In that moment I know that Elaine was only the shadow of her weakness that I had tried to remove from within her since day one. The broken disaster.
The one who I met at times, the one who left us all baffled, confused and intrigued with wit, ferocity and frondeur was her all along.
It was Elzina.
Not waiting for a choice I begin to speak "love cannot hold the enough strength to make you realize what you are to me. But if that's what hold infinity then be it"
Tugging her closer I circle my arm around her in a childlike manner while the other was placed at the small of her back.
"I love you Elzina Winston" her name doesn't tremble. In fact they come out assured. I confess as I feel her rest the side of her face upon my chest, contended. This is how it should be. It must. She is mine and I am hers. And I would do anything it takes to keep it that way.
A loud inconsiderate knock on the door causes me to frown as she sighs.
We pull away as we hear the lock ticking open as we walk back to the room. Mike stood there looking like a tall pissed off twig.
"Are you waiting for your morning alarm to go off Miss Winston?" Mike raises his hand, until the glassy black dial of his wrist watch was next to his ears.
"Oh you know me so well Mikey. That's the exact thing I was waiting for" her shoulder slouches as she deadpans. Walking to the dresser she picks up a pair of earring and with the consistency of snail puts them on.
Mikes gaze fixated on her as she raises a brow at him. He narrows his eyes in return.
For a second I let my pathetic delusional mind to rest as I watched the exchange quite amused.
Since the day Mike had left me hanging with that letter in hand, I wondered if I'd ever find the chance of returning him the favor. But now as I watched these two, cousins radiate the lovely rays of fire at each other. I see it.
She had done her part well.
Elzina.
I wished to repeat her name In alone time. So that I would stop the shudder it gave me every time I thought of her.
Mike directs his attention towards me in haste.
"Do something. You know everything now right?" tipping my head in a half uncertain nod I scowl "The announcement starts in five minutes, make this woman co-operate with you atleast"
He waves his hand frantically in air as we both ignore him.
Few Countable times I had witnessed Mike lose his cool. And to feel that curiosity wasn't curious about attending this grand ball in the projected time. I attempted to blindly follow her likings.
"Who were you escorting tonight?"
It surprisingly took me a while to realize that it was her who asked me.
Blinking a I answer "Scarlet"
Her eyes goes sharp as she turns to face the mirror. Her hands matted her hair down.
"Mike, will you please-"
"Fine- I'll escort the scarlet girl. Make it faster. It's a big night chameleon" he walks past her, then halts as he ruffles her hair .she gasps. But before she could bring her knees up Mike sprinted out.
In her heels she stumbles cursing, without wasting a second I was beside her as I stabled her.
"Cousins are vile" she informs me as i find myself resonate a chuckle.
Then the silence breaks through. Much more prominent than before.
"I am the same girl Alex" she takes my hand in her small ones. I focus on them and not at the strangeness in room. The tension suddenly thick, and her words a knife. Butchering them off. "Just because you don't get to call me Elaine doesn't mean I am not her anymore"
"I know. It's just-" I stop myself as lift my gaze, I don't look at her face. If I did, I won't be able to stop myself. So I concentrate on adjusting her hair as I run my fingers through her silky strands.
"I know it was a lot to take in"
I wanted to scream in acceptance. React like a man who was not so much in control. To neutralize it. To tame it.
Instead I do the exact opposite.
I stay sane.
"I know" biting my lips I give her a forced smile. She humbly ignores it, but I see the quirk sadness that glimpsed by.
"Can you- will" her lips thins as she played with her fingers, the gaze roaming anywhere but me. I smile. Unconscious but captivated by her cute hesitation.
"Honored to be your date for the night. And every other the nights to come" I end her misery by taking her hand in mine as her posture relaxes. Slowly we walk out. Taking our leisure time despite of Mike's grave warning. She kept looking from side to side, at the wall, the paintings in corridor.
Her perked interest skipping to each of them.
I take her distraction to let my eyes drink in the art she was.
The epitome of my definition to flawlessness. The black gown draped sophisticatedly hugging her waist till it flowed down to floor in blooming layers. The shoulder less top with a neckline I wanted to really keep my eyes off. It was distracting. It was dangerous.
Dangerous in the sense of self control as I had already pulled her to side as she yelped. Pinning her to the wall I planted both of my hands on either side. Wide eyes stared back at me.
"Can we ki-"
"No"
I raise a questioning brow.
"Why?"
Her lips perks up in smile.
"Not if you want to end up with red lips and me looking stoned"
"Let's skip this" sighing I retreat as she blinks.
"Not if I want Nana to eat my sanity up with moral lessons" groaning she tucks her arm in mine. "Let's do this-" And then I felt her lips graze my ear as I mine parts brimmed with surprise as she whispers "-then it's just us"
This has to be a dream. Every thing came so easy. It was never this way for me.
Only because you haven't told her yet.
As if on accord my fingers holding her goes tenacious. Firming. She doesn't seem to care as we entered the Hall.
Immediately attracting the attention.
The entire warmth in her face resolves into a cold calculated stare. The kind she usually used to watch her bullies with in Summersville. Unforgiving and unbothered of their action.
Irking them more.
It was evident. She had zero respect for money leeching snobs.
That's who she thought I was before.
The lights consequently dims to delicate dusk as the center frame of stage lights up. The footlights glows as the host welcomes us with a glaring smile and then speaks into the microphone.
"Tonight is the celebration of adulthood and thanksgiving of the life god has given to our lovely celebrants-
Beside me I hear an unimpressed snort, I don't have to turn and see who it was. Curiosity knows the art of mockery. She knows how to laugh at her own life.
-let us put our hands together"
We don't. We hold each others more steady.
"As they step into the higher level of life"
Hell to higher level. The more high you are, the worse are the chances of getting hurt when you fall.
Ladies and gentlemen, our first debutant Miss Clarissa Blakewall escorted by Shaun Kim Lee. The daughter of United States highly celebrated lawyer...
This time we did used our hand for a decent applause, she did it with enthusiasm and me just for the cause. The glimmer in Elzina eyes as she watched them smile for the cameras drowned to hesitation as their smiles dropped the second they walked down the platform.
Our stares interlocked.
Both of us simultaneously scanned as if finally realizing that not just me. There were other of our close reliance and friends who was seeing her after months.
As predicted. Edmund and Hailey blinked at us with a matching frown. Scarlets glare was right plastered beside a bored Mike, who seem to be much more focused on his phone.
"There's just so much to fix" she gulps visibly wincing turning back to me.
Smiling to ease her nerves I pat her back supportively.
And then it begins.
Each of the twelve escorting their partners as the man introduced them and their family lineage to their future plans as the people down appreciated them with showered claps and words of praise.
It was ridiculous.
But we wait for out turn. The last one.
Right before that, the host's brows pulls lower as he scanned the script in his hand. Aware of its reason I suck in a breath. This was it.
This is how she plans to make herself known.
From the shadows a tall Mexican and sourly, much familiar man walks in. He whispers a negotiation by the anchors ears as he nods, still perplexed.
Ian then proceeds to grab the mic from him and flexes his shoulder with a commercial grin towards the room.
And then he speaks up. His crisp deep voice filling the air. I don't listen it intently as my vision was trained on her. But the pieces I heard was when he spoke about her parents.
Elizabeth and Fredrick Winston.
Her fingers twitched as I could only imagine what turmoil and scars she bored within her small self.
To have seen so much at such a young age.
So alone. So afraid. So broken.
We begin walking. Her gaze ahead. Dead and alive. Sharp and analytical.
The name was called, the light were ruthless. The silence was deafening.
No one spoke.
And then, like the broken pearls of a chain it broke, the whispers crawled in, raising higher by the minute. Shocked and confused glances and then there was the sudden onset of music.
"Guess they aren't that enthralled to see me alive" she shrugs as we walk away, the dress length sweeps the step as I move her to the dance floor.
"How long has he been planning this?" I question connecting the dots, the cotillion, the ill malfunction to rest the chatters with music, the revelation.
The edge of her lips puckers up as she closes her eyes in contemplation.
"Since very very long ago" Ed Sheerans perfect hitches as more deuce joins us.
"Are you okay?" I ask, twirling her back to me we move in sync. In accordance as she smiles, fatigue farming them.
"What do you think?" tilting her head she asks, the side of her hair curtains her profile.
"You are worn out. But that's the alluring thing about you. You are beautiful in many ways than one. As ed Sheeran sings right now" I lift her, my hands on her waist, her on my shoulder for support as she gives in. Elegant and poise I bring her to her feet, much closer to me now. "-you are perfect"
She shakes her head, resting her head on my torso. Her body stiffens under my embrace. And I knew exactly why, she was looking at them. At all those eyes on hers.
I gave up caring long time ago. But to her this was new. Like older times they weren't judgmental, distasteful or of repugnance hatred like she had endured before.
This were of envy, awestruck and steely competition.
They will learn to respect her forcibly as they all do when I am involved.
She is not just my Queen, Elzina is someone who is a Queen of her own world.
"It's a freaking Jurrasic park in here" I couldn't help but crack a chuckle. Of course she would think of such comparison at place like this.
Scoffing she shifts to look at me.
"What you don't think so? There are all kinds of breeds here. The harmless green eaters, the small velociraptors whose fangs are always inside, Apatosaurus, the friendly one like our friends. And then the T. Rex. They watch your move like hawks, starved." She bats her eyes proudly as I crinkle laughing.
A sound I had forgotten that I was capable of producing in her absence.
Suddenly tearing through the music was a faint irritating sound of a man clearing his throat.
Annoyed we turn to see that it was indeed men. Two of them in security uniform. The tux tight on their large built. Strained and struggled.
"Hey Oliver, I'll ignore Mason" to that the larger man rolls his stony eyes. Oliver on the other hand smiled at her and shoots an icy once over in my direction. I do the same. Return it with more practice.
But even I can't freeze out the query in my head.
Who were they? And why was she so friendly with them?
As if reading my mind. She inroduces them to me. But just not in an introductory manner.
It was a jab.
"The nosiest guards ever. They are basically nannies who accidentally consumed way too much steroids" informing me with a severe fake smile she again turns to them.
"Why are both here? I thought we had a deal that I won't be seeing you both today"
At that the smile on the Oliver guys face contorts to seriousness. And his actions alerted me in cue.
"We need to leave"
I watch her motion to say something when the other guard cuts her off.
"It a stern order from Mr. Blakewall. He said you can meet Mr. White whenever you like tomorrow, but now we are suppose to take you back"
The emphasize on his terms left no room for argument as frowning heftily she looked at me.
I shake my head, not agreeing in advance to what she was about to tell me.
She smiles, as if encouraging me.
"I am not Cinderella Alex"
Trust me, Cinderella was way less complex. Though it involved magic, pumpkin, and lizards.
"I won't vanish this time. I promise"
I groan silently. Giving in. and hating Ian more with the breaths I took.
For a person who hates easily, Ian must be aware of what he has to face when we get to talk.
I wish the time to have slowed in pace, but it was pessimistic. She left, the scent and contentment from our last hug trailing off as I stood their glued, my gaze on the exist she left from.
I stride with a measly heart route of the bar. The one which directed me a way to her, now expecting nothing but something to blur the night out.
Acting my best to be not spotted I let my head fall as soon as I sat on the bar chair, a line of unkept hair falls, it tingles upon my forehead as I push it back. Like the numerous times I had done this very night.
I don't order anything, I just sit. Staring at the glossy counter. Nathan wasn't the bartender anymore, some ons else had acquired his place.
Groaning under my breath ,I felt the headache rush back at same period to feel a man fill out the stool next to me. With my elbows on the counter I grasp my head in a tight clutch to sooth the pain.
"Everything okay Thomas?"
I stop.
"Of course it's you" i growl hissing, shifting to look at Ian. Watch him read me like an open book.
"Look. I know you must be angry at me for doing what I did. But I had no choice" he explains. But there was no sympathy in it. He sounded more assured than hesitant. Just like his daughter. His kind was too inhumane, yet so supportive. Indescribable.
"She told me you stopped her from telling me" with gritted teeth I ask seething "why?"
He was the only person who knew. Who I had told what I heard that night. And yet he kept me in dark for so long.
Does he even know what she means to me?
"You know why" this time he gives into the moment as his finger twitches. His face hardens. "We don't know how much or what he knows. He kept it a secret and if he came to know about her, he would've tried to hide whatever it was more than anything else. I can't have that. Leonard White can't be trusted"
"But you could have trusted me"
"You're his son"
"I was not treated by him like one"
"I was not willing to take the risk" his words were a yelling whisper by the end. Shutting the argument once and for all.
Silence.
The music.
Gurgles of drinks being poured.
The beats of my heart.
"Why did you make her leave now?" like a pissed of kid I ask.
"The media has got the whiff of it faster than I thought" his eyes in amusement flicks to the dance floor "guess too much of gossip fellows out there. It's all chaos outside" he sighs getting up as his phone rings.
He frowns at the caller screen.
"Who is it?"
"Your father" he swipes it, disconnecting the call and pockets it inside the tux "I have a frenzied media to handle. Need to present them something which they could talk about. I'll call him later"
He then turns to walk when in the spur of instant I began speaking. He halts.
"I'll try to find out who is behind this" clenching my fist I got up and walked to stand in front of him. meeting his gaze sternly. "I will do it no matter how or what it takes. I can't let her suffer more than she already has"
He doesn't stop. He waits still for me to get to the end of the deal. He knows how my head works. He always had.
"I will do it now. But she must not know that I could've done this years ago"
***