Adrien Walker
Groaning, I throw myself onto my bed.
Fuck.
How did I not know?
How was I so blind to what Luke was going through?
Adrien, you need to stop being such a selfish bastard.
Groaning again, I sit up.
I feel drained.
I just want to get into bed and ignore the world.
But I need to fix shit.
We can't go on like this.
I've talked things through with Luke, now I need to talk to Trevor.
I really really don't think I can face him.
What if he just points out other reasons that make me a shitty person. Other ways I've fucked up.
What if Trevor isn't as forgiving as Luke?
What if this is it for Trevor? The last straw. The final push he needed to tell me to fuck off for good.
I mean I really did hurt him.
Dad died, and Elaine left but Trevor was there, through it all he was always there. Forced me to leave the house, forced me to eat, forced me to continue. Was there for every breakdown, every meltdown. Helped me clean up after every anger outburst.
We didn't have any deep discussions, no searching for the meaning of life.
He was just there.
He just showed up.
He didn't leave.
When Charlie died I didn't do anything.
I wasn't there for Trevor.
I didn't show up.
I left.
I should have been doing everything he did for me two years ago.
I fucked up, massively.
Trevor has every right to not want me in his life. Every right to not forgive me.
Will I be able to fix things?
Come on Adrien, get it together, you need to speak to Trevor. There's no use stressing and overthinking things when I haven't even spoken to him yet.
Should I call him? Or go over?
Would he answer if I called?
It's after midnight, wouldn't he be sleeping?
Has he been sleeping?
I guess there's only one way to find out.
I finally manage to force myself out of my room.
Who's watching Rush Hour?
Ethan!
I forgot he was over.
I quickly make my way down the stairs, to see him curled up on the sofa with a blanket and eyes glued to the TV.
Should I leave him to it or let him know I'm going out?
"Hey," I call out, trying to catch his attention, which makes him jump, nearly flying off the sofa.
I can't help but laugh.
Like full-on, shaking, hands on knees laughing.
Oh man, I needed this.
I manage to catch my breath, I look over at him to see him staring right back at me, "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. You alright?"
He nods a little, turning back to the TV, "Yeah."
He does look very comfy, curled up in the blanket with just his face and hair poking out. He really does look at home.
I stare at him, all curled up, for a few seconds before nodding, "Alright, I'm off out. I'll be back later."
"It's late."
"Yeah, it's gone midnight, what are you doing still up?"
He shrugs, "Not tired."
I chuckle, "I'm not surprised."
He stares at me for a minute as if debating what to say, "Where are you going at this time?"
Should I tell him? I don't know why I'm reluctant to.
"Just to the park," I say shrugging trying to make it seem like not a big deal. It probably is best for someone to know where I am just in case anything happens.
He looks at me in disbelief, "You're going to the park? At midnight?"
I nod, "I'm going to get going, don't stay up I don't know how long I'll be," I say walking towards the door.
"Don't stay out too late it's a school night!"
I smile as I lock the door.
I wonder if Trevor will be there. I don't even know what I'm hoping for.
I don't even know what I'm doing.
What do I even say to him if he is there?
It only takes me a few minutes to drive to the park, parking where I parked earlier. There aren't any other cars, maybe he isn't here. But I should check, just in case.
I make sure to on my phone torch before getting out of the car.
I should have put on another jacket or coat, it's fucking freezing. Would Ethan have spent the night out in this cold if I hadn't found him? I fucking hope not. But where is he staying on nights he gets locked out?
As I'm making my way through the field towards the trees at the back, Ayeeyo's voice rings out in my mind, warning me about being near trees at this time of night.
I really am doing some white people shit. What if he isn't there?
Carefully I navigate the rocky path, holding onto the trees, a few branches hit me in the face. I stumble slightly over some loose rocks.
Fuck, it's been a while.
I finally make it through the trees, the water reflects the bright moon allowing me to see a little better.
There sitting by the rocks, just in front of the waterfall is Trevor.
Well, at least it wasn't a wasted trip.
He doesn't bother looking back at me, the smile on my face quickly disappears.
"Trevor?" I call out as I take a step towards him.
Still no movement.
He is alive, right...?
Could he have frozen to death? How long has he been sitting out here?
I quickly crouch down beside him, ready to check for a pulse. He turns to look at me just as I reach out to touch him.
"Fucking hell man," I say breathing out in relief.
He stares at me for a few long seconds before going back to looking at the water.
How long has he been out here?
I sit down beside him on the rocks, leaving a bit of a gap between us. My joggers soak up the water pretty much instantly.
Should I talk? Or do I wait for him to say something?
I don't know how much time passes as we sit, side by side, in silence. But I know I've got used to the cold pinching at my skin.
I expected it to be a lot more awkward.
Should I start talking? Is he expecting me to say something?
But he hasn't said a word to me yet.
Should I wait for him to say something first?
Will he say something first?
Trevor is a man of very few words.
Where do I begin?
I should apologise first.
"Trevor... I know saying sorry isn't going to fix anything but I just want you to know that I really am sorry. I'm sorry for walking away, for not being there, for ignoring you when you needed me most. I fucked up and I want to try and fix this. I want to be here for you if you still want me to be. I swear I'll do better. I just didn't know what to do, I wasn't thinking when I left. But it's not a valid enough reason, I know I should have been there. And I really am sorry. I know I've lost your trust, please give me a chance to rebuild it," I plead twiddling my numb fingers.
Trevor stays silent.
Should I say more?
But I don't want to annoy him.
"I haven't ever asked you for anything, we've known each since we were 3, Adrien fucking 3. And in all these years I've never, never asked for or expected anything from you," The hurt in the voice sends pangs of guilt through me, I really really fucked up, "But just this one time I... I thought you would at least be a friend but even that was too much of an expectation. I needed you, just this one time I needed you to be a friend and be someone I could rely on, someone I could lean on. Isn't that what being a friend is? If I can't trust you to show up, then what's the point?" He sounds so dejected, tears prick at my eyes when it really dawns on me that I am the cause of him feeling like this.
There is no point in a friend who doesn't show up.
"You're right, there isn't a point in having someone in your life who you can't rely on. There's no point in being friends with someone when you can't trust them. So if you don't want to hear from or see me again, just say. But if you give me a second chance, I promise I'll be someone you can count on."
My mind is already thinking about all the times Trevor would be forced to interact with me. I can have my schedule changed so we don't share any classes. It'll be hard to quit basketball, but at the end of the day, a promise is a promise.
"Just... why... why weren't you there?" He asks completely defeated, his voice breaking.
Should I tell him?
Sighing I look up at the moon, I wipe away the tears and take a deep breath, "I- I didn't even mean to leave, my feet just carried me away, it was like fight or flight kicked in and I just left. He died, Charlie died right there in front of us, we heard the flatline and I just- I didn't know what to do. And I left, I wasn't even thinking. I just felt suffocated and hurt and it was just too much. I- I couldn't handle it. I should have been there for you but I just couldn't and I am so fucking sorry Trevor," I sigh again before continuing, "Once I got a hold of myself and I realised that I just walked away I started panicking. I knew I needed to go back or go to yours, I knew I needed to find you. And I did, I got in the car and I was overthinking and I wasn't driving properly, I ended up hitting the back of a car, thankfully no one got hurt and it was minimal damage just needed my bumper replaced. But I was hyperventilating and the guy I hit called an ambulance, everything after that is a bit of a blur. I was put on suicide watch and got checked into the psych ward for three weeks. They said it was another major depressive episode. Once I was home, I didn't know how to reach out, I knew I'd missed Charlie's funeral and I just disappeared. I didn't know how to face you after, I felt so guilty. Every time I'd think about reaching out or going to see you it just made me overthink, and I'd end up panicking and crying and not getting out of bed. I shouldn't have let things spiral like that, and I know it's not a good enough excuse. I should have been there for you, I'm sorry, I really am Trevor," I can feel myself shaking as the tears blur my vision.
Trevor pulls me to him, wrapping his arms around me tightly, "Adrien, it's okay, it's okay. I'm not mad at you, okay? I know it gets too much sometimes, I just wish you'd told me sooner. And don't call it an excuse, okay? It's a very valid reason. You get depressed sometimes Adrien and that's okay. It's okay to be sad."
I nod against him, it should be me comforting him not the other way around. Way to go Adrien.
"I really am sorry Trevor."
"Okay enough of that, no more apologising, okay?"
I nod again, I really don't deserve a friend like him.
We stay like that for a while, holding each other.
Trevor turns on his phone torch as we start making our way back.
"So where are you parked? I didn't see your car."
"I walked."
That must have taken a while.
"I'll give you a lift."
Trevor stays quiet, but I notice the subtle shift in his body language.
Maybe he's not comfortable with us being close just yet.
How often does he come and spends hours on end just sitting there in the cold?
Is he struggling to sleep?
Does he need an escape from being at home?
"You can stay at mine. We can pick Luke up on our way to school, or I'll drop you off and you can both drive together." I suggest as we get closer to the car park.
"Alright."
We get in the car in silence.
"You know you're still more than welcome to come over to mine any time. You still got a key, right?"
Trevor nods, "Yeah, thank you."
"So I rang Luke earlier. Ma invited me over for the weekend. Was thinking of staying over on Saturday. Wanna join us?"
Trevor's hesitant but slowly nods, "Yeah, I'll mention it to Ma."
This is good.
Really good.
I can't help but feel happy as we pull up to the house.
I know things aren't magically okay with us all now, but this is good progress.
Trevor raises an eyebrow at me as we walk into the house.
Why is the TV on?
Oh shit.
I forgot about Ethan, again.
"Oh yeah, erm Ethan is over," I say scratching the back of my neck.
We both walk into the living room to see Ethan sitting up and staring at us, still wrapped up in the blanket.
"Hey, you're still up?" I ask walking into the room more.
He does a little nod, but he's watching me intently. Is there something on my face?
"Are you okay sleeping on the sofa tonight? Trevor's sleeping over and he's too tall for the sofa. Or you can sleep in my room and I'll take the sofa," I say feeling a little guilty.
"It's okay, I don't mind staying on the sofa," Ethan replies looking at Trevor before staring at me again.
Is my face red from getting hit by branches or something?
"Hey, sorry for the trouble." Trevor says to Ethan before glaring at me, "I'm happy taking the sofa, I doubt I'll be falling asleep anyways."
"It's okay, I'm not sleepy either. I just started watching Brooklyn Nine-Nine."
"Have you never seen it before?" Trevor asks walking over to the sofa.
"No," Ethan replies with a shake of his head.
"It's one of Luke's favourite series. You alright if I join you after I've showered and changed?"
"Yeah, that's fine by me," Ethan says smiling up at him.
Trevor nods before leaving the room.
"Why are you staring at me? Is there something on my face?"
Ethan golds my gaze as he replies, "Just checking if your pupils are dilated. Your right cheek has a cut on it by the way."
"Why would my pupils be dilated? And I got hit by some branches, I'll clean it up when I go change, my joggers are soaked."
Ethan raises an eyebrow.
"What?"
"Are you high?"
I can't help the laugh that escapes me, "What? No! Why would you think that?"
"It's 4 am, you've been at the park for 4 hours in this cold."
"I wasn't getting high, just hanging out with Trevor," I say walking to the hallway, "I'll be back, let me go change."
--
I cried writing this chapter. I love Adrien.