*Mention of sexual assault - may be triggering for some readers (have indicated where to stop reading below).*
Trevor Chidubem
Luke had fallen asleep whilst we were playing video games. He fell asleep with his head resting on my arm but I moved his body so he was laying on the sofa with his head in my lap.
I'm trying to focus on Tenet, but I can feel Adrien's eyes on me. He's been staring at me for the past 30 minutes, but I've been trying to ignore him. He'll speak up when he's ready. But it's fucking annoying.
He sighs for the fourth time and my resolve is very close to snapping.
Is he overthinking his petty arguments with Luke?
They always argue about the stupidest of shit.
But he has been strangely quiet since Luke asked about Ethan, which I knew was a very slippery slope.
Only when he sighs for the fifth fucking time, do I finally ask, "Wanna talk about it?"
His eyes go wide as he realises I've caught him staring because he was being very fucking discreet.
"Talk about what?" He asks scrunching up my eyebrows, which is his tell-tale sign of I want to talk about it but need some probing,
"Whatever you're thinking about, and don't tell me it's nothing 'cause you wouldn't be glaring so hard if it was," I reply staring right back at him.
He stays silent, anxiously wringing his hands whilst avoiding eye contact.
"Is it about Luke or Ethan?" I ask, "Or both?"
He glances back at me, "How'd you know?"
This time it's me who sighs, "Because I fucking know you Adrien, have we not already established that?"
Adrien picks up on my little patience and thankfully jumps right to an explanation, "Luke's changed, I mean we all have, but what if he realises I don't fit in with that change you know? Like we're all growing up, and interests and shit change, and what if I don't grow in the same direction as Luke? Or you? You two have an unbreakable bond, but I'm the odd one out, what if you both decide that you don't need a third wheeler?"
I see the unshed tears gather in his eyes and rub a hand over my face.
Always the therapist.
I know Adrien always acts like a confident, selfish, bratty American jock, but he's riddled with self-confidence issues and insecurities.
"Adrien, man," big sigh, "Stop being an absolute dick to yourself. Luke has barely been okay for the past few months, not just because of Charlie but also 'cause he didn't have you. And to be honest with you, I haven't been alright without you either. So reach out to us, alright?"
He nods as a stray tear escapes, "Sometimes the thoughts in my head get too much and I just think it's best if I distance myself or just leave."
He nervously scratches at his left arm, another sign this is getting a bit much for him to process right now, "I know man, I know. Which is why I'm not holding it against you, okay? I get that it gets too much at times, but you still need to communicate that with us."
He nods again, staying silent.
"So what's going on with Ethan?" I ask in hopes that the topic change will ease his mind.
He looks guiltier than before when responding, "I'm sorry for not warning you about Ethan being over yesterday, honestly it completely slipped my mind that he was staying over."
"Dude, it's fine," I say not wanting to get into the whole thing.
He shakes his head, "I know but I'm still sorry."
"Adrien relax, I know Ethan is not his Dad, nor is he anything like him. I honestly don't mind Ethan," I hope that's enough to make him drop it.
*Assault mentioned below, some readers may want to skip this part*
I will my mind not to go down that rabbit hole.
I can't help but shiver in disgust, trying to rid my body of that crawling sensation.
I can feel his hands on my skin again, his nails digging into my bare hips as he whispers what he wants to do to my black body in my ear. The laughter of the other cops in the room rings loud in my ears.
I gently move Luke's head off my lap, before getting up.
"Trevor?" Adrien asks and I can hear the worry clear in his voice.
I force myself to look at him with a blank face, "One sec, gotta pee."
My throat burns and my eyes water as I finish emptying the contents of my stomach down the toilet.
His hands squeeze and pinch at my thighs, working themselves up as he breathes into my ear.
I've got nothing left to throw up but my body won't stop dry heaving, it's becoming more and more painful.
I wasn't speeding.
I had insurance.
There was nothing wrong with my 2012 Jeep Wrangler, no busted tail light or headlight.
Everything was in order.
But he still pulled me over.
Something about me matching the description. But he wouldn't tell me what the description was. Wouldn't even tell me the crime.
I had to go down to the station to answer some questions, and he demanded I go with him.
I wasn't allowed to call anyone.
I was told that since I was over the age of 16 I didn't need a legal guardian present.
I begged them to let me call my parents; I cried for a lawyer. I just needed someone, anyone.
But they laughed.
I was accused of acting strange.
Told I seemed high.
That the bloodshot red eyes weren't from the excessive amounts of crying and rubbing at my eyes.
They said they believed I had drugs on me.
I was ordered to strip.
It didn't matter how much I pleaded with them, I was theirs to use until they had enough.
Bile burns my throat as I continue to vomit.
I will myself to stop thinking about it.
I don't know how long they held me for, he dropped me at the other side of our small town. I had never felt more humiliated and alone as I walked 30 minutes to my Jeep. Everything ached, as the back of my black jeans became damper with every step that I took.
I didn't want to go home, but there was nowhere else to go.
I prayed Nne and Nna had gone to sleep, but it seemed God hated me that day.
*Can start reading again.*
It was the only time I'd ever broken down in front of my parents, Nne held me as I sobbed.
I told them that the Sherriff had picked me up and I'd been interrogated for hours, not allowed to contact the outside world, and left it at that. Adrien and Luke knew as much as my parents did, no one ever pushed me to talk about it thankfully.
My parents have always hated the Sherriff and by extension Ethan too, but after that incident, they don't want me to even be in the same room as Ethan in case it gets back to his father. Luke hates the Sheriff and tries his best not to get involved with Ethan. Adrien fucking despises the Sherrif, but he's always had a soft spot for Ethan - they have a complicated relationship.
I avoid looking at myself in the mirror as I wash my face and brush my teeth, I'm glad they haven't thrown out the toothbrush I keep here.
My throat still burns but I'm glad the tears have stopped.
I count to 50 before making my way back downstairs.
"You okay?" Adrien asks concerned, his eyebrows scrunched up together as he takes in my appearance.
"Yeah," I nod as I go back to Luke.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I know I'm always coming to you with my problems and issues, but this is a two-way street, you can talk to me too."
I nod absentmindedly, "I know man."
And I do know that. But this was just something I knew I wouldn't ever be able to speak to anyone about. This was something I would be taking to the grave.
We sit in silence for a bit, as I try to focus back on Tenet but Adrien's drumming his fingers on the sofa.
He's overthinking and is very close to becoming unpredictable.
"So Ethan?" I say trying to bring him out of it.
He looks up at me, his face clearly displaying his conflicting emotions, "I'll stop hanging out with Ethan."
I blink back at him confused, "What?"
"Luke doesn't like Ethan, and you're uncomfortable and I'll stop."
"Adrien, he keeps you grounded when we're not around. I've seemed the multiple sketchbooks in your room filled with his handwriting and your drawings. I know when things get too much you like to escape to the school roof, but when they get too much but you want company you escape to the library. You think I haven't noticed that half the hoodies Ethan wears are yours? The only ever fights you've ever got into are when those dickheads beat Ethan up. Lewis' little 'gang' was fucking terrified of you man. And now we got Matt and his merry band of dipshits and the only reason he goes as far as he does is to brag to his brother. But anyways, like fuck are you gonna stop hanging out with Ethan. Luke may not like it, but it's not that he hates Ethan, just scared of what Sheriff might do if he finds out Ethan has friends. Why the fuck do you think everyone in this town is so fucking afraid of Ethan being around and it's not fair on him. Got a father like that, a school full of bullies, and a town full of people who hate him. Kid's got it tougher than anyone else in this shithole."
I didn't even mean to go on a rant, but I can't help feeling sorry for Ethan. God really did deal him a shitty hand. He never really talks in school, only really nods or shakes his head but that's because he's never had a reason to talk, well other than Adrien. I know it's not fair the way he's treated. I know he doesn't deserve it. The kid can barely look anyone in the eye or talk without mumbling. I don't even want to begin to imagine the hell Sheriff rains on him behind closed doors.
We're just as bad as the fuckers that abuse him by not doing anything. I know we can't just fix everything, but we can somewhat help him.
--
If you live in America and have experienced any type of sexual violence check out https://www.rainn.org/resources for support and online chat or call 800.656.4673
If you live in England and Wales and have experienced any type of sexual violence and need someone to talk to call 0808 802 9999 or chat online at https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/want-to-talk/ or check out https://sexualabusesupport.campaign.gov.uk/ they have a lot of great signposting on their website.
There is a help line just for men who have been victims of sexual violence https://safeline.org.uk/ contact number 0808 800 5005 or text 07860 065 187
If you live in other parts of the world please check out https://www.rcne.com/links/sources-of-help-for-survivors/ which lists helplines for Internation Domestic Violence and Abuse Agencies, International Rape Crisis Hotlines, Rape Crisis Centre and Centres Against Sexual Assault in Australia, Canada, Israel, Japan, New Zealand, Philippines, and South Africa.
If you have been a victim of sexual violence, then I urge you to please reach out for help. It's not something you should feel ashamed of or guilty about. It was not YOUR fault. You were not to blame, regardless of the circumstances and environment no means no.