Adrien Walker
Trevor's been on edge ever since he came back from the bathroom. For a second I thought it might be because he's constipated, I mean who spends nearly thirty minutes peeing?
But then I remember that we were talking about that fucking asshole of a sheriff.
I know he took Trevor into custody once, and Trevor's never seemed totally okay since but he refuses to talk about it. No one ever talks about their run-ins with the sheriff. Do I even want to know what happens?
I want to ask him about it. Remind him that I'm here to listen and not judge. I want him to know that he doesn't have to carry the weight of everything alone.
But every time I broach the subject he completely shuts down.
Maybe it is for the best that I don't mention anything.
"I didn't think you cared about Ethan."
Trevor looks over at me, face as blank as ever, "He gets treated like shit Adrien. We're just as bad as those who treat him like shit for not doing anything to stop it."
"But we can't stop it," I say, "Remember last winter when it was fucking freezing and Rainey gave Ethan soup? She didn't realise Deputy Hawcliffe had walked into the cafe, and later that night they trashed the place. Even broke the windows. Or when Antonio gave him that big puffy jacket, Sheriff fucking smashed up Antonio's Dad's car. Or the fact that three weeks ago Simon let Ethan crash at the leisure centre and they fucking burnt the auditorium down so Simon can't run any sessions in there now. Everyone in this town knows that if they help Ethan and they get caught they're in real danger."
I wish it wasn't the truth, but it is.
That fucking Sheriff hates his son and anyone who tries to make his life a little easier.
Trevor's quiet again so I keep going, "Dawn had to close down her store cause she kept helping Ethan out and the Sheriff knew and kept messing shit up. I guess the last straw was when they beat her son up and he had his jaw wired shut for three weeks. He was fucking fourteen at the time. Grown-ass men beating up a child. Do you ever wonder why the Stevens' moved away when we were 12? Michelle got caught helping Ethan so many times, guess the Sheriff had enough and arrested her on some bogus charge, I don't even want to think about what they did to her in custody cause she moved away with her husband and daughter not even two days after b-"
Trevor tenses and cuts me off, "I get it, Adrien."
"So you get that Luke has a reason to be worried about Ethan hanging out with us, right?"
Trevor just nods in response.
Word must have gotten around school about Ethan being seen with us.
The sheriff hasn't ever stirred up any trouble with me personally, I guess having the ex-police commissioner as my mother has its perks.
I'm worried about Trevor and Luke, and looking over at Trevor I can see he's worried too.
We may have just royally fucked ourselves.
"What if we helped in secret?"
I blink once, then twice, "Huh?"
"What if we helped in secret? Without the pigs finding out."
So he's more worried about Ethan than he is about him and Luke?
"How would that even work?" I ask confused.
"Winter's coming man, Simon can't let Ethan crash at the centre anymore so where is he spending the nights he gets kicked out?"
I shrug "I don't know man and it's been stressing me out. I even thought about telling him he could crash at mine, he already has a few times but that's not exactly been intentional."
Trevor nods in response, "Good, you should let him know he's welcome at yours any time."
I nod, still a little confused.
How is Trevor so on board with helping Ethan out? And why?
I mean Trevor isn't a dick or anything, but I honestly didn't think he'd be so okay with this.
He's always so busy looking out for everyone else but himself.
"Trevor," I say making him look me in the eye, "I'm here if you want to talk about anything and I mean anything at all. Or just to sit in silence when you don't want to talk but don't want to be alone. I honestly cannot tell you how much I appreciated you being there when Dad died, we didn't even have to talk, just knowing you were there was enough.
"I'm not saying that I know exactly what you're going through because I don't. But I know grief. I know the sleepless nights, the not eating, the anger, the resentment, hating the world, hating yourself. I get it. So stop forcing yourself to go through it alone. Grief will completely break you, tear you apart piece by piece and you can't put the pieces back together yourself. You always tell me it's okay to reach out for help, so take your own advice. Reach out. Stop bottling it up and pushing it down. We're here for you man - me, Luke and Ma.
"But it might be a good idea to talk to a grief counsellor, I wasn't exactly up for the idea when Dad died, but honestly, it really helped me process and start practising healthy habits again. And Trevor you've got a lot to work through, not just the grief of losing Charlie but also the trauma from not knowing about the hole in his heart. I know talking about struggles, feelings and emotions isn't exactly encouraged in a non-white household, but fuck the stigma, get over the apprehension. If it helps then there's nothing wrong with it. If you had a physical injury and needed physical therapy every week that's completely fine but therapy for mental health issues is frowned upon? Like where's the fucking logic, the same rules should apply to both.
"I know things can't be easy at home right now, so just know that mine is a safe haven. You can come and go as you please, you've got your own key and bedroom. I don't want you spending any more nights sitting at the waterfall and believe me, I will start making it a nightly habit to check if you're there.
"Just please treat yourself with the same kindness you showed me when I was grieving."
Sometimes it easier to be kind to yourself when you imagine it's someone else.
We sit in silence for a bit with Tenet playing in the background but neither one of us is paying attention to it.
Tenet is one of those films that requires your full focus and maybe even watching it more than once. But still one of our go to favourites for re-watching.
"Luke mentioned a grief support group earlier," Trevor says quietly.
I nod smiling, "That sounds like a good idea."
"You ever been to a support group?"
"We had group sessions at the hospital, they were alright but sometimes I found other people too triggering. I haven't been to any other type of support group."
"Do you wanna join us?"
"Would you be more comfortable if I went with you?"
Trevor nods, "Yeah I would."
"Alright then, just let me know when you decide to go."
After another moment of silence he asks, "Are you sure you're okay with me randomly crashing at yours?"
I look at him exasperatedly, "Trevor I fucking love you, okay? I love you because you're my best friend and a brother to me. My home is your home, it's why you have a key and a bedroom. Come and go as you please because it's your fucking home too."
"Thank you," he says and I can hear the gratitude in his voice, "And I love you too."
--
I know a lot of the chapters have been very speech heavy but that's because these boys have A LOT of active communication to catch up on.
If you're in the UK and experiencing grief and would like some support check out https://www.cruse.org.uk/get-support/helpline/ or call 0808 808 1677, remember you're not alone. Or https://www.griefencounter.org.uk/get-support/support-services/helpline/ offer an online chat service as well as call 0808 802 011.
Also, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/bereavement/useful-contacts/ has some very useful links and signposting.
If you're in the USAÂ https://findahelpline.com/us/topics/grief-loss have contact details for MANY different hotlines and charities.