Adrien Walker
Trevor carried Luke to bed around 30 minutes ago. I can't seem to get off the couch and head to bed myself.
Trevor and Luke may not have spent much time together since the summer, but they're still incredibly close. For most of the evening, I couldn't help but feel like a third wheel, an outsider.
Luke no longer claims to be a pescatarian.
Trevor doesn't seem to be eating.
Luke fell asleep around 8 pm, usually, he's the one falling asleep at 4 am.
Trevor, who would usually be the first one to call it a night didn't seem at all tired. I guess he isn't sleeping either.
But this is grief, everyone goes through it differently.
Sighing I throw my head back.
I thought today would go better, I thought things would fall back into place.
I am an idiot.
Things don't just magically go back to being okay. Especially not when there's a part of us missing.
I stare at the white ceiling, feeling emptier and sadder than usual.
A part of us died when Charlie did, the part of us that only Charlie could bring out. Luke's carefree, bubbly side, and his playful and cheeky nature, especially when they worked on pranking Trevor and me. There was always a certain gentleness to Trevor that only Charlie could bring out, his soft tone and happy laughter. And that smile whenever he looked at Charlie, the one that clearly showed that Trevor thought of him as the best gift the universe had given him. Trevor centred his world around Charlie, ensuring that any commitments he made would never take away too much of his time from Charlie. Trevor has never loved anyone as deeply and fiercely as he does Charlie.
Charlie will forever have a place in our hearts and minds.
I start feeling suffocated sitting in the living room, quietly I exit the house and sit on the front porch. The cold wind bites at my skin, making me pull my hoodie over my nose.
The sky littered with hundreds if not thousands of stars has me smiling, this is the only positive of living in a small town. There's a certain type of tranquillity to sitting under a sky filled with stars.
The stars always remind me of Charlie and Trevor. Trevor is obsessed with galaxies, stars, the universe, and space. Charlie's bedtime stories were always about galaxies and the mysteries of space and the universe. Trevor built Charlie the treehouse so they could star gaze better, even saved up for a year to buy a pretty neat telescope. And because Trevor was obsessed, Charlie was automatically invested.
It came as no surprise when Trevor decided he wants to study either astrophysics or astronomy. But I don't even know if he wants to continue with it, will it remind him too much of Charlie? But it could be a way for him to continue to feel close to Charlie.
The sound of Ma's car pulls me out of my thoughts, I'd know that exhaust anywhere. I've told her so many times that she needs a new car, but she's adamant about keeping the waste of metal.
"Addy!"
Not a second later I'm wrapped up in her arms.
"Aww, I've missed you my little Addy!" She exclaims squeezing me tightly.
"Ma you saw me like 2 weeks ago."
"2 and a half. And that's far too long!" She still won't let go of me.
"Ma you're suffocating me."
"Oh hush, you won't die."
I laugh at that, "Pretty certain people have died of suffocation, but alright."
"I've just missed you," she mumbles against my hair.
"I know, I've missed you too Ma," And I really have.
She always makes me feel unconditionally loved and cared for, around Ma I never question whether I'm a bother or a burden. I know she loves me, no matter what.
"You know you really should get a new car, I doubt it's safe to drive anymore. And how have the neighbours not put in a noise complaint yet? I swear you wake up the whole street when you get back from work," I say pulling away.
"Oh hush you!" She says lightly hitting my arm, "You know I'll never get rid of my beloved car! She got me through school, college, and moving here," She lists fondly, "And my water broke in that car! My road trips with Luke, karaoke lessons, midnight drives, and ice cream runs, there are just too many good memories to give away. In a few years, it'll be considered a classic."
"Ma you've had the car 20 years, and I bet it was like 10 years old when you bought it."
"And? 30 is not old," She looks at me disapprovingly, "child."
I laugh again, "For a car it is."
I lean against her arm, my head resting on her shoulder. We sit in silence for a bit, admiring the sky.
"So what's new with you Addy?" She asks quietly, albeit cautiously.
Is she getting herself ready to be disappointed?
Does she know something?
Maybe Luke told her about Matt and Nicki.
I look at her for a few seconds before looking back at the sky, "I apologised to Luke and Trevor for disappearing over the summer. Trevor knows why but Luke doesn't know everything. Ethan and I are project partners, so we've started hanging out more. I beat Matt and Nicki up, I heard they got admitted to the hospital, but I only did it because they beat Ethan up so badly that he spent two nights in the hospital. I know I shouldn't have let anger control my actions, but they get under my skin and sometimes I just don't think before reacting."
"It's good that you were able to explain. Is there any particular reason you told Trevor and not Luke?"
I sigh not really knowing myself, "I dunno... At the time it just felt like I was using it as an excuse, I didn't want him to think it was a copout. And I already know I kinda fucked up by not telling him because he said that he didn't like it when I don't share important things with him and when I keep him in the dark to protect him like he's a kid. But it's not that. I just don't want him to think more lowly of me. And I didn't want it to seem like my grief was worse than his, ya know? You can't measure grief.
" When Dad died, Luke didn't seem to quite grasp that I just couldn't control how I felt, any of it. I felt like my heart had been ripped out and my brain had just forgotten how to function. Elaine leaving was just the final straw. I know Luke tried to talk to me even after I got discharged, but I wasn't- I wasn't functioning properly. Going back to an empty house, nothing prepares you for that. Not even 8 months in a psych ward.
"I do still regret how I treated Luke, and I was just so afraid of me doing the same when Charlie died. I didn't want to fuck up again. Luke and I haven't been completely okay for the past 2 years, and I didn't want to add to that. But I knew I had to be there because I really fucking hadn't when Dad died.
"And Trevor basically moved in after I got discharged, he helped me through so fucking much and was a constant reminder that the house wasn't completely empty. And fuck, Charlie fucking died. Charlie. His little brother, his entire universe for the past 10 years just gone. Nothing can possibly prepare you for the kind of hurt, anger, sadness, and helplessness you feel after something like that. I knew I had to be there for him.
"I just couldn't stop overthinking and driving myself crazy with all the thoughts. I kept thinking over and over that I had to go back, that I was already fucking up, that it was going to be exactly like when Dad died, that everyone just ends up fucking leaving. I wasn't thinking straight, just obsessing and panicking."
It feels like a relief to offload to Ma, I haven't opened up to her like this in quite some time. She would come to check up on me every few days after I got discharged in the summer, ringing me every day. But she would never push me to talk, she knew I'd open up when I was ready.
"Oh Addy," She pulls me tightly to her, "Luke will never think lowly of you, especially not for ANYTHING health-related. But I am proud of you for opening up to them both, and me!" She kisses the side of my head, "The three of us love you so so much kiddo and I can tell you one thing for sure, life just isn't the same without you. Definitely not entertaining enough," We both chuckle at that, "We're there for you because we love you, and care for you and want you to be okay. We don't do it because we expect anything in return. So no you couldn't be there for Luke or Trevor, but now that they know why they won't hold it against you. No one should ever be made to feel bad for health issues."
"Thanks, Ma."
"Always darling, I'll always be here to remind you of just how unconditionally loved you are," She kisses my forehead before letting go, her voice turning stern as she continues, "Now Nicki and Matt," She looks at me disapprovingly, "Both had concussions, one of them has a broken arm the other a broken leg, various bruises and swelling. They're not going to be able to play basketball, Adrien! Their parents are considering suing the school," She shakes her head at me.
But I can't help but feel pleased.
"That better not be a smile, Adrien James Walker!"
I bite my bottom lip hard in a quick attempt to suppress it.
"How many times do I need to explain to you that violence is never justifiable? You need to learn to communicate without using your fists," She tuts shaking her head again.
I mean in this case violence was justified. And the appropriate course of action.
"I know Ma, I'm sorry."
She glares at me, "Now promise me you won't be violent towards anyone again."
Surely she's not serious.
But that glares telling me that she may just be.
"Ma, you know I can't do that..."
Ma sighs, it's one of those parent sighs that screams I fucking give up.
I take promises very seriously, never make a promise unless you know with 100% certainty you can keep it. I have never broken a promise. Ma knows how serious I am about keeping promises.
"Okay, promise me that you'll try your hardest not to let anger control your actions."
"I promise to try."
And I do. As long as I'm not provoked.
Ma sighs but doesn't say anything more on the matter, "Come on let's head inside it's getting colder," I nod getting up alongside her, "I swear it'll start snowing soon if the weather continues like this."
We head inside, Ma heads to the kitchen so I follow suit. She fills the kettle up, "I'm making myself tea, do you want a hot chocolate?"
I smile, "Yes please."
Ma nods getting out milk, whipped cream, hot chocolate powder, and of course mini marshmallows. Ma makes the best hot chocolate.
"So how's the project going with Ethan?"
"We haven't really started it yet, he came over to mine to work on it but ended up falling asleep. I started planning it a bit the other night so we've got some sort of starting point."
"That's good. How is Ethan?"
I shrug not knowing how to answer, "Dunno. Guess he's alright all things considered."
Ma nods, "Whenever I see him I just want to wrap him up in the thickest possible blanket and feed him soup."
I nod knowing the feeling.
Ethan brings out people's protective side if only that were enough to keep him safe.
Ma puts a mug of steaming hot chocolate in front of me, a good swirl of whipped cream and marshmallows on top. Just the way I love it but rarely indulge it.
"So how was today?" Ma asks sitting next to me on the bar stool.
"It was alright," I say shrugging.
"Nothing exciting happen at basketball tryouts?"
I frown, "Er no- oh shit, I forgot to tell you! Trevor and I became co-captains!" I shout. I had purposely been trying to forget about it for now.
She laughs, "Aww that's amazing honey, I'm really happy for you. I know your Dad would be super proud of you too," She says giving me a side hug.
Dad was captain of the basketball team too, at the exact same high school. He won the school the league title for the first time in 7 years, the longest the school has ever gone without winning. Currently, we haven't won in 3 years.
It's days like today that make returning to an empty house more unbearable. No one there to tell, no one to share the happiness with. Eventually, loneliness and sadness take over even the happiest of moments.
I would always tell Dad that I'd be captain just like him, winning the school a league title. He'd smile and tell me he couldn't wait.
I just want to be able to tell him I did it.
I want him to be here to smile when I tell him and give me a big hug, squeezing me tightly telling me he knew I'd do it.
I just want him here.
But he never will be.
Will I ever get used to it?
"Thanks, Ma," I say forcing my voice to stay neutral.
I know she picks up on my sudden shift in mood, so changes the subject, "What did you guys get up to after school?"
"Nothing much, we had dinner, thanks for the chilli. Played some video games, and watched Tenet. Luke fell asleep during the start of it. Trevor and I spoke for a bit. He said that Luke mentioned a grief support group and he was thinking of going and asked me to come with him. I said I would, I also mentioned counselling but I think he wants to see how the support group goes first."
Ma nods, "That's good, I was going to speak to him about maybe seeing a grief counsellor at the hospital but I'll hold off. I don't want him to feel like we're pushing anything on him. But this is a positive step forwards. I am proud of him for agreeing to go, I know it couldn't have been an easy decision for him to make."
And I know she's referring to Trevor's Dad, the guy is adamant that God and Jesus will help them. Guide them through this rough patch, that all they need to get through is the Bible. Sure for some people, it may help, but asking for additional help shouldn't be looked down on or frowned upon. Mental health should be treated with the same respect and care as physical health is.
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So this chapter just sort of happened, I didn't even plan it. Let me know what you think!