Too Hard: Chapter 27

WITH MY HEART ON MY FUCKING SLEEVE, I wait for Blair to speak. To smile, take off that fucking mask, and be herself: the girl learning how to be happy.

That it’s okay to be happy despite the past.

I’m in deep. So fucking deep. I have no idea how to navigate these treacherous waters. I miss her. She’s right here, but I fucking miss her. I want her. Whether beneath me, on top of me, or nestled into my side… I don’t care as long as she’s with me.

I should’ve realized I wouldn’t give her up. It should’ve clicked when I stormed over here after she sneaked out of my bed. But I ignored the signs, the undeniable attraction, and feelings that defy logic because deep down, I knew that once I acknowledged how much I crave Blair outside the bedroom, I’d have to end it.

And now it’s too late to get out unscathed. It’s too late to get out, period. I’m falling in love with her.

It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

The last nail to my coffin was the look of utter disbelief when she stared at a pack of tampons I bought. You’d think I gave her a diamond ring, she was so bewildered.

My pulse triphammers in my neck while she remains silent, overthinking her next words.

It’ll hurt like a bitch if she tells me we’re done. The mere idea of us being over turns my blood cold. I don’t want to let her go. Not now, not ever, and accepting that is both intoxicating and terrifying.

I want to learn more about her. Uncover her protective layers, permanently strip her masks and help her accept every mistake she’s ever made. I want to help her move on and embrace how much she’s changed. Show her that she’s most beautiful when her tough exterior crumbles to reveal vulnerability and goodness. I want her to let go of the blame and believe she deserves happiness.

Happiness with me.

I’m teetering on the edge of a dangerous path. Afraid of losing my brothers’ trust. Scared of hurting Mia. Fucking petrified of losing them all because I want Blair.

“There isn’t a single thing you could do to make us turn on you.”

Nico’s words echo in the deepest recess of my mind. He said that when Logan admitted he was in love with Cassidy. Logan thought that because Cass was friends with Kaya, who cheated on Nico, it would be an issue.

Logan thought we’d never speak to him again. He thought we wouldn’t forgive him…

I wish I could say my situation is the same, but it’s not in the slightest. If anyone can help me organize my thoughts and shed some light on how I should approach this, it’s definitely Logan.

Blair stares at the floor, but I don’t think she sees it. She’s deep in her head. God knows what she’s thinking about. Is she weighing her options? Wondering if she feels the same way I do? Wondering how to tell me she doesn’t?

Fuck. Knows.

I wait because I trust she’ll make the right choice. That she’ll let go of the blame. That she’ll take a step away from the alter ego she’s masqueraded as for years.

I wait because I’m falling in love with her.

I want to help her see that her past doesn’t define her. Mistakes are a part of life, growing up, and learning who we are. She can right the wrongs if she believes she’s worth fighting for.

Seconds pass, each stretching into oblivion, my wristwatch ticking loud and clear. Slowly, Blair moves her eyes from the floor to me, and the weight on my shoulders eases.

It’s hard to pinpoint what exactly changes that sends relief rattling through me. Maybe it’s the way her shoulders sag, how she nervously pulls her lower lip between her teeth, or the uncertainty shining in those deep blue irises.

Maybe it’s all that and something else I can’t name.

“There she is,” I say as I trail my knuckles along her jawline, tilting her chin up. “There’s my girl.”

The corners of her lips twitch. Not a smile, barely a promise of one, but she’s calm, her decision made, and my heart swells three sizes, threatening to burst, when she hooks her index finger in the collar of my t-shirt, tugging twice.

I dip my head, covering her lips with a kiss, slipping my tongue inside the silk of her mouth, tasting, teasing, sealing the unspoken promises. We’ll make this work. I know we will.

She scoots closer to the edge of the counter, weaving her delicate fingers through my hair, the kiss evolving like it did the first time.

Everything holding us back disappears, raw, primitive desire returning, now more potent with the burgeoning emotions behind it.

“This won’t be easy,” she murmurs between kisses. “There are things I need to deal with, things I need to figure out… things I can’t tell you about.”

“I’m not asking for miracles, B. I just want you to stop pretending you’re someone you’re not. Stop living in limbo and start walking forward. I’m not saying it’ll be easy, but I promise it’ll be worth it.”

She trails her fingertips down my scalp, neck, and shoulders, then holds my face in both hands. “You’re worth every tear I’ll cry, Cody, but I need a few days to deal with my life. A few days to make changes. Until I stand firmly on my feet…” She touches my chest right above my heartbeat, then touches hers, “…this has to stay between us.”

Who would’ve thought she’d be the one keeping us a secret? It should be me doing everything in my power to make sure my brothers won’t find out, but I’ve lost interest in keeping our enemies-with-benefits status on the down-low.

I was sloppy. Careless enough to stop locking the door when she came over. One of my brothers could’ve walked in on us fucking in my kitchen, and I didn’t care.

“Deal, but don’t make me wait long. I’m not keeping you a secret longer than I absolutely have to.”

Her cheeks pale. “Aren’t you afraid what your brothers will say?”

“Petrified,” I admit.

I could lie to make things easier, but nothing about us is easy. This is a fucked-up, complicated kind of love. The best things in life are never easy, and I refuse to start with lies.

“Cody, I—”

“You’re worth it,” I cut in before she says something that’ll spike my blood pressure.

“I’m worth losing your family?”

I smile, pecking her forehead. “You don’t know my family all that well, but I promise I won’t lose them. It might take them time to accept that you’re mine, but they will.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“I know my family, B. There’s nothing I could do that would make them hate me. We give each other shit over anything and everything, but when it matters, we listen.”