May 23rd 2015
Dear Nic.
You were technically my first love although, we never dated; and not once did we ever imagine dating each other, but deep down I loved you....
I met you on the ASN tour when you performed with my brother.
I was only 9 years old and you were 12. Yes, maybe I did have a little crush on you back then. But it wasn't anything like it grew to be...you were just the first boy I thought was attractive at that age...
The first time I ever felt nervous around you was at this restaurant.
You wanted me to sit next to you, so I did happily not knowing I'd be so nervous I couldn't eat properly.
I remember you even being nice enough to cut my food for me because I was so young I didn't know how to.
I even told you how my first grade teacher didn't like me.
And your response was "how could somebody not like you!!"
"You're so cute"
And then the feelings for you came rushing in.
(Did you really just call me cute?? Maybe I do have a chance with you, even though your a lot older than me, but your just 3 years older)
I had thought^
I'll never forget visiting you at your hotel once and being so nervous That I talked so much basically talking your ear off.
I was so worried I annoyed you, because you left the room to hang out with my older brother. And later told me I talked a lot.
The next day you wanted to give me a piggy back ride and I let you.
You ran with me on your back around the stadium and then put me down.
That was the first time I ever felt butterflies in my stomach.
My 9 year old self didn't know what to think....it was a new feeling.
But my feelings grew more when I turned 11 and you were 14.
Something about your sweetness caught my heart and I was desperate for a boyfriend...I loved the idea of cuddling a boy, or kissing a boy, and hugging one. And at the time you were the only boy I really knew and was around that was somewhat closer to my age.
Why?
Because I was homeschooled.
One time my family and yours rented a hotel room all together and you, me, and my sister all slept on the floor in the living room.
The butterflies in my stomach grew, knowing I was staying in the same house with you...it was unreal.
I'll never forget getting out of the shower and you complimenting how pretty my hair was.
You loved it so much that you asked if you could brush it.
But I turned you down because I knew how many knots I had in my hair and also how painfully tender headed I am.
But you begged me.
Later that night I was watching videos on my ipad and you came in the room and you laid next to me.
You asked if I ever watched Tyler Oakley before and I shook my head(no)
So you showed me his videos
And together we laid there watching and laughing at his videos on the bed.
It was so innocent, and beautiful.
but all I could think about in those moments were if I looked weird or maybe smelt funny....I didn't want you to leave like you did when I talked to much.
So I made sure to stay quiet this time and just watch the video.
Although we had an age gap at the time I thought it wasn't crazy.
But yea it was crazy...for the ages we were...
I turned 12...you were still 14.
And Later on that year we would travel to Florida.
Everyone started saying we should date and people speculated that you liked me.
But for some reason I was childish and got embarrassed.
So I was mean to you just so people would stop saying I liked you, and god how much I regret being mean to you because I didn't realize that the next year i'd never see you again....
The last time I saw you was when our family went to Disney world together.
And because I was so mean to you before you didn't want to spend time with me, and instead hung out with my older sister and brother instead.
I got left behind.
We also avoided hugging each other....but little did I know that if we would've hugged it would have been the last time I would've touched you...for 6 years and more to go~
Even though I didn't see you for a year or so.
I fantasized about us being a couple, I wore your hoodie that you gave me.
And I wanted you to be my boyfriend so badly....
But it was to late....I had lost you....and the ASN tour would no longer exist.
New Years of 2016 I cried...I cried so hard because I missed you and I realized I couldn't have you.
I saw your Snapchat story and it made my heart hurt knowing I wasn't the one to kiss you that night.
And that was when I got over you...but I'll never forget you.
Goodbye Nic Nuefield.