Now that he was alone with it all, everything came back to him. Huck, and Becky, and school, and feeling like everything was passing too fast. Tom was alone and he felt alone and there was nothing he could do.
He just wanted to be happy with Becky again. The way it had been for years. He didn't want to move on from her. And he didn't want to change what he had with Huck. The perfect friendship, even if it was only half-formed again, would end if Tom changed anything. He just knew Huck wouldn't feel the same way, and he couldn't even express himself if he tried.
If people knew he loved a boy, he would be hunted and punished and run out of town. But that feeling in Tom's chest when he thought of him... Tom fell onto his bed, his head in his sheets. Just for a second, he let himself guiltily think of Huck and his smile and his eyes, and how that one time Huck was so close to him, standing in Tom's room. How Huck had looked and breathed over his shoulder... Warmth and heat and a strong heartbeat spread through Tom. He stopped thinking. He couldn't think about that.
Tom did his homework. It was the only thing he could do; he didn't want to think about Huck and betray Becky. He didn't want to think about Becky and what to do with her. Why didn't she just marry him? Then he would've just forced down his feelings for Huck and it would be fine because he would have to. But because she didn't, he had a choice that he could hardly even think of.
Huck wouldn't want him.
He knew that, And Huck was probably straight, despite what Tom thought of whenever they met eyes.
Tom forced down his thoughts again. Finished his homework.
He laid in bed, and his mind kept switching between pushing to marry Becky and not, and wanting to tell Huck and absolutely not.
He couldn't see Becky if he would just still be betraying her. And he couldn't see Huck. He just... He needed to stay away. He needed to think.
Tom woke up at dawn. He turned in his half-sleep and looked out the window. Watched the sun rise from stars to gold to blue. And he knew he should go, and he knew he couldn't just skip every day, but... At least today. At least now. He needed that.
He faded into a sleep after watching the sun rise. He was glad-- if he wasn't sleeping, he would be thinking about how to fix things, which was too overwhelming.
Tom rested. He stayed in his bed, and Aunt Polly and Sid either never noticed, or Aunt Polly was unable or unwanting to go up the stairs and check on Tom. He looked out the window at the clouds and the bright, glowing blue sky behind the dusty window. He wanted to keep his thoughts empty.
He listened to the silence in his room and the constant of his breaths. He grew aware of his heartbeat, heavy in his chest. Everything in him was exhausted. He just wanted to sleep, and so he did, and then he wanted to sleep more.
He heard Aunt Polly moving around downstairs. He didn't know what time it was.
He laid and laid. No matter how he napped and how he thought, he couldn't get rid of that awful feeling in him. He just wanted to love Becky. He just wanted to love Huck.
He just wanted to run.
Tom hardly moved the whole day. Just let the doom and tiredness and excitement and everything seep into him and stay there. He absorbed it and slept, half-awake.
Aunt Polly's movement downstairs continued.
And then he heard a knock at the door, and listened hard past his breaths. He heard Becky's voice. Heard her talk to Aunt Polly and heard her quiet steps. Each noise made his heart turn and pump quicker. Why was she here? What would he do?
And then he heard footsteps and creaks up the stairs. And quiet steps towards his room, and a knock.
"Come in." Tom said, but he wasn't ready. His door opened gently, slowly, and she met Tom's eyes.
"Hi, Tom." Becky said, giving him a small smile.
"Hey, Becky." He said. He sat up in his bed, and felt the cold on his skin from leaving his spot he had been in.
"How are you? You skipped, today." She said. Tom shrugged and ran a hand through his hair.
"I needed a day off." Tom said. Becky nodded, coming to the edge of the bedside and sitting down gently. She took off her schoolbag and set it on her lap. Her hands then smoothed her clean, vibrant dress, and she fiddled with the bottom hem of her dress.
"Tom, this isn't..." She sighed. "It's not because of what I told you, is it?" She asked. Tom didn't know how to respond. Of course it was. He slowly sank back to the laying position he had been in.
"Becky, I..." Tom sighed. He messed his hair. "I have a lot to think about and... And I needed the rest, today."
"Alright, Tom." Becky said. She watched him from the edge of the bed, and he looked back at her. But the pit was there in his stomach and it was growing and his heart was becoming part of it, with unsteady beats and a trapping feeling. "It... It just feels like you've been avoiding things." She said.
"No, Becky. It's only a day." He smiled. He wasn't sure, though.
"Well, I..." She sighed. She looked through her schoolbag and grabbed a few papers. "Here's the homework from today." She said. "You're going to school tomorrow, right?" Becky asked, holding out the group of papers, folded and drooping, in her hands. She watched him, and he had to look away or else he wouldn't be able to breathe at all.
"Yeah, I think so." Tom said, taking the papers. It had only been this one day, but still he was feeling sickly at the idea of coming back. At the thought of being near Huck. Being near Becky.
"Good, well... Oh, Tom, I hope I wasn't too harsh on you. I just wanted you to know that I'm not pushing you to do anything you don't want." She said. Tom nodded. He felt like it wasn't true.
"Thank you, Becky." Tom said. He should've said, 'I'm fine, Becky, and I do want to marry you.' Or 'Please marry me, Becky," but he wouldn't. He couldn't get his breath to say the words And then he didn't want to.
"... How are you, then?" Becky asked.
"I'm really alright, Becky. Just really needed a break today." Tom said. Why did she keep asking that? He forced a tight smile and kept his hands together, trying not to run a hand through his hair, because at any moment she could know he was lying and he wasn't fine.
"Okay, well I have to get home, then. I'll see you tomorrow, Tom."
"Thank you, Becky. Bye." Tom said, watching her leave his room, shutting the door quietly behind herself. Tom listened to hear her steps creaking down the stairs, and then talking with Aunt Polly, and then the front door opening and closing.
And she was gone. And Tom closed his eyes, feeling a relief he shouldn't have wanted.
Going to school tomorrow would be horrible. He could feel the stress in him turning his thoughts and his stomach two different ways, and he would probably get a real sickness from all of this. It was too much.