57

Tom could feel blatantly alone as they walked into the building. He kept the shirt in his hands and no one said anything about it. The ring burned in his pocket.

He had no one helping him, here. He had no Huck this time. No friends to lead him along to his future. This was what he wanted—a choice, but at the same time... Tom knew there was only one good answer, and that was Becky. Huck most definitely didn't want him.

Aunt Polly went to a seat and Sid went with her. Sid watched Tom with a sort of worry in his eyes as he went. A sort of concern. Tom wished he could just go home. Just rest like he had been resting and hiding all this time. Tom took steps forwards. He couldn't hide anymore. Becky needed him to change if he wanted to be with her. He had no choice. And so he would.

Tom looked around, feeling his heartbeat vibrating thickly through his body. He saw Becky, talking with their friends and their parents. He felt that nervous feeling he always felt. He felt a darkness in the corners of himself. He walked towards them. Becky was talking, and as the curls of her hair swayed, he saw a figure behind her that he guessed was Ben. Tom came up to Becky. Touched her shoulder. She turned and smiled, and he smiled back, and then Tom's eyes drifted as they always did. He saw Huck.

Tom swallowed, frozen, his hand hovering above Becky's shoulder. Huck looked at him in a way that made Tom want to disappear. Like Tom shouldn't have even been there, like he should've been doing something else, to spare both of them from seeing each other again.

"Hi." Tom said. Huck nodded and looked away. Huck started to turn away. "I—" Tom moved his hand away from Becky, up to mess his hair. Huck stopped. That was good—he didn't want Huck to go. Despite feeling like Huck didn't want him there, Tom did want him here. "I thought you didn't like church." Tom said with a slight smile. Huck shook his head.

"That was before."

Tom felt his stomach burning with his face. He already knew what Huck meant. Before his trip. Before everything.

People around them started moving back towards their seats as a voice at the front told them to. Becky said a quick bye to Tom, and people started shuffling around them, but Tom just had to talk to Huck a second longer.

"I... I have your shirt." Tom held it out to him. Huck looked at it a moment, something behind his eyes. Tom hoped it would relight something in him. Would remind Huck of when they were still friends. Huck took it.

"Took you a while." He said softly, looking away. Tom stared and stared and hoped, but he couldn't see that light in Huck's eyes. Tom ignored the hurt in his chest at Huck's words, at his tone.

"Huck," Tom needed to talk to him. His chest ached with the thought of losing him like this. Huck couldn't keep avoiding him forever.

"See you, Tom." Huck said. A quick rejection-- that was it. People moved between them, and Huck went to a seat. Tom went back to Aunt Polly and Sid and the service began. Huck was done with him. They had nothing keeping them together. They wouldn't be friends again until Tom made a decision to marry Becky.

Tom couldn't focus on anything. There was light talking at some moments. At the edges of the room, there were dozens of small candles, and their yellow lights flicked and glowed as acolytes in white robes moved past them. Tom felt so smushed against Sid and Aunt Polly and the other people in their row—there was no room to breathe. This place was so small. Tom didn't remember ever noticing that claustrophobic feeling before.

The Priest wore a white robe, and all Tom could focus on was the colored ribbon around his neck. Tom imagined the whole outfit to be very warm. Tom felt the stiffness of his own collar—felt it constrict his breaths. Felt the heat of his skin underneath his clothes. Tom wanted, needed, to leave.

People started singing. A prayer or something from the Bible that they sang every time. The words came to Tom's lips and he spoke them, but it was all just so quiet in his ears. There wasn't enough noise as there should've been.

And then the singing stopped and it was so quiet, but through the quietness, Tom could only hear a ringing and a noise inside of himself. He felt wrong. He felt uncomfortable.

Against his hot skin, the air buzzed. Tom wanted this to end. They stood and sat and stood and sat, and Tom's mind was just blurred to it all. He looked back multiple times to Becky and to Huck and their friends. Tom needed to talk to Huck one last time. He always thought that—just one last time. And it was never enough. But Tom really needed this.

Tom decided he would come up to Huck at the end of this. And he did his best to focus on the service, despite the heat of the air and the swirling in his head and the panic in his throat.

The priest asked them to pray a few times. For the world, for each other, for whatever problems each person was dealing with.

This was the time. Tom needed a sign, a decision to be made. God would help him, surely? Tom hoped He wouldn't judge him. Tom just needed some help. So Tom prayed for help, for a sign. For something that would help him, now, before he ruined everything even more. And Tom listened. Through the buzzing in his mind, he could only think of Huck. But Tom had already decided to talk to him later.

He needed the sign to be for Becky. To lead him in the right way, the way everyone wanted for him.

And the time for praying concluded. Tom's pit in his stomach deepened. That couldn't be it. He needed an answer.

The service continued. It wound down. Tom could only think of how God had forsaken him—he needed an answer. A solution. But Tom didn't get one.

Tom took that as the sign—he was on the right path, right? Eventually marrying Becky?

Everyone started getting up. Tom felt the lack of a conclusion and the emptiness of no satisfaction deep in his chest. That couldn't have been it. He was hardly paying attention.

But Aunt Polly nudged him to get up and shuffle out with everyone else, so he did. His mind was blurred. He felt a sadness in him. A dissatisfaction—why? He had what he needed. He would marry Becky—this decision was obvious this whole time. There was no reason for more conflict.

Tom glanced towards Becky and their friends. His eyes landed on Huck.

"I'll meet you guys at home, Aunt Polly." Tom said emptily, hardly even turning his head towards Sid and Aunt Polly. He hoped they heard him, but he didn't repeat it again—he had to keep his focus on Huck. He couldn't lose him in the mingling crowd this time.

Tom pushed quietly past his neighbors and other churchgoers. He stepped on the edges of a few dresses and shoes and nudged into backs and shoulders, and he apologized quickly, the words mumbling distantly out of his mouth. His breaths were light and his heartbeat was increasingly fast. The ringing came back to his ears. Tom quickened his pace, and then there he was, right by Huck, leaving the building.

"Huck." The words were numb and strange and warm in Tom's mouth. Huck looked quickly over, then saw it had been Tom.

"What?" Huck asked. Tom knew it was distant and annoyed, but... He just needed to keep the conversation going. He needed to talk with Huck.

"Can I talk to you? Out of the crowd." Tom asked. Huck brought his hands together, rubbing them, and shrugged.

"Yeah."