Tom followed Huck through the doorway, outside to the side of the church. The quiet, pleasant voices grew distant along with that warm glow of the candles. It was colder out here, and it was bright against Tom's skin. This side of the church had a bit of a path coming off of it, and Tom wished they would walk through it to the tree-covered area. It was nice back there. But Tom knew that Huck would hardly even want to do this, so Tom breathed sharply and ran a hand through his hair and began.
"Huck," Tom realized he didn't know what to even say. His stomach dropped and Tom felt despair. This was his one chance and he hadn't even thought this far ahead. "I'm going to change for Becky." Tom said. That's not what he wanted to say.
"Is that what you want?" Huck asked. He seemed done.
"Well, are you okay with that?" Tom asked gingerly. "I want us to be close again. Like before."
"Before my trip, or before we started fighting?"
"Huckâ"
"I'm not the same boy as before, Tom. And we started fighting because you couldn't figure yourself out. And yeah, I'd reckon I'm fine with it, as long as you're happy."
"What? Huckâ"
"'t's simple, Tom. I want you to be happy, so..." Tom couldn't tell if the pained look in Huck's eyes was just a reflection of his own. "Congrats."
"Huck," Tom said his name again. It didn't mean anything without the words around it. The words Tom couldn't bring himself to say. "So," Tom sighed, "you're fine with me marrying Becky?" Tom asked.
Huck closed his eyes a moment. He roughly rubbed his hands together.
"Tom," He had said something wrong, because Huck seemed mad. "it don't matter if I'm fine with it or not. Are you fine with it? That's the whole problem, Tom." Huck took a step close to Tom.
Tom could smell the forest, and could feel Huck's heat. "I want ya to be happy, man. Do what makes you happy. What's the problem?" Huck asked. Tom opened his mouth, closed it. "Marry her. It sounds like you just been working towards that this whole time." Huck said. He laid a hand on Tom's shoulder, and Tom felt the buzzing of his touch, felt the heat spread throughout him.
Huck gently moved past Tom, and the smell of the woods and the heat was gone. Tom turned towards him, and Huck was shaking his head, his hands clasped together. Tom ran a hand through his hair. Huck was rightâthis was getting more complicated than it should. He was just scared to be happy.
Tom stood a moment longer, seeing Huck merge back into the church crowd. Tom followed after all of them. He saw Becky. He walked, becoming part of the group again. He kept his eyes on her as best he could but kept losing her.
He kept double thinking this. He didn't need to. She was all he had, and all he ever would really have. There was no choice here.
This whole time, it was only Becky. Huck could never be with himâHuck was a mystery. Huck was strange and didn't make sense and made Tom feel such a range of emotions that it wouldn't be right, leaving Becky for him.
Becky gave him the stability that he should settle for. Tom ran up to her through the crowd once he found her again.
"Becky." Tom said. Wind was in his throat. There was no reason to hold any of this back. He had been doing that this whole time. His whole life was ahead of himâbetter to get started now; he had prayed for a sign and for help, but he didn't need oneâthe path he was on was the right one all along. Becky turned towards him, smiling. "Can I talk to you?" Tom asked breathily. He was going to marry her.
She nodded, and they kept walking in the crowd together, bumping shoulders. Tom looked around and took her hand and tilted his head, motioning to leave the crowd. So they did, and walked a bit behind it.
"What's wrong, Tom?" Becky asked. Tom laughed.
"Nothing. Iâ" Tom squeezed her hand and let it go. "Let me walk you home." He said.
"Well, alright." She smiled lightly, and he did the same.
"I know I haven't been the best, recently." Tom said. "But I'm trying my best." The words were sticking in his throat but he forced them out. They were so quiet. Tom's feet skidded against the dirt and gravel and particles of the ground, and he focused on that noise as the crowd moved further and further ahead, dispersing. The absence of a sign must mean this is it.
"I know you are, Tom." Becky said. They reached her house. The day felt so long even though it had just begun. This had to be it.
Tom felt awful. His stomach felt like it was twisting within itself, like he was just his own quicksand and he was suffocating. He couldn't marry Becky, he just couldn't-- But that had been this thought process this whole time. He couldn't do that anymore. He needed Becky, and she wanted him. This is it.
Tom glanced around them. Seeing who was around themâ hardly anyone. Her father had probably just gone inside a moment ago. Huck was probably still on his way home, along with half the town. Tom looked back at her.
He noticed the smooth curl of her light hair. The glow in her eyes that was always there, no matter how much he felt like he had lost his own glint. She was his rock. With Huck... Tom couldn't even know what it would be like. Different, at least. But he couldn't think about that.
The ring was burning in his pocket.
"I'll be better, Becky. I really will." Once this is over. She was fully facing him, nowâno longer facing the door to go inside. There was a deep look in her eyes: a thoughtfulness. "I need to be with you, Becky." He should have married her months ago. He should've married her after the Amy situation.
"Tom, you are with me." She said, taking a step closer. Tom inhaled a wavering breath. Felt the small changes in the breeze on his face. Felt the ring burning in his pocket. She took his hands, and he felt a chill. This wasn't right. He ignored it and smiled. He felt weak, like his heartbeat was just a shaky flutter, echoing through his chest, throughout his whole body.
He can't fight this anymore.
"I want to marry you, Becky." He said. Tom pulled away and felt the warmth return to his hands. He pulled the ring out of his pocket. His hands were shakingâjust little tremors, but he couldn't get it to stop. "Will you marry me?" He got down on one knee. He could feel the dust and dirt against his leg: its coldness, its roughness. His legs gained an ache.
Her eyes were wide.
"You can't keep saying no forever." Tom said with an airless laugh and a weak smile. Maybe he was just nervous, but the words almost didn't come out.
"...Are you sure?" She asked. Her hands hovered over his. Over the ring.
"Yeah." He said. There was an ache in his soul. It ripped through his body, rippling like he had just thrown a stone into a lake. He was betraying himself. One last second to stop this...
"Yes."
And they were finally engaged.
Tom put the ring on her finger. His hands shook slightly, and he focused, trying to stop it.
He was out of body, feeling a blankness in his eyes, in his feet as he stepped towards her. She was smiling widely, despite all the times before when she had said no. Maybe she was renewed with hope after church? It had pushed Tom towards this, after all. This was the right path.
Becky hugged him, stared into his eyes. He smiled as best he couldâmade it wide, made it seem like the flushing of his face was relief, like the sting and the shine in his eyes was happiness.
Becky went inside, and Tom could hear her voice through her house, telling her father.
All Tom could think of was that this was a mistake. They were engaged. Marriage was usual for people his age, but... It felt too soon-- he thought getting married would end his thoughts of Huck; Would end his longing for the boy, for his best friend.
It didn't.
These feelings were still there.
This was supposed to be the right path, right? This was his whole solution. There was no sign. There was no sign against this, and so this should've been it.
His smile had gone away and now his face was tense, aching, twisted. Why had he done this to himself?
He couldn't believe it. Where was the sign he neededâthe one that said this was a bad idea? His God had forsaken him.
Tom had messed up again, and now he was truly trapped.