WITH THE LACK of a mother both the Shangguan siblings and I faced, Grandmother was instead invited to host my coming-of-age ceremony. My ji ji li, where a hairpin would be used to put up my hair, signalling my step into adulthood. After that, I was no longer some young girl to be hidden from the rest of the world. I could present myself, properly, to Luoyang, and my hand would be available for marriage.
Though I was quickly informed by Yunhua that until the Bride Selection took place (at the start of the year, I was told), there would be no marriage for me. My name had already been submitted to the list, and unless I was eliminated early on, I'd have to wait until I was either gifted a marriage by the Emperor, or released to select my own.
Either way, it signalled something. And that was all that mattered to me.
We were all gathered in the small family shrine. Guests sat around, with Uncle at the front of the room with Grandmother. I awaited right outside. Eyes would be all on me. I was nervous, but I swallowed it all, allowing my mouth to set in a small, pleasant smile.
Uncle began the ceremony with a small speech and declaration.
"We are all gathered here today, my dear friends, to witness the coming-of-age ceremony of my niece, Fei Minxi. It is most unfortunate her father and mother could not be here today, and as her closest relative, I am honoured to conduct the ceremony in her place. Please, may the ceremony begin."
The first to enter was Yunhua, who was serving as the host for the ceremony. Yunxuan had been too young, so she was the natural best choice. She made her way to a bowl of salt water, washing her hands. Her face was impassive.
I was next to enter, making my way to the middle of the shrine. I kept my gaze on the ground but my head held high, bowing to greet all the guests. Then, I turned and slowly fell to my knees on the table allocated to me.
Yunhua walked over, combing my hair as with ceremony. When she was done, she placed the comb down to my south.
I'd memorised the sequence of the ceremony ten times over. I'd had it grilled into me all day and night. I remained kneeling as Uncle, with Grandmother, made their way to the bowl of salt, where they both cleaned our hands and returned to their seats.
I turned to face the East. Grandmother made her way over, being careful and slow about it, and once she'd reached her position, began the words of the ceremony. Yunhua aided Grandmother in lowering herself into a kneeling position. And then she reached over, taking the hairpin Yunhua held in a tray, using it to comb my hair into a traditional chignon.
This was it.
Words of congratulations were spoken. I was only half-listening as I stood and was led out of the shrine into another room, where I quickly changed from my cai yiâwhich symbolised my status as a child not of ageâinto a suitable, plain robe.
I dropped to my knees, bowing deeply in the direction of Uncle. He was standing in for my parents.
Next was a repeat of before, except this time the hairpin was replaced with a more elaborate one. And I left the room again, to change into much more elaborate clothes.
When I returned, a bow was directed towards Grandmother, as with tradition.
The hairpin was replaced again, by Grandmother, into a hairpin crown. I left the room, returning in even more exuberant clothes.
Third bow.
We moved from the shrine into the dining room, where the ceremony continued.
Grandmother took the ceremonial wine, spoke the words of ceremony, and poured on the ground. Ceremonial food was passed to me by Yunhua, and I took a small bite.
Another bow.
Grandmother returned it.
The ceremony was almost done. I left the banquet, knowing what would happen next. Grandmother was to select a zi for me. A zi was a name that those of my age or younger could refer to me as. They'd already ran it past me the day before.
Anqing. Peaceful feelings. And thus I was to be known as Fei Minxi, my ming, by those older than me, and Anqing, my zi, to those my age or younger.
I liked it. Even if it seemed unlikely Yunhua or Yunxuan would be calling me by my zi any time soon. I referred to both of them by their ming, and they referred to each other by so as well. But it still felt nice to at least have the option.
I returned to the banquet, kneeling before my Uncle and Grandmother as they gave me a lecture, a small lesson. And before I knew it the ceremony was over, and I was nodding in thanks to all of the guests who'd participated.
And was it an impressive guest list indeed.
The Crown Prince. Princess Shaoheng. Bao and Duan shizi. Lords and ladies who I did not recognise, could not name, all invited by my Uncle. They'd all come for my uncle, and to witness this niece that had so far been hidden from their sight.
I hoped I did not disappoint.
There was a banquet after the end of the ceremony (or perhaps it was still considered part of the ceremony). I was greeted with groups and groups of people, all wishing me luck and praising me for my performance during the ceremony. I thought it was drastically overscaled, but at the same time I understood: many of these people were trying to curry favour with my Uncle, and they found an easy way through me. I was easier to approach than Yunhua and Yunxuan, and more likely to be stupid enough to listen to them.
How unfortunate for them that I was not.
I'd completely convinced my Shangguan relatives that I was more than able to hold myself in Luoyang society now. A whole two months here, and I hadn't made a single fatal mistake. Even Yunhua was forced to begrudgingly admit that I'd done an excellent job so far.
I suppose I gave her fault for saying it was begrudging. She was actually quite nice about it. She wasn't as distant and mean as I'd originally thought she was. She'd proven to be a good friend to me in the past while.
My own courtyard had been cleaned up around a week ago. And Uncle thought my coming-of-age ceremony was a good time to move out of Yunxuan's courtyard and move into my own. I agreed. With the end of the banquet, I said goodbye to Wang You Court and headed to my own.
The servants had come and asked me to set a name for it some weeks ago. They'd needed to have it carved on a wooden plaque at the doorway. I'd given it some thought and chosen a name that Yan'er liked very much: Zui Mu Ge. Drunken Evening Court. I thought it was rather poetic, and I took it from one of my favourite poems. Yan'er found it funny. I could not comprehend why.
I did not get any peace and quiet until that evening, when everyone left the manor. Instead of returning immediately to Zui Mu Ge, Yunhua, Yunxuan and I gathered in one of the quiet garden pavilions.
The sun had just set, and the servants had lit lanterns around the garden. A few hanged down from the pavilion roof, lighting up our table and the surrounding environments. The trees rustled to the wind, the blooming flowers reduced to black and white silhouettes, but the lack of colour failed to hide their beauty. The sound of rushing water came from one of the streams. Our three respective maids had been dismissed and now sat outside the pavilion, atop a set of benches, chatting quietly amongst themselves,
Yunhua had found a flask of cherry blossom wine from somewhere, pouring a bit for me and herself. Yunxuan's requests for a taste was brutally rejected.
"Wait until your coming-of-age," I teased her.
Yunhua nodded. "Wait, little sister. I do not want to become responsible for you becoming drunk. Father will be displeased."
"Like he won't be displeased if you and Cousin become drunk," Yunxuan scowled.
"I know how much I can manage," Yunhua replied with one arched brow. "And I can watch over Minxi to make sure she does not drink too much as well. You, on the other hand..."
"I'm only three years younger than you."
"That's quite a lot," I told her with a little grin. "Two years, little Yunxuan."
Yunxuan just rolled her eyes.
Yunhua ignored her. "Right. Lady Yao is holding a banquet in a week's time. You will come with me, of course. Really, you could have gone before, but we thought you needed a bit more time."
I nodded, taking a sip of the wine. It was sweet to the taste, the scent of cherry blossoms seeping through. I placed down the white porcelain cup. "Of course."
"They'll see you in a different light now."
"I know," I told her.
"Search for anyone who'd make a good husband if you wish to, but do not become attached," she warned.
I nodded. "I won't."
"She knows what to do, sister," Yunxuan laughed. "When does Yunjun and Tianjin return?"
I'd heard about it a few days earlier. Uncle had summoned them but not me, and I'd heard that it was about the other two siblings.
Yunhua tilted her head. "The letter says three months."
"How are they faring?" Yunxuan asked, brows creased.
"Tianjin, it seems, is not suited for the battlefield," Yunhua mused. "He'll follow Father's path, I think. Yunjun..."
I straightened. I'd always liked hearing about this second sister, this other cousin of mine. A girl who fought on the battlefields, who was allegedly as skilled as any boy her age. I'd heard some people laugh about it before, some curt comments and snickers during banquets and other endeavours. But they never dared go too far. Was it because she was still the daughter of Shangguan An, the Grand Chancellor? Or was it something else?
Yunhua pursed her lips. "Yunjun joined her first proper battle a few weeks ago, apparently. General Yang has nothing but praises for her."
"General Yang?" Yunxuan asked, blinking furiously. "But he..."
"He was also the one most against her presence there." Yunhua allowed that to sink in for a moment. "She must be doing wonderful."
"She's a Shangguan," Yunxuan said with a determination that momentarily startled me. "We are always best at what we do."
I'd gotten that sense in the past two months. That all three of these sisters seemed to push themselves to the very limit, challenging themselves at every turn. Yunhua would stop at nothing to become the future Empress. Yunxuan would not allow herself a single slipup in terms of mannerisms, talent and more.
I'd discussed with Yunhua a few days back. I asked her what she meant by Yunxuan making drafts of drawings before the gathering at Prince Bao's Manor. Yunhua's answer had been simple.
"There are artists of talent. There are also artists of pure practice and calculation. Yunxuan is the latter. The effortlessness you see her display has all been practised a thousand times over when she is alone. She is not someone who allows herself to make mistakes. But it also means that, in art, she will never be truly great. Because it is not her own creativity that fuels it all, nor a wish to create great art. It is merely to create an image."
I'd thought about that for a long while after our conversation. I'd genuinely thought Yunxuan was a bit of a genius after the past while, with how often people praised her talents. It had not crossed my mind that she may not have been born with any of those skills, and that it was all earned from hours of hard work.
I took another sip from my cup. There was something strange about the drink that did not quite fit my taste, but the scent of cherry blossoms was pleasant enough to cover it. I wondered where Yunhua even got it from in the first place. It did not seem like something she'd be allowed to buy.
"What will happen to Yunjun, though, when she comes back?" Yunhua asked, sighing. "She will not be content with life here. She will want to go back."
"She always does what she wants," Yunxuan murmured. "And if she wants to carve out a whole new land of her own..."
"I worry for her," Yunhua said, one brow raised. "She may lose her life and virtue at any time on the battlefield. Her reputation is already in tattersâif she was anyone else rather than Shangguan Yunjun, she'd be living in infamy. Sometimes I think it is a miracle our reputations have not been affected by hers."
Yunjun lowered her head.
Yunhua's reputation may not have been affected, I thought, but Yunxuan must have felt some effect of it, as the daughter of a concubine. Perhaps that contributed to her need for utter perfection.
"Who decided women cannot fight anyways?" I asked with a laugh. "I think she's doing an excellent job. Sooner or later people will recognise that anything a man can do, we can do as well."
Yunhua shot me a look. "Do not say those things outside of this very house," she warned me, even though I could sense that she agreed. "People will hear it, twist it and your reputation will become the one at risk."
"I know," I sighed. "I am not an idiot." I did not have the courage or influence to break the norms that dictated society. So I had to make the best of my life within this bounds.
I was content with that. I had no interest in becoming a hero, or worse, a martyr.
I was not the self-sacrificing kind. I was content with a peaceful life without danger, risk or excitement. Similar to Yunxuan in that regard, I rather thought.
â
MINXI:
Your uncle has written to me regarding your coming-of-age ceremony. It is unfortunate your mother and I could not attend, but we're sure your uncle and Grandmother have proven suitable stand-ins, and organised the ceremony accordingly. I do not think we could have managed the same thing back here in Henan, and it would have been difficult for your mother to act as the hostess due to her pregnancy.
Your younger brother shall be born soon. We have already decided upon a name. Your mother is besides herself, as am I. We shall finally have a male heir. If you could, mention this to your uncle and Grandmother.
Behave yourself in Luoyang. Your education and manners have always been subpar, and those in Luoyang will not be as accommodating to your lacks in personality as your mother and I are. I will not be pleased to hear any accounts of you misbehaving.
With your younger brother being born soon, your mother and I are hoping that we could move back to Luoyang in a matter of years. I have already been posted in Henan for some time. Perhaps your uncle could see to have that arranged.
Your father.
â
"HE SOUNDS LIKE an old bastard."
"Shaoheng!" Yunhua cried out. "Language!"
Princess Shaoheng rolled her eyes. "I speak the truth. The entire letter and all he does is chastise you and praise your unborn brother. How does he know it's a brother anyways?"
I shrugged. "My step-mother insists it is."
Princess Shaoheng wrinkled her nose. "And pray tell, how does she know?"
I blinked. "I do believe she is trying to will a boy into existence. You can never tell with this sort of thing until the babe is out, no? There are signs with what food you crave and such, but... it's not accurate, is it?"
We sat in Yunhua's little study. Yunxuan was out visiting a friend, and Princess Shaoheng had stopped by right as Yunhua and I were about to investigate the letter my father had written me a whole week after my coming-of-age ceremony.
Yunhua sounded pensive. "Your father seems to really want my father's help."
"Do not give it."
Yunhua sighed. "We'll have to have him moved back to Luoyang eventually, I think. Especially after you marry. But not before. Shaoheng is right about one thingâhe does sound rather horrible. I almost feel sorry we did not summon you here earlier."
I didn't say anything to that.
Princess Shaoheng rolled her eyes. "I am glad my father and mother are not so openly biassed as that. For all his faults, my father does treat me, my brother and Eryang equally."
"My father has always disliked my mother because she never bore him a son," I murmured. "I was, rather unfortunately, a girl."
Yunhua shook her head. "Does it ever terrify the two of you? The thought that we'd have to give birth one day too? Both Minxi and my mother died in childbirth. What if it happens to us too?"
"There's no guarantee," I murmured.
Princess Shaoheng slowly shook her head. "What can we do about it?"
Nothing. If we never gave birth to a child, whether due to our own preference or reasons beyond our control, we'd be villainised. What was a woman without a child? Husbands would spit on us, mother-in-laws would sneer, neighbours would laugh. What could we do about it? There was no choice but to comply.
"Sometimes I wish I was born a man," Yunhua snorted. "They certainly can do whatever they want."
"It would be nice, wouldn't it?" Shaoheng asked wistfully. "My parents are already searching for a match for me. And then you see my cousins. They're all older than me and no one is asking them to marry soon."
"But they will soon still, no?" I asked. "The Bride Selection and all."
"And only because of it. Oh, Yunhua, let me tell you something I've discovered. I think I've figured out why my sister seems to dislike you."
"I thought it was because of you," Yunhua said with a frown. "Is it not?"
"More than that," Shaoheng sounded greatly amused. "It seems my sister is very much in love with young Lord Huo."
"Him!" Yunhua let out a laugh. "Whatever does your sister see in him?"
The timid and calculative Princess Eryang seemed an odd match for the loud, boisterous Lord Huo indeed, I thought to myself. But opposites always attracted.
"But why does that make her dislike Yunhua?" I asked, brows creased.
"Because Lord Huo always enjoys talking to Yunhua. Have you not noticed? He seeks you out."
"He enjoys vexing me," Yunhua said flatly.
"Well, whatever it is, my sister seems to be deathly jealous. I cannot comprehend it. She is a junzhu, a princess of a commandery. Third rank. She can have any man she wants, and she chooses Lord Huo? With his reputation?"
Yunhua laughed, shaking her head. "My, my. I almost thought she wanted to marry the Crown Prince with the way she acts around him."
Shaoheng rolled her eyes. "I'm sure if she had the choice she would. But, well, they share the same surname. And I highly doubt the Emperor would want to give my father that kind of power."
"It would be very awkward," Yunhua agreed. "And anyhow, I am the Crown Prince's promised future bride. Your sister can try all she wants, she's not going to be changing anything."
"Agreed," Shaoheng hummed.
I just took a quiet sip of my tea.