Whelp.
If you were to tell me four months ago that I would be crying on a Tuesday night after basketball practice over a 26 year old woman, I would find that hard.
But also understandable.
Four months ago me would've never imagined present me to be crying over her. Because there would've been nothing to be crying over. But now there is.
And I fucking hate it.
Rarely in my life do I cry. I've only cried during the saddest things in my life. Like when my grandma died, when my uncle died, and when Santana broke up with Brittany in Glee.
Yes, I've watched that show. Don't make fun of me.
But this?
Crying over someone who isn't even mine? Kissing me like she was craving for my lips and like she wanted it, then suddenly acting like it never happened? It's just really pathetic of me for even believing that maybe she wouldn't actually deny it.
Luckily my dad isn't home right now because he had to go to a work dinner right before I came home. He made me a sirloin and mac n cheese but I honestly don't feel like eating anything right now.
Sad songs like 'Things I Wish You Said' by Sabrina Carpenter are currently the only songs I know right now. I'm just staring at my ceiling, with tear's streaming down the sides of my face.
All of a sudden, I hear my doorbell ring.
I check my dad's location to make sure it isn't him.
And I know it's none of my close friends because they would've walked right in.
After a few seconds, I hear the doorbell again and I grab a pillow from beside me and scream very very loudly into it.
Just let me get all of my feelings out right now.
I'm now slowly making my way downstairs, not really knowing who to expect.
Part of me is praying that it's Georgia but we all know it's not going to be her.
Without thinking, I open up my front door. I'm currently staring at the ground but as my eyes make their way up to the person's face, I finally register who's here.
Payton.
I'm staring at her, unsure of what to say. Her hand is on her hip, her hair is a little curled, she has grey sweatpants on, and a blue and grey top crop which is showing her defined abs. Damn.
"What are you doing here, Payton? Don't you hate me? How do you know where I live?" I'm still trying my best to hide the puffiness the best that I can but I think it's no use because of how she's looking at me right now.
"Jules Oliver crying?! Are you okay?" Payton's head tilts.
I sigh and stare at her a little annoyed. But it's probably because of who I'm angry at right now.
Once again, I repeat myself. "What are you doing here, Payton?"
Payton rolls her eyes, like she's done whatever she is doing right now countless times. "I'm here to talk about you...and I'm also here to apologize about my lash out yesterday."
My eyebrows furrow because what does she mean she wants to talk about me?
"Uhm, sure. Come, come in."
Payton gives me a tight zipped smile as I close the door behind her. I lead her upstairs to my bedroom and she begins to examine my room.
"This is very, you."
I've got a ton of basketball posters and plaques up whether I got a picture signed from an NBA or WNBA, or college players. I also have my travel wall of places I've traveled whether it was with Claudia or for college tours.
I make my way towards my bed and Payton sits down next to me.
Payton sighs and it seems like that sigh someone does when they dread what they're about to say. It's very obvious that she is picking very carefully on what words to say. "So," Payton looks at me for a quick glance then returns her attention back to one of my walls, then back at me. "I'm probably the last person you want to talk to, trust me you're the last person I want to talk to right now as well but I just can't ignore it."
Besides the harsh but true insult, I'm eyeing Payton weirdly, afraid of what she is saying and what she is going to say next. "Ignore what?"
There's a moment of silence which lets me tell Payton's really thinking if she should say whatever it is or not. She adjusts the bottom of her crop top and I'm going to be honest with you, I can't help but watch as she does it.
Finally, her mouth opens. "The whole situation of you and...you and Ms. Reed."
I'm paralyzed.
I feel the blood rush to my cheeks and my stomach lower. "Wha-what do you mean?" I'm trying so hard to remain nonchalant but I don't think it's working.
"Come on Jules. Do you really think it isn't obvious?!" Payton's tone is very serious sounding but she's still talking in a low voice. "You think I didn't notice you and her secret moments in crowded rooms? In the fucking lower gym? You think that I've never noticed it, but that's all I've ever noticed and majority of the time I just thought it was two people with very very big staring problems."
I'm trying to swallow the massive lump in my throat. "I don't, I don't know-"
"I'm not stupid Jules." Payton's voice is back to softer again. "I'm not a stalker or a detective. I don't know if you and Ms. Reed had the last dance together. But I'm 100% sure enough she would be the only girl you would dance with over me. Am I correct?"
I slightly shrug.
I don't think I've blinked once this entire conversation. My eyes are burning but I don't know if it's because I haven't blinking or I think I might cry again.
Payton nods. "Okay. Look Jules, I'm not here to make things worse. I can tell things have happened with you and Ms. Reed ever since the dance because you guys seem more distant than usual." Payton sighs. "I know what it's like to have feelings for someone who would never choose you. And it's clear to me that you're struggling with the exact problem I am."
I look down, anywhere but her eyes. "None of this should've happened, Payton. I didn't ask for any of this. And I am so sorry about the dance, I feel so fucking guilty. Things shouldn't be the way they are. I should be with you, not chasing some nightmare as my dream."
Payton places her hands on top of mine and I finally look up at her again. "Look, I can't control what happens in the future but I can control what happens right now. This is eating you up inside and I don't want to see you fall apart over someone who may not be worth it." Her voice continues to get softer. "You deserve better than this Jules. You need someone who won't switch up on you every hour and will love you the way you want to be loved."
Her words sting.
The more she says, the more of a mess my emotions are and the deeper the knife cuts through my chest.
I want to shut Payton out but she's right about everything. Down to the bone. I love my best friends. I haven't known Payton for as long as most of my other friends but she knows me almost as well as Claudia does. It just pains me knowing I'm hurting Payton. I don't deserve her. Even as a friend.
I lay my head on her shoulder and we continue to sit in silence but it's a quiet and comfortable silence.
"How do you know all of the right things to say?" I look up at her and I see her expression subtly change.
She gives me a tight zipped smile. "Well when someone spends years 'playing the field' it's not hard to figure out what's going to happen next. Lots and lots of experience from me being a 'whore.'" Payton looks down, dejected.
"I'm not going to lie Payton, maybe I shouldn't be saying this but you deserve to know. For years I've thought that but that was only because I didn't know you. But when you came up to me that one day in gym, I realized you're so much more than your body count and your looks. You're a beautiful girl inside and out who deserves a beautiful soul. No one should be considered a whore or hoe for trying to find love."
A tear begins to roll down Payton's face but I'm quick to wipe it away. "You make it so hard for me to push my feelings away from you."
We both smile and I pull Payton into the most comforting hug I've had in a while.
"So do you hate me still?"
Payton lets out a little laugh. "No I don't hate you. I never hated you and I will never hate you Jules. You're the most down to earth person I know and I think that's why you stand out so much." Payton pauses for a brief moment. "But you too Jules. I don't know what's going on between you and Ms. Reed behind close doors but it seems like she's not putting in the same effort as you. You deserve someone who will give what you give."
I mean, she's not wrong.
She's never been wrong. Payton's been quick to clock me.
"But how can I do that when she's the only thing on my mind?" I feel guilty saying these words in front of Payton but if she's going to be my therapist right now then I'm going to give her the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
"Just start talking to some random girls at school or online or something. You're pretty well known in America, I'm sure there are girls thirsting over you on TikTok or something."
Once again, she isn't wrong.
I see the TikTok edits of myself everyday.
I may or may not be typing my name in the search bar and watching but I feel like that's what everybody does.
And if you don't, then shut up. You're lying.
But yeah, maybe Payton is right.
Maybe I just need to wake the fuck up, forget about Georgia, and actually go for people who will give me the same energy back.
It's just hard for me to paint a picture with anyone but Georgia because as corny as it sounds, she's the only one I really see myself having a future with. And sure we're on and off and you could call us toxic but that's only because it's the beginning of our relationship.
It's not easy being a student in love with a teacher and vice versa. Of course there are going to be complications. But maybe the only realistic option is to date another student.
I just don't know if I'm ready to give up on Georgia yet.
Authors Words:
Sry I couldnt get it out yesterday I had work
Gonna try and get another chapter out tmrw bc I got SAT saturday
Trust me, the next one will be a little exciting?!
And pls tell me yall get the title. Payton a picture, painting a picture? Yeah its stupid ikik sorry