Chapter 0339

The next morning I wake up alone, blinking in the sunlight, and the grief and loneliness hits me like a truck.

I stare at my window, looking at the patch of blue sky visible through it and listening to the sound of the gulls cawing outside,

thinking that it's beautiful here by the sea. Thinking that Kent gave me this refuge away from everything so that I could have it no

matter what happened to him.

And I realize that he was clever enough to get me a house filled with rooms, because he knew I'd fill it with the people I love. The

people we love.

And then I cover my face with my hands, unwilling to look at any of it, sick with the grief of knowing that I’m waking up here on

this gorgeous morning, listening to the sounds of birds and the crashing of surf —

And he’s, what? Sitting in a cinder block cell about three feet from his toilet?

Kent gave me everything.

And I...I have given him nothing.

My eyes still closed, I reach out my hand to stretch across the bed, to the place he should be sleeping.

And then I smirk, thinking that if Kent were here we wouldn’t be sleeping in this little room. Janeen has the master, and while she

offered it to me the night I got here, I waved her off. It would be ridiculous for her to give up the bedroom she’s been sleeping in

for months just because I technically own the house.

But if Kent had been there with me?

Yeah. Janeen would be out. I laugh a little to think on it.

Then I open my eyes, looking over at the empty expanse of my bed, and I smile a little to remember the last night when Kent

came through the wardrobe and slept with me in my too-small bed, wrapped up in my floral comforter.

If I had known that was going to be our last night, I wouldn't have let him go so easily that morning. I would have...

But I groan, and cover my face with my hands, and force my mind away from it. Because it doesn’t matter what I would have

done.

What matters now...

...iS what I’m going to do.

I exhale a deep breath, moving my hands down from my face and down my body so that they settle low on my stomach. And

then I bend my head a little to look down at myself — though I of course can’t see anything, since I'm covered in layers of

blankets and pajamas.

Still, even though I can’t see...I know it’s there.

“How are you doing, little kidney bean,” I whisper. And then, ridiculously, I wait for a response.

My head falls back on my pillow as I sigh a moment later, realizing how stupid I’m being. But really, sometimes I wonder...when

the hell am I going to feel like a mom? Or even feel pregnant? Because honestly, so far, I’ve got nothing, and it makes me feel —

sometimes — like this is all some kind of hoax.

Honestly, I never believed those TV shows before where the women are eight months pregnant before they realize it, but right

now?

When I'm more than halfway through my first trimester and I feel nothing? I kind of get it.

But I know deep down that the baby

is real. And that eventually my bellyis

going to look li edsnalawel?

baskétsalll dn then I’m going to give

birth and there's going to be a little

person here. I wonder, passively,

what they will be like. Please read the

original content at .

And I smile, a little, when I realize that I hope...

Well, that I hope the baby has red hair. Like me.

And I start to laugh lightly as I realize that I want the baby to have red hair at least a little bit because...well, because I think it will

piss off Kent.

And suddenly I start to laugh harder -

and then I burst into tears, because I

don't know how I k what Could

piss offiKaiat toe alittle

redheaded baby, but I know for sure it

would — that he would be jealous,

and want the baby to have black hair

like him. Please read the original

content at .

And then I realize that I’m also crying because...because I just had my first hope for my new baby. I actually hoped something,

for the baby, and also for me.

And maybe...maybe that’s the start of being a mom: making your first wish for your kid, even when they haven't been born yet.

I start to cry harder now, because

maybe this is the start of.it. Maybe h

Ks startectbelng a niom, all alone in

t Nonely bed in the house that Kent

bought me. Please read the original

content at .

But he should be here for this. For all of it.