Chapter 24

Cammie slept horribly that night, if it could even be considered sleep. She closed her eyes and stilled her body, but her mind wouldn't stop reeling; every attempt to empty her mind and fall asleep was futile. The night played on an endless loop inside of her head, reliving each moment, every word exchanged, every glance. Cammie lost count of how many times she rolled over in bed to pick her up phone only to find it void of any messages.

Virgo hadn't texted and Cammie began to fear that she wouldn't. Cammie had made herself perfectly clear with Virgo: she wasn't ready for anything and she would not be sure when, if ever, she would be. Cammie knew Virgo said she would wait, wait for as long as Canmie wanted, friends or otherwise . . . But the look on Virgo's face that evening, Cammie couldn't get it out of her head; it was like Virgo's heart was shattered, like any hope she may have had for the two of them was sucked right out of her.

God, what was Virgo thinking? Cammie wanted nothing more than to call her and talk through everything, know what was going on in her head, her heart. Cammie wanted to lay everything on the table and be completely open, if only to make this horrible feeling that bad settled in her stomach go away.

But what did that matter? It wasn't like Cammie would do anything about the situation. Virgo could confess her love and Cammie would hesitate, hide behind her fear. Cammie couldn't give Virgo the one thing Virgo wanted, despite how badly Virgo yearned for it, despite how hurt Virgo had been at Cammie's confession. Cammie knew she wouldn't take anything back, wouldn't have done anything different, so really what difference did it make?

A curse escaped Cammie's lips, her stomach twisting into anxious knots.

Virgo lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what she was going to do. She felt completely empty, like all of the air had been sucked out of her and she couldn't breathe. Cammie's confession had robbed her of any feeling.

There had been countless times that night where Virgo had scolded herself, told her that Cammie hadn't told her anything she didn't already know, that Cammie hadn't done anything wrong. Virgo herself had told Cammie to take her time, that they could be friends. But the more time they spent together, the more texts they exchanged, every time Cammie came to study at work with Virgo had all been constructing a home in Virgo's heart where only Cammie could reside; a place that was kept sacred, a place she had promised she would not build.

Virgo laughed bitterly, reminded of lyrics to a rather somber song:

"Cause I built you a home in my heart/

With rotten wood that decayed from the start."

Was that what happened? Had Virgo built Cammie a home made of rotting wood? She had, hadn't she? She let Cammie in, let herself love her, adore her, dream about her, only to have everything taken away.

Tears sprang to Virgo's eyes as the revelation of what was happening hit her: she loved Cammie. Cammie was her Soulmate and she loved her. Her Soulmate didn't love her back, couldn't love her back, wouldn't love her back.

How could she be friends with a girl she loved? How could she possible stand next to her every day and not grab her hand, not kiss her. How could she be with her every day and not tell her how beautiful she was? How much she loved her?

Virgo flipped over and buried her face in her pillow, hoping to drown out the sound of her breaking heart.

The sleepless night turned into an anxious day. Cammie knew Virgo wasn't working the rest of the week, so there was no chance to meet her at the coffee shop. Even if she could see her, should she? It wasn't as if Virgo had made it explicitly clear that she didn't want to see or talk to Cammie, but all of the signs pointed to that conclusion. Since they had exchanged numbers, there wasn't a moment where they were not texting or talking with each other. The whole night and the entire day without a single text? It was wrong.

Was this one of those instances where she needed to give Virgo space? For how long? Was Virgo mad? Upset? Cammie couldn't tell.

All day, Cammie anxiously glanced at her phone, wondering what to do, but no answers came. She made futile attempts to study, but her mind wandered back to Virgo at every available second. She scrolled through Virgo's Instagram, but she hadn't posted anything new. Cammie settled on looking through the old photos, but it only made her miss Virgo more.

A big sigh released itself from Cammie's core. She felt stuck in an entirely new way.

After finding herself staring blankly at the wall again, Cammie decided to give up any hopes of studying. Instead, she would distract herself. Savannah had come home from work a while ago and was in her room, most likely watching a movie. Cammie decided to join her.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Cammie asked, stepping into her room.

"Just watching a movie."

"And you think I'm predictable?"

"This is called relaxing."

"Sure. Mind if I join you? I can't study anymore."

"Sure. Let's go out into the living room."

The girls made their way out to the living room with a television. Cammie prepared popcorn while Savannah chose a movie.

"Hey, Cam. You okay?" Savannah asked when Cammie sat down on the couch next to her, offering her the large bowl of popcorn.

"Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Why?"

The lie hadn't come out as convincigly as she had hoped, but Cammie didn't want to bother Savannah with her problems yet again. Since her Dream, Cammie felt like a new problem cropped up daily and she didn't want to keep burdening Savannah; she leaned on her too often, especially with all this Dream business. No, it was probably time that she figured things out herself.

"You sure? You look tired."

"Yeah, I just didn't sleep well last night. I'm anxious about her exams."

"Oh please. You've been studying nonstop. You just need to relax."

"Yeah, that's why we're watching a movie," Cammie said, more snarky than she had intended.

"Whoa, I'm just joking. What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just stressed. Let's just watch the movie."

Savannah thought a moment.

"How did the date go last night?"

Cammie's face colored and a pang of sadness shot through her stomach.

"It wasn't a date."

"Sure."

Cammie shook her head.

"You're really not going to tell me?"

"There's nothing to tell. We just went to eat, talked about nothing in particular, then came back."

"That's so boring. When are you going to put the moves on her?"

Cammie heard Savannah laughing, so declined to answer. Instead, she reached for the remote and pressed the play button, the pain she had been feeling.

They wasted their day on the couch watching movies. On a normal day, Cammie would have really enjoyed not having to think or focus, but today, she failed to enjoy any of the movies that they watched. She was lost in her own head, overanalyzing every word that was spoken last night; she had a horrible knot in her stomach that grew tighter with each passing second that Virgo didn't text her. She felt absoutely pathetic realizing how ridiculous this all was. Just a few months ago she was sick to her stomach thinking about Virgo and her Dream. Now, she was still feeling anxious and uneasy, but for the exact opposite reasons.

The beds of her fingernails began to bleed as she tore at them unrelently. The stress was wearing them down to mere nubs. It didn't seem to matter what she did, Cammie would be miserable either way. So, what did she want? Did she want to be miserable with the anxieties of being gay? Or did she want to be miserable with the abscence of Virgo?

Cammie vaguely wondered back to her invitation to have Virgo over for a movie night and realized that was out of the question; she was too scared to text Virgo. After Virgo's almost twenty-four-hour absence, Cammie realized Virgo wanted her space. Although Cammie was sure that she had been clear with Virgo about her inability to love her back, perhaps Virgo had been hoping for something more. But hadn't Cammie too? Hadn't she just accepted that she had feelings for Virgo? Of course, that didn't mean that she had to do anything about it, but still. . . Didn't this mean that she wanted something? Even an acknowledgement of some sort?

The mind plays horrible tricks on a person when they are anxious. Now all Cammie could do was second guess everything Virgo did and said. Did she only tell Cammie it was okay to be friends because she wanted an excuse to get close to her and then try to trick her into falling in love? This didn't seem like something Virgo would do, but afterall, how could Cammie know? She hadn't known her that long. And if that was Virgo's grand scheme, was that really the worst thing in the world?

God, what do I want? Cammie bitterly thought. If she couldn't sift through her emotions, how could she expect Virgo to?

Cammie desperately  wished she could run to Virgo, embrace her, give her all the love in the world—the love she deserved. But Cammie knew that despite the blossoming feelings, they were too small for her to act on; too small for her to do anything about, too small in comparison to the mountain of fear that she would have to scale.

But she missed her. She missed talking to her, hearing her laugh. Why couldn't that be enough?

After several days of complete silence from Virgo, Cammie couldn't take it anymore. It was the end of the weekend and midterms were about to begin.

"Sav, I need advice." Cammie said, bursting into Savannah's room. The distressed look on Cammie's face told Savannah it was important.

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I think I messed up with Virgo."

Savannah blinked. "What happened?"

Cammie described the night, how she had began to open up to Virgo, and then crush any hope that Virgo may have had for the two of them to be anythign more than friends.

"She said she understood, but she hasn't talked to me since then." Cammie bit her lip.

"Well, Cam, I don't know Virgo very well, so I can't tell you exactly what she's thinking, but she is probably hurt. Maybe not like the first time, but I'm sure she's still hurting. Maybe she just needs some space? Or maybe you made it very clear to her that you didn't want anything, so she wanted to give you space, so you didn't think she was trying to pursue you or something."

Cammie chewed her lip in contemplation.

"What should I do?"

Savannah thought a moment before answering. "Honestly, I'm not really sure." This was one of those rare moments where Savannah didn't have a plan of action. "I think that there's a fine line here. If you continue to be her friend, you will be hurting her, because she does care about you. It's obvious to everyone around you. She likes you a lot, maybe even loves you now."

Cammie's heart began to race at the declaration of love. Did Virgo love her already? She skipped around the subject the other night, but never outright said it. Was that one of the things she said to Cammie in French? Her mind was reeling.

"I do think that there's a part of you that likes her too, likes her as more than a friend, and does want to be with her. But I don't know how much of yourself you're willing to give. And I'm not sure if you're ready for the consequences of that decision. I know you're scared of what everyone will think, especially your parents. Jess and I have been telling you for years to stop caring about what they think, but that's something only you can decide."

Cammie nodded her head in understand. Really, everything circled back to her parents. Every facet of her life revolved around them. School, a career, and now, apparently, her love life. All that mattered to Cammie in her life, she realized, was her parents.

"I do everything for my parents, don't I?" Cammie asked. She already knew the answer, but when she glanced up and saw Savannah's chagrined expression, her stomach sank.

"I know that you want to please your parents. I know it means a lot to you."

"That's all I've ever known though. I don't know how to tell them no."

"You don't have to tell them no, Cam. We still have an entire year before we graduate, which means you have an entire year left of living here, in LA, away from them. After, we can move into an apartment together close to wherever we work. The point is is that you don't have to stay under your parents thumb. Finish your degree here, because that's what your parents' want. Beyond that, you have control over your own life. You'll have a degree, you can find a job, you can support yourself away from them. Don't let them make this decision for you."

Cammie thought in silence.

"So, all of this to say: you should do what you want. I still believe that Virgo is your Soulmate. I've seen you around her and I've never been so sure of someone for you. She's perfect for you, even if you can't see that yet. There's absolutely no way for your parents to find out about her. So you can keep it from them for as long as you need."

"That's not fair to her though. I don't want her to think I'm ashamed of her."

"Are you?"

"No, it's just, my parents will be and I don't want that for her."

"Then tell her that. Tell her everything you're telling me. Talk to her. Cammie, you've spent so long quietly letting life happen. Go talk to her, tell her what you're thinking. Tell her that you like her, but you're not ready for anything serious. Or tell you like her, but you're scared about your parents. Tell her you like her and you want to marry her. Fuck, I don't know just say something to her. The more times you let these fall outs happen between you two the more you're going to push her away."

Tears were prickling the corners of Cammie's eyes as she thought about a future without Virgo, a future she created. A future where her parents continued to look over her shoulder, to dictate her life, to dictate who she loved. Her heart raced at the thought of defying them. It was a freeing thought, a freeing feeling to break away the chains.

Cammie pulled her phone out of her back pocket. "What should I say?"

"Tell her you're sorry you're an idiot."

Cammie laughed. "You're going to be a great therapist."

Cammie's fingers hovered over the keyboard, a new messaged opened for Virgo. It had been three days since they spoke. She wasn't sure what to say.

Hey, I miss you?

Hey, I'm sorry we fought?

Hey, I changed my mind, you can trust me now?

Virgo lay in her bed, watching a series on Netflix. She hadn't felt motivated to much of anything lately. After the night with Cammie, everything felt off and she had no one to blame but herself. Cammie had been honest with her from the start about not being able to give her anything, yet she had hoped that something was sparking between them. When Cammie quashed those thoughts, she felt like her world shattered. She felt empty all at once, like the contents of everything they had created was spilled.

Although Virgo knew Cammie had been explicitely clear, Virgo had lost sight of herself and let herself fall for Cammie anyway. She hadn't meant to, had thought she had everything under control, but when Cammie rejected her, she found herself back at square one. She had no idea loving someone would be so difficult, would be complicated. She had always imaged sweeping the girl of her Dreams off her feet and having a romantic love story. This had been anything but.

And now she felt like she ruined anything that they had had, if there was anything at all.

Virgo constantly glanced at her phone to see if Cammie had texted her and was both disappointed and relieved each time she failed to see Cammie's name on her phone. Of course, this was to be expected, Virgo was the one that had walked away. She knew that she needed space away from Cammie, to give her clarity, to let herself reset. Although, she wasn't sure how many more times she could do this, how much more she was capable of. She had told Cammie a friendship was all that mattered to her, as long as they could be together in some capacity, but this, she realized, was a lie. A friendship with Cammie was slowly draining her, sucking the life out of her. She wanted to be with Cammie, to hold her, kiss her, lay next to her at night. But she couldn't have any of these things and it felt like her was being torn apart from the inside. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could take.

Was it better to end it now? Or let it go on longer? The latter would hurt her even more, because she knew that each minute she spent with Cammie was like a knife in the heart: having what you wanted so close you could touch it, but not being able to wrap your fingers around it.

Should she just try and make a move on her? Maybe if they kissed, there would be a spark between them that Cammie couldn't deny?

No, that wasn't a possibility. Virgo would never do anything like that, especially when Cammie had already said no. So what was she supposed to do? Watch her heart die slowly? What happened if Cammie fell in love with someone else, right before her eyes? What would she do then?

The complications of the future spun around in her head, making her dizzy.  Was it best if they didn't speak.?That they didn't see each other? It hurt so much, but in the long run, Virgo knew it would probably be for the best, for both of them. She had already tried being with other girls and it made it worse. So perhaps she would be doomed to being single for the rest of her life. She wasn't sure about Cammie though. She would probably force herself to fall in love with a man, if only to please her parents and have everything in her life be perfect.

But hadn't she said that's not what she wanted anymore?

Virgo shook this shred of hope from her head. She didn't want to give herself any reason to believe in them. She knew it would only lead to being hurt. So perhaps that was it, then. She could move back to France once she finished her schooling here. She could make a life for herself far from Cammie and try to forget.

It was then that her phone buzzed. Virgo glanced at the name and her heart stopped. Cammie.

Hey, it's been weird not talking. I'm really sorry for the other night. I didn't want to hurt you. And I know you said that we could be friends, but I understand if that's too hard. I understand if you don't want to talk anymore.

Virgo realized she was crying, the ache in her heart too much, her body begging for a release.

"Putain."

Virgo let the message sit for a while, unsure of how she wanted to answer. She was utterly torn between wanting to embrace Cammie and take her in whatever form she could get and not wanting to have her heart torn in two everytime they spoke.

After what felt like an eternity, Virgo finally found the courage to reply.

Hi Cammie. You don't need to apologize, I do. I'm sorry I haven't texted you. I've just needed some time

Virgo tossed her phone to the side, unable to continue the conversation. It was late and all of her energy lately was being sucked into wondering about Cammie and what she should do. She genuinely didn't believe that her and Cammie would ever be more than friends; Cammie was too scared of the reprecussions of being with her, even if Cammie did like her somewhere deep down, that feeling wasn't powerful enough to break the spell Cammie's parents had cast upon her.

This realization was like a black fog spreading through Virgo's insides, poisioning every thought of Cammie, of any hope for the future. Tears began to fall down Virgo's cheeks, the last remaining shard of her heart crumbling. In its wake was nothing but emptiness.

***

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