Chapter 25

Virgo woke up from another sleepless night. It had been a week since she had seen Cammie and she felt the effects every day she woke up. Each morning, instead of feeling like a new opportunity, felt more like an enduring punishment as she was forced to recall Cammie's absence and the pain it caused. She had a constant ache in her chest and lost interest in most everything, especially music. In the last week, each time she picked up her guitar, the strings wouldn't cooperate, wouldn't hum together in the melodies that once flowed so effortlessly from her fingertips.

The idea of enduring the day already exhausting her. There hadn't been a single night where she could get enough sleep, could rest enough and reset her mind. The entire situation, she realized, was exhausting and frustrating. A main goal in her life had always been to find her Soulmate and live her "Happily Ever After." This was a reasonable goal, she thought. It was perfectly normal to pursue your Soulmate and fall in love. Of course, it wasn't the only goal in her life, but for the last three years it had taken up a hefty portion and she never believed there was anything wrong with that. But now she felt like a fool; now she felt like everything she had done in the last three years was a waste because it had all been in pursuit of her Soulmate, someone who had ultimately rejected her. Sure, she had accomplished many things, like starting a band and moving to the States, but it had all been a consequence of finding her Soulmate. She felt like a stupid girl obsessed with love, only to have it all backfire and thrown in her face. Suddenly, she felt very foolish indeed.

Instead of dwelling on the soul crushing idea that her life these last few years had been a complete and utter waste of time, Virgo reached for her phone like she did every morning.  A text from Cammie illuminated the screen. It was a forgotten text from the night before when Virgo replied to Cammie's initial message and then tossed her phone to the side, too exhausted to hold any type of conversation with the girl. Loving her was too difficult. Cammie was both the only person she wanted to talk to and the last.

What would her mom think? Virgo wondered vaguely. She had been completely supportive of her move to the United States as a temporary change of scenery. Her mother was expecting to her move home after she finished her program and go back to her life in France. Virgo's mother didn't really believe that Virgo's Soulmate would be American. So when Virgo had told her mother all about Cammie, her mother asked what they would do: stay there or move home? Virgo told her she had no idea, especially because Cammie was so resistant to being with Virgo in the first place.

Well, Virgo thought bitterly, at least her mother wouldn't have to worry about her staying in the States after all.

Virgo opened the message from Cammie and scanned the few words she sent. They made her stomach twist up in knots all over again.

Can we talk soon? I know you probably want some space from me because I make your life difficult, but I really want to talk to you. Whenever you're ready.

Virgo took a deep breath. Hadn't Cammie said enough? What could she possible still need to say? But before she could stop herself, think better of it, Virgo found her fingers gliding over the screen.

Yes I can meet you

Is Friday okay? After midterms?

Yes

Okay I'll see you then

Virgo didn't reply. She still wasn't sure she could speak with Cammie yet, it still hurt too much. Instead, Virgo decided to call her mom. It had been a while since they spoke. She quickly did the math in her head to make sure her mother was home from work.

The phone rang a few times before the familiar voice of her mother answered on the other end.

« Hi, Mom. How are you? »

« Virgo, Sweetie! I miss you. It's been too long. How is school? How is Cammie? »

« It's a bit complicated . . . I don't think that she wants to be with me. I don't know I should do. »

« What's wrong? »

Virgo relayed everything she knew about Cammie to her mother. She explained that Cammie was born to please her parents and hadn't been able to shake that habit. The worst part of it all was that Virgo didn't fit into that picture perfect plan Cammie's parents' had for her, so Virgo didn't fit anywhere either.

« So, she is too scared of her parents' opinion of her to do anything in her life that she wants. She's going to school for them, she's getting a job for them, and she won't be with me because of them. She told me this last week. She told me she was not ready for anything and was not sure if she would ever be. »

There was a pause on the other end as her mother took this in.

« I'm sorry, honey. What do you think you're going to do? I wish I could tell you what to do or help you in some way. »

« I don't know. I feel like a failure. »

« You're not a failure. Things just don't always work out the way they are supposed to. That doesn't mean it's your fault. Sometimes there's nothing you can do. »

Virgo thought vaguely to her parents' relationship.

« So there's nothing I can do? »

« I don't know, Honey. I think only you can answer that. You know her better than I do. Do you think there's any chance that Cammie can return your feelings? »

Virgo thought hard about this, really gave it thought. She projected her mind into the future, trying to create an image with Cammie in it, but a dark shadow loomed over everything, the shadow of her parents.

« No. No, I don't think there is. »

« I'm so sorry Sweetie. I know how much this hurts. »

Virgo blinked back tears. « I know mom.

« You can always come home. Your family is always here for you. Always. »

« I know mom. »

« I love you Virgo. »

« I love you too, mom. I have to go. It was good to speak with you. »

The week of midterms went by in a blur. Neither Virgo nor Cammie could focus on their exams, but they somehow made it through and found themsleves face to face with the Friday evening in which they were to meet. Cammie arrived early, sitting on the same lifeguard tower they had sat weeks ago, gnawing on her nails. Her insides felt like they were melted.

Virgo arrived shortly after Cammie, reluctant to have this conversation, because she knew nothing good would come of it. After speaking with her mother, Virgo was beginning to realize and understand that her relationship with Cammie was dissolving.

"Coucou," Virgo said. She smiled up at Cammie but it didn't reach her eyes. A pang of sadness ripped through Cammie's stomach. The pain that she had caused Virgo was palpable.

"Hi."

Virgo climbed the ladder and sat down next to Cammie, staring out at the ocean. Her body was rigid, tense.

"How was your week?" Cammie asked, trying to release some of the tension. Her heart was hammering in her chest with anxiety.

"It was fine, thanks. Yours?"

"About the same."

Virgo forced herself to look at Cammie. "And your exams? They were okay?"

Cammie nodded, afraid to speak. Her heart was hammering in her chest. This was not the Virgo she knew, this was the Virgo she had created.

"Yeah, they were fine. I think I did fine."

Cammie knotted her fingers together in a nervous tug, not entirely sure how to start off the conversation. The two girls say in an uncomfortable silence, unsure of how to approach the other.

Cammie eventually swallowed down her fear and began.

"I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry."

"You don't have to keep apologizing to me."

"No, I do. It's just, it's hard for me to accept all of this. Even though I know it's not my parents' life, it's still hard for me to do anything that they wouldn't agree with. I don't even want to be a laywer anymore, but I just can't tell them that. I'm scared of what they'll say and what they'll think."

Virgo listened silently. These were things that she already knew.

"And I think that I feel like the same sense of fear about you and about my Dream."

Still, Virgo said nothing.

"I'm just scared of what they'll think."

"I know," was all Virgo said.

Cammie chewed her lip. She could see that she wasn't telling Virgo anything that she didn't already know but she didn't know how to tell her what she really needed to say, that she wanted to be with her. She just couldn't spit the words out, as if there was some mental block preventing her from being honest, from opening her heart.

Virgo's face was expressionless. It was easy to understand what Cammie's indecisiveness and cowardice was doing to this girl that she claimed to care about.

"I know that you said you could be friends with me and you would wait as long as I needed, but I don't want you to keep a promise like that. Not if it's hurting you." Cammie looked up earnestly, her eyes boring into Virgo's trying to read her expression. "I don't want to be the reason you're hurt."

Virgo smiled sadly.

"Tu es la raison de tout. Tu me fait mal parce que je t'aime et je ne peux pas changer cela."

"You say things to me in French that you're scared to say to me in English."

"No, I say things to you in French that you're scared to hear in English."

"Speak to me in English. Tell me what you're thinking."

Virgo stared back at Cammie. What did she have to lose? She had already lost her, hadn't she? Cammie had already told her no, had already established the boundaries. In fact, she just reiterated this fact right now as they sat together. The truth had been confessed: Cammie's fear was greater than whatever she felt for Virgo.

The girls sat together, so close, yet miles apart. In this moment, where Virgo realized Cammie was giving her everything she possibly could, Virgo realized it wasn't enough, it would never be enough. Virgo couldn't be Cammie's friend anymore, that much she was certain.

"Your family comes first, Cammie. I understand this. I'm not asking you to choose them over me."

"That's not what I'm asking. I'm asking you to tell me the truth: tell me what you're thinking. Tell me how you feel."

"It doesn't matter what I think. It matters what your parents think."

"It matters to me what you think."

"What do you want me to say, Cammie?" Virgo searched for the right words, her English suddenly failing her. "What can I say? You have already made your decision. It doesn't matter how I feel about you. I'm not mad at you for this. I know that your parents' opinions matter to you more than anything. I'm not blaming you for this, but I don't fit in anywhere here. I don't fit in with your life."

Tears began to prick at the corner's of Cammie's eyes as she realized that her parents, who have kept her under their thumb her entire life, whom she strove to please, were now hurting Virgo, hurting this woman who only wanted to love Cammie. Her parents took art away from her, they took everything from her. She couldn't let them take this.

"But you do have a place in my life," Cammie whispered. "You're here with me. And I'm sorry it's been so hard for me. I'm sorry it's been so hard to accept who I am, to accept you, to realize that I can't live my life for my parents. I don't know how long it will take me to figure this all out."

"Cammie, I'm not asking you to figure this out. I'm not asking you to pick them over me."

"I know you're not asking me to, but I have to, right? Because I'm about to lose you. I can feel it. You're not here, you're far away, protecting yourself from me, because I haven't been able to love you."

Virgo said nothing, her face burning with the shameful truth.

"Please, tell me what you're thinking, Virgo. Please tell me."

When Virgo looked up, tears were falling from her eyes, mirroring Cammie's own desperate expression.

"I can't be your friend, Cammie. It's too difficult." Virgo all but whispered. "I know that I told you I would be your friend if that's what you wanted, but I don't know if it's possible. It's too hard for me to do this; to be around you, to be with you, and not be more than friends. It's hurting me."

There it was: the decision that Virgo had needed to make, hadn't wanted to make, but there it was. She knew with finality she couldn't be Cammie's friend. This was the confession that Cammie wanted, that she needed to hear, to know what Virgo was thinking and to know, finally, that Virgo was walking away, that she was going to lose her.

"I'm not blaming you. There's nothing you can do about how you feel. But I don't think I can do this anymore. It's very clear to me that you won't return my feelings. I can't deal with that. I know this is selfish of me and I am sorry for that. But I can't help how I feel."

Cammie's heart was ripping in two, listening to Virgo's confession. But Virgo didn't understand; she did like her, she did have feelings for her, but she just wasn't ready to do anything about them. If only she could have a little more time, more time to figure this out . . .

No.

No, she couldn't ask Virgo for that. Virgo had given her time, given her space; Cammie was still too scared to tell her parents, to tell anyone, to even hold Virgo's hand in public. She knew she couldn't keep stringing Virgo along until she was ready—if she was ever ready. No, Virgo deserved to be cut free from her, cut free from this tangled web she found herself in. Even if it wasn't Cammie, Virgo deserved to find someone who would love her like she needed. To hell with the fucking Dream. There was absolutely no way it could be real if it brought the two of them together, two people who simply weren't compatible. Maybe Virgo was Cammie's Soulmate—in fact, she was sure that Virgo was—but it was impossible for Cammie to be Virgo's Soulmate. It just couldn't be possible, not after all of this. Not when Cammie couldn't give Virgo the most basic thing.

Just tell her. Tell her! Cammie screamed to herself. Just spit the words out. Tell her!

"Okay. Yeah, I get it. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this, for everything," Cammie said instead, feeling absolutely pathetic.

"Please stop apologizing, Cammie."

Cammie inhaled a deep, shaking breath.

"I don't think I can, not until I stop doing things that I need to apologize for."

Virgo smiled sadly.

"Good luck with everything. With your parents, with school, with your career. I know that you'll do wonderful."

Each sentence was driving the knife deeper into Cammie's heart.

She bit her lip to keep from sobbing.

Tell her!

"You too, Virgo. I hope that you find someone that will make you really happy."

"Je t'aimerai toujours."

Virgo climbed down from the lifeguard tower, wiping her eyes, not allowing herself to turn around, couldn't allow herself to look back at Cammie, at the girl she loved. Cammie watched her go, watched her walk away.

Tell her, Cammie. Tell her. Say something. Say anything

"What did you say?" Cammie called, scrambling up to the edge of the tower. Tears were streaming down her face and her body felt like it weighed a million pounds. She couldn't bear to not know the last words Virgo spoke to her. The last words she would ever hear. She needed to know what Virgo said. "What did you say in French?"

Virgo turned around, hands shoved deep into her jacket pockets. Cammie stood, determined, suddenly fearless, demanding.

"I have to know." Cammie called when Virgo hesitated. "Please."

"I said 'I will always love you'."

"You love me?"

"I have loved you since I first Dreamed of you, Cammie."

"Wait," Cammie croaked, her voice breathing. She clambered down the lifeguard tower and through the sand, catching up with Virgo. "Wait."

Virgo obliged, looking at Cammie, who seemed to be struggling with her words.

"I know that . . . I . . . I mean, I know that I always do what my parents want. I told you that I didn't know—um—what I wanted. I just—Fuck. I don't know what I'm saying."

Virgo continued to wait. Her expression was unimpressed.

"I. . ." Cammie chewed on her lip. "I can't lose you." She glanced up, afraid to look into Virgo's eyes. Virgo stared back, her expression unreadable. "I'm just scared. I'm scared."

Virgo smiled sadly.

"I know you can't wait for me. I know that. I know it's not fair to ask you to wait for me. But Virgo, I—I care about you. A lot. I, um. . ."

Cammie glanced away, then looked back. She could see that she wasn't making her point clear, wasn't convincing Virgo to stay, wasn't telling Virgo how she felt. Why couldn't she just spit the words out?

"You love me?" Cammie asked.

"Of course."

Cammie closed the distance she had left between them and pulled Virgo in to kiss her, pulling her face down the few inches that separated them. When their lips met, it was like nothing she had ever experienced, not with anyone. All at once, everything felt calm, like the world that had been spinning off its hinges, was suddenly righted; the pain that was aching in Cammie's chest dulled to a mere memory.

Time seemed to stop when their lips met. Cammie couldn't be sure how long the two of them stood like that, their arms wrapped around each other, pressing all of their pain, fear, and love into each other. Cammie pulled away first, dizzy from the contact.

Virgo's eyes were wide with shock, still glistening with the tears that had been falling only moments before.

"Please don't go."

Without a word, Virgo pulled Cammie in and wrapped her arms around her Soulmate tightly. She inhaled the scent of Cammie's shampoo and let her weigh fall against Cammie, finally able to let herself fall into the girl she loved.

"I've waited so long for this," Virgo whispered into Cammie's ear. Cammie was resting her head on Virgo's shoulder, letting the girl hold her, care for her. Cammie felt all of the tension that had been bundled up in Virgo release as their bodies fell in together.

"I'm sorry it took me so long," Cammie replied.

"What about—"

"Nothing matters. Only you."

They pulled apart and rested their foreheads on one another, gazing into each others eyes. Virgo explored the vast ocean of blue that bore into her own eyes. Cammie searched Virgo's deep brown eyes, the first time she allowed herself to be this close to her, to let herself feel that attraction, to really look into Virgo's eyes and see all the love that was hidden there.

"I've never told you that I think you're beautiful. I think you're the most gorgeous girl I've ever seen," Cammie mumbled.

Virgo closed her eyes and pressed her hand to Cammie's cheek, running her thumb along her jawline.

"Tu es la plus belle fille du monde. je suis très chanceuse."

"I really like when you speak in French," Cammie confessed.

"Je te parlerai souvent en français."

Cammie smiled, burying her face into Virgo's chest. Virgo kissed the top of Cammie's head and gazed out to the ocean, watching the beautiful sunset that was painted in the sky. This was paradise.

***

Thank you everyone for reading! I tried to make up for my sporadic updating by updating twice in the same week. :) Also, I couldn't handle leaving the story so sad like that, it was hurting me, so I just had to write and get through it.

As always, you guys are all amazing. Thank you for supporting me and the story!