Chapter 30

Despite their perfect last few days and despite being wrapped in Virgo's warm embrace throughout the night, Cammie couldn't fall asleep. After reading Virgo to sleep, moving through several more chapters until Virgo's breathing changed to the soft exhales of unconsciousness, Cammie lay awake, her mind reeling and spinning.

Virgo fell asleep on Cammie's chest, her soft breathing a small comfort through the turmoil of her mind, an entity that seemed determined to make her miserable whenever she felt most happy. Mechanically, Cammie ran her hands through Virgo's long locks as if this mindless, constant movement of her hands would keep the anxiety that tried to swallow her hole at bay.

An exasperated exhale escaped from deep within Cammie's throat, an attempt at dispelling the knots that formed in her stomach, making her feel like she was weighted down with a ton of rocks.

Tomorrow, Jess was coming.

This in itself was exciting; Cammie missed her sister dearly, especially now that they had grown so much closer. Unfortunately, Jess' visit meant the impending trip to their parents house. Their parents. Their mother. After four months of separation, they would all be reunited. In the span of that four months, Cammie had her Dream, lied to her parents about it, broke up with Adam, the man whom she claimed was her Soulmate, and began seeing the woman who was actually her Soulmate. There had been little discourse between Cammie and her parents in those months, except the very pointed phone call in which Elizabeth Driver demanded Cammie's presence at their father's annual gathering.

Cammie recalled the phone call with disdain: her mother had done nothing but nag. Nag about the party, about her grades, about her studies. It was infuriating. This anger and frustration that had been safely sectioned off was cracking through the carefully sealed doors, complete with sealant for any cracks that formed along the way. Cammie worried for their visit home.

The insides of her stomach twisted into knots as she played out scenarios in her head. Of course her parents would ask about everything since seeing them last January, but how well would she be able to lie to them? How well would she be able to convince them that everything in her life—and consequently theirs—was perfectly normal, perfectly okay, and perfectly up to expectations? More importantly, would Cammie be able to hide the anger she felt toward them now? This anger was completely uncharacteristic of her and she worried about how to channel it and disguise herself as the perfect daughter once again. Would the mask she had worn be enough to throw them off her trail?

After hours of staring into the black darkness, the lights moving across her room with the flow of the city, Cammie decided to slip out of bed. She carefully turned on the small light at her desk and pulled out her sketch book. Rough shapes appeared all over the page, seemingly random at first, but soon began to morph together into a coherent scene. A man sat on a bench with his head in his hands, suit in disarray, his briefcase open with papers flying out. Out of where his head should have been funneled a cloud of smoke, filling the upper three-quarters of the page. Within the smoke, random shapes were drawn. As her hand worked over the page, the shapes began to take form: books with torn pages, broken pencils, a shattered picture frame, bent glasses, some birds, even a few raindrops. The mess of random images floated around in the chaotic mess of this man's head.

Cammie jumped at the sudden hand on her shoulder.

"Shit," she exclaimed, jumping in her seat.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Virgo rasped, her voice coated with sleep. Barely visible in the dim light, Cammie could make out that Virgo was dreary with sleep. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Couldn't sleep."

Virgo peeked at the drawing, studying the details, the hurried, almost desperate strokes. The lines were very heavy, dark. Virgo felt that she could read the distress within the lines, not to mention the piece itself. She took a moment to study each of the random items swirling around in the man's head; she couldn't make heads or tails of it.

Cammie stood abruptly, pushing her drawing aside. Virgo, startled by her sudden movement and too close to move out of the way, caught Cammie in her arms when she stood.

"You're okay?" Virgo asked again, searching deep within the ocean of Cammie's blue eyes. With a gentle hand, Virgo guided Cammie's chin so that Cammie was forced to look at her. Those piercing blue eyes bore into Virgo; one could lose more than just themselves in them.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I was just having trouble sleeping. Let's go back to bed."

Virgo bit back her retort, fully aware that Cammie was lousy at lying, but decided not push; if Cammie wanted to talk, she would tell Virgo what was on her mind when she was ready. With gentle hands, Virgo led Cammie back to bed, climbing in first and holding the sheets back for her.

Cammie slipped in beside Virgo, her cold feet pressing against Her bare skin, who did her best not to jump from the sudden shock.

"Sorry," Cammie said, offering a weak laugh.

"C'est pas grave."

The girls fell back into their pillows. Though sleep was calling to her, Virgo wouldn't let her eyes close, instead listening to Cammie's breathing, trying to ascertain if she was falling asleep. In the dead of night, it seemed impossible to guess at how much time had passed, but after what seemed like a long while, Virgo decided to break the silence.

"Do you want me to read to you?" Virgo asked through the darkness. It felt like reaching into a void and trying to pull her out. After a moment of Virgo staring at Cammie, the only light illuminating her face that soft yellow of the city, Cammie finally nodded.

Virgo pulled Le Petit Prince off the nightstand and opened it to the second chapter. Before she began reading, she peeked at Cammie: she was like a clam, shell clamped shut, unwilling to open and reveal the pearl inside.

"J'ai ainsi vécu seul, sans personne avec qui parler véritablement, jusqu'à une panne dans le désert du Sahara, il y a six ans. Quelque chose s'était cassé dans mon moteur. Et comme je n'avais avec moi ni mécanicien, ni passagers, je me préparai à essayer de réussir, tout seul, une réparation difficile. C'était pour moi une question de vie ou de mort. J'avais à peine de l'eau à boire pour huit jours."

Cammie focused on each of the different and unique sounds, trying to hear the pauses between words and isolate each individual syllable Virgo spoke. At first, it all sounded mashed together, like one long, extended word that ran on and on.

"Alors vous imaginez ma surprise, au lever du jour, quand une drôle de petite voix m'a réveillé. Elle disait :," Virgo paused and whispered to Cammie some context: "The pilot's airplane has broken down and the little prince has appeared and asked the pilot to make him a drawing of a sheep."

Virgo cleared her throat and read the next line in the best imitation of a little French boy:

"– S'il vous plaît... dessine-moi un mouton !"

A small smile appeared on Cammie's lips when she heard the silly voice Virgo gave the boy.

"– Hein !

– Dessine-moi un mouton..."

"Why does he want a drawing of a sheep?" Cammie asked.

"We will find out," Virgo replied, diving back into the story.

Cammie did not find out, however, because French was a complete mystery to her and after listening to Virgo read for a few minutes she found her eyes heavy and finally found the escape of unconscious sleep.

Stress dreams haunted Cammie the entire night. She dreamed of interactions with her parents going horribly wrong; of failing school, of her parents finding out about Virgo and disowning her. Every horrible thought that had lodged itself in her brain since her Dream was suddenly putting on an encore performance.

Cammie woke with her eyes heavy from drowsiness and Virgo watching her.

"Mon amour, ce qui ne va pas?"

Cammie offered a weak smile, one that didn't nearly reach her eyes.

"I'm okay. Thanks for reading to me last night."

"Tout pour toi."

"Your French is very beautiful."

Virgo watched as Cammie struggled against the demon of her mind, struggled to be present, struggled with her. Suddenly, her own demon wedged itself into her thoughts and a tiny seed of anxiety was planted. The transformation into the chameleon was back as Cammie slowly shifted away from the carefree girl she watched in the kitchen and morph into this girl she did not know.

"J'ai peur que tu partes et que tu ne reviennes pas. J'ai peur que tu sois coincé," Virgo mumbled.

Cammie shook her in head in confusion.

"Where are you?" Virgo asked instead of translating.

"I'm right here."

"No, you're faraway."

Cammie sighed, her eyes sliding shut as she took a deep breath.

"I have to see my parents this week," she finally said. The nervous habit of biting the inside of her cheek returned. "That's why Jess is coming home. I convinced her to come with me."

"You don't want to see your family?"

Cammie took a moment to answer, because really, she didn't quite know how to answer.

"I'm not entirely sure. I'm really excited to see Jess. But seeing Jess means seeing my parents. And that makes me nervous. I used to love going home, but I haven't gone home in four months, which is a lot for me. I think already they'll know something is wrong."

"Why haven't you gone home?"

There was a slight pause before Cammie answered in which she decided she didn't want to lie to Virgo anymore.

"My Dream."

Virgo recalled previous conversations in which Cammie revealed that she had lied to her family about her Dream, about her. The pain was still fresh from that revelation and Virgo hated to admit that she still felt a slight pang of hurt at knowing Cammie hated her the first few months after her Dream.

"Why haven't you wanted to go home since your Dream?"

"It stressed me out to think about facing my parents."

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared they'll see through all the lies I've told."

"What lies are you telling them?"

"Well, I outright lied about my Dream. You know, I just thought I could lie to them about it and somehow convince Adam to stay with me, which didn't work. And then after that, I thought I could just make up some lie about never meeting my Soulmate, but that won't work either, because you're here with me now and I couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know how I could possibly hide you from you them when you mean so much to me."

Cammie looked looked into Virgo's eyes earnestly, begging her to understand that Virgo herself was not the problem, but Cammie's parents. Truly, it was never Virgo's fault, any of it, even if Cammie had made it seem that way; everything stemmed from her parent's absurd expectations, expectations that Jess had been able to break free of, but not Cammie.

"And you know, now, I'm starting to just question everything: school, my career choice, my future. I really don't think I want any of that stuff anymore." Cammie paused thoughtfully. "Or if I ever wanted that stuff. So now, I feel like when I go home, my parents will be able to see that I'm not the same person anymore. That I'm changing."

Virgo nodded, unsure of what to say to comfort Cammie and unsure if she was supposed to say anything to comfort Cammie, or if this was the time to listen. She chose the latter.

"I guess I'm a little scared that I'm changing too. I've known what I've wanted for so long and suddenly it's gone. It's really scary. And my parents hate change, and that thought is scary too: what are they going to think when they find out?"

The obsessive gnawing on the inside of her cheeks returned. There seemed to be a scenario playing behind Cammie's eyes.

"I guess I already know what they'll think. I've seen how they treat Jess."

"Why do they treat her differently?" Virgo asked.

"It's not that they don't love her or anything, but I can plainly see how disappointed my mother is every time Jess is around or her name is brought up. She's almost like a stain upon her name."

"Why does your mother care so much about what you girls do?"

"I come from a family that has very clear and strict expectations and they don't like it when anything strays from that standard. Hence why we almost never see Jess: she's the black sheep of the family."

"And she is the black sheep because she does what she wants? Like study art and moved away to Washington?"

"Exactly."

"And if you do what you want, you'll be ostracized too?"

"I'm almost certain."

"So why are you going home if you don't want to?"

Cammie sighed. "Every year my dad has this party. He invites a bunch of big shot lawyers and clients. It's like networking for him. I'm always required to be there since I'm supposed to be taking over the family business or whatever."

"You don't like it?"

"No, I hate it. I have to dress all nice, pretend to be something I'm not, act all proper. It's suffocating. I feel so fake."

"Then don't go."

Virgo said this so simply, so matter-of-fact, that Cammie, for a moment, believed that she could make that choice and simply not attend. As quick as the thought appeared, it vanished and Cammie laughed humorlessly.

"Yeah right, my parents would kill me. They're basically paying for my education. I can't do anything to compromise that."

Virgo frowned.

"That doesn't sound fun."

"No, it isn't. That's why all of these thoughts about changing career paths and not being happy at school suck—I can't do anything about it."

"You're not happy at school?"

Cammie opened her mouth to reply, then hesitated. What had she just said? She thought about the words that had jumped out of her mouth of their own accord, her face scrunching into thought.

"No . . . I guess I'm not."

"Cammie, you should do something about this."

"I can't," Cammie spat bitterly, believing herself to be trapped. Before Virgo could formulate a reply, however, Cammie snapped her head up, a fake smile plastered on her face: the chameleon was back. "So, are you ready to meet my sister?"

A beat passed in which Virgo decided to drop the subject and revisit it. Perhaps now was not the time to delve into the family drama, but Virgo knew this wouldn't be the last time this issue occurred.

"Yes, let's go."

They rose from bed and dressed for the day. As they drove to the airport, Virgo riding in the seat next to her, Cammie wondered what Jess expected from her in terms of a Virgo update. Did she expect her and Virgo to be affectionate? What did Virgo expect? It seemed so far that Virgo had allowed Cammie to lead in this dance, following her every step, never taking control. Would it be easier for them both if Cammie passed the reigns to Virgo and allowed her to show them the way?

Cammie laughed to herself: as if that would be possible. The thought of holding Virgo's hand in public intimidated her beyond words. She would be scared to look up at anyone, scared to see the judgement on their faces, even more scared to hear what they said.

Jess was just the first step. Confessing these things and showing them to Jess was already a huge leap for Cammie who preferred to keep her personal life a secret from her sister and family. To expose her secrets to Jess, to confess that she indeed had feelings for Virgo, was already overwhelming. As Cammie worried and stressed over how to tell Jess and what to tell her, her thoughts tumbled out of control down a slippery slope in which she was suddenly standing in front of her parents, telling them everything. Her heart rate spiked.

"Are you okay?" Virgo asked.

Cammie realized she was tense, gripping the steering wheel. "Yeah, I'm fine." She flashed a smile.

"What are you thinking about?" Cammie raised a quizzical eyebrow at Virgo as if to ask, how do you know I'm thinking about something? "You always chew the inside of your cheek when you're thinking about something."

Cammie blinked. No one had ever pointed that out to her. Of course, she immediately stopped the nervous chewing.

"You notice everything," Cammie said, instead of acknowledging what Virgo was asking.

"It's easy with you. You're very . . . What's the word? Expressive with your face."

Cammie laughed. "I guess I wear my emotions on my sleeve."

Virgo nodded.

Cammie relaxed and placed her hand on the center counsel of the car. Virgo took this opportunity to reach her hand over and grasp it, hoping to ground and comfort the girl she loved. Reflexively, Cammie gasped and pulled her hand away.

Both girls apologized at once.

"Virgo, I. . ." Cammie began, fumbling over her words. Virgo had withdrawn her hand into her lap, the hurt plainly written across her face. "I'm sorry, I just. . ."

Virgo shook her head. "It's okay. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cross any boundaries."

What boundaries though? What could Cammie say that would convey to Virgo why she was suddenly uncomfortable when the last two nights they slept together embracing, kissing?

"No, it's not that."

"Are you embarrassed of me?"

"No. God, no."

"I don't understand. You're fine sleeping with me, but I can't hold your hand?"

Cammie gnawed on her lip, her heart pounding in her ears. She was caught. What should she say? Of course she wasn't embarrassed of Virgo, but to be seen with her in public, that wasn't something she was ready for. But she had to be, right? Because she took the next steps. But if she wasn't embarrassed, what was she? Why didn't she want to be touched outside of the safety of her bedroom?

"Talk to me," Virgo demanded. "I don't know what's going on inside your head. You have to talk to me."

Talk? Cammie almost laughed. She never talked to anyone about what she was thinking. That was the point, right? If you never tell anyone what you're thinking, you can't disappoint anyone, you can just blend in.

"At my house, it's safe," Cammie slowly explained, her words sticking in her throat, the explanation muddy. "It's controlled. It makes me nervous to hold your hand or show affection in public. I don't . . . I don't really know why I feel like this, I just do."

Virgo gave her a hard look, silent for what felt like an eternity until she finally spoke. "Okay."

Cammie chewed her lip nervously. "Okay? That's it?"

"What can I say? I won't force you to do anything. If it makes you uncomfortable, then I won't touch you."

"No, that's not what I meant."

"Then you will have to be very clear, because I don't know what you want," Virgo snapped.

Cammie swallowed nervously. "I just get . . . nervous, I guess. I'm"—a deep breath—"nervous about what other people will think."

The confession felt a bullet in her chest. Virgo masked the hurt that she instantly felt, pushing it aside. She had to remember that she was dealing with: Cammie, a girl who cared deeply about what other people thought of her; a girl who had never been with another girl; a girl who never stepped out of line; a girl who lived to please. She remembered that Cammie wanted to compartmentalize her life: Virgo in one place, everything else in another. Could she fault her for this? Maybe not, but Virgo felt that if Cammie was justified in her obsession with perception, then her anger and hurt were justified as well.

"J'aimerais que tu cessies de tu soucier de ce que les autres pensent de tu."

Cammie glanced between Virgo and the road as they approached the airport. Where was the bravery to ask Virgo to say that in English? Where was that same boldness that invigorated Cammie the night they stood on the shoreline? Fear consumed Cammie; she was too afraid to ask what Virgo meant because she knew she wouldn't like the answer. This was the definition of a coward, wasn't it? But really, she had been a coward her whole life, this was no exception.

"I'm sorry," Cammie whispered again.

"No, you don't need to apologize. It's your choice."

And my choices hurt you, yet again, Cammie thought bitterly.

Before she could formulate a proper response, Cammie's phone rang. It connected through the Bluetooth and suddenly Jess' voice filled the car.

"Hey," Cammie said, almost grateful for a distraction from the tension.

"Hey, I'm outside by Southwest."

"Okay, we're just getting in. We should be there in, like, five minutes."

"Okay see you soon."

Cammie hung up the phone and an awkward silence hung in the air. Cammie felt that she needed to say something—anything—to clear the air between them before Jess was introduced to Virgo; she didn't want their first meeting to be awkward because of Cammie.

"Virgo—"

"It's fine, Cammie," Virgo said dismissively.

So that was it.

They pulled up to the curb in silence, not an angry silence—Cammie could sense that Virgo wasn't angry, but rather introspective, withdrawn into herself, contemplative. Virgo, for her part, wasn't angry at Cammie, but she did feel anger and she knew it was unwarranted. But she was also thinking of the future, about the challenges that lay ahead of them, even for something as simple as holding hands. Or what she thought was simple.

They both stepped out to greet Jess. Cammie ran around to the other side of the car and embraced her sister. They hugged, but Jess imminently pulled away and turned her attentions to Virgo.

"Hi, Virgo. It's so nice to finally meet you. I'm Jess, Cammie's younger sister."

Virgo, once again, hesitated, wondering if she should shake her hand or hug her. Jess answered the question for her and pulled Virgo into a hug, which Virgo awkwardly returned. Cammie noticed and laughed, informing her sister that Virgo was still not used to how much Americans hugged.

Virgo found herself laughing as well and admitting that it was true.

Jess laughed. "Oh right. You do the cheek thing?"

Virgo laughed. "Yes, bisous, bisous."

"Okay, I'm game. Let's do it."

Virgo laughed, but oblidged and so they embraced in the French way, pressing their cheeks to each others and kissing.

"Very good," Virgo laughed.

Cammie watched Virgo closely; everything seemed to be completely normal, as if they hadn't just had a small bout only minutes before.

Virgo looked back and forth between the two sisters. "You two look like you could be twins."

They laughed.

"We get that a lot," Jess admitted. "I'm obviously the hotter one though."

Virgo laughed while Cammie glared at her sister.

"Look who's suddenly Miss Talkative," Cammie muttered.

"I don't have anything to say at home, that's why."

"I'm scared to hear what you're going to say now."

"Honestly I'm more interested in Virgo right now, sorry Cam."

Virgo laughed.

They piled into the car, Jess claiming the passenger seat, but completely turned around to face Virgo the entire drive home. She was content chatting with her and getting to know her. Jess mostly asked questions about France, where she came from, her family. She was also very interested in Virgo's music. But the entire drive home, Jess didn't ask a single question about Virgo and Cammie's relationship.

***

As always, thank you guys SO much for reading and supporting my story. It means the world to me :) This story hit 15k reads and I'm honestly blown away by how many people are reading, voting, and commenting! I love reading each and every one of your comments. You guys are the best!

Aux francophones, je suis désolée pour les erreurs en français. Ma fiancée relit généralement mes chapitres avant de publier, mais aujourd'hui elle était très occupée. J'espère qu'il n'y a en avait pas beaucoup :)