Chapter 32

A small knock at the door, which indicated the knocker's lack of confidence, sounded through Cammie's room. She had tried to sleep, but quickly gave up the futile attempt and perched herself upon her desk chair, one leg tucked under her, back aching from the odd angle and which she hunched over the sketchbook, her hand moving wildly all over the page.

Cammie glanced at the door, but declined to give an answer. After a moment of the knocker's indecision, the door creaked open. Jess crossed the threshold and offered Cammie both a meek smile and a vanilla shake.

"Hey," Jess said, placing the shake on Cammie's desk and walking to the corner of the room to tug open her suitcase. She stripped off her clothes and pulled on pajamas while Cammie wrapped her fingers around the olive branch.

"You don't have to apologize," Cammie said.

"I hurt your feelings."

"What you said was true."

"Maybe I didn't say it so nicely or at the right time."

"It needed to be said."

"Maybe not."

Cammie swiveled on her chair to look at her sister, who offered her another weak smile as she sat on the bed. The two sisters assessed one another, eyes bouncing over the other, scanning, as if trying to discern some secret or clue. Absentmindedly, Cammie sipped the contents of her drink, wondering what to say to her sister. Jess wondered the same. After their exchange at the party, there seemed to be little else to say, though both sisters wanted to say something to fill the silence, it seemed to be quite the task. Eventually, Cammie spoke, once her drink was half-way drained.

"I think I needed to hear it," Cammie said, reflecting. "I think I needed someone to yell at me for me to finally stand up for myself."

Jess nodded solemnly. Although she couldn't say that she was happy, exactly, about how things had happened, about how she had handled her sister's cowardice and indecision, Jess supposed that Cammie was right: it had to be said—or rather yelled—for Cammie to finally understand.

"So what happened with Virgo?"

Cammie shrugged, sipping her dessert, and gave Jess the condensed version of their exchange.

"Jesus," Jess muttered.

"Yeah."

The two girls lapsed into a silence as they both considered the series of events that transpired this evening. Cammie, though deeply wounded, felt that tonight had been a small victory for herself. Perhaps things had not panned out the way she hoped, but if she was being honest with herself, she hadn't really had expectations for the night other than feeling uncomfortable in her own skin, worrying about every detail, wondering what everyone, especially Virgo, thought. After her outburst, Cammie felt a strong sense of relief, as if another weight had been lifted from her shoulders. It seemed that of late, Cammie was shedding more and more of the unnecessary burdens that had cause her to slouch under their weight her entire life.

"I'm proud of you for finally standing up for yourself. It's about time." Jess said, a faint smile appearing.

"Yeah, well," Cammie began. "I'm not really sure what's going to happen now. Virgo might hate me."

"I doubt that."

Cammie shrugged, not sure that was case. How many times would Virgo allow Cammie to push her away? How long would Virgo allow this roller coaster of emotions to continue before she wanted off the ride, decide the pleasure wasn't worth the cost of the pain? For her part, Cammie understood this; she knew that it was difficult, almost impossible, and she couldn't image the pain that she must be continually causing Virgo with her vacillation. But this is who she is, who she always has been. Perhaps there was a chance for change, for growth, but it would be a long uphill battle, one that Virgo never agreed to. Cammie hoped that Virgo would take this time to consider what she really wanted in her life, from her relationship, from Cammie.

"I'm not convinced that Virgo ever really chose me. I think she just kind of fell into this, blinded by the idea of a soulmate. I'm not sure she realized how hard this would be. I mean, maybe if her Soulmate was someone like Jen, then things would be easy. But I'm not Jen."

"Well, Cammie, she's your Soulmate for a reason. So maybe all of this is happening to her for a reason, too. I don't think you're the only person that needs to grow." Cammie chewed her lip in thought. "No one is perfect, not even Virgo. Have you ever considered that this is hard on her too? Maybe what she needs to work on isn't as obvious as what you do." Jess made a face expressing her lack of understanding in the situation.

"I don't know. I don't actually know much about her, truthfully. We've only really been friends for about a month, and we kissed two days ago."

Jess nodded.

"So, I don't really know what she's thinking. I don't really know what she'll do; she's much better at hiding herself than I am. I'm an open book and I'm certain Virgo would be able to tell me exactly what I would do in this situation, but I can't guess at what she'll do. I mean, she was ready to leave before. I'm sure it won't be hard to make that decision again."

"Well, before you hadn't kissed her. At least now she knows there a chance."

"I'm not sure, Jess."

Cammie sighed and crossed the room to join her sister, laying back in the bed with her hands resting on her stomach, mirroring her sister's position. The girls silently studied the ceiling as if trying to discover the answers to the questions they sought. After some length, Cammie spoke.

"I realized this has nothing to do with Virgo anymore. I said what I needed to say and I'll be so happy if she chooses us, but I think that she's given me a gift too precious to lose. I can't rely on her anymore to push me or tell me what to do. Or you for that matter. Now, it's up to me to figure things out and become my own person without anyone else. I think I need to talk to Mom and Dad and tell them the truth—about everything."

"You're not going to come out to them because of Virgo?" Jess asked, intrigued.

"No. If I did it for Virgo it's for all the wrong reasons. I need to do it for myself. I need to stand up to them and tell them everything. About me, about Virgo, about my future."

"And what will you tell them?"

"That I'm in love with a girl and that I don't want to be a lawyer."

A long silence stretched between them as Jess lost herself in thought. When she finally spoke, her voice was much smaller.

"And then what will you do? You saw what they did to me. How are you going to pay for college?"

"Get a job, apply for more scholarships, take out loans. That's what you did, right?"

"Yeah."

Another silence.

"I'm sorry," Cammie finally said.

"For what?"

"For never being there for you when we were kids. I always thought you were so rebellious and did the things you did because you wanted to antagonize Mom and Dad. I never realized you were just tying to escape. And when you did, god, that must have been so hard how everyone treated you and I didn't do anything to help. I didn't do anything to make it better. I was your older sister and I did nothing, like I always have." Cammie paused, bitter with guilt and regret. "I'm sorry."

Jess was silent, tears pooling in the corners of her eyes as she thought back to her childhood, thought back to the struggle of so desperately wanting their parents' approval, their acceptance, yet refusing to bend to their will. Jess had so desperately wanted to revive the love and adoration that was freely given to Cammie, but she could never accept the sacrifices that entailed; Jess could never sacrifice her free will, her desires, her passions, for love. There had been many times where she had tried, but she was miserable. Better to be alone and free than to be surrounded by a false sense of family and love if it meant sacrificing her identity. To this day, Jess was amazed how Cammie was able to become small, to blend in, to become the perfect daughter. Jess supposed that both sisters had decided to take the opposite rewards, but at a great sacrifice to them both: Cammie her freedom, Jess' their parents love and approval.

Cammie, sensing her sister's tears, reached across the space between them and grasped her little sisters' hand, squeezing it tightly

"I know it's too late to change anything, but I'm here for you now. I'll always be here for you. I'm so sorry I wasn't before."

Jess nodded, not trusting herself to speak, her heart still broken from her parents' rejection, but slowly healing, slowly putting itself back together by filling the jagged edges with something more beautiful than before.

"We've both been broken by Mom and Dad in different ways. We've both gone through some shit, but the important thing is that we're putting ourselves back together. We're growing, we're figuring it out. We have each other now, which is more than before."

"There's this Japanese art called kintsugi where the artist basically fixes broken pottery by binding the pieces together with gold, silver, and other precious metals. And the idea behind it is to not fix it and hide the scars, but to make the pot more beautiful than before, highlighting the breaks with something better than what the pot was made of before," Cammie explained. "I think that's what happening with us. I think we've been broken, but we're putting ourselves back together with gold."

The sisters looked at each other, Jess revealing her tears, Cammie staying a steady companion to her sister for once in their lives.

"If we were never broken, we could have never been filled with gold, never fixed to be more beautiful than before."

The trail of smoke wafted through the streets behind Virgo as she walked. She pressed the tip of the cigarette between her lips and inhaled, blowing the smoke out in frustrated breaths.

What the fuck did Cammie mean she was selfish? Virgo reviewed the facts: she hopped on a plane looking for Cammie in some foreign city; she waited for Cammie during her meltdown at the discovery of her newfound sexuality; she was patient with Cammie even after that, taking everything slowly and cautiously. When Cammie finally consented to some vague type of relationship by kissing Virgo and begging her to stay, Cammie ripped it away almost immediately. So becoming angry from this turn events made her selfish? No, it didn't add up.

Virgo scowled and flicked her cigarette, the smoldering butt separating from the filter and pulled out another. She cupped her hand around the unlit cigarette, lighter clicking against her thumb. When the flame appeared, she inhaled and quickly pressed the lighter back into her pocket.

"L'amour, c'est donner ce qu'on n'a pas à quelqu'un qui n'en veut pas," Virgo muttered to herself, recalling a quote she had once read. She thought it was foolish when she stumbled upon it long ago, before she left France for the United States. That wasn't love; love wasn't some hollow gift that you gave to a person who didn't want it in the first place. No. Love was this great, beautiful thing that you gave to someone with open arms. Love was something you nurtured with another person, like a tree, planted to grow strong and stable, with roots burrowing into the ground like an anchor, holding your relationship firmly in place. Love was filled with selflessness, sacrifices, and an abundance of hope.

Love wasn't false. Love wasn't empty.

"Va te faire foutre," Virgo said to the author who wasn't listening.

Virgo felt her heart pounding with anger. Is that what Cammie believed to be love? Just something hollow, without substance. Why has she called Virgo selfish? Why of all things is that was Cammie thought to say. It was ridiculous! Did Cammie truly believe that Virgo's love was an empty heart with nothing to give?

"Putain," Virgo cursed. And before she realized it, she was crying. Angry tears were falling silently from her eyes as she glared straight ahead.

Virgo pulled out her phone and noted that it was early enough at home to call her mother before she left for work. She quickly opened WhatsApp and made the international call.

« Hi honey, how are you? » her mother quickly answered.

The moment Virgo made her attempt to reply, her voice caught in her throat, constricted by the tears.

« What's wrong? » her mother asked immediately, sensing her child's distress. Virgo was thankful her mother had that innate sense to know when her child was hurting.

But what should she say? What had Virgo planned to say before she made this call? Nothing. Virgo was angry, hurt, and she wanted to vent, wanted someone to tell her she was right, needed someone to confirm that she wasn't selfish, that she was still good.

« It's Cammie again. »

Virgo heard her mother sigh on the other end. It was not from exasperation, but from hurt for her daughter.

« Tell me what happened. »

Virgo explained the situation in as much detail as she could muster. She filled her mother in on the details of Cammie's life as she knew them: about her friends and family, about her personal struggles with acceptance and wanting to please people, about the expectations foisted upon her by her parents, especially her own mother, from kissing Virgo and pushing her away. Finally, she explained the fight they had had earlier that night.

When Virgo concluded her tale, adamant that she wasn't selfish, that she wasn't the issue, though it seemed like Cammie was trying to manipulate the situation to make it seem that way, her mother was silent for so long, Virgo asked if she was still there.

« You're so much like your father, » her mother finally said.

« What? » Of anything her mother could say about the situation, this what she decided to say? Virgo was affronted.

« He had his head in the clouds most of the time, » Her mother began. « He had these very lofty ideas about what love meant, about what a Soulmate was. He thought that things would be so much different than how they turned out to be. He never really put effort into our relationship or our marriage, because he just thought things were supposed to work out, because that's how Soulmates worked. That's how everything was supposed to be. He wore rose-colored lenses that blinded him to everything, even his own shortcomings. Every issue we had, he brushed me off, confident it would work out because we Soulmates. He thought that made everything okay. But it didn't. So he left searching for someone else, something else, because he didn't believe he had to work on our relationship on anything. » Her mother paused to allow this information to sink over her daughter, for Virgo to digest everything that her mother said.

She rarely spoke of her ex-husband, who had left when Virgo was too young to remember much about him. Her father had never made any efforts to see his children either, so her mother preferred to write him out of their lives and forge ahead with the four of them, ignoring their missing father. Virgo had asked about him a few times when she was younger, but her mother was very evasive, mostly to protect her children from the idea that their father didn't care about them, and eventually Virgo stopped asking.

« Why did you tell me this? » Virgo asked. She had stopped walking, rooted to the spot on the ground while her cigarette burned.

« Because a relationship is hard work. It's difficult for anybody. Just because a person is your Soulmate doesn't mean it will always work out for you or that it will be easy. »

Virgo didn't respond, more anger flooding her heart.

« I don't want you to end up like your father, who I'm sure had been chasing happiness his entire life and will never find it. »

Virgo thought of the Mirror of Erised from Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone, a chapter they had read together just the night before. What would her father see in that mirror should he stand before it? What would Virgo see? She thought, up until tonight, that she would have seen a future with Cammie, but after her mother's explanation, Virgo wasn't so sure. Would she end up like her father, never happy, always thinking things would be better if she just kept looking?

The very idea scared her, made her stomach sink.

« I don't want to be like that, » Virgo whispered into the phone, her fortitude failing.

« I know, Virgo. That's why I'm telling you now: you are not him. Do not let yourself become him. You must understand that your relationship with Cammie will be difficult and challenging, but not impossible, not if you work for it. Cammie, it sounds to me, is trying very hard. Imagine what it would be like if I didn't accept you. Imagine how it would feel to be thrown out of your home. This is what Cammie is enduring and you are not making it easier for her. You have to be there to support her, no matter how many times she pushes you away. From what you have told me, she is trying her hardest to be with you. You need to try your hardest to be with her. »

Virgo was silent with thought.

« I love you, Sweetie. I will always be here for you. But you must decide what you want. »

Virgo considered the words, especially as Cammie had spoken them. What did she want? Until tonight, she thought she wanted Cammie, thought she wanted her Soulmate, but had thoughts and dreams of this girl consumed her? If Virgo was being honest with herself, she was consumed with the pursuit of finding her Soulmate, certain that once she did, all of the missing pieces in her life would fall into place and she would feel whole.

But that's not what happened, was it? When she found Cammie, it wasn't like anything she had dreamed of. Did she resent Cammie for not living up to these lofty expectations that Virgo had inadvertently thrust upon Cammie? For not filing the void that had been created within Virgo's heart?

« Thank you, Mom. I think that I have much more to consider than I thought. Thank you for being honest with me. »

« I love you. »

« I love you too. » As Virgo spoke those words, she realized how often she had taken love for granted, how lucky she was to be her full, authentic self, and have her mother still speak those words to her and to be able to speak them in return.

Virgo took another drag of her cigarette and ran her fingers through her hair, pushing it out of her face. She turned her face up to the sky, polluted with light, and allowed the sounds of the city to invade her ears. For the first time in a very long time, Virgo remembered that she was in Los Angeles, looking for a girl she was meant to spend the rest of her life with. And for the first time, she realized she had made a mistake; she had been here for all the wrong reasons.

***

Thank you to everyone for reading/voting/commenting! I really appreciate it and it makes me so happy to see all of your feedback :)

I was unsure if I was going to be able to upload this chapter today, but I tried to get it out (it's a little shorter than most chapters and I didn't check it as closely for errors so I would get it out by today, so sorry for those things).

Anyway, as always, thank you for reading and all your support! I love you all and I know that I wouldn't have the motivation or momentum to continue writing weekly like I have been able to do if I didn't have your encouragement and support. So truly, thank you!