Chapter Forty-Three

Now that I have earned so many readers, I want to ask you guys to start commenting more haha. I much prefer comments over votes so I can truly understand your guys' opinions on my writing, characters, and other things. I appreciate my silent readers as well and don't want to pressure any of you into commenting. Just putting that out there!!!

Kian

"The apartments are all equipped with a full kitchen, living room, and bathroom– the number of bathrooms is dependent on the number of bedrooms. Each apartment also has its own security system that I will show you how to use so you can then show the residents how to use it."

Vic stops abruptly and turns to look at me. It's just him and I since Bridger wanted to stay behind to build all the baby stuff we brought yesterday. He told me he'd leave he decorating and "fixing up" for me.

Vic's team is still fixing up the packhouse and apartments, but Vic said earlier that he was confident they would be done by tomorrow. Two teams have been working on this project: Team A, the day team, and Team B, the night team. That, along with the magic from the Lords, has sped up what would have been a month-long or longer building project.

The house is simply jaw-dropping. I can't even begin to explain all its features. They tried to keep the good features of the old house such as the above-and-beyond security, the Heat Rooms, and the multiple floors with hiding if necessary. The packhouse and the first set of apartments are connected via a hallway hidden behind a normal door. The rest of the apartment buildings connect to the first one and spread out, sort of making a 'T' if the right side of the 'T' curved. The packhouse and right wing make a semi-circle around a big terrace that leads down into a beautiful courtyard that I have no idea how they managed to create. The terrace has too many plants to count along with different little houses for little animals like birds and whatever else is around here. The courtyard is full of picnic tables and open land to sunbathe or play sports if we don't feel like going down to the beach.

I love it so much.

"How many apartments are there and the bedrooms?" I ask.

"There are one hundred apartments ranging from two bedrooms to four. I figured that would be a good starting point and until we can build more, if there is overflow, we can let other stay inside the actual packhouse."

I nod. Two to four bedrooms is definitely enough for roommates, omegas who have pups, or omegas who would want to have pups. Plus, I am sure once I lay ground rules and my pack members start working, there will be some builders that will be happy to add to the pack when we need it. Like a library or a clinic. Since we no longer live a comfortably walkable distance from Corzo's pack, we will definitely need a clinic built as soon as possible with trained workers. I add that to my mental list of things I need to bring up to Corzo.

"That is a great range," I agree, "do you mind walking me through some?"

Vic smiles. "Of course not."

We walk through the first wing of apartments -- the body of the 'T'. They are all very homely and fully furnished but also very minimalistic, allowing future residents to freely customize to their liking. Just the ability to move a couch to a different spot or paint a wall blue if they want to only adds to the sense of freedom I'm trying to ensure my pack members will have when they move here. All the apartments have plenty of windows to let in as much sunlight as possible to brighten up the place. The ceilings are also high and the spaces are pretty big in comparison to other apartments I've seen in Arron's pack and my old pack. I'm sure many of the omegas would be happy to get a clean box to live in, but I want them to live comfortably and that means full kitchens, comfortable living rooms, and a clean bed for them to lay their head.

"All the apartments have modern kitchen appliances as well as in-unit washers and dryers – in their own separate room. That's a plus since many apartments do not offer in-unit nor do they offer in-unit's their own room," Vic explains as we stop at the end of the first wing. "How did you like them?"

The first wing had ten apartments upstairs and downstairs and they're each one-story. Vic explained that not all of them are one-story and some are bigger than the others. I didn't mind that since it gave more of a unique selection to those who will be living here. Multiple floors and bedrooms will also discreetly encourage my pack members to engage with each other whether that's living together as friends or lovers or building families. I just want "choice" to be at the forefront of everyone's minds as they adjust to their new living arrangements.

"I love them especially the security systems," I say as I clasp my hands in front of my chest. I smile at Vic, just so amazed that he managed to put all of this together in so little time. Not to mention, he hasn't been as annoying as he used to so now I think I actually call him a friend. A good friend who has given me so much and used his brilliant mind to allow my pack to have this wonderful packhouse.

"Vic, I want to thank you for everything that you and your team have done," I say, "you're playing a huge part in this and I don't know how I will ever repay you for all of this."

Vic's face turns pinkish at the praise. He dhuckles nervously as he shifts from foot to foot.

"I love building things," he says awkwardly, "the only way you can repay me is if you keep me busy. Sure, I'm a delta, but I love doing this stuff way more. It's what I studied, after all."

I bring my clasped hands down in front of me and move from side to side. Smiling, I say, "so you'll help build a clinic when I need it?! And a library?! And schools?!"

He reaches out seemingly to touch my face, but quickly brings his arm down to his side. He clears his throat, his eyes glancing somewhere else, and with a quick nod, he says,

"O-Of course, I will. Just say when and I will jump."

I clap my hands again, preparing to jump in place, when I feel something faint inside. I look down at my stomach, wondering if the feeling came from my very inactive pup. I know what his movements and kicks feel like and whatever it was didn't feel like him. I haven't felt the feeling a while, but it's a sensation that sparks deep inside, even deeper than my pup. It's so faint that it feels as though I imagined it.

"You okay?" Vic asks, eyebrows coming together in worry.

I clear my throat. "Y-Yeah. Just felt off for a second."

Vic's mouth forms an 'o' shape. "I should walk you back home then."

Vic walks me back to the main part of the packhouse. He offers to walk me home, but I put it off because I need to find Mika. I'm not sure why I haven't done this before when I've felt these strange sensations inside. Mika is the only one who still has his wolf despite all the trauma we've been through and while I know I may be overreacting to these strange sensations, I do have reason to believe that maybe, just maybe, it's my body's way of telling me it's time to shift. I have not been actively working on trying to shift since I've had other things to worry about. But it seems when I experience great happiness, sometimes this sensation comes along with it.

I find Mika outside. He's sitting on the ground in front of some plants and as I walk closer to him, I see he's holding Hailey on his lap. He's pointing at the bush sprouting purple flowers and explaining to her in a high-pitched voice what it is and how it grows. Hailey, at around eight months already, coos louds, sucking on a frozen fruit popsicle. I stand behind them for a while, watching Mika lift Hailey towards the bush.

"It's really cool because nature is everywhere and you can put it anywhere to make something more beautiful," Mika says as he stands Hailey up and lets her balance with his hands.

I smile as I sit down beside them. Cooing, I pinch Mika's cheek. "Two of my favorite pups playing in the garden, so cute."

Mika rolls his eyes. "I'm not a pup."

"You are," I argue, "when my pup becomes your age and he says he's not, he very much would be."

Mika wants to argue but his smile stops him from saying anything. He sits Hailey down before turning to face me. His hands fly up and go flat. I know what he wants so I giggle as I lift my shirt and he quickly places his warm hands against my tummy. Mika rubs my tummy in wide circles, his chubby cheeks squishing his eyes up and turning them to crescents like the moon.

"Have you thought about a name?" Mika asks, shooting up to grab Hailey who tries to crawl underneath the bush.

"Bridger and I have talked about some," I say, "but nothing is clicking. I think we have to see him before we can decide."

"When I was pregnant, I wanted to name my pup Everett because it sounded like that big mountain and I love mountains. I wanted my pup to feel big and strong too, like a mountain. I didn't get to name him, but you should name your pup Everett – that way, Hailey and him will have something in common: their favorite uncle named them both."

I laugh and shove him to the side. "I can't take your name. It's close to you. You'll meet someone nice and then you two will have a pup and you will have to name him or her or they – did you know people can go be they? Did you meet Arbor? You should meet them – anyways, then you will have to name your pup Everett."

Mika's face wrinkles as he strokes Hailey's brown hair. It started growing pretty fast after she started teething and the ends of her dark brown hair curl around her little ears so cutely. I try not to coo just by looking at her, her chubby cheeks growing as she gums on her watermelon popsicle.

"I don't think I want to have pups," Mika confesses, "it scares me and I'm not smart enough to be a dad."

"You're smart enough, don't be mean to yourself. But if you don't want to, you don't have to," I say slowly.

"You and Bridger will have enough pups for me to play with," Mika says, smiling at me. "So you'll name him Everett?"

I hum. I toss the name around in my head and compare it to other names I liked such as Riley and Caspen – both of which Bridger didn't like. I do agree that Everett is a lovely name and I hate that Mika is so good at naming babies.

"Everett," I look down at my exposed tummy, "do you like that name? Everett?"

I don't expect a response so when I feel a hard kick, my eyes go wide. I look at Mika. "He kicked. He doesn't do that."

Mika gasps and claps his hands, squealing as he hugs Hailey excitedly. "That means you have to name him that. You don't have to like Mountain Everest to name him that, you can create your own story about it. But make sure to tell him every day that he's big and strong."

"I'll talk to Bridger about it, but I do have a question," I say, remembering why I came out here in the first place. "You still have your wolf, right?"

He frowns. "Amari? Yeah. Why?"

"And you can still shift?"

"I don't know, maybe. I haven't tried."

"Well, I was wondering because I've been feeling these strange feelings in my body. It's not from my pup because I've been feeling it way before that. I think it might be my body's way of telling me it's my shift. Would Amari know?"

Mika hums before his eyes glaze over, likely talking to Amari. I wish I had my wolf to talk to like that. Someone just for me who can help guide me when I need it/

"Amari says you shouldn't try to shift now while you're pregnant," he relays, "but he also thinks it could be your wolf – Sylas, isn't it? – and that you should try bringing him forth instead. He says Sylas could be testing the waters and reaching out to you to pull him forward."

"His name was Syrus. Amari really thinks it's my wolf?" I frown. "I don't know."

Mika shrugs. "That's what Amari thinks. He says your wolf is still somewhere, you just have to find him. He says it's scary being away from us so he imagines that Syrus might want to reconnect."

"I don't want to reconnect with him," I say it before I can even think. As soon as it's out, I immediately feel bad. I don't know why since part of me finds it to be the truth, but only part of me. The other part wants nothing to do with Syrus.

"Is that true?" Mika asks, "I love Amari."

"Yeah, well your wolf didn't leave you," I say it a little too defensively. Mika flinches and I quickly soften my face, reaching out to touch his arm. "Sorry, I didn't mean to snap at you."

"It's okay, I understand. Amari understands too. You should only try to connect with your wolf if you want to. You seem completely okay without one. A lot of werewolves could go rogue." He offers a smile and I offer one back.

"I am doing okay – excellent, actually," I stand, preparing to leave. "Thank you, Mika. I love you...and Amari."

"We love you too!" He grabs Hailey to make her wave. Her chubby hand flips around in his grasp as she stares up at me, the popsicle melting in her other hand. I giggle and wave at her before turning to make my way back home.

As I walk, I think about mine and Mika's conversation. I know that he doesn't understand the complicated feelings I have towards Syrus – no one really does. Even Jenna and Katie – who both lost their wolves – desperately want their wolves back. They have no hatred towards their wolves and have actively been working to reconnect. I can tell it makes many wolves uncomfortable when I tell them I don't want to reconnect with Syrus – it makes me uncomfortable too.

I was already depressed before Syrus left me. We met each other when I was eleven-years-old and he was so happy to have been paired with someone. Then he saw the treatment I was experiencing and he tried his best to be there for me. I was distant for a while until I realized that he was the only being I could truly confide in with no judgement. I has Peyton, of course, but he was going through his own stuff and had hardened himself beyond repair – he didn't like emotional talks. So I fell deep into Syrus' care and love, his promises to always be there for me since that's his sole purpose. He promised.

Then he left. And I fell into such a deep depression. I couldn't eat or sleep. I couldn't feel anything. It felt like I was in lost in a dark hole and all the feelings I once had were squeezed out of me. I felt so empty. Sometimes I couldn't even feel the pain when Jason or someone else beat or raped me.

Syrus, in some ways, hurt me far more than Jason ever could. I don't think I can ever forgive him for what he did.

But deep down, another part of me wants him. That werewolf part that tells me we will never complete without our wolf. But I feel complete. Bridger, my friends, this pack, this pup – they make me feel complete. But I know that I am not.

"You okay, baby?"

I startle. Blinking, I realize that I somehow zoned out during my entire walk home. I stand in front of the open door while Bridger lies on the couch, a book resting on his chest as he looks at me. I walk inside and the close the door behind me. Bridger likes to keep it open, he says he likes the smell of the ocean so close to our home.

I sigh as I walk over to him. He quickly sits up and places his book on the table. I sit down onto his lap and settle myself against him, hiding my face into his neck. He rubs my back and lets me rest against him. I try to organize my thoughts, but when his scent floods my senses, my brain seems to get wiped clean. It's welcomed, though, since I really don't like thinking about these things that make me feel so alone. I know that I can't stay blissful and happy forever, but I want to hang on to those feelings as long as possible.

"Do you want to see...Garrett's room?" Bridger asks. I chuckle against him but I don't move, his warmth makes me feel safe and guarded from those negative thoughts.

"Can we hold off on naming him?" I ask, "I want to see him and hold him first before I give him a name. Maybe it'll be easier then."

Bridger heaves a long sigh. "Thank Goddess, this name stuff was stressing me out."

He shows me our pup's room. I wanted his nursery theme to be greens and yellows and Bridger painted happily obliged, painting the walls and even adding little yellow stripes on our pup's crib. Like most werewolves, our pup will not be spending a lot of his time in his room and he most certainly will not be sleeping in here until he's older. His bassinet is already in our room where he will sleep until Bridger and I feel he's ready to sleep alone. We've been reading books about parenting and most of those books state that werewolf pups need most of their parents' time to develop not only the parent-pup bond but also the pack bond through its parents; to feel safe and secure, pups need to be close to their parents a lot until those bonds are tightly secured within them around the year-old mark. However, we can start sleep training him after three months – or when we think he's ready to sleep on his own.

It's going to be a lot of work and hard on us especially because I can't imagine not having alone time with Bridger, but we're definitely going to make it work. It fills me with a lot of anxiety – thinking about all the things that could go wrong. What if he's sleeping by himself and something crawls in and attacks him?

I shake my head to get rid of those scary thoughts. I guess Bridger notices my mood because he stops talking and walks over to me. He places his hands on both of my shoulders and asks,

"Do you want me to leave you in here? So you can decorate and make it cozy?"

I nod wordlessly and he smiles, kissing my forehead. As soon as he closes the door behind him, I release a long sigh and shake my body to rid myself of all the negative feelings. I close my eyes and focus inward on my pup's quick heartbeat. I relax, my shoulders slouching a bit and the little bit of panic that formed in the pit of my stomach melts away as I breathe in and out.

"Are you ready to see your room?" I ask as I sit down onto the floor beside the rocking chair. It's placed in a corner right beside a window with flowing yellow curtains and little cartoon turtles on them. There are several boxes and bags full of baby items and decorations just waiting to put in place.

"You won't be in here by yourself all the time," I say as I open the first box, "so don't get nervous and try to stay in there too long, you'll need to come out eventually."

I chuckle to myself as I rub my little bump while pulling out a dinosaur sleeper. I hum as I go about folding our pup's cloths, all the stress from before put deep into the back of my mind as I finally cave into nesting. Soon enough I'm surrounded by clothes, towels, little socks, bonnets and hats, and blankets and I still have more to go. I have feeling thar at this rate, I'll never have to do laundry and he'll have clothes to keep him fresh during his entire first year of life.

Smiling, I reach over to grab yet another box until I feel something once again deep inside. It's that feeling again. It brings forth queasiness and that terrible anxiety I got just hours before. I try to ignore it, but for some reason, it doesn't go away and I feel like something is trying to break out of me but not physically – more like out of my soul. I close my eyes, trying desperately to soothe myself, but I can't hear my pup's heartbeat over my own.

"He thinks it could be your wolf"

What if I don't want it to be Syrus? What if I just want it to be me and Bridger, not me, Bridger, Jace, and Syrus. What could Syrus even possibly say to me? Would he apologize? Would he try to rekindle what we lost? I don't think I could ever trust or love Syrus the way I did before he left me.

I close my eyes tight and try to call onto the feeling deep within me, the space where Syrus once occupied now empty, but not quite as dead as it once was. A low, faint buzzing occupies the space now, a space that I long accepted would remain empty forever.

'Syrus. Stay away from me. Stay where you ran to when you abandoned me' I want to end it there, but if it's truly him trying to come back, then I have to tell him more. 'I don't need you anymore and you know what? I never did. You stayed with me for five measly years and you've been gone for even longer. I coped, I got over it, I built myself up, I became resilient. With no help from you. None. You can't just come back when everything is good and expect me to welcome you back. You can't do that. You can't do that, Syrus. You were my wolf, you were supposed to be there for me and you left. You're not supposed to do that. You can't just come back now. Stay away from me'

It hurts to virtually reject my own wolf, my other half. I don't even know if I truly want him back or not. I just know that Syrus not only betrayed me, but he hurt me in such a deep way that no one else would ever be able to reach. The Calters beat me and hurt me daily, but the wound Syrus left hurts even now. Just thinking of rekindling a relationship that ended in that way makes me feel wrong. I don't care if Goddess picked him among all the other souls of wolves just for me. Clearly her judgment has been wrong for a long time – or she just hates me. She gave me to parents who didn't want me, she gave me a wolf who couldn't handle my situation, and then she gave me a mate who I didn't want. Who's to say she isn't wrong about the whole wolf thing too?

Even so, after my speech, I do feel...different. I can't deny that saying all of that in the empty space where Syrus would have been felt better than keeping it bottled up. There's still so much more I'd like to say to him, but I hope he heard that and I hope it alters whatever perception he had of me. I'm no longer the terrified, beaten-down fifteen-year-old he left, the one who needed him.

The feeling I felt earlier is gone, but something else has replaced it. I feel... different, suddenly. It's like part of me knows that the empty space where Syrus would be is no longer quite empty. Deep inside, we're no longer alone.

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Word Count: 4106

How is 2025 treating everyone?

For anyone wondering, this book is about 66-70 chapters long. As of now, I have written Chapter 64 and the ending is VERY close. When I finally write the ending, I will start rapidly updating! I told myself that I would finish the book during winter break and winter breaks ends tomorrow haha. I went a little over, but I'm very happy with the progress I made during the second half of 2024.

After this book is finished, I will be publishing a guide-type book. It'll be like my notebook where I post character profiles and boards, potential stories/teasers, and other important ideas regarding my books and my world-building.