Ugly Insecurities

The sun rises gently over the preschool, casting a golden hue across the courtyard. Early morning dew still clings to the grass, and the air hums with the promise of a day filled with laughter and celebration. Mix arrives at the school long before anyone else, his heart heavy with anticipation. He straightens the decorations one last time, adjusting the bright banners strung across the yard, each one fluttering softly in the breeze.

It's Family Day.

Colorful booths line the courtyard, each set up by parents eager to contribute to the festivities. There’s a popcorn stand, a face-painting station, and tables laden with homemade treats. Balloons float lazily above, tied to the booths, swaying as though they too are caught up in the excitement.

As the sun climbs higher, the sound of laughter and chatter grows louder. Children begin to arrive, their eyes wide with wonder, their energy infectious. They rush toward the games, their giggles filling the air. Parents follow close behind, chatting and exchanging smiles, their pride evident as they watch their children explore the day’s wonders.

Mix stands near the entrance, greeting families as they arrive. He exchanges polite smiles and small talk with the parents, his usual warmth slightly dimmed by the weight in his chest. He knows today will be a test—not of his abilities as a teacher, but of his heart.

The courtyard buzzes with energy as the families settle into the festivities. Mix stands, taking a moment to enjoy the sight of children racing around, their laughter ringing through the air. Suddenly, a cheerful voice calls out to him.

“Teacher Mix!”

He turns to see Mint, one of the more enthusiastic parents, approaching with a wide smile. She carries a large, colorful bag that swings from her arm, nearly brushing the ground.

“Here, this is for you…” Mint says, reaching into the bag. She pulls out a headband and hands it to him.

Mix hesitates, blinking down at the headwear in Mint's hands because why white cat ears? Can he be a lion? A tiger? A wolf?

Mint giggles, clearly enjoying his confusion as she puts the headband on Mix's head, herself. “Today’s theme is animals,” she explains, adjusting the bunny ears perched atop her head. “I’m a bunny, see?” She taps her headband, the floppy ears bouncing slightly.

“Oh… okay,” Mix replies, a smile tugging at the corner of his lips. He can’t help but appreciate the parents’ enthusiasm. Gently, he adjusts the cat ears on his head, feeling slightly self-conscious but touched by the gesture.

Mint beams at him. “Perfect! You look adorable,” she teases, winking before heading off to the other parents, distributing more animal-themed headbands.

Mix watches her go, shaking his head with an amused chuckle. He touches the soft fabric of the cat ears, a small warmth spreading through him. Despite the tension he feels about the day, moments like this remind him why he loves being here—part of a community that, for better or worse, always tries to come together.

As Mint hands out more headbands, he notices parents putting them on, laughter and lightheartedness filling the air. For a brief moment, Mix allows himself to relax, taking in the joy around him. The buzz of excitement intensifies when Mix spots Edin in the crowd, his tiny figure bouncing with anticipation. Earth walks beside him, his hand resting protectively on Edin’s shoulder. Namtan follows, and together, they look almost picture-perfect—a family reunited.

Mix smiles as they approach. “Good morning, Edin!” he greets, crouching down to meet the boy’s sparkling eyes.

“Teacher Mix!” Edin exclaims, throwing his arms around Mix’s neck. “I’m so excited! Daddy said we’ll win all the games today!”

Mix chuckles softly, ruffling Edin’s hair. “I bet you will.”

Earth’s voice breaks the moment, smiling at Mix. “Hi. Good morning.”

Mix stands and smiles back, "Hi," he greets and then looks at Namtan. "Namtan, good morning."

Namtan offers a polite nod, her voice soft. “Good morning, Teacher Mix. Thank you for organizing this event. It’s… beautiful.”

“It's the parents, really.. They made this happen,” Mix replies, his voice thoughtful. "But thank you, still."

Edin’s eyes dart between Earth and Mix, a spark of curiosity and understanding lighting up his innocent gaze. He watches his father, who seems completely absorbed in watching Mix, as though the noise and chaos of the Family Day event have melted away, leaving just the two of them in a world of their own.

Seeing this, Edin tugs on his mother’s hand gently, trying to divert her attention.

“Mama, let’s go over there!” Edin exclaims, his voice bubbling with excitement as he pulls Namtan in the opposite direction. She looks down, momentarily puzzled, but follows without question, letting herself be led away.

Mix’s eyes follow them as they disappear into the crowd, a soft smile on his face. However, deep inside, a subtle ache flares, a familiar twinge that he quickly pushes down. It’s always there, simmering beneath the surface, especially on days like this when family dynamics are front and center.

A sudden, loud click breaks his reverie, snapping him back to the present. He turns to find Earth standing, his phone raised, the shutter sound echoing around them. Earth’s eyes crinkle with amusement, and he doesn’t lower the phone even when caught.

Mix raises an eyebrow, half-laughing. “Really?” he says, playfully crossing his arms.

Earth’s response is to keep clicking, the camera capturing Mix in various candid moments. Mix rolls his eyes and makes a silly face, puffing his cheeks and scrunching his nose, a playful glare directed at the phone. Earth immediately smiles wider, his thumb pressing down on the screen with renewed enthusiasm.

“Now, that’s enough,” Mix chuckles, finally reaching up to cover the camera with his hand. “You’ll run out of storage, and these might turn out ugly.”

“Not a chance,” Earth counters, lowering his phone but keeping his gaze locked on Mix. His voice softens, eyes warm. “Too cute not to snap. Those cat ears suit you perfectly.”

Before Mix can respond, a familiar voice chimes in. “Mr. Pirapat!”

They both turn to see Mint approaching again, her bag now noticeably lighter. She grins at Earth, clearly on a mission. “I see you still don’t have yours.”

“My what?” Earth asks, genuinely confused.

Mint laughs, holding up the bag. “Headbands! Everyone needs one. Let’s see…” She rummages through the bag, pulling out various options. “I’ve got a bunny, a dog—”

“I’ll take a cat, please,” Earth interrupts, a playful smile dancing on his lips.

Mix blinks, genuinely surprised. He had half-expected Earth to decline, to wave it off like he usually did with silly things. But there’s an eagerness in Earth’s voice that catches him off guard.

Mint raises an eyebrow, clearly amused. “A cat? Well, here you go.” She hands him a black cat-ear headband, and Earth takes it without hesitation, slipping it on. Mint walks away, shaking her head with a smile, leaving the two men standing there, cat ears and all.

Mix’s eyes sparkle with amusement. “You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” he teases, tilting his head slightly.

Earth shrugs, his gaze steady. “Not exactly.” His voice lowers, almost as if he’s sharing a secret. “But if it means matching with you, why not?”

Mix feels his heart skip a beat, warmth spreading through his chest. He opens his mouth to respond, but the words get caught somewhere in his throat. Instead, he settles for a soft, lopsided smile, the unspoken feelings hanging between them, more tangible than ever.

Earth, Namtan, and Edin move together through the crowd, their shared laughter ringing out like a melody. Edin, bouncing with excitement, drags them from booth to booth, his eyes wide with delight.

From a distance, Mix watches, his smile growing increasingly strained. He tells himself that it’s fine, that this is how it should be—a family, enjoying time together. He tries to push down the gnawing sensation in his chest, reminding himself it’s not his place to feel this way.

Near the popcorn stand, a small group of mothers forms a tight huddle, their eyes fixed on Earth and Namtan. Their voices carry just enough to be heard. “They make such a lovely family,” one mother whispers, a wistful smile on her face.

Another nods, clasping her hands together. “It’s so good to see them together for Edin. He deserves this.”

The words pierce through Mix like needles, sharp and unrelenting. He clenches his jaw, his hands shaking slightly as he turns away, pretending to focus on the nearest booth. The day, meant to be a celebration, has become a test of his endurance.

The games begin, and the families scatter across the courtyard. Relay races, obstacle courses, and sack races create pockets of joyous chaos.

During the sack race, Mix’s eyes catch Namtan struggling to keep her balance. The fabric twists around her ankles, and for a moment, she wobbles, her arms flailing. Without hesitation, Earth is there—his hand steadying her waist, his grip firm yet gentle. Their laughter rings out, blending with the cheers and applause of the crowd. It's a lighthearted, fleeting moment, but to Mix, it feels like a dagger driven straight into his chest.

The way Earth’s hand lingers a little too long, the ease of their laughter, the way they look at each other—it’s like watching a scene from a family he doesn’t belong to. His stomach tightens, a bitter taste rising in his throat. The crowd’s cheers feel like jeers, their smiles like smirks. Each clap, each whispered comment, each glance exchanged between Earth and Namtan feels like a reminder of his place on the sidelines.

Mix tries to turn away, to focus on anything else—the children’s laughter, the vibrant decorations, the bright booths—but his gaze keeps drifting back. His heart pounds in his chest, a dull ache settling deep within. He knows he shouldn’t feel this way, that it’s not fair to Earth or Namtan, but logic has no power against the emotions clawing at him.

He forces a smile, pretending to be absorbed in helping a child nearby, but inside, the weight of unspoken fears and insecurities presses down, threatening to consume him. Before Mix can turn away completely, a small hand tugs gently at his sleeve. He looks down to find Edin standing beside him, a wide, innocent smile lighting up his face.

“Hi, Teacher Mix,” Edin says, his voice soft but full of warmth.

“Oh, hi Edin,” Mix responds, his forced smile softening into something more genuine.

Edin shifts his weight, looking back at the race where his parents are still playing. “I got bored waiting for Daddy and Mama. They’re having fun, but... I saw you were alone.”

The words hit Mix deeper than he expects. There’s something about Edin’s consideration—his simple, childlike empathy—that tugs at Mix’s heart.

“I’m fine, Edin,” Mix reassures, his voice gentle, though the tightness in his chest lingers.

Edin’s inquisitive eyes search Mix’s face, as if trying to understand something beyond his years. For a moment, Mix thinks Edin might ask a difficult question, but then the boy just smiles again, brushing off whatever thought had crossed his mind.

“Do you want to sit with Edin, Teacher?” Edin offers, his small hand still holding Mix’s.

Mix hesitates. Part of him wants to say no, to keep his distance and protect himself from the sting of seeing Earth and Namtan together. Sitting there would be like willingly stepping into a storm of his own making. But looking at Edin’s hopeful eyes, he finds it impossible to deny the boy.

“Of course,” Mix says, his voice soft.

Together, they walk back to the sidelines. Edin plops down, patting the spot beside him, and Mix sits, the warmth of the boy’s presence easing the ache just a little. They cheer for the players of the sack race, Edin’s excitement infectious as he jumps up and down, clapping for each person who crosses the finish line.

Earth on the other hand is distracted, gaze drifting across the bustling courtyard, his eyes instinctively searching for Edin. When he spots him, a smile immediately softens his features. There Edin stands, jumping up and down, his small fists pumping in the air as he cheers for the racers.

But it isn’t just Edin that catches Earth’s attention—it's the figure beside him. Mix sits with Edin, his face lit up with a genuine smile as he joins in the cheering. His eyes sparkle with amusement, and he high-fives the kids around him. Every now and then, he leans down to Edin, whispering something that makes the boy giggle uncontrollably.

Earth’s heart swells at the sight. There’s something about seeing Mix and Edin together that fills him with a warmth he can’t quite describe. It’s like a puzzle piece falling into place, a picture of what life could be—simple, joyful, complete.

He watches as Mix playfully ruffles Edin’s hair, the boy looking up at him with unfiltered admiration. The sounds of the crowd fade into the background, and for a moment, all Earth sees is them: Edin, so full of life, and Mix, effortlessly becoming part of it. A quiet realization settles in Earth’s chest, heavy and undeniable. This—they—feel like home.

As the afternoon sun casts a warm, golden hue over the courtyard, families settle down on picnic blankets and benches, resting after the excitement of the games. Laughter and chatter fill the air, a gentle hum of community and connection. Earth and Namtan walk back to their seats and Edin, his eyes bright and cheeks flushed from the day’s activities, runs to greet them..

“Did you see us?” Edin exclaims, wrapping his arms around Earth and then Namtan. “Teacher Mix and I were cheering for you!”

Earth’s smile widens, a glimmer of pride in his eyes. “Yes, buddy, maybe that’s why we won. You and Teacher Mix must be good luck.”

Mix smiles at Earth's words as he stands and excuses himself abruptly. As he turns to leave, Namtan’s voice calls out, stopping him mid-step.

“Are you going to the restroom?” Namtan asks, her tone light, almost casual.

“Oh, um… Yes, I am,” Mix replies softly.

Namtan doesn’t hesitate. “I’ll come with you. I'm just gonna grab a few drinks.”

Mix blinks, confusion flickering across his face. The suddenness of her offer feels off, but he nods, and they walk side by side. Earth watches them go, a shadow of curiosity and concern crossing his features before he turns his attention back to Edin.

As they walk in silence, Mix nibbles on his lower lip, the air between them thick with unspoken tension. The vibrant sounds of the event fade, replaced by the rhythmic crunch of their footsteps on the gravel path.

“There,” Mix finally says, pointing toward the refreshment table where a few parents are gathered.

Namtan smiles. “Aren’t you thirsty?”

Mix hesitates, then nods. “I… I could use a drink.”

They approach the table, and a parent hands them each a bottled water. Mix offers a polite nod of thanks, twisting off the cap and taking a sip, grateful for the distraction.

“Good morning, Teacher Mix!” a parent greets, their voice warm. Mix smiles and returns the greeting.

“Oh, and um… Miss…” the parent trails off, looking at Namtan.

“Namtan,” she supplies with a smile. “You can call me Namtan.”

The parent’s eyes light up. “Ms. Namtan, I’m Prim. I guess you must be Edin’s mother. You and Mr. Pirapat look so good together, by the way. Edin’s a lucky child.”

Namtan’s cheeks flush, her smile widening. “Thank you, that’s so sweet of you.”

After a few conversation, Prim excuses herself, leaving Namtan and Mix standing there. Namtan twists the cap back onto her water bottle, her expression thoughtful. She chuckles softly, breaking the silence. “I’ve been hearing that ever since.”

Mix smiles, unsure of where the conversation is heading. “Well, people mean well.”

Namtan’s gaze sharpens. “Until now, people really do think we look… good together. You know, like a family should.”

Mix’s brow furrows, confusion clouding his eyes. “Of course, but… why are you saying this?”

Namtan’s smile fades, replaced by a seriousness that makes Mix’s heart clench. “I just wanted you to see what it should be. For Earth’s sake. For Edin, especially. This is what a normal family looks like, Teacher Mix.”

Mix takes a step back, stunned. “What do you mean ‘normal’? Love is love, Ms. Tipnaree. Family isn’t defined by appearances or traditions.”

Namtan’s expression hardens. “That may be true for you, but let’s be rational. Not everyone sees it that way. Edin doesn’t deserve to face complications because of… unconventional choices.”

Mix’s eyes widen, the words cutting deep. He searches for something to say, some way to defend himself and the life he envisions with Earth and Edin, but the words stick in his throat.

“We’re trying to rebuild, Earth and I,” Namtan continues, her voice softening but her words sharp. “So please… give us the chance we need.”

Without waiting for a response, she turns and walks away, leaving Mix standing alone, the bottled water forgotten in his hand. The world around him blurs, the cheerful sounds of the family day now a distant murmur. Namtan’s words echo in his mind, each syllable a crack in the foundation of the hope he had built.

His chest tightens, the pain almost physical. Everything he thought he knew, everything he had hoped for, feels suddenly fragile. He watches Namtan rejoin Earth and Edin, the three of them sitting together, the picture of a perfect family and Mix’s heart aches, a silent storm brewing inside him, the weight of Namtan’s words settling deep into his soul.

The afternoon sun dips low, casting long shadows over the courtyard. The family day event is winding down, the awards having been handed out to cheerful applause. Earth, Namtan, and Edin are among the top winners, their arms filled with small trophies and gift baskets. Mix stands at the edge of the crowd, clapping and offering polite smiles, though his heart feels like a stone in his chest.

As the event draws to a close, the families begin to help clean up. Mix keeps busy, his hands occupied with stacking chairs and collecting leftover decorations. Every time he sees Earth approaching—whether to help carry something or to speak—Mix finds a reason to vanish, slipping away into the crowd. He avoids the questioning look in Earth’s eyes, the warmth that feels like it’s slipping further out of reach. Thankfully, Edin is preoccupied, chatting excitedly with Somsai, leaving Mix to dodge only one person.

The hours pass in a blur of forced smiles and heavy silences. Eventually, the courtyard is cleared, and the parents bid their goodbyes. Mix stands by the gate, waving them off, his face aching from maintaining the façade. As the last family disappears down the path, Mix exhales, the air feeling thin and brittle.

Determined to avoid Earth, he escapes to the staff room where it feels quiet, almost too quiet. Mix leans against the desk, staring at the floor, his fingers gripping the edge so tightly his knuckles turn white. He stares blankly at the wall, trying to keep himself together.

It’s ridiculous, he tells himself. He has no right to feel this way—not about Earth, not about any of it.

The door creaks open, and Mix looks up, startled. When he sees Earth standing there, his heart sinks.

“Mix?” Earth’s voice is soft, cautious, like he’s unsure if he’s intruding. His eyes search Mix’s face, filled with quiet concern.

Mix forces a smile, though it feels fragile. “Oh, hey,” he says, quickly standing up. He panics as he think of an excuse. Being in the same room with Earth isn't probably the best idea as of the moment. “I… um… forgot to bring my stuff. I need to—”

“I have them here,” Earth interrupts, lifting Mix’s familiar tote bag.

Mix swallows hard, trying to find another reason to leave, but his mind comes up empty. “I, uh…”

“Mix… have you been avoiding me?” Earth’s voice is gentle but firm.

Mix’s heart skips a beat, and he looks away, focusing on a nonexistent spot on the floor. “No, I…” He swallows, his voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve just been… busy.”

Earth steps closer, his brow furrowed. “You’ve been distant. Since the sack race. What happened?”

Mix forces a small laugh, though it feels hollow. “It’s nothing, really. I just needed some space.” He tries to keep his voice light, but it wavers slightly.

“Space from what?” Earth presses, his eyes soft with concern. “Mix... Talk to me. Please.”

Mix meets Earth's eyes and his chest tightens. He wants to pretend everything is fine, to push this conversation away, but Earth’s gaze makes it impossible. “It’s not important,” he mutters, his voice quiet. “You don’t need to worry about it.”

Earth doesn’t look convinced. “Of course I’m worried. I care about you.”

The words hit Mix harder than they should, and he looks away, biting the inside of his cheek. “I know,” he says softly. “But… you have a lot to focus on. Namtan… Edin. It’s where you should be.”

Earth’s confusion deepens. “What do you mean?”

Mix hesitates, his voice barely audible. “She told me… you’re trying to rebuild. For Edin. To give him a ‘normal’ family.”

Earth’s eyes widen. “She said what?”

Mix nods, trying to steady his voice. “She’s right, you know. It’s what’s best for Edin. For you.”

Earth shakes his head, completely confused at what's unfolding. “Mix, listen—”

Mix smiles sadly, his eyes shimmering with unshed tears. “You and Namtan… you have a history. You’re Edin’s parents. That’s… what a family looks like.”

Earth steps closer, his eyes searching Mix’s face. “No, you're not—”

“Earth,” Mix interrupts softly, his voice trembling. “It’s okay. Really. I don’t… I don’t blame you. Or her.” He takes a shaky breath. “I just… I thought I could handle it. Being around you… seeing you with her.” He looks away, blinking back tears. “I want you to be happy. Both of you. Especially Edin.”

Earth steps closer, reaching out but stopping short, his hand falling back to his side. “Mix… can you just listen—”

“I get it, Earth,” Mix cuts him off, his voice cracking. “I’m not going to stand in your way.” He grabs his tote bag from Earth’s hand, their fingers brushing for a brief, electric moment. “I… I need to go.”

He turns to leave, his steps slow and deliberate. As the door closes behind him, he lets out a shaky breath, the ache in his chest settling into a quiet, familiar pain.

:if you're still here, thank you! i appreciate you so much 🖤